TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.