Tranquilizing Tubular Tabbies: Furry Sedatives for the Airborne

Forget about Snakes on a Plane. Cats on a plane is where it’s at.

Air travel can be fraught with lengthy TSA lines, final boarding calls and piddling little snacks even the Donner party would refuse. And that’s why after a whole minute of careful consideration, I propose the FAA reduce stress levels to the flying public by mandating that at least one highly trained service cat be placed aboard all domestic flights of over 2 hours. These soothing service kitties will go a long way toward tranquilizing a fuselage full of jittery passengers. I mean who among us would not be comforted to board a plane full of calming cats and watch the fur fly?

 

If boutique bookstores can have cats lolling languidly about the hardcovers, reminding us of our tranquil nature, why shouldn’t 737s have cats on seat backs and tray tables reminding us that maybe humans were meant to fly after all? What better way to soothe a fuselage full of fidgety fliers than to have a serene service cat entertain and relax them just by their presence. Each cat would be fully trained and tailored to their mission. For example, on overseas flights to Asia the airlines would employ Siamese Cats. In flights to Transylvania, Air Romania would use Scaredy Cats and in flying to San Francisco they’d use cats suffering from gender dysphoria. You get the idea. Heck, in Egypt, whose culture lionizes cats already, Egypt Air has actually qualified cats to fly in the 2 seat. And while lionizing cats may seem redundant, it’s more sensible than hero worshiping at a deli.  

 

Much like service dogs, these specially trained cats would be very companionable and instead of wearing vests that read “Service Dog, Do Not Pet”, they’d wear vests saying, “Service Cat, Do Not Lick.” That is, except when they’re in Ireland flying on Aer Lingus. On Aer Lingus using your tongue is not only acceptable, but is actually encouraged. As you can probably sense, the rollout of this “Flying Tigers” program will be problematic – littered with litter and filled with fur balls. 

 

Not just any cat would be allowed to join this litter box version of the mile-high club. Qualified fuselage felines would be composed, mature cats who’d pitter-patter down the aisle with their tails high and their dander low. Vetting these little flying tigers would be rigorous. But who would do the vetting? Why veterinarians of course. But not just any veterinarians. Retired military veterinarians. In other words, veteran veterinarians would vet. Read the rest of this entry »

Another Mass Shooting at Walgreens Pharmacy

At least 25 senior citizens were believed to have been shot this morning at a downtown Reno Walgreens Pharmacy. What we know so far is that they were all shot in the same appendage at close range and that miraculously every one of them has survived. Well no group has yet taken credit for the assault, no one is really disowning it either. This shooting seems to have been months in the planning. At a slowly arranged press conference, a Walgreens spokesman reminded everyone that each of these senior citizen voluntarily signed-up for their shot, just as they do every year during flu season: “We always shoot the old people first because they’re the most vulnerable population. Maybe ‘inoculate’ would be a better word to use than ‘shoot.’ ”  

 

As reports of the immunization circulated President Trump tweeted: “Had I known these senior citizens were in danger I would’ve stepped in and taken their shots for them.” The NRA had no comment on the latest in mass shootings except to say: “If hypodermic needles are outlawed, only outlaws will have hypodermic needles.”

 

Even in the wake of this mass shooting, Big Pharma is planning more nationwide shootings in order to protect the public from God-given pathogens. And the public seems willing to go along with anything that will shield them from the ravages of Cold & Flu season. A Big Pharma spokes-enabler said: “We firmly believe in shooting citizens for their own good. And that it’s vital to adhere to that portion of the 2nd Amendment facilitating these shots – The right to bare arms.”

As usual, our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who were shot.

Osgood Stickler: Modern Day Truant Officer

A fresh, young face in the exciting field of Truancy Enforcement. Don’t be late. Start your career today. But seriously, be on time. It’s one of the requirements. 

Hello everyone, my name is Osgood Stickler, and in case you haven’t guessed by now, I’m a stickler. My father was a stickler and his father was a Stickler. He’d better be. He was born Johann Stickler in Bavaria. Well, in Munich actually. In fact he was born in a second floor back bedroom on 1352 Manheim Strasse in Munich at a latitude of 48° 8′ 13.7544” N and a longitude of 11° 34′ 34.0464” E. See, I really am a stickler. So is it any wonder I’d gravitate toward the not-quite-a-policeman field of a Truancy Enforcement – a profession to which my persnickety nature and exacting expectations are well-suited? Some might argue that if my last name was Vlasic I’d gravitate to a job in the field of cucumbers. But it’s not. So I’m a Stickler, not a pickler. 

 

Now there’s a vast difference between a stickler and a person who suffers from OCD. I’m the normal one. I don’t nitpick. Oh sure I might enjoy coloring inside the lines more than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about average bears, let alone how they might color something. It has always been my tenet that if you do your duty and keep your nose clean, you’ll succeed. And it’s not just the nose. It’s other body parts too. But I think it’s important to start with the nose…and maybe include the ears. Basically you should keep clean any uncovered body part another person can see. The hidden parts, not so much – unless they start to smell worse than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about the smell of average bears?  

 

My interest in enforcing truancy laws began in the early 80’s when Dr. Stephen Hawking’s less cosmic brother Ralph, published his groundbreaking book A Brief History of Truancy. Alright, it was groundbreaking to me at least. In this special interest book Ralph Hawking deconstructs the salient epochs of truancy and brilliantly relates the enforcement of attendance requirements to the universe as a whole. In this masterly tome, Ralph Hawking traces a general history of absenteeism, enforced attendance and just plain being AWOL. It’s broken down by distinct Truancy eras:

  1. Truancy in Later Hominids: 40,000 BC-10,000 BC
  2. Truancy Before the Beatles: 10,000 BC-1963
  3. The Beatles: 1964-1970
  4. Truancy, Truancy, Truancy: Truancy in the time of Marcia Brady: 1971-1974
  5. Truancy in the time of Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors: 1975-present

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There are No Bad Hair Days in Nashville

Barbara Mandrell and Dolly Parton. Inspiration for the B-52s?

Barbara Mandrell & Dolly Parton were living life in a fish bowl until they turned the tables on the press by putting it under their hair.

Other advantages of such Big Hair:
1. In the event of a water landing, hair can be used as a flotation device
2. In a car crash, tilting head forward provides greater impact protection than an air bag
3. Made it easier for women to just be themselves
4. Can rent out the puffy bouffant to Boeing for additional hangar space
5. Inspiration for the B-52s
6. At children’s birthday parties, scalp area can be used as a Bounce House
7. Fits up to 4 illegal aliens…or 3 legal ones
8. No more headboard banging
9. Aided in the development of Aqua Net
10. Yet another collateral benefit of the Space Program (anti-gravity hair)
11. Picture was used as a warning, back in the day when scientists were concerned about Global Hairing

Philadelphia Airport Wins “Moving Sidewalk” Award

Philadelphia airport’s people mover voted Most Moving Sidewalk. Even the most stoic business people succumb to its poignancy.

A horizontal people conveyor at Philadelphia’s International Airport was voted Most Moving Sidewalk by the APA (Airline Passengers Association). This particular moving sidewalk is located in the lower concourse and has surprised many unwary riders by providing more than just a perfunctory ride from Terminal 3 to Terminal 4. Many unsuspecting passengers have boarded the moving sidewalk at one end composed and collected, only to find themselves a bawling heap of inconsolable emotion at the other end. Make no mistake about it: this is a very moving sidewalk. Airport surveillance video of this moving sidewalk shows that at about the 20 foot mark most people start to sniffle; by 60 feet they’re visibly weeping and by the time they arrive at the end of the line they’re clutching the handrail and crying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy.”

Many theories have been advanced as to why this sidewalk is so moving (besides the motor, of course). Some say it’s Philadelphia’s history of “brotherly love” that imbues the track with an overwhelming feeling of human fellowship. Others say it’s residual “Spirit of ’76” energy, whereby the sidewalk seems to be built over a whirlpool of patriotic fervor. Still others believe there’s some kind of emotional vortex permeating the interconnected treads. Even Dr. Phil was stumped when he was brought in to survey the situation, saying, “It is truly an ironic twist, that this flat, slow-speed sidewalk somehow offers a roller coaster of emotions – go figure.”   

 

Whether it’s called “assistive transportation for the be-luggaged traveler” or a “lateral respite for lazy-ass bipeds”, this moving sidewalk transports you in more ways than one. Sensitive fliers find its treads unaccountably poignant. “They’re not just horizontal people movers,” said a choked-up Jessica Caffrey after de-sidewalking on her way to Spokane, “They’re a human conveyor belt to profound emotion. Again, I can’t say it enough – this isn’t just a moving sidewalk – it’s a moving sidewalk. Right about the 60 foot mark you come to understand just how fleeting life’s journey is. And when I’m riding it I can sense the poignancy of the moving sidewalk as a metaphor for life’s all too short journey. Some say one can get a similar feeling on a certain Planet Fitness treadmill in Austin, TX. And I tried it, but it’s just not the same – all I did was get a little misty at the 20 minute mark doing 3.5 mph at a 2° incline. I mean it was a moving treadmill. It just didn’t find it that moving.”

  

The APA voted overwhelmingly for this sidewalk. A moving sidewalk at the San Antonio airport finished second, but all it did was to cause people to remember the Alamo. The Philadelphia sidewalk on the other hand caused passengers to be swept up in an epic emotional drama. So much so that this Philadelphia Airport moving sidewalk is staffed with a warning sign at its entrance and grief counselors at its exit. The warning sign reads: If you’re carrying a lot of baggage (emotional or otherwise) please avoid this conveyance. The Dr. Phil trained grief counselors at the egress point offer tea & sympathy.

 

So while this moving sidewalk continues to baffle experts with its emotionally moving experience, reports have begun to circulate that some of Philadelphia Airport’s toilet seats are also providing moving experiences; which is good news for the constipated who are now flocking to these restrooms on the lower concourse near Terminal 4 to find relief. After the catharsis of the moving sidewalk to Terminal 4 and a stint in the purgative bathroom they emerge a reborn passenger without any baggage at all, except their carry on.

 

Nice Niche, If You Can Find One

Many are familiar with the term niche marketing where a company develops a product to more profitably entice an underserved segment of the market to emerge. Sometimes in attempting to serve a small demographic, marketers overreach (think Glade Coffin Fresheners) and sometimes they’re spot on (think Fidget Spinners). Consumers have been trained to appreciate products specifically tailored to their unique requirements. Tailoring products to individual needs makes them more desirable, but it also makes them more expensive and forces consumers to endure a bewildering avalanche of choices.

 

I mean could Levi Jeans possibly introduce any more “cuts” or “styles” to its lineup? I’m just trying to find a pair that fits, not one that I can pass down as a family heirloom. The dizzying barrage of never ending permutations on a theme is out of hand. For example, the National Beverage Council now estimates there are more specialty drinks on the market than there are people to drink them.

 

But in a continuous effort to placate consumer demand, create markets and generate profits, numerous products of dubious utility have come and gone. Some of these product introductions have a shelf life faster than a left Tinder swipe. While some new products emerge and are worthy of shelf space, most others are relegated to discount bins at The Dollar Store: which is where I recently purchased 12 rolls of pumpkin spice-scented toilet paper (leaves your ass cheeks jack-o-lantern fresh). So through the Freedom of Information Act (it’s not really free – it’s just an Act) and a Red Bull-fueled imagination, I’ve obtained a partial list of these disastrous product launches. This list demonstrates just how arcane and foolhardy some of these marketing schemes have become. And if you don’t understand my premise by now, there’s no hope for this piece.

 

New Product Marketing Blunders

 

  1. Arm and Hammer’s Clumping Litter for Humans – Designed for people who want to potty like it’s 1999…BC. The litter sold well, but you just couldn’t train humans to use the damn box. Arm & Hammer should have stuck to baking soda.
  2. Seagram’s Complimentary Cocktails – Seagram’s rightfully claimed that these “talking drinks” were the only complimentary cocktails that actually gave compliments. Years in development, these ingratiating cocktails curried favor with the drinker by uttering such complimentary lines as, “You look marvelous” and “I think she likes you.” Despite their agreeable disposition they were viewed as too toadying and were of no help at sobriety check points with such comments to law enforcement as, “Good evening officer. Why you aren’t out on disability like the rest of them?”
  3. Habañero Visine – Latinos weren’t buying it and for good reason. Not only did it not “get the Red out”, it actually “put the Red in.” Major error.
  4. Liquid Soot – From the makers of Liquid Smoke, this flavor enhancer was concocted for people who like their food splashed with the grimy tang of creosote. Originally marketed as Sootracha Sauce, this chimney-derived additive found limited popularity with a narrow demographic of Cockney chimney sweeps where it maintains a cult following to this day.
  5. Good and Enough – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box of Good and Plenty candy with a few pieces taken out.
  6. Senior Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Junior Mints well past its expiration date.
  7. Cadaver Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Senior Mints well past its expiration date.
  8. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sphincters – Tubular animal parts for the holier than thou. Made exclusively from the leftovers of the leftovers the dog food companies had already taken. Consumers didn’t take well to their slogan: We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel so you don’t have to.
  9. Ghoulish Goulash – Sold only at specialty Halloween stores. Once opened it can also be used as a substituted for “gag vomit.”
  10. Morton’s Epsom Salts – Claimed to season your food on the outside while simultaneously soothing sore muscles from the inside. It did the trick alright, but it tasted like pumice.
  11. Non-Sequitur Peanut Butter – Just like regular peanut butter, but sold only in the Tool Corral at Home Depot. Turns out Milwaukee Sawzalls and ground legumes don’t mix.
  12. Smuckers KY Jelly – Marketed as a “multi-use Jelly” it never captured the public’s imagination. It seems people didn’t care much for Kiwi-Yam Jelly spread on their bread or on their private parts.
  13. Skippy Extra Chunky Granite Peanut Butter – For legume connoisseurs who like the crunch of real granite chunks in their peanut butter more than they value the teeth in their head. Marketed as a nutritionally complete peanut butter (one tablespoon provided a lifetime supply of all the minerals known to exist), the product was doomed from the start when the American Dental Association rated it ZM (Zero Molars).
  14. New New Coke – Worth a 2nd try; or so thought Coca-Cola. This New Coke redux made the unfortunate choice of using incarcerated Bill Cosby to once again act as pitchman – big mistake. He kept trying to doctor the drink.
  15. Ostomy Friendly Hotels – Really? Venture Capitalists thought they had this one in the bag and showed great intestinal fortitude in funding a hotel for traveling ostomites, who themselves display little intestinal aptitude. Ironically the VCs ended up flushing a bundle of money down the toilet. Market research later showed this demographic was intestinally infinitesimal.
  16. Coppertone’s 0 SPF Sunscreen for Epidermal Risk Takers – What’s not to like here? – Everything. With an SPF of 0, this was a sunscreen in name only. Coppertone wasn’t even throwing shade at the problem of sunburn.
  17. Gibson 24-string Guitars – Scientific marketers postulated that if a regular 6-string guitar was universally popular, then a 24-string guitar would prove to be at least 4 times more popular – right? Wrong. This String Theory proved unworkable.
  18. Downy Fabric Softener with Bluing for extra-Whiteness – Hmmm, Bluing for extra-Whiteness may sound like a contradiction in terms, but this scheme actually worked (the bluing counteracts the natural yellowing process in white clothing).
  19. Breath Mints for Ventriloquists – A failed high concept breath freshener that one takes in order to freshen the breath of the person next to you. For example, it doesn’t freshen your breath, but, if thrown properly, it will freshen the stale breath of anyone who happens to be sitting on your knee. And Breath Mints for Ventriloquists cuts across levels of intelligence – it didn’t matter whether the person with bad breath was smart or just a dummy. Skilled and stealthy throwers of good breath can accomplish this feat while barely moving their lips – the throwee doesn’t even know what hit them. Despite its effectiveness, consumers shunned the product calling it, in the words of Einstein, “spooky action at a distance.”
  20. Smith & Wesson’s Wound Salt – A wound-worsening rub that adds just a little more sting to the enemy when you’re “rubbing it in.” Consumers rejected this exacerbating cream saying it just seemed to add “insult to injury.”
  21. Britta Portable Personal Hydration System – Too much of a good thing. While formerly parched consumers appreciated being fully hydrated 24/7, they complained the so-called “handy IV gurney” was unworkable while driving and its lines were always getting tangled up with the catheter bag: which was necessary to process the 5½ gallons of water the IV dripped into your system every day.
  22. 3M’s 80-Grit Toilet Paper – Maybe it served its purpose for the first wipe, but after that it just irritated people.
  23. SONY No Screen TVs – All the sound, tuning and clarity of a regular TV, but without the visual screen. Buyers were bewildered, “So did I just buy a radio?”
  24. Clairol Same Shade Hair Color – None of the contrast with none of the highlights. Consumers found this dye, not to die for.
  25. Sarasota Avionics Blackout Windshield Cover – This road blocking screen gave wannabe pilots the opportunity to drive under the canopy just like a real airline pilot encountering IFR conditions. However, even with the periscope option, this visually limiting driving aid generated excessive litigation and was pulled from the market.

