Nice Niche, If You Can Find One

Many are familiar with the term niche marketing where a company develops a product to more profitably entice an underserved segment of the market to emerge. Sometimes in attempting to serve a small demographic, marketers overreach (think Glade Coffin Fresheners) and sometimes they’re spot on (think Fidget Spinners). Consumers have been trained to appreciate products specifically tailored to their unique requirements. Tailoring products to individual needs makes them more desirable, but it also makes them more expensive and forces consumers to endure a bewildering avalanche of choices.

 

I mean could Levi Jeans possibly introduce any more “cuts” or “styles” to its lineup? I’m just trying to find a pair that fits, not one that I can pass down as a family heirloom. The dizzying barrage of never ending permutations on a theme is out of hand. For example, the National Beverage Council now estimates there are more specialty drinks on the market than there are people to drink them.

 

But in a continuous effort to placate consumer demand, create markets and generate profits, numerous products of dubious utility have come and gone. Some of these product introductions have a shelf life faster than a left Tinder swipe. While some new products emerge and are worthy of shelf space, most others are relegated to discount bins at The Dollar Store: which is where I recently purchased 12 rolls of pumpkin spice-scented toilet paper (leaves your ass cheeks jack-o-lantern fresh). So through the Freedom of Information Act (it’s not really free – it’s just an Act) and a Red Bull-fueled imagination, I’ve obtained a partial list of these disastrous product launches. This list demonstrates just how arcane and foolhardy some of these marketing schemes have become. And if you don’t understand my premise by now, there’s no hope for this piece.

 

New Product Marketing Blunders

 

