davidhardiman.com

When the Big Picture is Just Too Big  

Never judge a deep space telescope by its clunky cover. Be it ever so humble – the Hubble.

The universe, which is vast, has taken on new dimensions thanks to unwelcomed discoveries from that meddling Hubble Telescope. Just when I was getting comfortable with my place in the 200 billion galaxy cosmos, the Hubble discovers that it’s 10 times larger than originally thought, thereby making me 10 times smaller – thanks a lot Hubble ass-tronomers. Could you make a guy feel any more insignificant?

 

 

A galaxy is defined as a localized cluster of stars numbering between a few hundred million (108) stars to one hundred trillion (1014) stars, each orbiting its galaxy’s center. That’s almost as many stars as Adam saw when he first laid eyes on that forbidden fruit known as Eve. Most galaxies are 3,000 to 300,000 LY (light years) in diameter (about the same diameter as Charles Barkley). Galaxies are separated by distances on the order of millions of light years from each other (about the same emotional distance between Atilla the Hun and his estranged son Caitlyn the Hun). And because our immeasurable inky playpen is so crazily proportioned, I began this little essay with the understatement of the epoch: “The universe, which is vast…”

 

A 60-year-old 3rd Grader Discusses Light

Yes it’s real. Spiral Galaxy not spiraling out of control, but spiraling into control. Such is life.

By definition all discussion about light is illuminating. For example, a light photon is sometimes referred to as a wavicle because it possesses properties of both a wave and an icicle, I mean a particle. It travels at 186,000 miles per second – unless it’s in a construction zone, in which case it slows down to posted speed limits in order to avoid the double penalties. But for the life of me I don’t know why the photon would “play nice” and slow down to avoid a ticket – I mean who’s going to catch it? In theory nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, but I once saw a zebra sprinting at 186,001 miles per second. It’s true. Of course, at the time, the zebra was being chased by a lion doing 186,000 mps. Motivation is where you find it.

 

But these alphanumeric hieroglyphs I produce with droll ardency cannot touch the absolute enormity of the cosmos. To get some sense of its outlandish proportions one has to approach it with a measure of humor and unorthodox comparisons. For a down to earth, intergalactic comparison (love the mixed metaphor), our Milky Way has a diameter of at least 100,000LY. It is separated from its nearest galactic neighbor, the Andromeda Galaxy, by 2.5 million LY. To put this in perspective, 2.5 million LY is almost as far as PBS’s Rick Steves traveled in 2010. There’s a lot of vacant acreage out there in space just screaming to be developed. Of course no one hears those silent screams because in space there’s only the sound of silence. That might not be totally correct. I think Einstein, Goddard and Elon Musk have all heard the siren call of the eternal cosmic voice – Giuliani, Weinstein and Heinrich Himmler, not so much. Read the rest of this entry »

New Netflix Cop Shows Reviewed

  1. Law and Order LGBTQ: The show is very complicated. No one can seem to keep it straight.

 

  1. NYPD Bleu: New York’s finest fight crime in Paris. As you’d expect, NYPD Bleu is kind of cheesy. NYPD Bleu is recommended for viewers fromage 16 and up.

    That world weary look of $550K per episode.

 

  1. From the producers of Dragnet comes AquaNet – a police drama made especially for women with unmanageable hair. AquaNet takes a deep dive into the murky waters of criminality. Perpetrators are pulled from the water looking like drowned rats while the lady cops who collared them emerge with perfectly coiffed hair.

 

  1. From the producers of Adam-12 comes Eve-13, another law-enforcement show just for women: At first they were just ribbing the makers of Adam-12 to allow for a spin-off, and eventually Eve-13 was created from Adam’s ribbing. Adam-12 & Eve-13 are often shown back to back, although they’re usually found in the Missionary position. Either way it’s awfully sinful.

 

  1. Bobbies: A very English cop show where the city of Staffordshire only hires constables named Robert. In this way all the Bobbies are Bobby’s. Where’s a Bobby when you need one? – in the Staffordshire Police Dept.

 

  1. From the makers of Reno 9-1-1 comes Reno 4-1-1 – This show blows the lid off the steamy underworld of Directory Assistance Operators…and the men who love them. Some watch it and say, “More information please.” Others watch and say, “Whoa, TMI.”

 

  1. The Po-po in NOLA: A New Orleans-based crime drama where the Lou-siana po-po eat po’ boy while policing. Rogue officers are accused of locking-up criminals in Cajuns. This is considered a Creole and Unusual punishment. Many viewers feel like they’ve seen this show before saying, “Beignet, done that.”

