List of Sports Leagues Cancelling Their Seasons Due to the Coronavirus

  1. While self-quarantining, recreate the mind and the body. And don’t worry, you’ll never miss these sports. body.

    Origami League – As expected, the league folded. That’s all they did. That created a financial problem. So the league just folded.

  2. Professional Marbles Association – Not a Coronavirus related closing. They simply lost their marbles. 
  3. Jewdo – Martial Arts for Semites. Was never really a hit. The sport was always underfunded as participants refused to pay retail.
  4. Competitive Eating Club – This is a tough one to swallow. And I’m sorry I broke the first rule of the Competitive Eating Club which is, “You don’t talk about Competitive Eating Club.”
  5. Uphill Skiing League – The league fought gallantly to avoid cancellation, but it was an uphill battle – both ways. 
  6. Miniature Golf – No surprise here. Miniature Golf’s fan base had been shrinking for some time.
  7. Competitive Balloon Animal-ing – Get this. It’s so popular now, Balloon Animals are actually expanding. Pop Culture I guess.
  8. Air Hockey – Face it, the game blows. It has to, otherwise the puck would never elevate. Ironically, now that it’s unplugged, it doesn’t blow anymore.
  9. Dwarf Tossing League – Always politically incorrect to begin with, this “He ain’t heavy, he’s my midget” gnome-hurling sport will be downsized and eventually replaced with the bulimic sport of cookie tossing.
  10. Professional Snow Writing – Cancelled their season for 2 reasons: 1. Hygiene was always an issue and 2. Whether writing in cursive or block letters, women we’re always at an anatomical disadvantage. (I know… “ewwww” factor)
  11. Speed Band-Aid Removal – A marginal sport at best, the Speed Band-Aid Removal owners just felt it was a time to heal rather than peel.
  12. Speed Bikini Waxing – Instead of cancelling the season they took the easy way out and just shaved 2 months off it. They said it wasn’t so much a public health issue as it was a pubic health issue.
  13. Speed Backstroke Racing – It went belly up.
  14. Throwing a Tennis Ball with a Spaghetti Spoon League – The season wasn’t cancelled by dog owners, but by the dogs who no longer wanted to run a 5K just to retrieve some stupid ball. A Spokesdog commented, “Playing ‘fetch’ was fine for 20,000 years. Everyone knew their place. Now we’re supposed to run a marathon while our owners use a frickin’ catapult to throw the ball into the next zip code. Enough already. When we get gray around the snout, tossing a stick 30 feet is fine.”
  15. Skeet Shooting Association– Decided to terminate the season in an effort to save dinner plates needed to serve the hungry. Briefly considered using unemployed dwarfs from the Dwarf Tossing League as alternative targets, but dwarf wranglers couldn’t toss them high enough and catapults were unreliable. And yes I do apologize to everyone for #15.
  16. Hang Gliding Society – Experienced a fall from Grace. I guess they just couldn’t keep current But seriously, when Grace fell, the hangwriting was on the wall.
  17. National Rowing Association – They will continue despite the fact that all rowers have had strokes.
  18. National Sculling Association – This more intellectually empowered version of the National Rowing Association will continue their haughty ways even though these scullers are all a bunch of head cases.
  19. Upside Down Kayaking in Scuba Gear – Someone loses a bar bet and suddenly there’s a sport. I don’t think so.
  20. Major League Archery – Went bankrupt after losing a patent infringement suit to Target
  21. Major League Treachery – A reality sport that also went bankrupt after a lawsuit from Arthur Treacher. Remember – Jeeves, Fish and Chips anyone?
  22. American Fencing Association – Whether Stockade or Chain Link, they’ve all agreed to suspend operations. I may have mixed my swords with my pickets here. Well hopefully my rapier wit stays intact.
  23. Badminton – Unfortunately it’s cancelled. However it will soon be replaced by Goodminton.
  24. NERF Ball Stuffing – Not really a spectator sport, it nonetheless suspended operations due to hygienic considerations. Some franchises were folded into the HSL – the Hide the Salami League.
  25. Whiffle Ball – The league closed and nobody batted an eye.
  26. Waffle Ball – They ran out of dough. Now they’re toast.
  27. Competitive Eating Association – Not affiliated with the Competitive Eating Club (which I shouldn’t have talked about in the first place). So what happened to the Competitive Eating Association? – They went belly up.
  28. The World’s Oldest Sport – It will remain unaffected. In fact, it will likely increase in popularity because there will be fewer distractions. 
  29. Kneeboarding – This water sport got very confusing. Participants thought they had to simulate drowning their knees with washcloths and water.
  30. French Fry Bobbing Assoc. – What? You thought I’d create this list and not include this classic? Most participants looked like the Phantom of the Opera
  31. American Bungee Jumping Association to Suspend Operations – What else is new. That’s all they did. Suspend operations.
  32. Pro Bowlers Association – Couldn’t spare a dime and now they’re on
  33. Free Climbing Kirstie Alley – The sport ended when Ms. Alley discovered 3 climbers at Base Camp, swinging from her hips.
  34. Full Contact Chess – Sport was driven from the field when complaints rose from other less protected pieces about why the Knights got to wear helmets and everybody else was subject to CTE. One of the Bishops piped up, “I feel like such a pawn.” Another Bishop, already late for an appointment while finishing his Guinness at a pub said, “Check mate?”
  35. English Steeplechase – Sport closed down when it was discovered that steeples didn’t run…and therefore certainly didn’t need to be chased.
  36. Dressage – Isn’t dressage what RuPaul and his TV friends do? Am I confusing it with drag racing?
  37. Equestrian – Closed up much to my chagrin. And I thought, “This is the dawning of the Age of Equestrian.
  38. Spearfishing (The Angry Anglers) – This sport died from a self-inflicted puncture wound. Note: The one time I went spearfishing I did pretty well. I caught 5 spears. 1 asparagus, 1 Britney and 3 regular. Next time I went ice fishing and caught 10 cubes. Nearly drowned trying to cook them.
  39. International Cow Tipping Society – The sport of cow tipping was disbanded when cows began demanding unaffordable 40 and 50% tips. The president of the society explained, “What irony. The cows we’re actually milking us.”
  40. Australian Rules Hurling – I knew this one wouldn’t last too long. Who wants to watch a bunch of burly guys throwing up – and upside down to boot? Very disturbing.
  41. Rhythmic Gymnastics – We all know what “rhythmic gymnastics” is a euphemism for. This oldest sport known to man is best left to lovers in the bedroom.
  42. Patty Cake League – The Patty Cake League closed shop when the Baker’s man pay was cut. He considered it a slap in the face and began baking cakes slowly. The whole Patty Cake thing just didn’t work after that. They tried to secretly resurrect themselves as the Pat-A-Cake League, but people could hear this dog whistle. Besides, by then people had moved on to fist bumps.
  43. Kick Boxing Club – It seems participants didn’t like the possibility of receiving a blunt force roundhouse kick to the head with enough kinetic energy to dislodge the nose of George Washington from Mount Rushmore. The club tried to cushion the blows by using a kind of boxing gloves for the feet, but kick boxers looked plain silly – tramping around like prancing dogs when you put booties on them. And I know…I’m breaking the first rule of Kick Boxing Club by talking about them.
  44. Even Unparallel Bars – Too iconoclastic. Andy Warhol’s answer to the uneven parallel bars served no practical purpose other than to be provocative and to remind us that “This is not here.” Life is confounding enough.

Google Proposes to Buy Catholic Church

Financial and moral bankruptcy makes Catholic Church ripe for the plucking.

In an unlikely marriage of high tech and high mass, Google Inc. has vowed to purchase the 2000 year old Christian start-up and convert it from a parochial relic of medieval luminosity, to a go-to search engine of latter day enlightenment. In other words to reimagine the Church, not as some vestigial sanctuary of last resort, but as a relevant refuge of first resort – and without all the resort fees.

 

Google promises to create an online spiritual haven far beyond the binary limitations of earthly design – a transformative resort where true seekers can purge themselves of barnacled beliefs and pardonable, but entrenched assumptions in preparation for boundary-dissolving experiences. These experiences, they say, will illuminate both the poignancy and absurdity of life’s predicament. And Google hopes to accomplish all this, not with a prophet, but at a profit.

 

Some say we should genuflect to our digitally savvy superiors and welcome them with a hearty “All hail the coming of our spiritual overlord – Wi-Fi? Why not?”  More cautionary voices insist we, “Slow down there Mr. Univac. Your glorified abacus is just an electronic toy here to serve us. Remember, you’re made in God’s image and not vice-versa.” These are the typical binary talking points you get on earth whenever transformative change is in the air.

 

Reflecting the volatility of their proposed purchase, Google’s bid was not filed with the SEC, but rather with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Crosses – or as it more commonly appears in writing: The Bureau of AT&✝. In their bid, Google pledges to create a welcoming, spiritual resort that honors all paths and not just the ones that hold rummage sales in church basements. A place where worshipers feel they’re on vacation instead of on trial. No longer will adherents have to nourish their souls on the stale, old piety of centuries old dogma. The Church, reborn under a new rubric, will become a divine haven where spiritual gamers (Google’s nomenclature for parishioners) can now operate in a cosmic resort of first resort. Read the rest of this entry »

Rare Diseases: When You’re Sick of Laughing

Presented by the CDC (Center for Diseased Comedy):

I am not eased by this. In fact, I’m dis-eased.

1. SharonaVirus – A highly specific affliction whereby one only listens to music by The Knack

2. CoronaVirus – Feeling ill from: 1. Looking at the sun’s rays during a solar eclipse 2. Driving an old Toyota 3. Drinking a certain Mexican beer 4. Soul-kissing a Chinese bat

3. Influenca – Where a Social Media Influencer infects you with their lifestyle choices

4. Visitation Aversion Disorder – Overcoming, coming over

5. Anti-paranoid – The psychotic belief that everyone is trying to ignore you

6. Picnic Attack – Paralytic affliction where one freaks out at eating a basket lunch out in nature

7. Tourette’s Gestures – Spontaneously filthy and uncontrollable hand gestures

8. Wasnesia – Past tense of Amnesia. Sufferers pin a Forget-me-not on their shirt – if they can remember.

9. Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed – A serenely goofy feeling of whelm-being

10. Lymon Disease – A more citrus-y take on Lyme Disease. It still ticks off a lot of people.

11. Caitlyn Gender Dysphoria – When winning an Olympic Gold medal in the Decathlon is not enough to reinforce your sexual identity

12. PSC-PTSD (Pre-Stressed Concrete Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – When Bridges crack and fail due to recovered memories of all those noxious cars weighing them down

13. Royal Pains in the Arse – Surmounting Sir Mounting’s Hemorrhoids

14. Late Onset Early Bird Special Dining – When the elderly are serially late for early bird dinners, so that they now have to pay full price

15. Miffed Cow Disease – Not as bad as Mad Cow Disease, but it still leaves you feeling kind of surly

16. Penile Snoring – aka: Restless Shaft Syndrome. Bed sharers complaint: “Would you please shut your urethra so I can get some sleep?” In women this syndrome is called ___________ (because I still have a shot at going to heaven, I had to delete what it’s called).

17. Accidentally Checking the Wrong Box-itis – Damn it! I guess I actually did sign up for this.

18. Chronic Jew Syndrome – Not a disease. It’s just being Jewish. There are no symptoms except you tend to be successful and pro-Semitic.

19. Grammarians Conjunctivitis – A syntactical syndrome where you don’t know where to place your ifs, ands or buts

19.5 Toilet Seat Conjunctivitus – An assinine syndrome where you don’t know where to place your butt

20. Gingervitis – An allergic reaction to seeing Ginger on Gilligan’s Island

21. Toe-shaped Teeth – Foot in Mouth Disease

22. Margaret’s Shaking Limbs – Restless Peg Syndrome

23. Nephritic Bonging – Kidneys Stoned

24. Adhesive Tapeworm – Really sticks to your ribs. People in Glasgow contract a different version called Scotch Tapeworm.

25. YouTuberculosis – When you can’t stop watching videos till they consume you. Consumption be done about it?

26. Ball Peen Hammertoe – When your ♫Boots are made for tapping ♫

27. Chlamydia – An irritating flower that blooms where you’d prefer it wouldn’t. Also a character in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Hook Up.”

28. Lobster Thrombosis – Often mistaken for an illness, this delicious dish is prepared with egg yolks and brandy. No wait that’s Lobster Thermidor. I remember now. Lobster Thermidor leads to Lobster Thrombosis.

29. Eco-car Dementia – Oh, Prius, don’t mentia it

30. Congealed Esophageal Seals – A hardening of the phlegm near the epiglottis. Only dangerous if you like to breathe air.