  1. Arm and Hammer’s Clumping Litter for Humans – Designed for people who want to potty like it’s 1999…BC. The litter sold well, but you just couldn’t train humans to use the damn box. Arm & Hammer should have stuck to baking soda.
  2. Seagram’s Complimentary Cocktails – Seagram’s rightfully claimed that these “talking drinks” were the only complimentary cocktails that actually gave compliments. Years in development, these ingratiating cocktails curried favor with the drinker by uttering such complimentary lines as, “You look marvelous” and “I think she likes you.” Despite their agreeable disposition they were viewed as too toadying and were of no help at sobriety check points with such comments to law enforcement as, “Good evening officer. Why you aren’t out on disability like the rest of them?”
  3. Habañero Visine – Latinos weren’t buying it and for good reason. Not only did it not “get the Red out”, it actually “put the Red in.” Major error.
  4. Liquid Soot – From the makers of Liquid Smoke, this flavor enhancer was concocted for people who like their food splashed with the grimy tang of creosote. Originally marketed as Sootracha Sauce, this chimney-derived additive found limited popularity with a narrow demographic of Cockney chimney sweeps where it maintains a cult following to this day.
  5. Good and Enough – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box of Good and Plenty candy with a few pieces taken out.
  6. Senior Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Junior Mints well past its expiration date.
  7. Cadaver Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Senior Mints well past its expiration date.
  8. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sphincters – Tubular animal parts for the holier than thou. Made exclusively from the leftovers of the leftovers the dog food companies had already taken. Consumers didn’t take well to their slogan: We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel so you don’t have to.
  9. Ghoulish Goulash – Sold only at specialty Halloween stores. Once opened it can also be used as a substituted for “gag vomit.”
  10. Morton’s Epsom Salts – Claimed to season your food on the outside while simultaneously soothing sore muscles from the inside. It did the trick alright, but it tasted like pumice.
  11. Non-Sequitur Peanut Butter – Just like regular peanut butter, but sold only in the Tool Corral at Home Depot. Turns out Milwaukee Sawzalls and ground legumes don’t mix.
  12. Smuckers KY Jelly – Marketed as a “multi-use Jelly” it never captured the public’s imagination. It seems people didn’t care much for Kiwi-Yam Jelly spread on their bread or on their private parts.
  13. Skippy Extra Chunky Granite Peanut Butter – For legume connoisseurs who like the crunch of real granite chunks in their peanut butter more than they value the teeth in their head. Marketed as a nutritionally complete peanut butter (one tablespoon provided a lifetime supply of all the minerals known to exist), the product was doomed from the start when the American Dental Association rated it ZM (Zero Molars).
  14. New New Coke – Worth a 2nd try; or so thought Coca-Cola. This New Coke redux made the unfortunate choice of using incarcerated Bill Cosby to once again act as pitchman – big mistake. He kept trying to doctor the drink.
  15. Ostomy Friendly Hotels – Really? Venture Capitalists thought they had this one in the bag and showed great intestinal fortitude in funding a hotel for traveling ostomites, who themselves display little intestinal aptitude. Ironically the VCs ended up flushing a bundle of money down the toilet. Market research later showed this demographic was intestinally infinitesimal.
  16. Coppertone’s 0 SPF Sunscreen for Epidermal Risk Takers – What’s not to like here? – Everything. With an SPF of 0, this was a sunscreen in name only. Coppertone wasn’t even throwing shade at the problem of sunburn.
  17. Gibson 24-string Guitars – Scientific marketers postulated that if a regular 6-string guitar was universally popular, then a 24-string guitar would prove to be at least 4 times more popular – right? Wrong. This String Theory proved unworkable.
  18. Downy Fabric Softener with Bluing for extra-Whiteness – Hmmm, Bluing for extra-Whiteness may sound like a contradiction in terms, but this scheme actually worked (the bluing counteracts the natural yellowing process in white clothing).
  19. Breath Mints for Ventriloquists – A failed high concept breath freshener that one takes in order to freshen the breath of the person next to you. For example, it doesn’t freshen your breath, but, if thrown properly, it will freshen the stale breath of anyone who happens to be sitting on your knee. And Breath Mints for Ventriloquists cuts across levels of intelligence – it didn’t matter whether the person with bad breath was smart or just a dummy. Skilled and stealthy throwers of good breath can accomplish this feat while barely moving their lips – the throwee doesn’t even know what hit them. Despite its effectiveness, consumers shunned the product calling it, in the words of Einstein, “spooky action at a distance.”
  20. Smith & Wesson’s Wound Salt – A wound-worsening rub that adds just a little more sting to the enemy when you’re “rubbing it in.” Consumers rejected this exacerbating cream saying it just seemed to add “insult to injury.”
  21. Britta Portable Personal Hydration System – Too much of a good thing. While formerly parched consumers appreciated being fully hydrated 24/7, they complained the so-called “handy IV gurney” was unworkable while driving and its lines were always getting tangled up with the catheter bag: which was necessary to process the 5½ gallons of water the IV dripped into your system every day.
  22. 3M’s 80-Grit Toilet Paper – Maybe it served its purpose for the first wipe, but after that it just irritated people.
  23. SONY No Screen TVs – All the sound, tuning and clarity of a regular TV, but without the visual screen. Buyers were bewildered, “So did I just buy a radio?”
  24. Clairol Same Shade Hair Color – None of the contrast with none of the highlights. Consumers found this dye, not to die for.
  25. Sarasota Avionics Blackout Windshield Cover – This road blocking screen gave wannabe pilots the opportunity to drive under the canopy just like a real airline pilot encountering IFR conditions. However, even with the periscope option, this visually limiting driving aid generated excessive litigation and was pulled from the market.

Someone’s Gotta Do This. And I Am that Someone.

A Pandora’s Box of temptations? Pearls of Wisdom from a cultured oyster? English expressions of ephemeral ideas? A disgorgement of mental freneticism? A Hobson’s Choice to be sure.

It is often said that to lead a happy life you should, “Dance like nobody’s watching.” I get that. But with a twist. What brings me joy is to, “Write like nobody’s reading.” And based upon my Google Analytics of late, that statement has never been truer. There’s no denying what brings us joy. The heart wants what the heart wants.

