davidhardiman.com

Fruit Noir: Stories from the Delinquent Produce Series

  1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
  2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
  3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
  4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
  5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
  6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
  7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
  8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
  9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
  10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
  11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
  12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

A Brief History of My Cremation

Let it be known that when I become irretrievably incapacitated, or worse, unable to operate my iPhone, I choose to be euthanized and then cremated – in that order. I don’t want any surprise cremation until I’m good and flatlined. And this is not some morbid fascination with the great beyond. It’s all part of a grand strategy where I come out the other side of my death bigger, better and more magnificent than when I went in. My unorthodox plan for my cremation could become very popular and might suggest a societal trend. Then again it might suggest I’m a lunatic. It’s not a question for me to decide. I’ll leave that to my court-appointed conservator to resolve. In any event, I bequeath to posterity my cremation plan for a post-David life. And if posterity refuses my plan, I’ll bestow it upon a more ambitious and can-do heir capable of executing my wishes – listening Bezos or Musk.  

 

Hawking’s cremains in hallowed Westminster Abbey

Revered astrophysicist Sir Stephen Hawking’s ashes are buried in Westminster Abbey between Isaac Newton’s body at rest and Charles Darwin’s non-evolving corpse. When you’re a genius it’s easy to keep good company. I don’t fit the genius category (except when it comes to my knowledge of Hogan’s Heroes) so for my final resting place I resolved to have my unknighted ashes scattered to the wind and leave it at that.

 

 

 

Quite the triumvirate

But Sir Stephen Hawking’s genius gave me another idea on how to venerate and perhaps even invigorate my lifeless ashes. Instead of having them strewn piously in some verdant meadow or scattered ceremoniously into one of our fine, welcoming oceans, I’d have my ashes compressed into an infinite singularity. An infinite singularity –  like the mighty primordial singularity from which the Big Bang boomed and all of creation sprang forth. Sir Stephen discusses infinite singularities in his monumental work A Brief History of Time. He describes this infinite singularity with unclouded professorial surety, but also in a manner that is completely impenetrable: “In the moment before the Big Bang, the universe is thought to have had zero size and so to have been infinitely hot.” Huh?

 

Now I don’t know what any of that means, or why one would follow the other – that is, why would a zero size universe (whatever that is) should be infinitely hot. But I’ll take it on faith that Mr. Hawking is on to something Big. Really Big. Amazon Prime big. So hitching the success of my afterlife to Sir Stephen’s luminous star seems like a good bet. More specifically, combining my quantum calculus with Sir Stephen’s theories, I believe that if my carboniferous ashes were compressed into an infinite singularity, my cremains would achieve Hawking’s vaunted “zero size and infinite heat.”

 

And don’t think this is some pie-in-the-sky idea. It’s more of a pi in the circumference idea I’ve thought through very carefully. The plan is to have my cremains launched toward each other at the speed of light in the 17 mile circumference loop of the LHC (Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland). The result of this collision would be the hyper-concentration of my cremains into an infinite singularity and would set the stage for a 2nd Big Bang. A 2nd Big Bang based on my cremains, whereby I might become the universe and permeate this new Davidverse with the unmistakable tang of my being. This isn’t about notions of legacy or immortality. It’s about us God sparklers retaking our rightful place in the Cosmos. Not just for me, but for everyone.

 

This new Davidverse would be a divine and accessible place where everyone would be cleansed by meteor showers. Where we wouldn’t need Intimacy Coordinators because we’d know just what to touch and when to touch it. Where never was heard a discouraging word and the skies were not cloudy all day. In this less formal Daveverse; napkin rings, finger bowls and grapefruit spoons would be optional. Other than to say, “Don’t play with matches,” you wouldn’t have to tip people any more. It would be a place where 2 additional hours of daylight would be available for busy people who complain, “There just aren’t enough hours in the day.” Guilt and depression will be so last week – so will 7 days ago. In this 2nd Big Bang universe, circumstances, predicaments and situations (which I believe are all about the same thing) will be replaced with a vitality of soul last seen when Bobby Sherman danced his way through an in-house milk commercial on Shindig. Bobby says not one word and exudes effortless energy drawn from some deep wellspring of joy we’d all do well to tap into.

 

I know. Becoming an infinite singularity is a Big Ask. Perhaps the biggest Ask ever. But what can I say? I’ve always been a big pain in the Ask.

 

THE END

 

 

Outtakes, Addenda and Bootleg Material from “A Brief History of My Cremation”

Now in the odd way I always have extra puzzle pieces leftover when I’m thru with a puzzle, I have extra material leftover from the above story A Brief History of My Creation. I’ll share this less cogent material with you below:

I don’t make the karmic laws, I just try to avoid them. 

Stephen Hawking’s son went into the underwear business and wrote a book called A Brief History of Briefs.

I’m sure in some parallel universe they’ll be a Stephen Hawking avatar who is an Astro-herbalist and writes a groundbreaking new book called A Brief History of Thyme.

Some people call it euthanasia because they want their suicide to feel more virtuous.

And don’t you find it odd that the pedestrian term “Big Bang” has been applied to something so mysteriously magnificent. I mean the transcendent ignition point to the universe – an event so ineffably awesome releasing untold energies and the beginning of time – and the best descriptive term scientists can apply to it is…”Well, it’s like a Big Bang.” One can only  imagine the Big Bang translated into other Languages:

    1. French: Le Grande Boom Boom
    2. Mexican: Habanero Supreme
    3. Ebonics: Boom Shaka Laka  
    4. Japanese: Boomzilla or Shibumi
    5. Esperanto:   Bam Bam Pebbles
    6. New Age: Cosmic Achoo
    7. Yiddish: Mazel Pop

Highly Specific (and possibly dubious) Charities

  1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
  2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
  3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
  4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”

    They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

  5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
  6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
  7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
  8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
  9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
  10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
  11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
  12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
  13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
  14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
  15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
  16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.

 

Lesser Known English Royalty – Parts I & II

God Save Everybody, but especially QEII

Part I

  1. Lady Calgon of Bath
  2. Lord Fishinchips
  3. Princess Caitlyn – Formerly the Earl of Bruce
  4. Catherine of Arrogant
  5. Jane of Cleavage
  6. Catherine of Kissage
  7. John Longfellow of Shrinkage
  8. Duchess Beatrice Higginsbottom of Titwhistle
  9. Lord Camby Fetlock of Derbyshire – Although a Fetlock, he was a real horse’s arse
  10. King Henry the Alligator – I know. Ridiculous, but when Parliament was looking for a new Monarch they decreed, “Bring us Henry the Alligator…and make it snappy.”