31. Drug-resistant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos – A serious addiction that makes the opioid crisis look like just a bad habit. Frito-Lay has found a way to narcotize the Cheeto in irresistible ways, and this legal crunchy meth has metastasized to the entire country. Forget Red State, Blue State. We’re all Orange States now. Help us. Everything we touch now turns to orange.

32. Epstein-Barr Hyphenation Syndrome – When 2 preening researchers feel they must co-equally share credit for the discovery of some disease.

33. Up Syndrome – What people with Down Syndrome suffer from in Australia.

34. Diphtheria – An old timey disease noted mostly for being the only word to have the letters “p-h-t-h” appear consecutively

35. Molly Ringworm – aka: Brat Pack Fever. Remedy is to burn it away with St. Elmo’s Fire.

36. Aunt Candy’s Type 32 Diabetes – Just when you thought there were enough flavors of insulin deficiency, good ole Aunt Candy (aka Doctor Candy Winsome, Chief of Serum Illnesses at Johns Hopkins) discovers another.

37. Johns Hopkins Excessive Pluralization Syndrome – A strange disease where ones can’t stops pluralizings

38. Erotic Aneurysm – Like an aortic aneurysm except it makes you horny. In men it hardens arteries. In women, let’s just say things get real slippery, real fast.

39. Liquid Patty Melt – When Patricia Arquette’s ice sculpture is reduced to a puddle

40. Raining Cats and Dogs – You know it’s happening when you step in a poodle and say “Me, oww!”

41. Kinda Off the Rails Here – What’s it like being you, reading me?

42. Narcissistic Indulgences – Are there any other kind? When you believe all memes are really about MeMe MeMe MeMe memes.

43. ♫He Was Strumming My Pain with Atari♫ – Killing Me Softly With His Pong

44. Make up your own illness and post it here! I’m sick of this.

Things that Have a 0% Probability of Happening

1. Attending a Patti LaBelle concert and she does NOT perform “Lady Marmalade.”
2. Attending a Pointer Sisters concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
3. Attending a Van Halen concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
4. Attending a Cardi B concert.
5. Attending a Tom Petty concert (l know, too soon).
6. Cultivating and sustaining God consciousness while still in the human form. And yet Aunt Becky supposebly does, why I can’t? And I know, I said supposebly and “why I can’t.” It just proves my point.
7. Patti LaBelle’s dressing room having bowls of Funyuns.
8. Arriving at places early (I know, too soon).

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing and text

Hollywood Exposed

Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio with their make up off.

No photo description available.

Hardiman Reinvents the Wheel

Wrong Wheel.

When Popular Mechanics magazine said, “You don’t need to reinvent the wheel,” he did it anyway. Mr. Hardiman ignored their calls for circular restraint and thought “outside the circumference” in reimagining the millennial old rolling disk. Drawing from the highest spiritual concepts available, Mr. Hardiman revolutionized the wheel by imbuing it with “the path of least resistance.” A creed perfectly suited to tire design. His new wheel rolls like it’s in a completely frictionless environment – like the atmosphere in a Stepford household. This wheel is so advanced, it’s always rolling downhill – both ways.

 

Right wheel.

In perfecting the Holy Grail of geometric shapes he made it so round, so firm and so fully packed he didn’t know whether to roll it or to smoke it, so he did both and achieved a naturally perfect roundness last seen in the butt cheeks of Kim Kardashian (from what I’m told). Hardiman’s reinvented wheel is rounder, rollier and immaculately circular. How did he achieve the new wheel’s dynamic rollability?

 

Hardiman Explains

Similarly to decisions in the field of case law which contradict precedent cases of settled law, I just intuitively believed felt that the wheel was not a “settled invention.” It could be improved upon, if not reinvented altogether. I further postulated that since the root of all suffering is desire, I would remove that bugaboo from the equation for the circumference (C) of a circle by rewriting it from: C = 2 π r.  To: C = (2 π r – desire). Right there with a few nimble hieroglyphs, I excised the suffering, smoothed things out and imbued the wheel with the path of least resistance. Simple really.    

 

What’s Next?

After reinventing the wheel Mr. Hardiman takes on the napkin, sliced bread and those little desiccant packets you find in clothing. Then again, tinkering with these cultural mainstays would probably mean taking the path of most resistance.

Least Useful Car Options

How to complicate life: Make it seem beneficial to fill your tires with 100% nitrogen instead of regular air which is already 78% nitrogen. Not a difference maker.

This list is inspired by real life events: My new Honda’s tires were filled with nitrogen. True. There are many advantages to this option they say, but the only one I can think of is as an inspiration for this list. I wish tires were filled with helium so cars would weigh less. Hmmm…must tweet Elon Musk about this. In any event, here are some other options of equal or lesser value:

  1. Ear-Piercing Back up Beeper – Back up with all the self-importance of a cement truck. With this “Can You Hear Me Now” feature they’ll make way for you even if you are driving a dinky little Corolla. 
  2. Urn Holders – More than just an ash-tray. Take your loved ones with you wherever you go. Perched just above the window, your cindered loved ones will appreciate peering out to see what they’ve been missing. Rhino horn holders also available.
  3. Intermittent Braking: This feature randomly disables the regular brakes thereby allowing drivers the heart-stopping thrill of trying to locate the emergency brake in a hurry.
  4. Rear Stabilizer Bar – Serves Beer and Wine to passengers in rear. If under 21 Rear Stabilizer Bar also serves Capri Sun juice pouches.
  5. Blackout Windshield – Available only to instrument-rated drivers driving in IFR conditions
  6. Self-Driving Miss Daisy Car – Driverless car answers commands in Morgan Freeman’s voice. At the end of each ride, we all understand each other more deeply.
  7. Glove Box Lobster Tank – Make every excursion feel like you’re going to the Red Lobster. Must have waterproof registration and waterproof of insurance.
  8. Frontview mirrors – The perfect companion piece to rearview mirrors. Allows driver to turn around, look behind into a mirror, to see what’s in front of them. Helpful when you tire of just sitting and looking straight ahead. Note: This option is more of a conversation piece than anything else. Must be a complete idiot to actually use it.
  9. X-rated Transmission Hump – Talk about racy. This adults’ only hump comes in two styles: Missionary and Doggy.
  10. Ice Bucket Challenge Seats – A different kind of bucket seat. When you least expect it a shower of ice cubes pours down from the headliner. Comes in handy when feeling drowsy. Also supports ALS sufferers, although no one knows exactly how.
  11. Phone Tree Announcement Changer – Ties in with iPhone and allows caller to erase the stupid part of the announcement that says, “If this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 9-1-1.” Also removes the “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.” Very satisfying.
  12. 130-gallon Windshield Washer Reservoir – Fill it once and forget it. Adds a road-hugging 1000 lbs. of liquid ballast while lowering the vehicle’s center of gravity. Even in the windiest of conditions, never again worry about tipping over.
  13. Heated Spare Tire – Some say it’s frivolous, but who doesn’t like a nice toasty donut.
  14. Glass-Bottom Car – AKA The Reverse Sunroof. Instead of a window on the world above, you can now get a window on the world below. A clear acrylic sheet across the floorboards allows you to watch the world rush by under your feet. This way you can drive and keep your eyes on the road.
  15. Pumpkin Spice Gas Cap – Who says petrol and squash aroma don’t mix?
  16. Oval Tires – Great for evening out the most obtrusive of speed bumps. Guarantees your kids will be born dizzy.
  17. Tom Carvel’s gravelly voice narrates the onboard GPS – Google him or substitute Harvey Fierstein if you’d like.
  18. Old School Anti-ABS – This Anti Anti-Lock brake System removes the ABS requirement and allows you to “Make Breaking Great Again.” No more “so-called” controlled stops with this feature. Once you slam on the brakes you’re skidding till you stop, just like God intended.
  19. Light Indicating Low Self-Esteem – The ultimate idiot light. If you’re insecure enough to purchase this option, then it deserves to stay on.
  20. Digestive Gas Gauge – This digestive aid tells you exactly how much gas is in your system, or if you’re just full of sh*t. Must purchase companion “Slim-Fit” anal probe.
  21. Fluid Level Cluster – Tells you exactly how much fluid is in your Bladder and whether you can make it to the next stop.
  22. Engine-mounted Panini Maker – Leave hungry and arrive at your destination with a grilled Ham & Brie sandwich courtesy this feature that smartly presses a sandwich between the bottom of hood and top of engine manifold. Grill marks are etched to perfection. Think of it as a huge carbon footprint Panini maker.
  23. Get the Option that never stops tinkling: Roof Mounted Wind Chimes. Make your vehicle a New Age Dreamboat. Who doesn’t like to tinkle?
  24. Specialized 20-speaker Audio system that just listens. Then it empathizes and eventually counsels you on ways to overcome life’s obstacles. Must combine with self-esteem gauge.
  25. Run Flat Goulash-filled Tires – Can substitute Tuna Noodle Casserole. Nitrogen not available.
  26. Seats Treated with FartGard – Drive comfortably with greater peace of cheeks with this TMI feature. If you fart into it, it farts back. It detects, calculates and displays total number of farts in all seats and their relative humidity upon initial discharge. Again, more than you want to know, and it might make you queasy, but please, if you are experiencing a medical emergency, stop reading and call 9-1-1.

Fight the Power: Americans Against Unwelcomed Name Changes of Major Cities

Good Bye Chicken Kiev, Hello Fowl Kyiv?

Sign of the Times

If you’re like me (which I doubt very highly) you’ve noticed a slow-building and insidious trend in the renaming of major global cities. Cartographers are calling this syndrome Global Conforming. This sop to the signage industry began with the ancient city of Peking, which overnight in the 70’s became Beijing, thereby eliminating Peking Duck as my go-to Chinese restaurant order (Under no circumstances will I ever order Beijing Duck). Then Bombay, India decided it couldn’t deal with its pleasingly exotic name and renames itself Mumbai. Mumbai – which sounds like you’re trying to say “Monday” with a mouthful of Novocain. Not a good look India. Or a good sound either. So now Bombay Sapphire becomes Mumbai Sapphire? Nope. I’m not drinking that jungle juice.

 

As an American against the unwelcomed name changing of major cities or (AAUNCMC), I propose we turn back the fonts of time to the way things should be. And that brings me to Kiev, Ukraine. Kiev was a national capital when dinosaurs walked the Earth (not really, but you get the point). Why in tarnation, or in any nation, has Kiev suddenly (and without permission) become Kyiv? Really? So long Chicken Kiev. Hello Fowl Kyiv. Johnny Cougar back to John Mellencamp – that I get. But this politically correct urban renaming is done with all the clinical sterility of a Stepford wife doing laundry. To me these unilateral name changes should be called what they are: The Signage Industry Full Employment Act. Read the rest of this entry »

New Year’s Resolution: To Transcend These Things that Bother Me

  1. Cut it out.

    I’m living in fear that Jeopardy! does not have a succession plan for Alex Trebek. I’ll take Worry for $2000 Alex.

  2. Same for “Wheel” and Pat. And don’t get me started on Vanna. That chick is 62 years old now. She’s been turning heads and letters for over 30 years now*. * I know, I know. She only touches the letters now.
  3. I’m bothered that in Spain they speak Spanish not Spainish
  4. I hear vegan Spaniards speak Spinach – at least those are the sounds they “produce.”
  5. In France they speak French when they should speak Franch
  6. In the Flemish region of Belgium they speak Mucous and the sidewalks are covered in it.
  7. Speaking of speaking; at Gallaudet University they speak sign language without saying a word. When they want to scream they wear all CAPS. I mean they all wear caps.
  8. I’m bothered that the Philippines is populated by Filipinos not Philippinos. How does Ph change to F?
  9. The original bother: The whole 2 Darrin’s thing on Bewitched is still fresh in my mind. They think they can just replace a husband and not say anything. Just twitch your nose Samantha and order up a new husband. I’m still scarred.
  10. I wonder if I lose my mind, what I’ll have left. This list probably. Hey wait a minute.
  11. We act like we know everything when we should be saying, “I know that I know nothing.” Pinched this gem from Plato and for this I’m not really bothered.
  12. Why is Peking now Beijing? Peking worked fine for 700 years. And yet restaurants still call it Peking Duck.
  13. Bombay has become Mumbai. And yet top shelf bottles are still called Bombay Sapphire.
  14. I only need 1 out of 10 letters sent to me. Maybe Vanna can turn back the other 9 letters.
  15. Realizing that we’re all living on just the “crust” of the Earth makes me feel insignificant. What will my epitaph be? “I trod around on the outside of a big piece of toast till I died. Now I’m buried in one of its nooks and crannies.”
  16. That Walter White is now just Bryan Cranston. That’s a really Bad Break.
  17. If there’s one prevailing force pervading everything, why are there so many religions trying to describe it? I wish people would stop practicing their religions and just perform them. With all the practice they should know what to do by now.
  18. Denali was Mt. McKinley now it’s back to Mt. Denali. What about the Nile? Will it now become Denial?
  19. John Mellencamp was a Cougar now he’s a fruit (a mellen?). Oh bring back my Johnny to me.
  20. These lists bother me. I think it’s preventing me from self-actualizing or something. Well at least I’m drawn to the unruffled sangfroid of Matthew McConaughey, so obviously there’s been some growth on my part.
  21. Jennifer Aniston was jilted by Brad Pitt and is now the world’s oldest 26 year old. Yeah I’m bothered why I age and she doesn’t. Note to self: Must start putting Aveeno on my Corn Flakes.
  22. Since we’re talking about Brad Pitt’s ex-girlfriends, I suppose I should now say something about Gwyneth Paltrow. But I won’t. I’m already knee deep in this Goop.
  23. And don’t get me started on Angelina Jolie – a restraining order already prevents that.
  24. The word “empty” should be spelled “mt”. There’s no clarity anywhere. I feel so, so, so mt.
  25. Pluto is no longer a planet. Who has the right to demote a planet? I understand Pluto has adopted a symbol and is referring to itself as “the planet formerly known as Pluto.” And yes, I’m bothered by this. Oh, like you’re not.
  26. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the absence of Mother Theresa enough
  27. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the presence of the Dalai Lama enough
  28. Bill Cosby seemed like such a nice man. But I should’ve known something was up when he shamelessly promoted New Coke.
  29. There are a lot of people who were never caught doing really bad stuff; and they may even be doing it now. Then again I hear God does sort them out later, so in some sense I’m not really too bothered by supposedly unpunished Earthly indiscretions.
  30. I’m bothered that everyone isn’t more like Mr. Rogers. If everyone was like Mr. Rogers, I could finally be a bad ass. Well, maybe not a bad ass, but at least feared more than PBS travel writer Rick Steves.
  31. I’m bothered that we’re not supposed to be distracted drivers and yet municipalities allow glitzy outdoor billboards to timeshare between (for example) SPCA warnings and Wheel of Fortune ads. Causing me to at first wince at the cruelty to animals and then (once the timeshare switches) turn my head back to see what Vanna is wearing. Oh, I can’t text (fair enough), but you can keep my eyes off the road in the name of commercialism.
  32. I’m bothered that I’m up to number 34 now and the Prozac is having absolutely no effect on me. I wonder why it was labeled “Lipitor.”
  33. <Putting myself in timeout. I need a break. You need a break.>
  34. I’m back and I’m running a temperature so now I’m hot and bothered.
  35. I’m bothered that I misunderstood what celibacy meant and so for 45 years I never played sax.
  36. And through this cathartic process of enumerating perturbations, discomfitures and whiny little misgivings, I’m cured. Thank you for listening. My New Year’s Resolutions are resolved. I’ll see you next year with a new, more elevated list: Why it’s All Good, Even When It Doesn’t Appear to Be All Good.

“Global Boring” Threatens Social Cohesion

Global Boring thwarts throats from warbling small talk. Can we survive it?

A United Nations report warns that Social Climate Change is drying up reservoirs of small talk faster than they can be refilled. This drought of amiable conversation has forced some chit-chat-challenged countries to opt out of small talk altogether, leaving their muzzled citizenry speechless. As more nations begin pulling the plug on small talk, it has created an unsustainable social climate of too many tight-lipped wallflowers clamming-up at too few social events. Anthropologists have named this dreary and dangerous planetary condition Global Boring. What was once an easy and friendly, “Hey, what’s up? How you doin’?” has morphed into a pained and stilted “Your separateness disturbs me. Please leave.” 

A worldwide drought of basic chit-chat has landed small talk on the endangered speechies list. It’s sad to think homo sapiens have devolved from erect and engaging conversationalists into slack-jawed text monkeys. If the current rate of stilted conversation continues, social scientists predict small talk will be extinct by 2050 and will be replaced by a few symbolic emojis expressing everything from “Excuse me good sir, may I use your chamber pot” to “Y’know a lint trap is just Banana Republic’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a new shirt.”

The only place small talk remains unchanged is in the bedroom, where the immortal exclamation of “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” is still breathlessly expressed as “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” This time-honored pledge of allegiance to each other, is indivisible; with liberty and just-ass for all. Read the rest of this entry »