 

  1. A new take on prison life is called Mechanical Fasteners in the Prison Workshop: This show is riveting – literally.

 

  1. Ford Explorer SUV: Not really a cop show. Just an infomercial for the venerable Ford Explorer Sport Utility Vehicle. Many dyslexics mistake the title Law and Order: SVU for Ford Explorer SUV.

 

  1. Placebo Police: Actors pretending to be police, fight and defeat criminals but only because the criminals believe the Police are real.

 

  1. Who Stole My Stoll?: First World crime problems for wealthy victims. The original title was Who Scarfed My Scarf

 

  1. Francis Ford’s Cop-ola: The crime-infested town of Corleone, Italy hires the mafia to run its police dept. In 1 week the crime rate drops to zero. Original title: A-cop-alypse Now!

 

 

How Do You Like Them Apples?

Apples: The ultimate Variety Show.

A Variety of Apple Varieties

  1. Red Delicious – Very American
  2. Bloody Delicious – Very English
  3. Rome Beauty – Known as the Sophia Loren apple. Curvy and sweet.
  4. Johnny Rottenseed – English Punk Apple
  5. LGBT Cutie – They say one bite of this forbidden fruit and you’ll never go back. Great apple, but it’s kinda hard to breed.
  6. Golden Delicious – An American favorite
  7. Brown and Not-so-Delicious – A prison favorite (actually a Golden Delicious that didn’t sell at the supermarket)
  8. Fuji – Popularity is skyrocketing
  9. Emoji – Popularity is 🚀
  10. Pippin – A popular apple and musical. They almost produce the same thing: One generates applesauce, the other applause. Appleplause.
  11. Macintosh – 32 bytes in every Apple
  12. Gravenstein – Tomb in a tankard, the grave-in-stein apple is an IPA craft fruit
  13. Granny Smith – Crisp and tart
  14. Mealy Smith – Soft and bland. People with dentures swear by them or at least near them.
  15. Vermont Black – A now extinct variety. It seems there are no longer any Blacks left in Vermont.
  16. Pink Lady – Flavorful and sweet
  17. Pink Ladyboy – Popular in San Francisco. Very Fruity. Also flavorful and sweet.
  18. Dark Lady – A favorite of Cher. ♫Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one♫
  19. That Ain’t No Lady, That’s My Wife – Henny Youngman helped to develop this apple
  20. Fat Man – Atomically delicious. It’s the only apple that has a half-life.
  21. Apple Corps – What’s a list without a Beatle reference?
  22. Gala – A Gala day keeps the doctor away. A gal a day is plenty for me.

 

Dave Courts Public Approval?

• The court found Swanson’s TV Dinners inedible, so they issued Swanson’s a gag order.

Hey, TVs have to eat too.

• The court also found Gerber’s strained peas to be too chunky, so they issued Gerber a Restraining Order.
• Litigious Indians? The Sioux sue Sue Bee Honey for not being sweet enough. They said it was “a salt.”
• And now dear reader, I’m told I have to stop this. Jurists insist I cease and desist this list. You get my gist?

Earth Census Completed. Workers Dan & Jill Discuss the Results.

Dan: We finally finished counting all the terrestrials on earth and the numbers just don’t add up.

Jill: How’s that?

Dan: Well, there were a few extra.

Jill: Extra-terrestrials?

Dan: Yup.

Jill: So strange to think you’d find extra-terrestrials right here on earth.

Dan: Yeah I know. The idea of extra-terrestrials is so alien to me.

Jill: Me too. Sometimes counting people just doesn’t make census.

Nothing of Importance (here’s proof)

  1. Most popular machine at health clubs: The time machine. It takes years off your waist.
  2. A wage slave living from Pay Day Loan to Pay Day Loan says they have, “Great interest in him.”
  3. Prosthesis Magazine article: Amputee Plans Afoot
  4. Uncreative designer is said to be “Staid of the Art”
  5. Harvard History Department wants to “Have archaic and eat it too”
  6. That restaurant is a tough place. The coat check girl’s name is Bruno.
  7. Unruly lawn brought to Madame Wong’s Tips & Toes for tidying. It’s now a beautifully manicured lawn.
  8. Pamplona, Spain is now sponsoring the Running of the Mascara. It’s so sad.
  9. He’s so semantically aware, he’s been cut by sharp cheddar, rapier wits and pointed arguments
  10. Fear of driving through a passageway with coworkers is called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
  11. Overheard at a bowlers convention, “Yeah, I’m getting my ball drilled Tuesday.” “Interesting, that’s the same day I’m getting mine buffed.”
  12. Have you seen any fascists rolling 5 dice? No. I did not see a Nazi playing Yahtzee.
  13. My favorite fetishistic fantasization is polysyllabic alliteration
  14. Mature landscaping growing weary of immature landscaping in nearby development: “Gees, it’s out all night and won’t leaf us alone. Especially that Fraxinus. It’s such a pain in the ash. Oh well, life’s a birch.”
  15. Lament of the amnesiac whose PC won’t load any more software: “Now I remember. I forgot to buy memory.”
  16. I bet my Personal Injury attorney can beat up your Personal Injury attorney

