Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

1. My dentist is so judgmental. He told me, “You made a very bad first impression with us. Try making a better second impression. By biting down harder.”
2. Don’t you find it odd that your procrastinator’s office has only waiting rooms and that he’s making appointments 13 years out? Let that sink in.
3. If a Kohler wash basin comes knocking at your door….let that sink in
4. The Titanic was struck by an iceberg. It flooded and they had no choice but to, let that sink in.
5. I want you to really apply yourself and carefully coordinate things. Y’know, let that sync in.
6. Do you want to go to the Gay Rodeo? And for context, I should mention it’s the animals and not the cowboys who are gay – don’t ask me how they know.
7. I really am the Eggman – all egg white. And that’s no yolk.
8. The famous 1920’s evangelist was not named Amy Sample She was Amy Semple MacPherson. In this simple example, Sample is Semple.
9. I know a gunslinger who had such bad aim, he couldn’t shoot the breeze if he tried
10. I know a guy who was very unsuccessful in hitting on women. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a broad
11. And yes, I realize that Napoleon Bonaparte is not germane to this discussion. How could he be germane? He’s French.

1. 1. I wonder which is more wind resistant: Tumbleweed or Ariana Grande. I worry about that little pixie being picked up by a stiff breeze and never being seen or heard from again.
   2. So I’m not hip anymore. I wouldn’t recognize Dua Lipa or Doja Cat if they were French kissing me.
   3. And speaking of same, I just realized the term “tongue in cheek” can refer to more than just the cheeks on your face.
   4. If you drop something and watch it, it lands right by your feet and can be easily retrieved. However, if you drop something and don’t watch it, it takes the opportunity to ricochet off your foot or a table leg and scoot itself completely hidden under the couch on the other side of the room. Moral of the story: Kids, stay in school.
   5. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on the possibility of seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt running naked through my kitchen.
   6. However, from the “One door closes, another door opens department”: Due to an unbelievable confluence of events, during a tour of Buckingham Palace, I once saw Queen Elizabeth II patting herself dry after a sitz bath. I marveled at her pink royal ass, and I say that tongue in cheek.
   7. Has this happened to you? Sometimes, if I’ve unintentionally touched my iPhone screen in strange ways while trying to get it out of my pocket, I’ll look at the screen and I’ve somehow gotten so deep into the iOS architecture that I have the ability to launch nuclear strikes anywhere in the world. Sometimes I access a video of Jennifer Love Hewitt encouraging me to, “Get a life, dude.”
   8. From the Unintended Consequences Dept: At the Pray-it-Away Conversion Therapy Clinic, the instructors somehow got the pages mixedup and inadvertently taught the class in reverse order. When they were through, all the teachers had accidentally transformed themselves from straight to gay. Church elders are blaming it all on, “that degenerate Beach Boys’ song ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’ that opened up this whole can of worms.”

• Archimedes, angered at misplacing his toga, exclaims “Eureka, I have lost it!”
• Archimedes math problems keep multiplying
• Archimedes says he’s screwed! (think, think, that’s it. You have found it!)
• It has been determined that William Shatner’s body is 95% ham
• The bark of Dogwood trees is ruff
• Self-Check Out is very popular these days. In fact, hip psychologists now refer to suicide as Self-Check Out.
• “Someday it’s gonna be 50 years from now.” I said that on New Year’s Day in 1976.
• I have no idea what “brioche” is
• Overheard in a Starbucks. A Latte complaining to a Frappuccino about the unearned popularity of a new drink: “That’s all I hear these days, ‘Macha, Macha, Macha!'”

1. Louis XIV Presents: Jerk du Soleil
2. Just Jest I Guess
3. Surely You Joust (And stop calling me Joust…I mean surely)
4. Clowns to the Left of Me Jokers to the Right, Here I am Stuck in the middle with me
5. Oh how we love whatever God, our King tells us to Worship: And other ways to avoid beheading
6. Taylor Swift CPA: The IRAs Tour (Not a show, but a symposium on how peasants can retire early)
7. I Dream of Smallpox: Where to turn when the Plague is getting you down
8. Take My Common-Law Wife, Please!
9. J’ever notice how everybody’s starving cuz there’s no food: And other Silly Observations
10. Vlad the Impaler really Skewers his audience (not suitable for the blood averse)
11. “I can Sever that Head in 3 Whacks” Things frequently said on the “Name that Executioner” show
12. Soot: It’s NOT a Performance in Black Face, it’s just that our faces are so dirty. Soap has not been invented yet.

1. There shall be established one approved name for all grandmothers, and it shall be Nonni.
2. The Olsen Files to be released: It shall be publicly posted why Susan Olsen (little Cindy Brady) did not participate in the first Brady reunion movie. It’s been 38 years. The public has waited long enough.
3. Ken Burns shall make a 30 hour 10-part documentary on the history of balloon animals
4. Airport Lactation Stations shall time-share as Adult Visitation Cubicles
5. If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon
6. Those who delayed the manufacture of mustard and ketchup bottles from being made in the handier cap side down manner, shall be brought to justice. If found guilty, they shall be hung by their feet…till all the fluid rushes to their heads.
7. The Road to Hell shall henceforth be paved with Amazon gift cards

In Order to Form a More Perfect Onion

8. Young people must experience one day per year where they become their 80-year-old self. Until age 60. Then they get one day at 20.
9. It shall be understood that the use of lead pipes caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. So too shall it be recognized that the advent of the Toaster Pastry has done similarly toWestern Civilization
10. In order to strengthen the moral fiber of this country, all thong bikinis are hereby outlawed (unless you happen to be walking by me)
11. Performative tests will be undertaken to determine if “Visine really does get the Red out.”
12. Henceforth, the word “performative” shall be outlawed
13. Be it known, Peeps may be classified as Service Animals and brought aboard hovercraft or other marine conveyances
14. All Bitcoins shall be filled with chocolate and covered in gold foil and given to nephews by uncles

Edited out Dirty Ones:

8. All men shall be barred from saying to any woman, “I’d really like to get to know your inner circle.”
9. Similarly, all women shall be barred from saying to any man, “I’d really like to help me lift your manhole cover.”

1. Spelt, Millet and Amaranth: A Celebration of Ancient Grains
2. American Hammertoe: Tendon Lock in the Distal Phalanx
3. Greek Mythology: A Bunch of Made-up Stuff Not Worth Knowing
4. “Everything OK Hun?”: The Adorable Way in Which Husbands Try to Participate in Their Marriages
5. Thump, Thump, Thump: When the Washing Machine is Imbalanced
6. Elon Musk: The Man, the Fragrance
7. Salt, Sugar and Fat: The Making of President William Howard Taft
8. America’s Sinkholes: A Study in Spontaneous Depressions
9. Outcasts, Hermits and Loners: The Sad Few Among Us Who Do Not Have a Podcast.

***********And 2 Politically Incorrect Ones**************

10. A Fresh Look at the World’s Most Popular Canal: The Vaginal Canal
11. When Man First Began Walking Erect: The Origin Story of Homosexuality