Archive for May, 2026

Boarding airplanes has become as challenging as finding a parking spot at Costco at Christmas time. Each airline has their own boarding hierarchy based on the clientele they serve. I’ve taken the time to recreate their boarding order so you can be prepared.

American Airlines. They’re family oriented and board in this order:

1. Parents with small children, Parents with large children, Small parents with medium-sized children, Blended families of color with adopted children, Service Monkeys, Aunt Edna, everybody else

Southwest Airlines

1. People who listen closely to phone tree messages when they’re told that some of the menu options may have changed
2. People who choose Southwest Airlines even though they have many options to choose from when they fly
3. Relatives of Judge Judy
4. Judge Judy

Spirit Airlines

1. No one. They’re out of business

Aeroflot (Russian State Airline)

1. Convicts heading to the front lines
2. Casualties returning from the front lines
3. Enemies of the state who’ll be tossed out when we reach altitude
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Vladimir Lenin, should his embalmed body rise from its sarcophagus and need a lift
6. everybody else

Air Cannabis (The natural highflier)

1. Dave
2. Dave
3. Where’s Dave man

Korean Air

1. People named Kim – that covers everybody

Artemis Moon Rocket

1. NASA Platinum Club members, Al Yankovic, Civil War veterans, parents with imaginary children and then astronauts

LGBTQI Airlines

1. They
2. Them, and the people who love them
3. Everything, all of it
4. Breeders

MillionAireLines – Come fly in the Gildedsphere

1. Trillionaires
2. Billion Aires
3. Buenos Aires
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Millionaires

1. the only way he could cool his body was by panting
2. he called the Paleo Diet just “diet”
3. if you pointed at something down the street, he’d just look at the end of your finger
4. during a full moon he howled like Michael McDonald
5. he thought the city zoo was an apartment complex
6. he thinks man started walking erect because of Pamela Anderson
7. he thinks baboons should be given the vote
8. he had hair…on his fingernails
9. his go to pick-up line was, “Your cave or mine?”
10. y’know, he still had better manners than Russel Crowe

1. My dentist is so judgmental. He told me, “You made a very bad first impression with us. Try making a better second impression. By biting down harder.”
2. Don’t you find it odd that your procrastinator’s office has only waiting rooms and that he’s making appointments 13 years out? Let that sink in.
3. If a Kohler wash basin comes knocking at your door….let that sink in
4. The Titanic was struck by an iceberg. It flooded and they had no choice but to, let that sink in.
5. I want you to really apply yourself and carefully coordinate things. Y’know, let that sync in.
6. Do you want to go to the Gay Rodeo? And for context, I should mention it’s the animals and not the cowboys who are gay – don’t ask me how they know.
7. I really am the Eggman – all egg white. And that’s no yolk.
8. The famous 1920’s evangelist was not named Amy Sample She was Amy Semple MacPherson. In this simple example, Sample is Semple.
9. I know a gunslinger who had such bad aim, he couldn’t shoot the breeze if he tried
10. I know a guy who was very unsuccessful in hitting on women. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a broad
11. And yes, I realize that Napoleon Bonaparte is not germane to this discussion. How could he be germane? He’s French.