Hardiman Just Doesn’t Understand Women

  • Until recently he thought Angina was a heart ailment only women suffered from

 

  • Until recently he thought a Vulva was a very safe Swedish car.

 

  • Until recently he thought a Menstrual Cycle was something schoolgirls rode from period to period

 

  • Until recently he thought a Clitoral Hood was a place where very sensitive people hung out

 

  • Until recently he thought Labia Minora and Labia Majora were constellations

 

  • Until recently he thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman. The O-zone.

 

  • Until recently he discovered people were actually saying “At your service ma’am.” when all along he thought they were saying “At your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Hymen was a greeting you might say to a bunch of workmen you’re walking by

 

  • Until recently he thought Urethra was the first name of the Queen of Soul. Urethra Franklin

 

  • Until recently he thought FallopianTube was a video-sharing service for women

 

  • Until recently he thought a Tipped Uterus was a gratuity given to a womb that provided really great cervix. “Thank you for your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Clitoris was a breath freshening chewing gum. Wrong. It was Clorets. The guy must be suffering from Cloret’s Syndrome.

 

  • Until recently he thought Estrogen was a citizen of Estrogenia

 

  • Until recently he thought a Hysterectomy was when you removed the laugh track from a sitcom

 

  • Until recently he thought an Ovary was that little accent mark atop the letter é. An over é. 

 

I’m not convinced Mr. Hardiman is even trying to clarify these misapprehensions. Sometimes I think he just pays them lip service. Meanwhile, for some reason, he refuses to eat at any Black Angus restaurant.

 

These Lists Seek Me Out. I’m Not Responsible for Their Content.

  1. Invisible people are so arrogant. They completely ignore me, so I just act like they’re not there.  
  2. I always thought angina was a heart ailment only women could get
  3. When someone in Vincent van Gogh’s family dies, are they referred to as Van Gone or Van Went
  4. Victoria Secret is being sued in a case of the Negligent Negligee whereby Victoria Secret’s lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
  5. “Anything new?”
    “Nope. You?”
    “Nope.”

    Since Cincinnati has no synonym for cinnamon, some assume Cinnabon is simply sinful.

  6. An antonym for Anthony is Untony. Untony and Cleopatra – because opposites attract.
  7. People always talk about round numbers, but 0 is the only round number and it isn’t even a number and it isn’t even round. It’s an ellipse. Lips are an ellipse. A Sideway ellipse. Thounds like I’m lithping.
  8. Uncelebrated non-coincidences: Steve Martin and I have birthdays on different dates. Same with me and Jesus. No biggie.
  9. You crazy.///No, you crazy.
  10. Is a high knap blanket better than a high nap blanket?
  11. Enamel paint has made such a difference and yet nobody wants to talk about it
  12. You cray cray./// No you color with Crayola crayons
  13. What’s the plural of plural – plurals? If you strung them together would you have a plural necklace. I have 2 plural necklaces.
  14. I’ve given people plenty of Wedgies. Iceberg Wedge Salads that is. How I ever got them to fit in their ass crack I’ll never know, but that’s half the fun.
  15. I’m not sure if I like concepts or just the idea of concepts.
  16. Granite countertops have given purpose to so many people and you can’t take that for granite.
  17. No really, you nutty, you off the wall son./// OK, I guess that makes me a Walnut. So shell me.
  18. Stone fruit rocks./// No, it’s the pits.
  19. Leave us readers alone./// No, the ideas…they’re coming from inside my head. I’m not scared, I’m just letting them out
  20. And now a moment of silence for Kleenex and all it does for us with nary a complaint. Thank you martyred non-racial facial tissue. I kiss you and spew a slew of goo into your tissue. Quite the issue. Tis me or tis you? Probably tissue.
  21. If there was an elephant in the room, everyone, and I mean everyone, would be talking about it.