So as I bathe myself in literary pixie dust in preparation for a writer’s journey into rapture, I find myself in my element. I’ve got my backlit keyboard, my predatory imagination and I’ve just cracked open a fresh ginger-hibiscus kombucha. I’m not only in my element, I’ve become an element: Hardimanium – a rare psychoactive literary element consisting of all Higgs bosons and a knowing smirk.

Now as I gently loosen the tethers mooring me to conventional and unspectacular wisdom, I feel the motivating presence of a million eyes not reading this. Such exquisite freedom. My gatekeepers have been put on administrative leave and in their absence no bureaucratic censor exists to burden my thoughts. The swirling excesses of my cerebral vortices are tamed only by the limits of the English language. 

Yes, it’s the perfect literary storm and the NWS (No, not the National Weather Service, but the Narcotized Writers’ Sanctuary) is calling for a lacerating Category 5 hurricane once the literary storm travels up your optic nerve and saturates your consciousness. But please don’t evacuate yourself just yet. I promise to keep you securely within the eye of Hurricane David, at an observationally safe distance from its high-velocity humor and killer premises. You might get a little wet, but that’s only in keeping with the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who mused so eloquently: “Into each life some rain must fall.”

I thank you for the absence of your presence. How else can I write so uninhibitedly?

 

Cutting and Pasting My Inner Dialogue

What if the Pep Boys were Impressionists and not Auto Parts bobble heads? Instead of Manny, Moe and Jack, they’d be Manet, Monet and Jacques.

 

Are there boats that ship dead people to ports of final call? And if so, would that ship be a place where corpses are berthed? Cuz I would think it would be pretty difficult to berth a corpse…I mean the gestation period alone.

 

Amazing Feet: Marathoner wins race 7 years running.  

 

So I guess “new train smell” is just something I’ll never experience.

 

Things not often thought about: At the height of his popularity Elvis was drafted into the Army. And he actually had to go. No dispensation for the King of Rock & Roll. Can anyone imagine Eminem or Jay-Z having had to serve a 2 year hitch in the Army? “Nope, I’m sorry Mr. Mathers you’ll need to guard an ammo dump at Fort Benning for a couple of years.” Or…”Tough luck Shawn Carter, these potatoes won’t peel themselves here at Camp Granada.”   

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A Car Divided Against Itself Cannot Sell,

But a Car Appealing to our Hidden Prejudices Just Might.

 

These Are the Cars That Drive Men’s Souls

If you can’t halve your car both ways, why not have it one way. Automobile manufacturers understand your need to express with excess.

With the advent of social media, a clear-eyed discussion of the pressing issues of the day has been reduced to flame-throwing snarky comments at those you disagree with. These curdles of wisdom are also known as memes. Memes as in: Me, me, me, me, me, me, memes! . This scorched Earth policy leaves little room for conciliation and plenty of room for righteous indignation. The once deep reservoir of societal collegiality has been drained from the body politic leaving its citizens parched and petulant.

 

Not to worry however because this corrosive dynamic will be obliterated when polemicists of all stripes depart this surly world and pass through that transcendent tunnel of purifying white light you hear about from people who’ve returned from NDEs (Near Death Experiences). These briefly deceased trailblazers will tell you they can’t describe the rapturous splendor awaiting you, but if they could convey anything it’s that we’re all one in God and all this fussing and fighting serves no one. This is not some “Kum-bi-ya” moment for the nearly dead, but rather a “How did I forget that?” moment for the recently returned. Of course this does no one any good if they realize the greater reality when they’re on the other side and can’t tangibly express it when they return to their bodies. At least it’s comforting to know that it is our destiny to have our prejudices, self-image and core values all scrubbed clean by the astringent lather of eternal truth.

