Posts Tagged ‘airline’

Boarding airplanes has become as challenging as finding a parking spot at Costco at Christmas time. Each airline has their own boarding hierarchy based on the clientele they serve. I’ve taken the time to recreate their boarding order so you can be prepared.

American Airlines. They’re family oriented and board in this order:

1. Parents with small children, Parents with large children, Small parents with medium-sized children, Blended families of color with adopted children, Service Monkeys, Aunt Edna, everybody else

Southwest Airlines

1. People who listen closely to phone tree messages when they’re told that some of the menu options may have changed
2. People who choose Southwest Airlines even though they have many options to choose from when they fly
3. Relatives of Judge Judy
4. Judge Judy

Spirit Airlines

1. No one. They’re out of business

Aeroflot (Russian State Airline)

1. Convicts heading to the front lines
2. Casualties returning from the front lines
3. Enemies of the state who’ll be tossed out when we reach altitude
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Vladimir Lenin, should his embalmed body rise from its sarcophagus and need a lift
6. everybody else

Air Cannabis (The natural highflier)

1. Dave
2. Dave
3. Where’s Dave man

Korean Air

1. People named Kim – that covers everybody

Artemis Moon Rocket

1. NASA Platinum Club members, Al Yankovic, Civil War veterans, parents with imaginary children and then astronauts

LGBTQI Airlines

1. They
2. Them, and the people who love them
3. Everything, all of it
4. Breeders

MillionAireLines – Come fly in the Gildedsphere

1. Trillionaires
2. Billion Aires
3. Buenos Aires
4. Anne Hathaway
5. Millionaires

1. Airlines to start charging people for carry on. Damn it! That’s going to cost me a fortune. I’ve been carrying on for decades.
2. Not only carry on, but now umbrella charges are in effect making it very expensive for Mary Poppins to fly.
3. Congregating near the front lavatory not only allowed, but encouraged – as long as the congregation is led by a clergyman
4. 

   Hey senor airlines. You’ve got some ‘plaining to do.

   It’s lax at LAX. LAX to screen passengers with one question: “Has anyone else had access to your underwear today?”

5. New policy for passengers with service dogs: Dogs must be on a short leash. Humans must be crated.
6. In the event of an “unplanned depressurization” overhead oxygen masks will still drop down, but they can only be activated by agreeing to a Reverse Mortgage
7. Same holds true for a “planned depressurization”
8. During cart service, some drinks may be poured by pilots performing barrel rolls
9. Inflight movies must now include both the William Shatner and the John Lithgow versions of Twilight Zone’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”
10. Bathrooms now equipped with webcams so airlines can verify people who’ve joined the Mile High Club: A commemorative certificate and a moist towelette are issued for couples achieving the event. Nothing is given for those soloing.
11. Seat backs and tray tables must now be kept in the downright and opened positions during take-off and landing. They must be upright and locked during the cruise portion.
12. All air sickness bags now pre-filed with yogurt.
13. Pants – optional
14. Boeing to introduce “Glass bottom fuselages.”
15. All inflight magazine must feature a buff centerfold of shirtless Orville and Wilbur Wright riding a bicycle built for 2
16. As long as you look disinterested, you may pet the person next to you
17. Special seating area in the back for people possessing wide child-bearing hips. Only 2 seats per row instead of 3.  
18. At their option people may exit via the jet way corridor or a passenger-deployed slidey chute.
19. All galleys now equipped with a Walk-thru Starbucks.