Part II

  1. Lord Hartwick Chamberpot of Bladderpool
  2. Briles “Bertie” Anspach of Stroke-upon-Head
  3. Dame Cynthia Natwick the MILF of Heavenscleft
  4. Sir Giles Dipshit of Pickwick – The Nitwit of Pickwick
  5. Sir Spencer Feckless – The Coward of the County
  6. Earl Earl Earlton of Earlton – Redundancy is his middle name (actually it’s Earl)
  7. Dame Margaret “Bootie” Riles of Pisspiddle
  8. Sir Randy Bottoms of Randy Bottoms
  9. Osgood Maggot – Lord of the Flies
  10. Sir Richard “Dickie” Twickencock – First Adjutant Martyr of the Royal Withstanders
  11. Mycroft Tweedmouth of Worcestershire (Worcestershire is pronounced “Hullabaloo”)
  12. Marquis of Queensbury – His rules rule
  13. Lord Mountbatten of Bat Mountain
  14. Sir Charles Vermin of Rottingham
  15. Dame Cecily Pissnipple of Hardpass
  16. Count Basie of Ellington
  17. Duke Ellington of Basie
  18. Colonel Sanders of Kent
  19. Duke Paisley Park – The Duke was formerly known as Prince
  20. Duchess Cordelia Drywall – Born Emily Plaster, she married the Duke of Drywall after he got plastered
  21. Princess Purrsalot of Cheshire – She’s the cat’s Meow
  22. Laird Matthew McConaughy – The Fifth Firth of Forth
  23. Lady Constance Always of Evermore – Left an enduring legacy
  24. Baron of Clothes
  25. Count of Hands
  26. Duke of Patty
  27. Duke of Kale – the Plant-based alternative to the Duke of Patty
  28. Queen Elton John
  29. R2D2 – Queen of Bots
  30. Bluddy Hackett – A Noted Court Jester
  31. Sir Penzasword – The 1st part of his name is mightier than the 2nd part of his name
  32. Damn Judi Dench – Mother of Dame Judi Dench
  33. Dame Edna Pantaloons of Cavendish – Known as the craven dish from Cavendish
  34. Lord Gloomypants of Prozac Prospect
  35. Sir Thinxalot – A smart & cunning royal who some say was the inspiration for a Dr. Seuss character
  36. Sir Dumasdirt – Much beloved, but couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel
  37. Sir Reginald Bolus of Excrement
  38. Lady Winifred Butterscotch of Scoopage
  39. Lady Prudence Digby of Rigglesworth (of the Northumberland Rigglesworths’)
  40. Lord Albumen of Egg – Descended of the Egg Yorks
  41. Sir Thomas Libertine of Taint-upon-Arse
  42. Earl of Appalachia – Yeah, that Earl
  43. Lady Muffet of Tuffet – She had a way with whey
  44. Dam Eloise of Ipswich – Not a Dame but an actual Dam named Eloise in Ipswich
  45. Penelope Faithful of Reliance – May have dated Keith Richards
  46. Lady Prunella of Nutella
  47. Niles “Whitey” Heathcliff of Fluffernutter
  48. Astrid Ascot of Crackage
  49. Thurston Howell III – a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour
  50. Lady Douche – Born Summers Eve
  51. William the Constipated – A real tight ass
  52. Jane Seymour – The Exhibitionist
  53. Jane Seeless – The Prude
  54. Henry the Ate – Eviler twin of Henry the 8th. Defying the Pope, Henry the Ate legalized cannibalism and ate six of his wives.
  55. Earl of Sandwich
  56. Earl of Manwich
  57. Duke of Sloppy Joes
  58. Cleopatra Jones – Quentin Tarantino’s favorite Royal
  59. Earl of Pearl’s Mom – More commonly known as Mother of Pearl
  60. Henry the Abdicator – Crowned King on 3 separate occasions, but he abandoned the throne each time
  61. Richard the Lyinhearted – Wrong lion. This fibbing Monarch simply could not tell the truth
  62. Lord Pigsford of Hammingham
  63. King Harry the Ejaculator – Best to stand to the side of him
  64. Lady Ovary of a Certain Age – Lives in West Eggless
  65. Teh Dkue of Dyslexia
  66. Prince Charles – The Prince of Wales
  67. Prince Harry Styles – The Prince of Wails
  68. Prince Greenpeace – The Prince of Whales
  69. Sire Sanford Smitch of Suffern Succotash
  70. Lord Marlboro of Emphysema – Always joked, “What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?”
  71. Jacques Cousteau – The Dauphin of Dolphins

Under Appreciated Tourist Attractions (and for good reasons)

  1. South Pole – It’s all there: The Tomb of the Unknown Penguin, Madame Tussaud’s Ice Museum and Roald Amundsen’s Craft Beer Emporium
  2. North Pole – It’s all there: Pole Dancing Nightly (which at the North Pole lasts continuously from October to March). Visit Santa’s Workshop or Martha Stewart’s sweatshop.]
  3. The Museum of Communicable Diseases – They’re all there: COVIDS 1-19, Pink Eye and Mono (also available in Stereo). Mask wearing is vigorously prohibited.
  4. AmishLand Amusement Park – It’s all there: Purpose-driven Whittling, Wet Bonnet Contests and Barn Lowering (Not all barns are made to be raised. Sometimes they have to be lowered)
  5. Lego Pyramids at Giza Reproduction – Faithfully built to 1:32 scale using real Lego pieces, it’s as much a waste of time and resources as the original pyramids. I think it sphinx, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure there are 3 sides to this story.

    To vacate, perchance to go on holiday – Bill S quoted from As You Like It

  6. Syracuse, NY Fire Station #9. Two Light Bulb Attractions in one bulb. What a great idea:
    • The World’s Shortest Burning Light Bulb – First lit on April 3, 1972 it flashed for a barely perceptible half a nanosecond and has been dark for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of brevity and marvel, “Will you look at that. Just one fleeting flash – oh, when one thinks what might have been.”
    • The World’s Longest Unlit Light Bulb – After that same light bulb went out on April 3, 1972 it has remained screwed in, powered up and unlit for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of darkness and marvel, “Will you look at that – it’s still off.” Hopeful bulbers hold vigil for its return to illumination – probably just needs to be jostled.
  7. The Gobi Desert – It’s all not there: sand, gravity, sand, air, sand, daytime, sand and nighttime. It’s like a great, uncrowded beach, but without water. The bonus part is it’s in Mongolia, so the barbecue is fantastic. And in an effort to promote tourism, the Mongolian government (whatever that is) doesn’t even require a visa. You can just show up. Zen Travel Guide gives it 0 Stars and yet also 5 Stars. Go figure.
  8. The Equator – GPS tells you how close you are, “Warm…warmer…Warmer…HOT, HOT…You have arrived.” Remember, it’s not an Imaginary Line if you believe in it.
  9. Game of Thrones Oat Maze – Like a corn maze, but only about 2 feet high. Fun for Corgis and maybe Peter Dinklage.
  10. Bangkok – Really? There’s a place they call Bangkok. It wasn’t just a placeholder until they came up with a real name. Give me a break. Next thing you know there’ll be a lake named Titicaca.
  11. Glasgow, Scotland – As I write this I’m actually motoring thru Glasgow on a tour bus or “coach” as they call it here in Scotland. Inspiration is where you find it. Fun Fact: People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians. The Beatles sang about this ♫Isn’t it good, Glaswegian Wood
  12. Paris – 2 sister monuments to the venerable Eiffel Tower: The Eyeful Tower and The Awful Tower. The Eyeful Tower is really something to see while the Awful Tower features the kitschy Awful Falafel bistro.
  13. The Crab Nebula – Best interstellar seafood this side of Pisces. It’s light-years better than the Red Lobster
  14. Andromeda Galaxy – Place is absolutely out of this world
  15. Bible Belt – Visit this shrine and get your truth on. Resolve all your issues by reading words chiseled by uncircumcised men whose barber and dentist were the same guy
  16. The Boyhood Home of Chaz Bono – Visit Sonny & Cher’s offspring’s now genderless nursery of their daughter born Chastity Bono. It’s the non-binary experience of a lifetime.
  17. Elizabeth Montgomery’s Broom Closet – What could be more bewitching than a backstage look at a TV witch’s broom closet? Plenty. Visitors take note, this broom closet was curated before the creation of the Nimbus2000. Be forewarned, any comment using the cliché “this broom closet has swept me off my feet” will result in immediate expulsion.
  18. Bette Davis’s Laundry Hamper – See her unwashed memories as they were on the day she died Oct. 6, 1989. It’s all there: the size 1 cocktail dress she wore on her last Tonight Show appearance, lipstick stained sleeve where a nervous tic causes her to kiss her wrist, and for some reason Joan Crawford’s truss. Tour is hosted by a hologram of Roddy MacDowell. Movie-worn shoulder pads, cigarette holders and dress shields available for purchase in gift shop.
  19. Three Corners Theme Park – Thrill to see where the states of Wyoming, Montana and Idaho share a common boundary. It’s all there:
      • The Tomb of the Unknown Rancher – Don’t know who it is, but they’re pretty sure he died with his boots on
      • Native Americans with One Tear Streaming Down Their Cheek – Combine broken treaties, land usurpation and firewater intolerance and you’d be crying too. I have my reservations about visiting this reserv…I mean defined area where Indians must live.
      • Wyoming’s Stonehenge – 12 Plymouth Belvederes buried up to their tailfins, zodiacally arranged to align with the Summer Solstice
      • BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Administrator Hung in Effigy – Left dangling as a reminder to meddlers
      • Shrine to the Jolly Rancher – A celebration of the lighter side of ad hoc militias
      • Brokeback Mountain Roller Coaster – One trip on this dizzying ride and your orientation might be changed forever
      • .
  20. The Museum of Recovered Memories – Make up a whole new past life or just think that you have. Remember, it’s not imaginary if you believe in it.

