“So Shall Distancing” be Enforced?

1. Siamese twins unable to comply with state’s social distancing order. They say the order is creating a lot of unnecessary division.
2. Headless horseman issued waiver to give rides says, “I’m just trying to stay a head of the game.”
3. State Wildlife Agency orders baby possums to be a little less clingy and follow the example of well-behaved baby ducks.
4. Predictably, half of schizophrenics are unable to comply with state’s social distancing order saying, “You know if it was up to me I would, but try telling that to me.”
5. Milton-Bradley to offer new socially distanced Twister played on a half-acre plastic mat.
6. State orders dragstrip closed. All races are now ZOOMing.
7. Survey shows prisoners in solitary confinement were never healthier, happier.
8. All 3-Legged races canceled unless all 3 legs belongs to one person.
9. Guru in India who’s been exhaling for nine months, an “inspiration” to many. A grateful nation says, “We’re all just holding our breath hoping he can continue.”
10. Man in iron lung is nicknamed Rusty. He’s not happy, but recognizes the iron-y.
11. Homemade cranberry sauce is not hard to make and a welcomed addition to any Thanksgiving feast. There is no kid’s table this year. Instead, everyone gets their own table. As a joke, when someone says, “Pass the rolls please,” tell them, “OK, I just had one, it will take me about 24 hours.” And finally, remember: As ye sow, social ye distance.

Rejected Monopoly Editions

  1. “I can’t come over tonight. I have mono, Polly.”

    Chernobyl Monopoly – Only board game that has a half-life. When parents got wind of this radioactive edition they had a meltdown.

  2. Titanic Monopoly – This version was a disaster. (Thanks for groaning)
  3. Beatles Monopoly – This one was actually Fab! So many great places to land on: Abbey Road, Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields. Favorite game piece? – You guessed it: the Yellow Submarine.
  4. Garden of Eden Monopoly – This version was tempting. Very, very tempting. In the end everyone is thrown out of the Garden just for having a little fun. It made no sense then. It makes no sense now.  
  5. BLM Monopoly – Not the BLM you think. This BLM (the Bureau of Land Management) thought it might be fun to supervise federal lands on a Monopoly board. Fail. It was a bored game.
  6. NRA Monopoly – Again, not what you think. The other NRA – the National Restaurant Association – created this game, but diners had their reservations about it.
  7. Native American Monopoly – People also had their reservations about this game too. Indian reservations. The Indian game pieces were outnumbered by the cavalry game pieces 4 to 1. Game always ends with the Indian pieces being forcibly moved to one little reservation between Indiana and Kentucky Avenues. This left nothing to Chance.
  8. Hurricanopoly – This version just blew. And blew and blew and blew.
  9. Hooveropoly – Unlike Hurricanopoly, this version sucked
  10. Napoleon Blownaparte – This is what happened when Napoleon sat on a bomb? (I know. Not a Monopoly game, but all Monopoly and no Napoleon makes David a dull boy…OK a duller boy)
  11. Bibleopoly – Just like the real Bible, the instructions are so domineering (Thou shalt not Pass Go, Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s thimble) that people didn’t like being told how to behave.
  12. Palindrome Monopoly – Too unstructured. Players could move forward or backwards. And of course everybody wanted to be the racecar because racecar spelled backwards is still racecar.
  13. Eastern Standard Time Monopoly – Creators of this version marketed it with the tagline: “Play Monopoly like it’s whatever time it is in New York City in winter.” Oooh, pinch me. A Greenwich Mean Time Version was no more exciting.
  14. Pornopoly – Why did the instructions say Pornopoly should only be played on Wednesdays?
  15. Polly-wanna-opoly – This game was for the birds.
  16. Homeopathy – Not a board game at all, but a natural healing method of caring for one’s self. And do take the time to care for yourself – everyone. Happy Thanksgiving.

Bucket List…in Reverse: Things I NEVER Hope to Do Before I Die

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

  1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
  2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
  3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
  4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
  5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
  6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
  7. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
  8. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
  9. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
  10. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
  11. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
  12. Walk on Hot Coals
  13. Walk on Warm Coals
  14. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
  15. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
  16. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
  17. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
  18. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
  19. See any of my internal organs
  20. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
  21. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
  22. Be assigned a probation officer
  23. See Donald Trump naked
  24. See Kate Upton clothed
  25. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
  26. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
  27. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
  28. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
  29. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
  30. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
  31. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
  32. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

21 Sentences I Never Want to Hear Spoken to Me

  1. The picture (of me) doesn’t always have to dovetail with the story. Sometimes a picture is just a picture. 

    We’re not happy about it up here in the cockpit either folks. But sometimes airplanes just run out of fuel.