 

If learning the truth requires a cessation of earthly distractions then so be it. I just wish it took something less dramatic for us to recall our truer natures. Perhaps if people could have these epiphanies without dying. Maybe, like the aforementioned near death experience. Yeah, that’s it! An NDE – a Near Death Experience. I mean a near death experience never killed anybody – that’s how it got its name in the first place. It’s only near death, and not the actual death itself. That’s the long and hopeful view anyway. But as long as we’re 7 billion fussy people on Earth with wrongs to be righted, it’s a different story.

 

A story car marketers haven’t turned a blind eye to. So in keeping with our thinly-educated citizenry happy to revel in the one-dimensional smugness of what they’ve just cut & pasted on social media, automobile manufacturers have begun to target market their models not only to practical considerations, but also to political considerations. And in catering to these political views the new models have become decidedly tendentious as manufacturers accentuate the vehicular divide. These models may need a realignment soon because currently these politicars are made to crab either too far left or too far right. Some parents like to start their children out early in these biased models; similarly to how they might use corrective shoes to get their children to walk straight – except in this case it’s to steer them left or right.

 

For example, the new Ford Polarity proves that a car divided against itself can drive. It comes in 2 niche-marketed models: The all-new Ford Snowflake – very big in California. And its sister stablemate the brawny new Ford Extremist – makes a Hummer look like a Mini Cooper. These 2 new models promise to satisfy the left and the right while simultaneously irritating both.

 

The Ford Snowflake features a selectable horn option that blows very, very softly and says, “Pardon me, but could you please be more considerate. I mean both specifically in this traffic situation and generally in society?” It’s an apologetic mouthful, but what else would you expect from a Snowflake? Standard bumper stickers read:

  1. I Brake For Immigrants
  2. I Don’t See Color
  3. I Tolerate Everybody But Those Ignoramuses.

 

Sold way over on the right side of the sales floor is the Ford Extremist. Its horn whistles Dixie when blown and its bumper stickers read:

  1. If Catapults are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Catapults
  2. This Truck Ain’t Got No Cup Holders, But It Does Have Beer Holders
  3. I Like Things Just The Way I Imagine Them To Be.

 

With Ford segmenting the market politically, other manufacturers are following suit. Other politicars in various stages of production include:

 

  1. The 2018 Kate Upton – Finally a model we can all agree on
  2. Pontiac Partisan – You’ll never cross the center divide again in this model
  3. Ford Compromise – The only car whose best performance is in neutral
  4. Ford Zion – Runs on chutzpah and unleaded chutzpah. All gauges are read right to left and instead of a sunroof it comes with a little yarmulke on top. And yes, you can only buy it wholesale.
  5. Lexus Libtard – For the well-educated male and limousine liberal who bristles at the inequities of life and donates generously to food banks and women’s shelters alike; all the while he’s pressing his 28 year-old single mom secretary for sex. This vehicle is also badged under the Hyundai Hypocrisy and is nicknamed the Charlie Rose
  6. Hummer RWNJ – Runs on gumption and unexamined motives. A self-driving version was scrapped because it continually pulled to the right. Its hood ornament doubles as a bullhorn and its BOSE sound system is actually an echo chamber so the driver’s beliefs are continuously reinforced while motoring. When the GPS “Home” button is pressed the RWNJ routes you directly to NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.
  7. Deep State Dodge – Similar to their Stealth, only much stealthier
  8. Toyota Tyrant – Runs on threats and intimidation. Hybrid version uses both narcissism and sociopathy as alternative fuels.
  9. Tesla Bipartisan – What else would you expect from the Muskinator but transcendence, integration and a higher calling – all in a zero carbon footprint vehicle. This is a car with that visionary thing that looks beyond petty squabbles and intractable anxieties. Also comes in a Prozac version.

 

It is with abundant glee and unbridled something-er-other I celebrate the inanity and sweetness of life as suggested in this apocryphal marketing expose. If I focus on just the mean-spiritedness of life, it would drive me crazy and writing this satirical piece is how I like to be driven.