My Letter to the New York Times

after drinking way too much moonshine Kombucha. It’s in response to an article and video about Sarah Silverman Guest Hosting the Jimmy Kimmel Show and the letter goes like this – to the letter:

 

Hey NYT. Fit this to print,

My belligerency quotient is rising, but don’t worry. I’m still lovable.

I’ve been, for reasons unknown to me (and maybe it’s the kombucha talkin’), a little predisposed against Sarah Silverman. Maybe it’s her whoopsie-daisy tartness (a borrowed line). But I now find her funny, witty, present and confidently reactive – a thoroughly Modern Millie. Good for me. Wow, I can reassess and enjoy something I previously did not. Tremendous personal growth on my part. I’m to be congratulated, he said, soaking in the adulation from himself.

That Jimmy Kimmel allows guest hosts (and by an ex to boot) is a tribute to the show and his self-confidence in himself (if it’s in himself I guess that’s why they call it “self” confidence). It’s like the olden days when Johnny Carson had guest hosts so you could sample other entertainers. Feeling uninhibited and acting self-consciously is the best combination, don’t you think?

Based on this video. I’ll be taping the rest of her shows. I know, I said taping and not recording. SS is giving me a contact funny. She’s like a Gummy Silverman. Oh, how I love this world and everything in it, that I can afford. I just gotta say though, how things would be different if Ariana Grande was Venti. She’d be a Tall drink of coffee then.

So much more to say. You don’t need to hear it though. Alright. OK one more thiing (I know I misspelled “thing”); I actually made money from a Nigerian prince who was trying to scam me. Say my name Prince Djibouti.

And finally, I’d like to thank Pfizer pfor pfostering epffective farmaceuticals. And I know I spelled farmaceuticals wrong.

 

Best Moonshine Kombucha Ever,

David Silverman (no relashun) and I know I spelled somethang wrong, but I don’t care write now Mr. New York Times.

[ps: I really did send this to the NYTs]

 

 

YOUTUBE.COM

Guest Host Sarah Silverman on Giuliani Joining Cameo, Bad News for White People & Who’s Jewish!?

Sarah Silverman steps in as guest

 

 

 Class Action Lawsuits on the Docket

The People of America versus

  1. The People of America v. Victoria’s Secret – A case of the negligent negligee whereby Victoria’s Secret lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
  2. Has justice always been blind? Nope. Not since they invented money.

    The People of America v. Clumping Kitty Litter – Victims allege their lungs clumped-up and seized after cumulatively inhaling too much of the amalgamating litter dust when cleaning the box. The litter industry tried issuing protective masks, but the mask mandate was ruled illegal in Texas, where the governor said “There’s no proof where the clumping cat litter came from…could be China.” No word whether felines will launch a Cat Action Lawsuit. The entire affair is a catastrophe.

  3. The People of America v. God – For being an overly permissive parent. The people accuse him of making a mockery of personal responsibility by not charging for Free Will. Plaintiffs hope to compel God to charge a fee for Free Will, so people have to pay for their mistakes before they make them.
  4. The People of America v. Jeff Bezos – God himself is actually suing Mr. Bezos for having more money than he does. It seems God doesn’t want the humorous comparison to now be “<insert name here> has got more money than Bezos.” He just wants a little income redistribution and for that humorous comparison to be returned to “<insert name here> has got more money than God.” My opinion is maybe he should’ve thought about that before he tried to make himself popular by handing out Free Will. It’s like the guy was trying to be worshipped or something.
  5. The People of America v. Costco – Sue them? Never. The American public proposes to shower them with even more money so they can make their Big Box Stores Bigger and Boxier.
  6. The People of America v. Grub Hub/Uber Eats – Really. You need a hot meal delivered to your door at 4Xs the cost of making it? Unless you’re sick or something people should not have meals delivered at a frequency of more than once a month. How do they propose to stop these food deliveries? What else – a gag order.  
  7. The People of America v. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Discovery+, Paramount Plus, Disney +. Apple TV+, HBO Max, Peacock, Regularcock and All of the Other 3 million Streaming Services – Henceforth their shall be only ONE consolidated streaming service we all belong to, with no add ons, no Pluses or + after it and one fee. It shall be called Obama Streaming and it shall become the most popular, mandatory Socialist entertainment platform ever devised. You don’t even have to pay for any of it till you’re 26. Exceptions will be made for Board Certified Urologists who may offer unlimited streaming services, but only as it relates to urination.
  8. The People of America v. The People of America – An ongoing struggle between the righteous and the wrongus. If we didn’t identify so strongly with our egos it wouldn’t be a problem. But what do I know? Up until last year I thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman.