1. My dentist is so judgmental. He told me, “You made a very bad first impression with us. Try making a better second impression. By biting down harder.”
2. Don’t you find it odd that your procrastinator’s office has only waiting rooms and that he’s making appointments 13 years out? Let that sink in.
3. If a Kohler wash basin comes knocking at your door….let that sink in
4. The Titanic was struck by an iceberg. It flooded and they had no choice but to, let that sink in.
5. I want you to really apply yourself and carefully coordinate things. Y’know, let that sync in.
6. I really am the Eggman – all egg white. And that’s no yolk.
7. Do you want to go to the Gay Rodeo? And for context, I should mention it’s the animals and not the cowboys who are gay – don’t ask me how they know.
8. The famous 1920’s evangelist was not named Amy Sample She was Amy Semple MacPherson. In this simple example, Sample is Semple.
9. I know a gunslinger who had such bad aim, he couldn’t shoot the breeze if he tried
10. I know a guy who was very unsuccessful in hitting on women. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a broad
11. And yes, I realize that Napoleon Bonaparte is not germane to this discussion. How could he be germane? He’s French.

Who doesn’t remember exactly where they were when The Price Is Right admitted that there was no succession plan in place for host Drew Carey? Absolutely unconscionable of them. Another more recent case of having one’s core beliefs shattered is when it was announced that J Lo’s residency at Caesar’s Palace would be curtailed due to “unspecified pelvic issues.” Curtailed? My God – that’s 12 fewer dates. We will never get them back. Let that sink in! I remember the announcement like it was yesterday. I was watching The Price Is Right at the time.

Now what the MSM won’t tell you, or at least chooses to omit, is that Drew Carey doesn’t have any Secret Service protection and that J Lo might be perimenopausal. He’s out there, fully exposed. And she could be somebody’s grandmother by now.

I do take some solace (as opposed to taking umbrage) knowing that The Wheel of Fortune had the good sense to formulate a succession plan for Pat Sajak, although to me Ryan Seacrest seems more of a placeholder than a long-term solution. I would’ve preferred Sajak was succeeded by former teen heart throb of the late 1950’s Paul Anka, but that’s just my way. More importantly, what viewers have failed to realize is that Vanna White, whose been turning heads and letters on the show since 1982, was replaced by an “AI Vanna” 6 months ago. Have you ever noticed that when she reaches to highlight a letter, sometimes her arm turns into a big furry cat’s paw?

Despite these soul crushing setbacks, it is up to us, we compassionate civilians, to bind our nation’s wounds by understanding that stardom is nothing to be trifled with and this reminds me of an interview with the now aged Mel Brooks where he was asked, “Do you wear boxers or briefs?”

 And he responds “Depends.”

1. 1. I wonder which is more wind resistant: Tumbleweed or Ariana Grande. I worry about that little pixie being picked up by a stiff breeze and never being seen or heard from again.
   2. So I’m not hip anymore. I wouldn’t recognize Dua Lipa or Doja Cat if they were French kissing me.
   3. And speaking of same, I just realized the term “tongue in cheek” can refer to more than just the cheeks on your face.
   4. If you drop something and watch it, it lands right by your feet and can be easily retrieved. However, if you drop something and don’t watch it, it takes the opportunity to ricochet off your foot or a table leg and scoot itself completely hidden under the couch on the other side of the room. Moral of the story: Kids, stay in school.
   5. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on the possibility of seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt running naked through my kitchen.
   6. However, from the “One door closes, another door opens department”: Due to an unbelievable confluence of events, during a tour of Buckingham Palace, I once saw Queen Elizabeth II patting herself dry after a sitz bath. I marveled at her pink royal ass, and I say that tongue in cheek.
   7. Has this happened to you? Sometimes, if I’ve unintentionally touched my iPhone screen in strange ways while trying to get it out of my pocket, I’ll look at the screen and I’ve somehow gotten so deep into the iOS architecture that I have the ability to launch nuclear strikes anywhere in the world. Sometimes I access a video of Jennifer Love Hewitt encouraging me to, “Get a life, dude.”
   8. From the Unintended Consequences Dept: At the Pray-it-Away Conversion Therapy Clinic, the instructors somehow got the pages mixedup and inadvertently taught the class in reverse order. When they were through, all the teachers had accidentally transformed themselves from straight to gay. Church elders are blaming it all on, “that degenerate Beach Boys’ song ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’ that opened up this whole can of worms.”

• Archimedes, angered at misplacing his toga, exclaims “Eureka, I have lost it!”
• Archimedes math problems keep multiplying
• Archimedes says he’s screwed! (think, think, that’s it. You have found it!)
• It has been determined that William Shatner’s body is 95% ham
• The bark of Dogwood trees is ruff
• Self-Check Out is very popular these days. In fact, hip psychologists now refer to suicide as Self-Check Out.
• “Someday it’s gonna be 50 years from now.” I said that on New Year’s Day in 1976.
• I have no idea what “brioche” is
• Overheard in a Starbucks. A Latte complaining to a Frappuccino about the unearned popularity of a new drink: “That’s all I hear these days, ‘Macha, Macha, Macha!'”

1. Louis XIV Presents: Jerk du Soleil
2. Just Jest I Guess
3. Surely You Joust (And stop calling me Joust…I mean surely)
4. Clowns to the Left of Me Jokers to the Right, Here I am Stuck in the middle with me
5. Oh how we love whatever God, our King tells us to Worship: And other ways to avoid beheading
6. Taylor Swift CPA: The IRAs Tour (Not a show, but a symposium on how peasants can retire early)
7. I Dream of Smallpox: Where to turn when the Plague is getting you down
8. Take My Common-Law Wife, Please!
9. J’ever notice how everybody’s starving cuz there’s no food: And other Silly Observations
10. Vlad the Impaler really Skewers his audience (not suitable for the blood averse)
11. “I can Sever that Head in 3 Whacks” Things frequently said on the “Name that Executioner” show
12. Soot: It’s NOT a Performance in Black Face, it’s just that our faces are so dirty. Soap has not been invented yet.

1. There shall be established one approved name for all grandmothers, and it shall be Nonni.
2. The Olsen Files to be released: It shall be publicly posted why Susan Olsen (little Cindy Brady) did not participate in the first Brady reunion movie. It’s been 38 years. The public has waited long enough.
3. Ken Burns shall make a 30 hour 10-part documentary on the history of balloon animals
4. Airport Lactation Stations shall time-share as Adult Visitation Cubicles
5. If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon
6. Those who delayed the manufacture of mustard and ketchup bottles from being made in the handier cap side down manner, shall be brought to justice. If found guilty, they shall be hung by their feet…till all the fluid rushes to their heads.
7. The Road to Hell shall henceforth be paved with Amazon gift cards

In Order to Form a More Perfect Onion

8. Young people must experience one day per year where they become their 80-year-old self. Until age 60. Then they get one day at 20.
9. It shall be understood that the use of lead pipes caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. So too shall it be recognized that the advent of the Toaster Pastry has done similarly toWestern Civilization
10. In order to strengthen the moral fiber of this country, all thong bikinis are hereby outlawed (unless you happen to be walking by me)
11. Performative tests will be undertaken to determine if “Visine really does get the Red out.”
12. Henceforth, the word “performative” shall be outlawed
13. Be it known, Peeps may be classified as Service Animals and brought aboard hovercraft or other marine conveyances
14. All Bitcoins shall be filled with chocolate and covered in gold foil and given to nephews by uncles

Edited out Dirty Ones:

8. All men shall be barred from saying to any woman, “I’d really like to get to know your inner circle.”
9. Similarly, all women shall be barred from saying to any man, “I’d really like to help me lift your manhole cover.”

1. Nomads excel at anger management
2. Czechs use Venmo
3. The Assyrians were just regular Syrians, but with really big asses
4. The Finnish are done
5. In Warsaw they Pole dance
6. The Sea Anemone is the enemy of the Yemini
7. Q: If you go into a bathroom an American, and come out an American, what are you when you’re in there?
    A: European
8. There was a time all Cavemen lived in Man Caves, but not by choice
9. Loony people from the Amazon are called Brazil nuts
10. Loony people from Wales are called Walnuts

<You deserve a break>

11. People from Wales who don’t repay money they owe, Welsh on their loans
12. Japanese, Chinese and American knees all operate the same way.
13. Bedouins love mattress sales
14. In Kashmir they buy cashmere with mere cash
15. Swedish people are so saccharine. And I think that’s kinda sweet-ish
16. Is Israel really real? It is real. I mean, it Israel.
17. Never take Stonehenge for granite
18. Romans are now stationary. And yet they’re always roamin’
19. We could go, or we Kuwait. Your choice
20. Islamabad, and it’s not getting any better

<One more pit stop>

21. ♫Here’s to the New Delhi…Same as the Old Delhi♫
      Well at least the New Delhi has vegan options.
22. Newfoundland. “Hey look, we found new land. Great. Let’s pronounce it ‘New Findland.’”
23. Yukon be serious. I’ll have Nunavut.
24. Iraq my brain and I still can’t figure an easy way to say, “I’ve jogged?” “Well, how about Iran?”
25. No one stops talking in Babylon. They just babble on and brook no nonsense.

Not part of the list, but I understand sometimes rust does sleep.

When you’re voluntarily imprisoned in an airliner – buckled up and cinched in, seatback and tray table in the upright and locked position – one’s prevailing reality can change quickly. While you’re optimizing the miserly 11 cubic feet of space you’re allotted, seemingly trivial matters can swell into a wave of overwhelming stuff – a tsunami of tstuff that’s difficult to tsurf. Normally, a stable mentality can calmly navigate these matters. Then there’s me. Who, in this instance, managed to elevate what should’ve been a trivial custodial chore (tossing away a sliver of trash) into a Force 5 psychotic event.

My Tale of Airborne Angst

There’s something pacifying about having limited choices when airborne. You understand and are even comforted by these boundaries – like how a dog feels in its crate. I’m content to inhabit this space where you don’t have to contend with nagging nuisances. You’re just flying from point A to point B. There’s nothing to fuss over as you relax into your airborne limbo. And due to these pleasantly straitened circumstances, your life becomes simpler and naturally decluttered – like a cerebral cleansing where all the detritus of the day is blown away into the purifying Jetstream.

In these high-flying situations of clarity, little things mean a lot – a whole lot. And, in this case, a whole lot became way too much. At least it did for me. Because within this soothing swirl of airborne simplification I began hatching conspiracies where none existed. My susceptible mind became perturbed and, much to my chagrin, a bite-sized quibble, grew into an inedible hunk-a, hunk-a burnin’ hysteria. Allow me to explain.

Either I’m getting older or the flight attendants are getting younger. Here is a picture of my FA Gale. Was she “fer me” or “agin’ me?” Let’s examine the situation.

Once upon a time, on a long flight to Maui, I had finished my Snyder’s Pretzel snack (good) and now I had that nasty little bag to discard (bad). Somehow, I failed to notice my flight attendant’s garbage run, as Gale darted down the aisle like a speedy donation collector at a big box church. How could I miss her billowing white Hefty bag signaling it’s time for the flock to donate their wretched refuse? Then again, maybe it was a Glad bag and not a Hefty bag. It all happened so fast I couldn’t be sure, and lord knows I have enough baggage of my own to deal with. Of course, the need for certainty on such a piddling issue like this Glad vs. Hefty baggage meant only one thing: I was deep down a rabbit hole, and my susceptible mind was now officially perturbed. For all I know, the garbage bag Gale whisked by me could’ve been a Kirkland brand. Yup, I was down a rabbit hole deeper than Alice in Wonderland. Pull up Hardiman, pull up!     Read the rest of this entry »