  2. We think it’s best to leave the arrow in till we get to a hospital
  3. When’s your due date?
  4. I didn’t know it was loaded. Big toes are overrated anyway.
  5. Just 24 more reincarnations and you’ll be able to move on to the next level.
  6. The good news is that you’re a person of interest. The bad news is that the police are the ones saying it.
  7. You’re kinda cute. (if Mike Tyson said it)
  8. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody you’re an ABBA fan.
  9. David honey, the YMCA called. They said your loincloths are in. What’s that all about?
  10. Well you did draw the short straw and we have been stranded for 3 weeks.
  11. According to 23 and Me you’re not related to anyone in your family.
  12. No Mrs. Hardiman, these coffins are soundproof. Even if he was alive you couldn’t hear him.
  13. I think the lava flow is gaining on us. Your shoelaces are on fire.
  14. OK, now I can tell you. It was 100% elephant placenta.
  15. You’re lucky Mr. Hardiman. It’s the “good” kind of sucking chest wound.
  16. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve got toilet paper on both shoes.
  17. You’re kinda cute. (if Mike Pence said it)
  18. You got an F- Mr. Hardiman. And it was graded on a curve
  19. Well at least you still have the one leg.
  20. Your concern is noted. And you’re right, our hot air balloon should be big and puffy. But sometimes hot air balloons just run out of fuel.
  21. Peter at the Pearly Gates: If it was up to me you know I’d let you in. But I don’t make those decisions. I’m just a bouncer with wings.

Support Your Local Bookstore By Buying These New Titles

  1. Brick and mortar books: More expensive, less convenient and just as satisfying as ebooks, audibles or kindles. Buy them anyway.

    Schizophrenia: Two Views

  2. It’s Sheila: On Discovering the Name of the Horse You Rode through the Desert on. Y’know, the One You Thought Had No Name
  3. Too Short for the Low-hanging Fruit: The Kevin Hart Story
  4. Schoolroom Horror Avoided: My English Teacher Wants Me to Use “Intoxicants,” But Only in a Sentence. Phew!
  5. Schoolroom Revelation: It’s Not the School I hate. It’s the Principal of the Thing
  6. Why Can’t All Pools Just Be Heated for Christ’s Sake?
  7. God’s Broken System of Reincarnation: On Coping with People Who Were Cows or Other Livestock in Their Last Lifetime.
  8. Feelin’ Very Caucasian: The Mike Pence Story
  9. You Can’t Get There from Here: On Pushing String and Planting Cut Flowers
  10. “Ha Ha. Look Everybody. Breana Says She’s This Many Fingers”: Fighting Ageism in Toddlers
  11. How My Sister and I Became Attached at the Hip: On Choosing to Become Conjoined Twins
  12. Ice Cream Truck Jingles You Never Forget: Sweet Baby Jesus I Beg You, Get Them Out My Head!
  13. Epileptic Fit Bit: Least Loved Wheel of Fortune “Before and Afters”
  14. The Great American Navel
  15. I’m So Dumb and I Don’t Even Know It: Admitting You’re Stupid is the First Step on the Road to Recovery
  16. “Van Gogh”: What Babies Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away
  17. Life: A Preexisting Condition Covered Only by the Sky
  18. One Can + One Can = Toucan: The Story of Kellogg’s Froot Loops
  19. “Cargo”: What Babies of Federal Express Employees Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away
  20. Thinner: The David Hardiman Story
  21. Thinner: What I Use to Dilute Oil-based Paints
  22. Thinner: How People with Lisps Pronounce “sinner”
  23. “Escargot”: What French Babies Say When the Dodge Caravan Drives Away

Top Ten Most Popular Items Sold at the Dollar Tree

  1. No-Ply Toilet Paper – For eco-friendly people with time, and other stuff, on their hands.
  2. Rescue Hamsters – Only $1 a dozen. Remember: The difference between a hamster and a gerbil is that a hamster has more dark meat.
  3. Sorta Depends – Sorta work for the sorta incontinent
  4. One Cheek Fanny Cleaner – Another half-ass product from the Dollar Tree

    Stretch your dollar till you pull a legal tendon at the Dollar Tree.

  5. Shadow Puppets – So flimsy they don’t even cast shadows
  6. Ventriloquist Dummies – Really dumb. Their mouths don’t open. No wonder they only cost a dollar
  7. Reconditioned Kleenex – Pre-owned facial tissues for the phlegmishly frugal
  8. Plant-based Iguana Filets – For those who cannot afford actual iguana filets
  9. Meat-based Plants – Turnabout is fair play. Try the surprisingly affordable Hot Dogwood tree.
  10. Sarah Huckabee’s Beauty Mask – Sold in the Halloween section
  11. Pumpkin Spice Catheters – Combining everything you don’t like, in something you don’t need, for one low price
  12. Bristleless Toothbrush for Denture Wearers – Brush like no one’s watching. At least I hope not.

Failed Candy Bars

  1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
  2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
  3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
  4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
  5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
  6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it

    So many cavities. So little time.

  7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
  8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
  9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
  10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
  11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
  12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
  13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
  14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
  15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
  16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
  17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
  18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
  19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
  20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
  21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
  22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
  23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
  24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
  25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
  26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
  27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
  28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
  29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
  30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
  31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
  32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
  33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
  34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
  35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
  36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
  37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
  38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
  39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
  40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
  41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place

 

A Heartwarming and Redeemable Deceit

When You Least Expect It

This spaceship-looking structure was home to Syracuse University Basketball from 1964 to 1980 and was the scene of a great juvenile escapade.

My friend Gary DeBaise and I are bosom buddies in the Norman Rockwell sense of the term. We grew up 2 years and 2 unspectacular houses apart in the solidly middle-class section of Eastwood in Syracuse, NY. We bonded over many shared interests: sports, girls and disbelief at the behavior of others. Our bond was further cemented when our parents both got divorced at roughly the same time in the early 70s. We were constant and curious friends; wondering what the hell we were doing in these bodies, but not philosophic enough to squander the opportunity to operate them in ways perhaps unintended by their creator. In the gentlest of ways we’d conspire, scheme and execute the most notoriously benign skullduggery kids can devise.

The kind of trouble we got into would warrant a stern talking to, or maybe the frowning of a lifetime – if we ever got caught (which we never did). Some of our exploits (immature shenanigans to some, bold feats to us) were suitable for a Steven Spielberg juvenile buddy film entitled something like EGT: The Extra Goonie Terrestrials. Our escapades were brilliantly hatched and stealthily executed operations, undertaken with Hogan Heroes’ precision, MacGyver savvy and Bondian sangfroid. Well, all that and maybe a dash of Wile E Coyote miscalculation. One time we repurposed (some might call it stealing) 24 wooden 2 by 4’s stored in an open shed in the backyard of a neighbor. Risk was minimized by undertaking the mission at 2 o’clock in the morning during a new moon. We dubbed this daring little act of espionage Operation: It’s Just Sitting There, Denny Dimwit Isn’t Using It and Besides We Need It for Our Fort. You don’t pull off this level of larceny unless you’ve got your neighborhood sh*t dialed in. And in that rotary age we had it very dialed in.  Read the rest of this entry »

Faustian Bargain Struck: Truths I Must Publicly Admit to, in Order to Gain Entrance Into Heaven

 

I David Hardiman, being of mind and body, and in order to become heaven-worthy, do hereby declare, stipulate and admit the following:

  1. I believe a corn maize is redundant
  2. I Try to be Humble: I only use the word “oomph” only when I want to speak with pizzazz.
  3. I believe it’s important to “dance like no one’s watching.” And I believe this is doubly important when it comes to showering.

    This is one of the toughest gated communities to get into and I need all the help I can to access it.

  4. Cheap Thrills: I admit I have chewed aluminum foil just to experience the low-level tingle of voltage running through my teeth. This measly oral quiver also works by connecting the poles of a 9-volt battery with your tongue
  5. I secretly hope that Yahoo! purchases Yoo-Hoo. You do too?
  6. I once made the mistake of staying at a hotel whose sign read: “Mucous-friendly.” It’s snot true. Really
  7. I admit I once hacked into the Denny’s wireless ordering system and ordered 50 Cheese Omelets. I then nonchalantly walked in just to watch them scramble.
  8. I used to pray with my fingers crossed. These days I pray with my eyes crossed
  9. I shamefully admit, I’ve gone to an AM/PM mini market…just to buy my dinner. Who doesn’t like one (or more) of those high-mileage hot dogs rotated to perfection? Dinner at an AM/PM mini market is kind of like eating at a filling station (a restaurant) within a filling station (a gas station).
  10. I’ve both given and received loincloths as gifts. Heck, when I walk my dog we each wear one. That’s why when traveling I always look for “Loincloth-friendly” hotels. It’s true I’m not trying to cover up anything.
  11. I’ve gnever gnawed gnocchi. Gnot once. Who gnu?
  12. Confused Senses: I have a special talent: I’m a non-lip reader. Without ever looking at someone’s lips I can understand exactly what they’re saying, just by listening. Strangely enough I can only understand sign language by listening to the person next to them speak the words they’re signing. And when I try to explain this to language signers, it falls on deaf ears. Maybe it’s because I wear a mask now and they can only read lips.
  13. Everything I ever needed to learn, I learned in…oh, wait, I still haven’t learned everything I’ve needed to learn
  14. I marvel at how rearranging letters in a certain pattern causes people to think of what the words symbolize. It’s like some kind of code or something. I understand principle, but I don’t know how it works.
  15. I spend too much time wondering what a Caitlyn Jenner gender reveal party would be like
  16. When I dine out at a fancy restaurant (other than an AM/PM mini market) I invariably order the “charcuterie.” Not because I like charcuterie, but because I feel so smugly continental when I say, “Ah yes garcon, I’ll start with the charcuterie and then perhaps a nice nom de plume, with a side of eminence grise and noblesse oblige
  17. I admit, that in a recently created “Faustian Bargain” list I’ve used the term nom de plume and have not really known what I meant: My pen name is Daveed Hardrama and I approved this message
  18. I’ve eaten lunch by going to Costco and getting in line 3 times at the free samples stations. Costco is known for its filling stations…and they sell gas there too.
  19. People have asked me why I dance in front of my bathroom mirror? And the simple answer is, “Because it’s too hard to dance behind my bathroom mirror. And anyway, how did you know I was dancing in front of my bathroom mirror? Now I’m going to have to dance like someone is Damn you!”
  20. If at the drive-thru I’m shortchanged an order of fries, I sure as hell circle back, alert them to their error, and get made whole. If, on the other hand, I’ve mistakenly received an extra cheeseburger, well, I don’t really need to stand on principle do I? And I drive away with my bun-filled bonanza.
  21. I once walked across a troubled bridge over serene water – Simon says
  22. I can recite all 17 alphanumerics in my VIN#. I know. Pretty good right? And I easily accomplish this when I’m reading it right off the registration.
  23. Every time I try to go egg candling, I always end up glass blowing instead. You too? It’s the same with my volunteer work. Every time I start to drive down to volunteer at the soup kitchen, I wind up at Figaro’s Bistro in front of a charcuterie plate with a side of nom de plume. I’m hoping it’s the thought that counts here.
  24. I admit I have tried a combover – but it wasn’t on my head.
  25. (If this admission doesn’t get me into heaven, nothing will) When I was a teenager and no one was home, under cover of darkness I used to get naked, sneak out the back door and see how far I could get from the house before my inner voice warned “This is not a good time to be running through the neighbors’ backyards buck naked. Since when did Mr. Johnson get a motion detector spot light? I feel like a prisoner trapped in the yard. And why couldn’t the widow Jenkins pick-up just some of Fido’s poop. Smushy, smushy, smushy. If I’m caught this will not look good on a police blotter or my resume for that matter. But this being the mid-70’s my defense would be, ‘I was sleepstreaking’.”
  26. I once had my ear lobes pressurized to 30 lbs. psi so I could float down the Erie Canal. It was a very eerie Erie ear experience, but I lobed it.Although I don’t have a prehensile tail, I do have prehensile nostrils. It’s snot true. And whenever Frank Sinatra had a cold he was called Frank Snot True.
  27. I think the entire premise of this piece could use a little more oomph. Maybe Wonka can spare some Oompa Loompas.

Me:    OK Guardian Angel. I held up my end of the bargain, can I get into heaven now?

Guardian Angel: Well David don’t you know? You’re already in heaven?

Me:    You mean I didn’t have to admit any of that stuff?

Guardian Angel: That’s right Dorothy. You were there all along.

Me: Now listen here angel behind the curtain – first of all, you can just stop with the Wizard of Oz reference and second of all, If you’ve ever had a dog throw up into your mouth like I have (details available upon request), you’ll always feel like you’re playing with house money. So the jokes on you.  

Magazines for Micro-niche Markets

 

  1. Ultra-Marathon Runner – Voted best marathon magazine 5 years running

    Relics from an analogue age. Pardon my Gutenberg.

  2. Con Appetit – Eat just like a convict with this sister publication to Bon Appetit. Try all these gruel and unusual recipes and you’ll be asking for, “More Sir!” Recipes include:
    1. A Salted and Battered Chicken
    2. Prisoner Pot Pie
    3. Felonious Monk…Fish
    4. Perpetrator Pepper Sprayed Tater Tots
    5. Maybe It’s Peanut Butter, Maybe It’s Not
  3. Stair Master Magazine – Offers tips on mastering its sobering 32,000 Step Program. Remember, the first step to getting in shape is admitting you don’t have a Stair Master.
  4. Stare Master Monthly – Stare like nobody’s watching. Master the Stare Master’s no-step program. This Zen-like periodical deals with focusing on a single object so intently you become the object you’re staring at. A figure-ground reversal for the ages. Caution: Do not attempt this with Picasso paintings.
  5. Architects’ Digest – Sister publication to Architectural Digest. It’s more gastronomically oriented than design oriented. This high-gloss, 4-color publication endoscopically tracks the movement of foodstuffs through the alimentary canals of noted architects – from mastication to defecation, it’s all about the journey in this no holes barred gastrozine
  6. Vanity Good – A less literary version of Vanity Fair marketed to a “more better class of reader.”
  7. Advanced Web Design – Not for humans, but for spiders looking for new web-based layouts instead of the boring old preprogrammed genetic ones we’re all too familiar with. An advice column advises spiders how to cope with systemic arachnophobia.
  8. Popular Mechanics II – Celebrating well-liked laborers and other popular mechanics.
  9. Field & Stream II – Focuses on how Sally Field is coping with her streaming services.
  10. Chair Massage Monthly – For sedentary people who want to “give back” to their chairs. Why someone would want to massage their chair is beyond me, but, apparently many chairs yearn to have their arms, legs, chairbacks and even seats massaged. I know I like my seat massage, so I won’t sit in judgment of chairs. What’s next? Bread massage. Who kneads that?
  11. Who’s a Good Boy? magazine – Sister publication to Well Yes You Are. It’s a magazine claiming to be designed by dogs for dogs, but you can see the American Kennel Club’s paw prints all over this puppy. Dog POV articles include:
    1. If the Tables Were Turned I’d Gladly Scoop My Master’s Poop
    2. Overcoming the Stigma of Dog Shaming
    3. If Only Hitler was Given a Puppy Instead of a Swastika, Things Would’ve Been a Lot Different
  12. Slow Fly magazine – This very limited appeal periodical offers emotional support to sluggish flies who, through no fault of their own, fly very, very slowly and are likely doomed to a life of an early flattening. Phlegmatic flies are identified early (usually in the maggot stage) and told this publication is their last best hope to cope. Articles include: How I Survived a SWAT Team and the truculent So yeah, I’m in the buttermilk. Go shoo yourself.
  13. 4-Ply Toilet Paper Gazette – A magazine geared to rich assh*les. It bills itself as “Soft as a kittens belly.” At the Charmin Softness Awards Ceremony, 4-Ply Toilet Paper managed a clean sweep of all honors – and as we all know, a clean sweep is a rarity for this kind of thing.
  14. Recycled Towel Magazine – This old rag has been wiping up the competition for years with absorbing stories wrung from the fabric of society…OK. I’ll just stop there.
  15. Invisible People Magazine – A magazine for the faceless masses who subscribe to it – the Silent and Unseen Majority. This publication has a short shelf life because it’s written in disappearing ink. The cartoon page is boffo. Shows a busy doctor informing his nurse, “Tell the invisible man I can’t possibly see him today.” And the whole time the invisible patient is standing right there…completely naked.
  16. Bedsore Illustrated – Sports Illustrated rude attempt to parlay their success in the sporting field into the medical field. The February swimsuit edition was a disaster. And after many reader complaints, the scratch and sniff page was discontinued.
  17. Fine Print AficionadoFor people who think small
  18. AARP for Kids – For the pre-retirement demographic of ages 0-12. Prepares youngsters for a rigorous life of early bird dinners, entitlement programs, reverse mortgages and participation trophies in the form of senior discounts you’ve earned simply because you can still fog a mirror. Inaugural issue has Shawn Mendes on the cover. Yeah, I didn’t know who he was either till I Googled him.
  19. Microwave Aficionado – Again, not what you think. This specialized publication glorifies, celebrates and demonstrates methods of very tiny handwaving.
  20. Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Magazine – Originally published as: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Magazine. For some reason this publication melts in your mouth, not in your hands. Anyway if you’re considering subscribing – Just Do It.
  21. Playman…of a Certain Age – Playboy publication geared for older men. The centerfold is really hard to unfold, like those produce bags at the grocery store. Articles include: How do I Know if She’s Blonde or Brunette if All Her Hair is Gray? And Do Walk-in Bathtubs Ruin the Mood?
  22. Playlady…of a Certain Age – A Playboy publication for women who no longer have to worry about birth control. Features include: How to Gently Suggest to Your Partner It’s Time for a Scrotal Bra and What to Do When the Grandkids Find the Vibrator
  23. Highlights for Dull Normals – A simplified version of Highlights for Children. Sections include: Which Hand is Missing Thumb? and Should You Take It Personally When a Monkey Throws Feces at You?
  24. Better Huts and Gardens – For the paleo-man who prefers to party like it’s 22,000 BC. This instructive periodical informs natives how to make “grub sushi”, how to hollow out a trre trunk to create a very personal commode and what to do when a beaver overstays its welcome.
  25. Them – A semantic hybrid of Us and People, Them magazine focuses on social alienation because you’re you, and not Them. As always each issue of Them is printed in the 3rd person. 
  26. Tissue Magazine – I have every issue of Tissue ever issued, and if I have an issue with Tissue, it’s that I don’t know if it’s about Kleenex (tissue) or sinew (tissue).
  27. You’re Way Too Interested in My Armpits So Get the Hell Away From Me You Creep…Magazine – Whether your armpits are convex or concave this self-defense publication will keep them right where they belong; safely concealed under your shoulders and away from the prying eyes of armpit fetishists. Articles include:
    1. Vegas Pit Boss Tosses Oglers from Caesar’s Who Were Eyeing Women with Arms Akimbo
    2. Is that Museum Visitor Appreciating the Art or Just Staring at the Venus de Milo’s Armpits?
  28. Pharm Living – This Big Pharma publication highlights methods of improving crop yields through the use of non-FDA approved, Vegetable Enhancing Drugs (VEDs). Articles include:
    1. Garnish Industry Rocked by 80 lb. Radishes and 9-foot Parsley Sprigs
    2. Dwarf Fruit Trees Now Dwarf Regular Fruit Trees
    3. Auto Industry Reports a Bumper Crop of Bumpers
  29. Aviation Hour – Companion publication to Aviation Week. Why wait a whole week for aviation news when you can receive hourly updates stuffed directly into your mailbox? A lifeline for OCD pilots. Subscription comes with a complimentary hangar to store all your magazines delivered every hour 24/7. Largest carbon footprint of anything ever printed.
  30. Amish Life – Addresses such questions as:
    1. Amish Identity Crisis: Am I really “Am” or am I just Am-ish?
    2. Trying to Overcome Horse and Buggy Thinking
    3. Is it Morally Wrong to Eat Until You’re Satisfied?
    4. Amish Exorcisms in Southern Pennsylvania: Untainting a Taint
    5. Does God Want Us to Inhale?
    6. Is Gravity Just Holding Us Down, or is There More to It?
    7. If Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, What’s Tidiness Near?
    8. Helga Participated in a Wet Bonnet Contest, We Must Stone Her?

Magazines That Went Bankrupt and the Reasons Thereof

  1. Origami Magazine – Folded
  2. Weight Watchers Digest – Went belly up
  3. 25% Quarterly – Too Redundant
  4. Modern Slavery – The Civil War
  5. Mad Magazine – The Internet
  6. Thyme Magazine – Herbal copycat never stood a chance
  7. Beast Magazine – Was beauty killed the Beast