London Subway: Defunct Tube Lines & Current Tube Stops

Early London Tube Routes No Longer in Use

  1. The Vacuum Tube – Antiquated route. Replaced by the Transistor Tube and eventually the Digital Highway
  2. The Fallopian Tube – AKA “The Tunnel of Love.” Getting there was half the fun and once there people didn’t want to leave
  3. The Test Tube – Never got beyond beta. They were always experimenting with this Tube.
  4. The Boob Tube – Fail. Riders watched it instead of riding it
  5. Like Totally Tubular Man – The fact that it was located in San Fernando Valley and not England had more to do with its demise than anything else

 

Notable Tube Stops

  1. Mattress Springs
  2. Gobsmack Wickets
  3. Poopchute Commons
  4. Hospital Corners
  5. Isle of View (AKA – I Love You)
  6. Sure Would Forest
  7. Minster
  8. West Minster
  9. Upper Minster
  10. Lower Minster
  11. Minster-upon-Minster
  12. Minster Minster Minster – Marcia Brady lived here briefly
  13. Minsterpool
  14. Minstershire
  15. Minsterham
  16. Shrinkage Flats
  17. Upper Lip
  18. Stiff Upper Lip
  19. Eden
  20. East of Eden
  21. Titwhistle Sound
  22. Spit-by-the-Sea
  23. Mucous Greens
  24. Paltrow Goop
  25. Cabbie Abbey
  26. UBER Abbey
  27. Abbey Road
  28. Bedlam
  29. Mayhem
  30. Bedham
  31. Maylem
  32. Maybe Bedlam, Maybe Mayhem
  33. Bridge-over-Troubled Waters
  34. Fancy That Guvnah
  35. East Fancy That Guvnah
  36. Cameltoe Arches
  37. Blossom Farts Hollow
  38. Stratford-upon-Avon – Home to Shakespeare
  39. Nose-upon-Face
  40. White-on-Rice
  41. Once-upon-Atime – Home to Fairytales
  42. Picklesworth
  43. East Picklesworth
  44. Slightly East, But More to the Northeast Without Actually Being In East Picklesworth Proper
  45. Nowhere Near Picklesworth, more Devonshire than Picklesworth
  46. Will You Forget Picklesworth Already This is Cavendish Forks
  47. Gherkinville
  48. 55 Miles Due East of Picklesworth
  49. Stink-on-Shite
  50. Paper Docks
  51. Shallowpool
  52. Humbug Station
  53. Scrooge Rectory
  54. Jesus, Will You Let It Go, You’re Not in Picklesworth Anymore and We’re Not Even Going to Picklesworth
  55. East Jesus, Will You Let It Go, You’re Not in Picklesworth Anymore and We’re Not Even Going to Picklesworth
  56. The Heights of Impropriety 
  57. Pissinboot Falls
  58. Prominent Flats
  59. Plain Commons
  60. Extraordinary Commons
  61. Dingleberry Farms
  62. Papist Trappings
  63. Texarkana – Who knew they’d have one too?
  64. Sticky Wicket Thickets

First Drafts of Some Shakespeare Plays

  1. Green Eggs and Hamlet – A charming farce about breakfast during the Renaissance

    1564-1616. Numbers don’t do him justice. But words do. Much ado.

  2. The Book of Norman – The Norman Conquest as seen through the eyes of a zealous young missionary, Prince Brigham
  3. Romeo & Romeo – Set in a Roman bath house, this steamy play about gladiator hygiene introduces the recurring character of Bette Midler
  4. The Merry Wives of Vlad the Impaler – The bard takes a lighter look at Vlad’s happier domestic life. This is not the one-dimensional “head on a pike” Vlad that can be so dreary.
  5. MEGA – Make England Great Again. This play later morphed into The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
  6. Do You Know the Muffin Man. Well, Do Ya Punk? – This play begat the character of Dirty Harry
  7. Taming of the Jew – A headstrong Semite is mellowed after his desired behaviors are rewarded with bagels
  8. A Midsummer’s Night Protest March for Redress of Grievances Against the King – The peasants revolt against the King’s knights use of excessive force – especially when a simple, “Will you kindly give us your first born,” would do. Uprising eventually leads to King John relinquishing some power by signing the Magna Carta.
  9. Two Gentleman from the Tenderloin – Rosencrantz and Guildenstern visit Stonewall and wind up in chains – though by choice

    While visiting his home in Stratford-upon-Avon, I paid homage at his burial site in Holy Trinity Church.

  10. Juliet and Juliet – 2 chefs battle to the death in a final cook-off to see who will become Queen Elizabeth’s court chef. Neither want to lose their head over this, but one will. It’s like a medieval version of the Food Network’s show Chopped. Also, Juliet and Juliet, may have been the basis for the 2009 foodie movie Julie & Julia.
  11. How Now Brown Cow – Falstaff develops unaccountable feelings for his cow Bessie, in a love that dare not speak its name. Audiences found it very mooving.
  12. Thou Wench Doth Spaketh Poorly – A grammar snob decries the lack of the King’s English spoken by a Cockney street urchin. Play later became My Fair Lady
  13. A Pursuit Most Trivial – Professor Maximillian of Cambridge keeps pestering the faculty with pointless quiz questions on a variety of topics. Eventually it becomes a board game craze and he makes a million. Which influenced play #14
  14. Maximillian Makes a Million – A stunningly unorthodox play where the protagonist (Professor Maximilian) confesses that it wasn’t the first million, but rather the second million that was actually the hardest to make. No one was exhibiting meta-humor in 1590, except for Shakespeare. This “lost” play never made it out of previews in Greenwich. Its charred script was discovered near his Globe Theater in 2007 after getting singed in London’s Great Fire of 1666.
  15. Sir Thinxalot – This brilliant Knight of the Eggheads defeats opponents with wit and cunning. In Act II he marries Lady Mensa.
  16. The Gouger of Venice – A greedy Venice merchant overcharges its citizens for gondola rides until the Doge gently persuades him to “play nice” or have his disemboweled entrails strewn all over St. Mark’s Square
  17. Bangers and Mash – An Olde English version of Starsky and Hutch
  18. East Side Story – A musical version of Romeo and Juliet. Who would ever dream a musical like that would work – unless you transferred it to the West Side.
  19. Ojello – This first draft involving rendering horses into edible byproducts somehow transformed into Othello
  20. The “Ado” Plays
    • Much Ado About Nothing
    • Some Ado About Some Thing
    • A Little Ado About a Few Things
    • No Ado About Anything
    • Much Adieu About French Good Byes

 

Shakespeare was celebrated in his day because he wrote popular and relatable plays for the masses and aristocracy alike. This was before Johan Gutenberg’s printing press made books/novels/stories generally available. There wasn’t much entertainment competition. Shakespeare had the field pretty much to himself. Theater going was one of the few ways your average Lancelot entertained himself. Will S. actually became more popular after his death (just like I will). Back then the play really was the thing.

This is by no means a condemnation of the outsized talents of Shakespeare, just a perspective on our most worthiest of playwrights

Still, I wonder why playwright isn’t spelled playwrite. Makes no sense. Oh well – a little ado about everything.

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

The Topic is Dark, But in an Upbeat, Dark Chocolate Kinda Way

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. They now find that when one door closes, another 2 doors also close
  2. Try as they might, whenever life gives them lemons, all they can make is urine
  3. Nut milks not delivering on their promise
  4. HHDS (Hogan’s Heroes Derangement Syndrome). Ever since Hogan’s Heroes was summarily cancelled (without explanation) in 1971, hundreds of post-adolescent men have suffered from this late onset syndrome. I know I do.

Reset: Reasons People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. One of their personalities gets a Restraining Order on the other
  2. Their self-driving car goes out on rides without them
  3. They’re convinced those cyber bitches Alexa and Siri are scheming against them
  4. No one is impressed any more by your “State Quarter” collection. And then you discover they weren’t impressed by it in the first place.
  5. Toaster doesn’t care where you set the Darkness dial. It pops up after it thinks it’s done
  6. You just spotted your so-called Psychiatrist washing dishes at the Waffle House
  7. Every time you get to the front of the line, everyone turns 180° around and says, “Sorry Charlie, you’re at the back now?”
  8. You can no longer find Rita Moreno’s 1980 Pepsodent commercial on YouTube
  9. The endless frustration of being unable to turn raisins back into grapes
  10. Did you know that Euthanasia outnumber youth in Europe?
  11. Your self-deprecating humor now hitting too close to home
  12. Your shadow is now acting independently of your movements
  13. That Aha video “Take On Me” no longer brings you the joy it once did. In fact it’s scary as hell now.
  14. Some people euthanize preemptively because they think they’ve learned all they can from this incarnation and just want to get on with the next one

Isn’t That Precious: Confessions of a Catalytic Converter Thief

I’ll always carry a torch for catalytic converters – an acetylene torch. I had to in my business. How else was I going to cut them out of the exhaust system?

Cut away view of a catalytic convertor. It’s a car’s liver.