Gastronomic Judicial Proceedings

The Supreme Food Court at the CIA (The Culinary Institute of America) has a full menu of cases this session. They include the following noteworthy disputes and their abstracts:

When gastronomic disputes arise, the CIA proves that although justice may be blind, it doesn’t have to be tasteless.

  1. Kevin Bacon v. Meat Loaf – Case to decide who’s the Alpha Carnivore
  2. Pringles v. United States Sawdust Corporation – A case in which US Sawdust seeks recompense or at least some credit for providing half of the ingredients in Pringles “Potato” Chips.
  3. Mr. Coffee v. Mrs. Butterworth – One glorious night of frolicking on the kitchen counter between a sweetly seductive Mrs. Butterworth and a highly caffeinated Mr. Coffee led to the birth of their little Baby Ruth. The question now arises: Who’s going to pay for Baby Ruth’s support? Until the case is resolved Baby Ruth has been placed in the temporary custody of Aunt Jemima – which in this case is located on the 2nd shelf of the cabinet nearest the sink.
  4. Venus Fly Trap v. Flies – Should be an open and shut case
  5. Yam v. Sweet Potato – Case to decide if they’re the same vegetable – you never see them in the same produce section at the same time. The court expects Plant Psychologists to give expert testimony on schizophrenia in root vegetables.
  6. Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano Cookies v. Alyssa Milano – Pepperidge Farms alleges “Unconscious copyright infringement” on the part of Ms. Milano. In order to eliminate further confusion between its cookie and Ms. Milano, Pepperidge Farm seeks to compel Ms. Milano to rename herself either Alyssa Marzipan or Alyssa Xanthan Gum. Ms. Milano’s is reluctant to comply stating, “Who’s the boss?” Tony Danza has filed a friend of the court brief stating: “I speak for millions of Americans when I say that there is no confusion here. If you put the two of them side by side there’s only one of them you’d want to eat.”
  7. The Estate of Clarence Birdseye v. The People of the United States – The estate of Clarence Birdseye contends that the idea of freezing ffood or future consumption was theirs and theirs alone. Consequently they seek redress in the form of a 1¢ royalty on all food items frozen after 1953. Critics believe the case doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Birdseye lawyers claim it does have a snowball’s chance in a freezer.
  8. Faberge Eggs v. Egg Beaters – Faberge Eggs believes the existence of Egg Beaters is an affront to all hard-shelled ova everywhere.  Faberge wonders why marauding gangs of Egg Beaters are still allowed to roam the dairy case with impunity as they wantonly crack shells and otherwise beat up on their oval brethren is an outrage. They find this brand of “egg on egg” violence unacceptable. “These are not good eggs,” says an attorney for the firm of Humpty and Dumpty. Faberge Eggs seek redress in the form of having all Egg Beaters confined to their cartons until breakfast time, when they’ll have their contents poured onto a skillet and fried rigid till they’re no longer a threat to anyone. In its defense, Egg Beaters lamented, “It’s not the way we’d choose to behave, it’s just the way General Foods makes us.”
  9. Pillsbury Toaster Strudel v. Kellogg’s Pop Tarts – Convenience breakfast food turf battle heats up as Pop Tarts assert its claim as the original toaster pastry. Toaster Strudel’s attorneys intend employ the nuclear option and play the “Eggo Waffle card” if Pop Tarts maintain its exclusive right to dub itself the one and only original toaster pastry. Counsel for Toaster Strudel are incredulous at Pop Tarts duplicity – i.e., “How can Pop Tarts honestly maintain they hold exclusive rights to the ‘toaster pastry’ name when their own company manufactures a similar product – the Eggo Toaster Waffle? It seems Pop Tarts wants to have their waffle and eat it too. We say never. We say Leggo my Eggo.”
  10. Honda v. Hyundai (I know not food related, but it was the only court date they could get)
  11. Benadryl v. Peanut Farmers of America – Benadryl seeks to neutralize Peanut Farmers’ effort to impose their legumes on an unsuspecting public. Thus far the Peanut Farmers’ lawyers have been tentative in coming out of their shells.
  12. Parsnip v. Turnip – This case is being closely watched by the Dirt Farmers of Appalachia, that will determine which tuber possesses the more bodacious ta-tas. This landmark ruling will decide once and forever whether a Parsnip or a Turnip has the best nips. The winner gets the tuber concession at Dollywood.
  13. Margarine v. Butter – Margarine seeks a cease and desist order against Butter’s derogatory assertion that: If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon.
  14. Darryl Strawberry v. Halle Berry – Case is being watched berry, berry closely.

