Posts Tagged ‘restaurant’

New Restaurant Franchises Reviewed

  1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
  2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
  3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
  4. Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

    Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

  5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
  6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
  7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
  8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
  9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
  10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
  11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
  12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
  13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
  14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
  15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
  16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
  17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
  18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on


Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

  1. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
  2. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
  3. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
  4. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
  5. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
  6. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.



Hardiman Announces Opening of New Restaurant: The Pompous Ass

To all gastronomes, epicureans and foodies, I’ve finally put the finishing touches on my new restaurant (it’s so hard to find spittoons these days). And it is my pleasure to share with you its smashing new menu. Please remember that all foods and beverages at the Pompous Ass are ethically sourced, sustainably raised and processed by little people who are paid a living wage (if you consider a mud hut and a clay chamber pot a living wage). We will have a soft opening on Friday August 12th and a hard opening just as soon as the Viagra arrives. We look forward to seeing you. Please peruse the menu below: 



The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita    Sous Chef – Sue Scheff    Pastry Chef – Filo Dough


~ MENU ~

12th of August, 2022


  • Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Developmentally Challenged Turnips
  • Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 
  • Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water


Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? It’s the soup of the day.

  • Cornstarch Chowder: Thick and….well, just thick. No spoon. Served with a trowel.    
  • Cream of Salt: Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt, a tremendous amount of salt. Chef recommends “Salt to taste.”      
  • Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor


First Plate

  • Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut
  • Paula Dean’s Down Home Myocardial Infarction: Served with Hopkins’ Farms Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 
  • Gherkins Galore: Jerked Gherkins, Lammykin Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins



  • My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey: Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy
  • “I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)
  • Silverfish Risotto: Certified New York Public Library Raised Silverfish (fresh from the Philosophy stacks), India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  



  • Livermore Labs Locally Enriched Sustainable Plutonium: Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. Served with a leaden codpiece.
  • Real Expensive Cheese: Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins
  • Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint
  • I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes: Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Angst


Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced based on my gambling losses. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  

Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the processing of peanuts and maybe just a little Crystal Meth.

Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

Least Inspiring Restaurant Franchise Names

  1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
  2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
  3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
  4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
  5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
  6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
  7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
  8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
  9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
  10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
  11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
  12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
  13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
  14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
  15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
  16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
  17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
  18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
  19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.