Hello law-abiding citizens, my name is Eugene Clark and I was once a catalytic converter thief. My street name was Acetylene Gene and due to my dastardly deeds I had a carbon footprint the size of a crop circle. And while catalytic converters save the environment from ghastly gasses, they saved me from financial ruin. That is until I got caught platinum-handed by the Alameda County Sheriff while practicing my craft in a dark and unmonitored Costco employee parking lot. I had just harvested my 3rd converter of the night when Officer Malloy collared me. I knew I should’ve stopped at 1, but you know how it is when you’re at Costco – you always end up getting more than you planned on.

 

Since that eventful evening I’ve gone straight. I mean I’ve always been straight, it’s just that I no longer steal for a living (unless you count not paying rent at my girlfriend Stacy’s trailer). The Alameda County Probation Dept. sentenced me to house arrest and outfitted me with a hi-tech GPS tracking ankle bracelet. That didn’t last. I kept torching it off and selling the bracelet for its precious metals and valuable circuitry (old habits die hard). The Probation Dept. finally clamped on an unforgiving manacle of worthless iron and I got the message. I’m housebound once again (trailer-bound really) which is no different than my life during COVID. As part of my plea bargaining sentence I’m duty bound to enlighten the public on the nefarious ways catalytic converter thieves operate and how citizens can protect themselves against such rank thievery.

 

To the School Children of America

Kids, as the theme song for the TV series Baretta advised, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” Of course Robert Blake, the star of Baretta, is in jail for murder so I don’t know how valid this line of reasoning is. Let me come at you another way. I believe it really hurts your grades to spend too much time trying to picture your teacher naked. It’s a short term benefit that’s not helpful in the long run. But if I could say something more instructive and useful to the school children (and the court does order me to do so) it would be this: Kids, don’t meddle with precious metals. Rare earth materials belong either in the earth or under a car in the exhaust-scrubbing catacombs of a catalytic convertor. A life of larceny will eventually catch up with you so you might as well get on the straight and narrow so you can avoid living in a tin can with manacled ankles.

 

What do catalytic converters do? Yeah, what do day do?

Catalytic converters are like the automobile’s liver. They filter out (convert) harmful and poisonous exhaust gases into relatively harmless compounds. More specifically they transform carbon dioxide, nitric oxide, nitrogen dioxide and hydrocarbons into more environmentally friendly carbon dioxides and water vapor by means of chemical reactions. As the polluting hot exhaust gases pass through honeycombed chambers coated with precious metals at temperatures of 400°, chemical reactions occur that essentially neuter the malevolent gases and convert them into less noxious vapors.

 

Catalytic convertors have a salutary effect on the environment depending on if you know the meaning of the word salutary. Some regard catalytic converters as solid state chimney sweeps. It’s worth noting that despite the ubiquity of catalytic converters, the average vehicle still produces roughly 8 tons of GHG (Greenhouse Gases) annually, mostly in the form of carbon dioxide. Now multiply that by 1.4 billion cars on earth and that’s a ton of CO2. Actually it’s 11.2 billion tons – almost as heavy as Homer’s The Odyssey.

 

That’s what’s different about today’s global warming. It’s not some endogenous cyclical process. It’s a gross imbalance of 11.2 billion tons of CO2 injected into the air annually. It’s not part of some organic long term cycle of heating and cooling that the Earth can naturally manage. The earth has never faced this level of unmitigated ecological imbalance since that asteroid impacted the Yucatan Peninsula 65 million years ago, wiping out the dinosaurs and injuring Barbara Walters. Barbara has since recovered, but the earth may not be able to recover from this avalanche of CO2 as greenhouse gases slowly trap evermore heat. I’m not a doom and gloomer, I’m just stating it as a distinct possibility. It could be catastrophic. The only thing left would be Mt. Rushmore. Read the rest of this entry »

Virtue Signaling Tweets Gone Wrong: Man at His Oblivious Best

  1. I stand with all paraplegics
  2. Freedom is not dom, it just sounds that way
  3. Beavers Lives Matter #JerryMathersMatters
  4. I deeply care about things in an abstract, non-participatory sense
  5. I’m passionate about slacktivism and clicktivism
  6. If I knew what disingenuous meant, I guess I’d be angry
  7. I donate money to many causes anonymously. Here’s a list.
  8. I have high moral values…in public
  9. I’m just a humble narcissist expressing his false modesty