Someone’s Gotta Do This. And I Am that Someone.

A Pandora’s Box of temptations? Pearls of Wisdom from a cultured oyster? English expressions of ephemeral ideas? A disgorgement of mental freneticism? A Hobson’s Choice to be sure.

It is often said that to lead a happy life you should, “Dance like nobody’s watching.” I get that. But with a twist. What brings me joy is to, “Write like nobody’s reading.” And based upon my Google Analytics of late, that statement has never been truer. There’s no denying what brings us joy. The heart wants what the heart wants.

So as I bathe myself in literary pixie dust in preparation for a writer’s journey into rapture, I find myself in my element. I’ve got my backlit keyboard, my predatory imagination and I’ve just cracked open a fresh ginger-hibiscus kombucha. I’m not only in my element, I’ve become an element: Hardimanium – a rare psychoactive literary element consisting of all Higgs bosons and a knowing smirk.

Now as I gently loosen the tethers mooring me to conventional and unspectacular wisdom, I feel the motivating presence of a million eyes not reading this. Such exquisite freedom. My gatekeepers have been put on administrative leave and in their absence no bureaucratic censor exists to burden my thoughts. The swirling excesses of my cerebral vortices are tamed only by the limits of the English language. 

Yes, it’s the perfect literary storm and the NWS (No, not the National Weather Service, but the Narcotized Writers’ Sanctuary) is calling for a lacerating Category 5 hurricane once the literary storm travels up your optic nerve and saturates your consciousness. But please don’t evacuate yourself just yet. I promise to keep you securely within the eye of Hurricane David, at an observationally safe distance from its high-velocity humor and killer premises. You might get a little wet, but that’s only in keeping with the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who mused so eloquently: “Into each life some rain must fall.”

I thank you for the absence of your presence. How else can I write so uninhibitedly?

 

Cutting and Pasting My Inner Dialogue

What if the Pep Boys were Impressionists and not Auto Parts bobble heads? Instead of Manny, Moe and Jack, they’d be Manet, Monet and Jacques.

 

Are there boats that ship dead people to ports of final call? And if so, would that ship be a place where corpses are berthed? Cuz I would think it would be pretty difficult to berth a corpse…I mean the gestation period alone.

 

Amazing Feet: Marathoner wins race 7 years running.  

 

So I guess “new train smell” is just something I’ll never experience.

 

Things not often thought about: At the height of his popularity Elvis was drafted into the Army. And he actually had to go. No dispensation for the King of Rock & Roll. Can anyone imagine Eminem or Jay-Z having had to serve a 2 year hitch in the Army? “Nope, I’m sorry Mr. Mathers you’ll need to guard an ammo dump at Fort Benning for a couple of years.” Or…”Tough luck Shawn Carter, these potatoes won’t peel themselves here at Camp Granada.”   

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A Car Divided Against Itself Cannot Sell,

But a Car Appealing to our Hidden Prejudices Just Might.

 

These Are the Cars That Drive Men’s Souls

If you can’t halve your car both ways, why not have it one way. Automobile manufacturers understand your need to express with excess.

With the advent of social media, a clear-eyed discussion of the pressing issues of the day has been reduced to flame-throwing snarky comments at those you disagree with. These curdles of wisdom are also known as memes. Memes as in: Me, me, me, me, me, me, memes! . This scorched Earth policy leaves little room for conciliation and plenty of room for righteous indignation. The once deep reservoir of societal collegiality has been drained from the body politic leaving its citizens parched and petulant.

 

Not to worry however because this corrosive dynamic will be obliterated when polemicists of all stripes depart this surly world and pass through that transcendent tunnel of purifying white light you hear about from people who’ve returned from NDEs (Near Death Experiences). These briefly deceased trailblazers will tell you they can’t describe the rapturous splendor awaiting you, but if they could convey anything it’s that we’re all one in God and all this fussing and fighting serves no one. This is not some “Kum-bi-ya” moment for the nearly dead, but rather a “How did I forget that?” moment for the recently returned. Of course this does no one any good if they realize the greater reality when they’re on the other side and can’t tangibly express it when they return to their bodies. At least it’s comforting to know that it is our destiny to have our prejudices, self-image and core values all scrubbed clean by the astringent lather of eternal truth.

 

If learning the truth requires a cessation of earthly distractions then so be it. I just wish it took something less dramatic for us to recall our truer natures. Perhaps if people could have these epiphanies without dying. Maybe, like the aforementioned near death experience. Yeah, that’s it! An NDE – a Near Death Experience. I mean a near death experience never killed anybody – that’s how it got its name in the first place. It’s only near death, and not the actual death itself. That’s the long and hopeful view anyway. But as long as we’re 7 billion fussy people on Earth with wrongs to be righted, it’s a different story.

 

A story car marketers haven’t turned a blind eye to. So in keeping with our thinly-educated citizenry happy to revel in the one-dimensional smugness of what they’ve just cut & pasted on social media, automobile manufacturers have begun to target market their models not only to practical considerations, but also to political considerations. And in catering to these political views the new models have become decidedly tendentious as manufacturers accentuate the vehicular divide. These models may need a realignment soon because currently these politicars are made to crab either too far left or too far right. Some parents like to start their children out early in these biased models; similarly to how they might use corrective shoes to get their children to walk straight – except in this case it’s to steer them left or right.

 

For example, the new Ford Polarity proves that a car divided against itself can drive. It comes in 2 niche-marketed models: The all-new Ford Snowflake – very big in California. And its sister stablemate the brawny new Ford Extremist – makes a Hummer look like a Mini Cooper. These 2 new models promise to satisfy the left and the right while simultaneously irritating both.

 

The Ford Snowflake features a selectable horn option that blows very, very softly and says, “Pardon me, but could you please be more considerate. I mean both specifically in this traffic situation and generally in society?” It’s an apologetic mouthful, but what else would you expect from a Snowflake? Standard bumper stickers read:

  1. I Brake For Immigrants
  2. I Don’t See Color
  3. I Tolerate Everybody But Those Ignoramuses.

 

Sold way over on the right side of the sales floor is the Ford Extremist. Its horn whistles Dixie when blown and its bumper stickers read:

  1. If Catapults are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Catapults
  2. This Truck Ain’t Got No Cup Holders, But It Does Have Beer Holders
  3. I Like Things Just The Way I Imagine Them To Be.

 

With Ford segmenting the market politically, other manufacturers are following suit. Other politicars in various stages of production include:

 

  1. The 2018 Kate Upton – Finally a model we can all agree on
  2. Pontiac Partisan – You’ll never cross the center divide again in this model
  3. Ford Compromise – The only car whose best performance is in neutral
  4. Ford Zion – Runs on chutzpah and unleaded chutzpah. All gauges are read right to left and instead of a sunroof it comes with a little yarmulke on top. And yes, you can only buy it wholesale.
  5. Lexus Libtard – For the well-educated male and limousine liberal who bristles at the inequities of life and donates generously to food banks and women’s shelters alike; all the while he’s pressing his 28 year-old single mom secretary for sex. This vehicle is also badged under the Hyundai Hypocrisy and is nicknamed the Charlie Rose
  6. Hummer RWNJ – Runs on gumption and unexamined motives. A self-driving version was scrapped because it continually pulled to the right. Its hood ornament doubles as a bullhorn and its BOSE sound system is actually an echo chamber so the driver’s beliefs are continuously reinforced while motoring. When the GPS “Home” button is pressed the RWNJ routes you directly to NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.
  7. Deep State Dodge – Similar to their Stealth, only much stealthier
  8. Toyota Tyrant – Runs on threats and intimidation. Hybrid version uses both narcissism and sociopathy as alternative fuels.
  9. Tesla Bipartisan – What else would you expect from the Muskinator but transcendence, integration and a higher calling – all in a zero carbon footprint vehicle. This is a car with that visionary thing that looks beyond petty squabbles and intractable anxieties. Also comes in a Prozac version.

 

It is with abundant glee and unbridled something-er-other I celebrate the inanity and sweetness of life as suggested in this apocryphal marketing expose. If I focus on just the mean-spiritedness of life, it would drive me crazy and writing this satirical piece is how I like to be driven.

Gastronomic Judicial Proceedings

The Supreme Food Court at the CIA (The Culinary Institute of America) has a full menu of cases this session. They include the following noteworthy disputes and their abstracts:

When gastronomic disputes arise, the CIA proves that although justice may be blind, it doesn’t have to be tasteless.

  1. Kevin Bacon v. Meat Loaf – Case to decide who’s the Alpha Carnivore
  2. Pringles v. United States Sawdust Corporation – A case in which US Sawdust seeks recompense or at least some credit for providing half of the ingredients in Pringles “Potato” Chips.
  3. Mr. Coffee v. Mrs. Butterworth – One glorious night of frolicking on the kitchen counter between a sweetly seductive Mrs. Butterworth and a highly caffeinated Mr. Coffee led to the birth of their little Baby Ruth. The question now arises: Who’s going to pay for Baby Ruth’s support? Until the case is resolved Baby Ruth has been placed in the temporary custody of Aunt Jemima – which in this case is located on the 2nd shelf of the cabinet nearest the sink.
  4. Venus Fly Trap v. Flies – Should be an open and shut case
  5. Yam v. Sweet Potato – Case to decide if they’re the same vegetable – you never see them in the same produce section at the same time. The court expects Plant Psychologists to give expert testimony on schizophrenia in root vegetables.
  6. Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano Cookies v. Alyssa Milano – Pepperidge Farms alleges “Unconscious copyright infringement” on the part of Ms. Milano. In order to eliminate further confusion between its cookie and Ms. Milano, Pepperidge Farm seeks to compel Ms. Milano to rename herself either Alyssa Marzipan or Alyssa Xanthan Gum. Ms. Milano’s is reluctant to comply stating, “Who’s the boss?” Tony Danza has filed a friend of the court brief stating: “I speak for millions of Americans when I say that there is no confusion here. If you put the two of them side by side there’s only one of them you’d want to eat.”
  7. The Estate of Clarence Birdseye v. The People of the United States – The estate of Clarence Birdseye contends that the idea of freezing ffood or future consumption was theirs and theirs alone. Consequently they seek redress in the form of a 1¢ royalty on all food items frozen after 1953. Critics believe the case doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Birdseye lawyers claim it does have a snowball’s chance in a freezer.
  8. Faberge Eggs v. Egg Beaters – Faberge Eggs believes the existence of Egg Beaters is an affront to all hard-shelled ova everywhere.  Faberge wonders why marauding gangs of Egg Beaters are still allowed to roam the dairy case with impunity as they wantonly crack shells and otherwise beat up on their oval brethren is an outrage. They find this brand of “egg on egg” violence unacceptable. “These are not good eggs,” says an attorney for the firm of Humpty and Dumpty. Faberge Eggs seek redress in the form of having all Egg Beaters confined to their cartons until breakfast time, when they’ll have their contents poured onto a skillet and fried rigid till they’re no longer a threat to anyone. In its defense, Egg Beaters lamented, “It’s not the way we’d choose to behave, it’s just the way General Foods makes us.”
  9. Pillsbury Toaster Strudel v. Kellogg’s Pop Tarts – Convenience breakfast food turf battle heats up as Pop Tarts assert its claim as the original toaster pastry. Toaster Strudel’s attorneys intend employ the nuclear option and play the “Eggo Waffle card” if Pop Tarts maintain its exclusive right to dub itself the one and only original toaster pastry. Counsel for Toaster Strudel are incredulous at Pop Tarts duplicity – i.e., “How can Pop Tarts honestly maintain they hold exclusive rights to the ‘toaster pastry’ name when their own company manufactures a similar product – the Eggo Toaster Waffle? It seems Pop Tarts wants to have their waffle and eat it too. We say never. We say Leggo my Eggo.”
  10. Honda v. Hyundai (I know not food related, but it was the only court date they could get)
  11. Benadryl v. Peanut Farmers of America – Benadryl seeks to neutralize Peanut Farmers’ effort to impose their legumes on an unsuspecting public. Thus far the Peanut Farmers’ lawyers have been tentative in coming out of their shells.
  12. Parsnip v. Turnip – This case is being closely watched by the Dirt Farmers of Appalachia, that will determine which tuber possesses the more bodacious ta-tas. This landmark ruling will decide once and forever whether a Parsnip or a Turnip has the best nips. The winner gets the tuber concession at Dollywood.
  13. Margarine v. Butter – Margarine seeks a cease and desist order against Butter’s derogatory assertion that: If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon.
  14. Darryl Strawberry v. Halle Berry – Case is being watched berry, berry closely.

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche is, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

And You Thought Food Courts Were Just Places Where Hungry Mall Shoppers Ate

Food Court Rulings 2018: Case Histories

A lot goes on behind the scenes at Food Courts. Everything from deliveries to deliberations: Food Courts ensure franchises are obeying the Rule of Gnaw.

 

World Food Court at The Hague

Mrs. Dalrymple vs Gerber Baby Food

Mrs. Dalrymple complained her baby’s strained peas were too chunky.

The World Food Court found in favor of Mrs. D. agreeing that indeed the peas were too chunky. To remedy the defect, the Food Court issued Gerber a restraining order.

 

Mall of America Food Court vs KFC

Mall of America Food Court found Kentucky Fried Chicken guilty of frequent and regular battery of its fried chicken. Exasperated KFC’s lawyers responded by asking the food court, “How else are we supposed to coat the damn birds if we can’t batter them?” Mall of America Food Court was unswayed by the argument and ordered KFC to pay $1 million to fund a Home for Battered Chicken.

 

Boise Food Court vs MacDonald’s Restaurant Corporation

Boise Food Court accused MacDonald’s of perpetrating repeated a salt on its French Fries. MacDonald’s contends the sodium-enhancing act was consensual and essential to the flavor of its deep-fried spuds. Boise Food Court disagreed and issued a No So Dium Order of Cessation.

 

Sarasota Food Court vs Minute Maid Orange Juice

Sarasota Food Court found Minute Maid Orange Juice’s pulp very thinly scattered and generally unfocused. As a remedy the Sarasota Food Court required that Minute Maid Orange Juice concentrate. 

 

Talladega Race Track Food Court vs The Milk Advisory Board

The City Fathers of Talladega requested the Milk Advisory Board to change the labeling on their cartons from Homogenized Milk to Heterogenized Milk. They cited a citizenry “uncomfortable” drinking from anything with the word “Homo” on it.

The Milk Advisory Board summarily refused the remedy claiming the Talladega Food Court was acting lactose intolerantly.

 

Milwaukee County Stadium Food Court vs Miller Brewing Company

Issued an injunction barring Miller Brewing Company from referring to its calorie-reduced beer as “Lite.” Milwaukee Food Court required Miller to call this diluted beer what it really is: Diet Beer. “What’s next,” Miller’s lawyers complained, “making it a requirement to pronounce each letter in the name ‘Worcestershire Sauce’?”

 

Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream

In the case of Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, the Food Court held that Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream’s in-stadium advertising claim that “You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream,” was extravagant, fatuous and irredeemably self-serving – even though the ice cream itself was not self-serve (a legally semantic thicket).

After Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream pleaded nolo contendre to overstating their case of patrons “screaming” for ice cream, the Court required Haagen-Dazs to tone themselves down. Specifically the remedy barred Haagen-Dazs from claiming anything more than “Ice cream is a desirable treat that perhaps many, but not all enjoy. And although consumers of the frozen confection might request it in a voluble manner, rarely is it ordered while screaming.”

Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream is appealing the ruling to a higher court: The Court of Public Opinion.

 

Dessert

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche was, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.