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche is, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

And You Thought Food Courts Were Just Places Where Hungry Mall Shoppers Ate

Food Court Rulings 2018: Case Histories

A lot goes on behind the scenes at Food Courts. Everything from deliveries to deliberations: Food Courts ensure franchises are obeying the Rule of Gnaw.

 

World Food Court at The Hague

Mrs. Dalrymple vs Gerber Baby Food

Mrs. Dalrymple complained her baby’s strained peas were too chunky.

The World Food Court found in favor of Mrs. D. agreeing that indeed the peas were too chunky. To remedy the defect, the Food Court issued Gerber a restraining order.

 

Mall of America Food Court vs KFC

Mall of America Food Court found Kentucky Fried Chicken guilty of frequent and regular battery of its fried chicken. Exasperated KFC’s lawyers responded by asking the food court, “How else are we supposed to coat the damn birds if we can’t batter them?” Mall of America Food Court was unswayed by the argument and ordered KFC to pay $1 million to fund a Home for Battered Chicken.

 

Boise Food Court vs MacDonald’s Restaurant Corporation

Boise Food Court accused MacDonald’s of perpetrating repeated a salt on its French Fries. MacDonald’s contends the sodium-enhancing act was consensual and essential to the flavor of its deep-fried spuds. Boise Food Court disagreed and issued a No So Dium Order of Cessation.

 

Sarasota Food Court vs Minute Maid Orange Juice

Sarasota Food Court found Minute Maid Orange Juice’s pulp very thinly scattered and generally unfocused. As a remedy the Sarasota Food Court required that Minute Maid Orange Juice concentrate. 

 

Talladega Race Track Food Court vs The Milk Advisory Board

The City Fathers of Talladega requested the Milk Advisory Board to change the labeling on their cartons from Homogenized Milk to Heterogenized Milk. They cited a citizenry “uncomfortable” drinking from anything with the word “Homo” on it.

The Milk Advisory Board summarily refused the remedy claiming the Talladega Food Court was acting lactose intolerantly.

 

Milwaukee County Stadium Food Court vs Miller Brewing Company

Issued an injunction barring Miller Brewing Company from referring to its calorie-reduced beer as “Lite.” Milwaukee Food Court required Miller to call this diluted beer what it really is: Diet Beer. “What’s next,” Miller’s lawyers complained, “making it a requirement to pronounce each letter in the name ‘Worcestershire Sauce’?”

 

Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream

In the case of Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, the Food Court held that Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream’s in-stadium advertising claim that “You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream,” was extravagant, fatuous and irredeemably self-serving – even though the ice cream itself was not self-serve (a legally semantic thicket).

After Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream pleaded nolo contendre to overstating their case of patrons “screaming” for ice cream, the Court required Haagen-Dazs to tone themselves down. Specifically the remedy barred Haagen-Dazs from claiming anything more than “Ice cream is a desirable treat that perhaps many, but not all enjoy. And although consumers of the frozen confection might request it in a voluble manner, rarely is it ordered while screaming.”

Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream is appealing the ruling to a higher court: The Court of Public Opinion.

 

Dessert

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche was, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

Top 10 Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

  1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
  2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
  3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
  4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
  5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
  6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
  7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

  1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
  2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

  1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

  1. Frank Briscoe
  2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
  3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
  4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

  1. #MeToo
  2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
  3. Early Onset Cellulose
  4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
  5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

  1. Kelly Williams
  2. Caitlyn Wilmore
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

  1. No one wants to see that.
  2. Carpet Layers
  3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

  1. Really?
  2. No c’mon man, really?
  3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
  4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
  5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

  1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
  2. Good Year blimp
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
  4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
  5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

  1. Something
  2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

Least Inspiring Restaurant Franchise Names

  1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
  2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
  3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
  4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
  5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
  6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
  7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
  8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
  9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
  10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
  11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
  12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
  13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
  14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
  15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
  16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
  17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
  18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
  19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

As my mother used to say, “David, sometimes your humor escapes me.” Well these escaped me…

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning

Regular Version:
     The tortoise taught us Tetris
 
Yoda Version:
     Tetris, the tortoise taught us
 
Palindromic in Nature
 
Regular Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Backwards Version:
     .amanaP lanac a nalp a nam A
Backwards Detangled and Reordered Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Yoda Version:
     Panama, a canal, a plan, a man
Van Halen Version:
     Panama
Lewis Carrol Version:
     An animap twas brillig panib
Pig Latin Version
     Amana aplana acanala aPanama
Bill Gates Version
     011010110010100111010101011001010 Panama
 
 
Extra Vagant vs. extravagant
Photo Graphy vs. photography
Ali vs. Frazier
Alternate methods for getting across the Potomac River: Roe vs. Wade
 
Papal bull gets loose sending St. Peter’s flock running for sanctuary.
 
I don’t know about you, but I feel better now.
And still I wonder:
     Do geese see God
Backwards Version:
     Do geese see God
 
Help! I’m caught in a loop. Which is perfect because I’m feeling a little loopy this Saturday morning.
 

Fight Club: Round 2

What’s the dumbest thing you can think of doing? And then make a movie about it.

The Officially Revised Rules to the Sequel to Fight Club

The first rule of the original Fight Club was:

You do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of the original Fight Club was:

You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

In this more charitable sequel, the rules have been updated to reflect a more tolerant pugilistic culture.

The first revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may obliquely refer to Fight Club.

The second revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may OBLIQUELY refer to Fight Club.

 

Other rules/observations to the sequel Fight Club Round 2 are as follows:

  1. If a participant is knocked out, the National Anthem is played so they will spring to their feet through patriotic peer pressure
  2. All jock straps will be equipped with air bags to protect against accidental kicks to the groin
  3. Chuck Norris is not allowed to compete in Fight Club (unless, of course, he wants to)
  4. If a defeated opponent yells “Stop”, taps out or goes limp, the victor must pull down the loser’s pants and yell “Olly olly oxen free.”
  5. Fight Club believes (contrary to whatever the American Society of Gastroenterologists might say) that the occasional roundhouse kick to the stomach is actually good for digestion. The same holds true for a right cross to the occipital lobe improving your vision. 
  6. Even if you’re a delusional and alienated white collar worker looking for kicks, Fight Club is a really, really stupid thing to do – especially if you’re as good-looking as Brad Pitt
  7. This list of rules doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you’re familiar with Fight Club. And even if you are familiar with it, the list still doesn’t make much sense.
  8. In Fight Club you may not use corncob holders as a weapon. However you may use armpit odor.
  9. You are not permitted to quote from the Bible while your opponent is in a chokehold. However you may quote from Chuck Norris’s autobiography
  10. The channeling of Bruce Lee is recommended. However the channeling of Brenda Lee…not so much
  11. If you enjoy fighting recreationally, you might also like our sister group: Colonoscopy Club. The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: You do not talk about Colonoscopy Club. The second rule is that, due to fumes beyond its control, Colonoscopy Club stinks.

Not Quite Medical Conditions

  1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
  2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
  3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
  4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
  5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
  6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
  7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
  8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
  9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
  10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
  11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
  12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
  13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
  14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
  15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
  16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
  17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
  18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
  19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
  20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
  21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
  22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
  23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
  24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
  25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident