1. The earthquake ravaged city of Katmandu in Nepal, has closed down. It will now be renamed Katmandone. It was a noble attempt, but Katmandu is now past tense. In other words, Katmandu is Katmandid, and is now Katmandone.
2. In happier urban news Timbuktu has expanded. It’s now Timbukthree.
3. No changes to Bumf*ck, Idaho, although they did get a new Payday Loan Center where you can get up to 75% on a clean motorcycle title loan. You may also pawn an organ if you currently possess more than one of them.
4. Walla Walla, Washington has two walls in its name and I’m told Mexico paid for both of them.
5. In recognition of its new power supply Washington, DC will now be called Washington, AC. The bisexual area of Washington is still called Washington AC/DC. 
6. After almost 200 years of recovery Wounded Knee, South Dakota will now be called Healed Knee, South Dakota. Wow, talk about a pre-existing condition.
7. And finally, did you hear about the gay Australian? I hear he went back to Sydney.
8. Well what about the lesbian North Carolinian? She went back to Charlotte.
9. And Jojo? He went back to where he once belonged.

In an effort to modernize and remain relevant to an emerging moviegoing demographic, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Sciences added some new and innovative categories this year. In case you missed them I’ve listed them below.

And the Oscar Goes To:

1. Best Undergarment in a Supporting Role – Tie. Dolly Parton’s brassiere and Dwayne Johnson’s jockstrap
2. Best Animated Short Subject – Danny DeVito
3. Most Unforgivable Sin – Aging
4. Best Original Score – That night Frank Sinatra nailed Marilyn Monroe in the back of his Cadillac
5. Best Movie Trailer – The Airstream 5000 (I know, wrong kind of trailer, but so what)
   

   He looks so…I don’t know what the word is…Statuesque.

6. Number of Movies in Which Tommy Lee Jones Appears Youthful – None
7. Movies We Wish Were Silent – Police Academy 4 and Fran Drescher Meets Gilbert Gottfried
8. Best Adapted Dessert from an Original Cookie – Oreos-n-Cream
9. Movies in Which There Are Gay People pre-1970 – None of them. None at all, except for Rock Hudson movies (although we didn’t know it at the time)
10. Best Adapted Screenplay Drawn from an Original Book, Painting or Poem Pertaining to a Cosmically Big Concept Existing Outside of Time that Bespeaks Something About Love or Creation or Some Type of Transcendent Experience That Could Never Really Happen on Earth, But is Made Into Some Indecipherable Movie Anyway that Bombs, but Later Develops a “Cult” Following – Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. Where were we now?
11. Actor with the Longest Fanny Crack – In a surprise: Peter Dinklage
12. Actress with the Deepest Fanny Crack – Rosamund Pike (based solely on scuttlebutt)
13. Worst Adaptation of the Name Susan – In The Godfather. When Vito Corleone’s henchman Luca Brasi tells the Godfather, “I am honored to be invited to your daughter’s wedding. Thank you Don “Susan” Corleone.
14. Worst Play on Words When Louis B Mayer won an Oscar – Making Him an Oscar-Mayer Weiner
15. Best Director – That Amazon guy who directs all those packages to their destination so rapidly and accurately. Whoa – can that guy direct or what! Although I hear what he really wants to do, is act.
16. Best Casting – When Dr. William Bailey reset and splinted Tom Cruise’s broken ulna on the set of Mission Impossible

 

Renamed Categories

17. Best Actor Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Penis
18. Best Actress Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Vagina
19. Best Foreign Film has been renamed: An OK Immigrant Movie Possibly Filmed by Undocumented Cinematographers
20. Best Costume Design has been renamed: Cool Ass Period Clothing by Either a Straight Woman or a Gay Guy

 

Notes: Eligibility for the In Memoriam section has been lowered to include people that are very sick.  

YES! Yes I’m fine. And why is everybody asking me that lately? Just because I write things like:

 

Let Me Be Frank

In the future, when hot dogs can talk, I foresee a very grateful hot dog saying to both his ancestors and his descendants:

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“Thank you. Thank you all. Because without you, I’m just a missing link.”

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I mean that’s sort of punny, write? And I say this with absolute relish, “My condiments to the author.”

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Palm Olive?

Not Over It!

Not Now. Not Ever.

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That Manicurist Madge would allow her client to soak her fingers in Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid, w/o first getting permission, is a professional malpractice and an affront to manicurists everywhere. When a manicurist “takes the smock,” her nail station shall become an altar of glorious grooming and not a den of desiccating detergent. 

And then Madge so callously remarks while working on the poor lady’s other hand, “You know you’re soaking in it?”

The aghast woman erupts, “Dishwashing liquid!”

Madge: “Relax, it’s Palmolive.”

Relax my ass. I want Madge’s license pulled.

This was not the hand job the client paid for. There’s nothing worse than a shoddy hand job. I should know.

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What’s next? Letting little fish eat the debris off your feet?

Readers to Me: Actually they do, do that with the fish Dave.

Dave: Really. Well then, what’s next? A sponge cake filled with cream?

Readers: They’re called Twinkies Dave.

Dave: Alright. It’s hard to maintain my outrage when I keep misfiring on my examples. How about this – what’s next a TV show about a likable guy who sells crystal meth? I don’t know. I’m off the rails here. This whole thing is breaking bad.

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The Restaurants of Dr. Moreau

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1. Veterinarians at the French Laundry have genetically modified a Turkey so it now comes Pre-Stuffed with stuffing. They somehow managed to cross a Tom Turkey with a large and shapely crouton, thereby producing the pre-stuffed bird. Diners are just gobbling it up.

Tom Turkey remarked, “Let me tell you something, croutons can eat crackers in my coop anytime.”

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2. These same veterinarians have met with less success in producing an all-in-one turducken. Seems they can’t get a turkey, a duck and a chicken to participate in a ménage à trois. After the 3 had gone out to dinner, the waiter asked  who would take the check and the gracious duck said, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”

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But then the duck got his feathers ruffled when he thought he heard the chicken make a dirty quack about him, when he heard, “You have an ugly waddle.” When what the chicken really said was meant for the turkey: “You have an ugly wattle.”

“Well cluck you,” said the duck to the chicken. 

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French Laundry Veterinarian and sous chef Dr. Moreau remarked, “There’s only so much I can do with a turkey baster and duck sperm. In order for this to happen the birds have got to flock together. The problem is they’re all a bunch of bird brains.”

(As It Pertains to Peoples’ Names)

Be it known to all homo sapiens, that I (your eternal pal, the Almighty) am not a fan of these designer, boutique names that so many of my errant flock have wantonly applied to themselves. These hip-hop and vacuous monikers conjure up unjustified notions of characters ranging from gilded royalty to gritty street urchins. It is therefore incumbent upon me to apply some long overdue divine intervention in the realm of names.

 

Commencing immediately I shall expunge all names with hyphens, numbers or overly long names with too many consonants that even I lose interest in pronouncing halfway through. I fully support plain, understandable American names – the way I meant them to be. Stout, coherent names like Calvin Coolidge, Courtney Cox or Neil Armstrong. Bear in mind, P Diddy or Lizzo or Dua Lipa are not names. They’re brand names. Alanis Morrisette is as exotic as a name needs to be.

 

It is my edict that all single names are abolished. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. Only she and my son Jesus get to keep their one-word names. Names like Marlon Brando, Harry Belafonte or Sophia Loren are wonderful names and lightly evince a cachet of both sophistication and class – listening P Diddy or 50 Cent. Put another way: Alanis Morrisette – Good, Vanilla Ice – Bad. Listen my children, you’re already special. You don’t need to wrap yourself in a craven moniker to make you feel even more so.

 

So, as a service to my flock I’m providing guidelines for proper name-age. I bring forth these tablets from Mt. Sinai containing The New 14 Commandments as it pertains to names:

1. 

   Yeah, what he said.

   Henceforth all middle names shall be smack in the middle of the name, where they belong. They shall have a one-word first name on the left side, and a one-word surname on the right side. And because I’m such a compassionate Deity, exceptions to this rule are allowed in the South for Billy Bob’s, Billy Jo’s and Mary Kay’s.

 

2. All believers shall be permitted a one-word last name. No hyphens. No two parts. If one is to marry another, one can either take the spouse’s name or keep their own, period. Let us never forget what happened when Caroline Cumberbatch married Reginald Humperdinck and became Caroline Cumberbatch-Humperdinck. That’s a mouthful the Church simply cannot countenance. It’s inherently disordered.

Hyphenated last names left untreated can lead to even graver consequences, as when Sheila Campanella-Firestone married Kenneth Binswanger-Kravitz, and kept her name while adopting his. Suddenly we were introducing, Sheila Campanella-Firestone Binswanger-Kravitz to her wedding planner, Kirsten Moultrie-Goddard Bulwer-Cavendish. This is unsustainable and must end now. Non-simplifiers shall be smote on the thumbs with a branding iron of not less than 350°.

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3. And as a friendly reminder, ye shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor shall ye take any drugs in vein

 

4. Nicknames are fine (“Buzz” Aldrin for example), but thou shalt not be generally known by a one-word name like Lizzo, Ye or Pink. As mentioned, Cher will be grandmothered in and allowed to keep Cher (Sarkisian). And of course, baby Jesus’ name is untouchable; and if he approves it (after consulting with his mother), Madonna may keep her single name.

 

And one more thing about this “Ye” guy who arrogates to himself powers of arbitration on all that’s fashionable; he is not Ye. Talk about your false idols, Ye is a fraud. I am Ye. John Lennon said it best about Ye when he sang: ♫I am Ye, as you are Ye, and you are Me, and we are altogether. Goo Goo G’joob. ♫

 

 

5. Under no circumstances may one covet thy neighbors’ name. Nor shall ye lay with another man’s name unless it be Sealy, Serta or Posturepedic.

Read the rest of this entry »

After the dealer deals the last card he calls for everyone’s hand:

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Dealer:       OK players. Let’s get right to matters at hand and see what everybody has? How about you Player 1?

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Player 1:    Well, I’ve got 2 doxes.

Dealer:       OK. Player 1 has a paradoxes. Hmmm, that is puzzling? What’s Player 2 got?

Player 2:    I’ve got 5 Ellen DeGeneres’s…all wearing the same suit.

Dealer:       OK. Player 2 has a Straight Gay Flush. Player 3 what’s your hand?

Player 3:    It’s that thing at the end of my arm.

Dealer:       Thank you very much. And what’s your poker hand?

Player 3:    Read’em and weep. I’ve got  a wife, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a mortgage.

Dealer:       Alright. I think it’s obvious. Player 3 has a Full House. Player 4, can you top that?

Player 4:    I’m not sure. It looks like my King, Queen and Jack have all gone to the bathroom in the same toilet and just left it there.

Dealer:       Good God man! Don’t you know what you have? That’s a Royal Flush. You win.

 

7. I’ve spent time looking for my glasses…while I’ve been wearing them
8. After I blow my nose I always look into the Kleenex to make sure I haven’t blown my brains out
9. I’ve wondered where my iPhone was…while It’s been in my hand
10. I don’t know how to number lists anymore

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6. 

   Rodin’s “The Shamer”

   I don’t like nonsensical designer names, or names w/hyphens or one-word names or overly long names. I like plain, understandable American names, the way God meant them to be. Like Calvin Coolidge or Courtney Cox. That’s as exotic as a name needs to be. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. She and Jesus get to keep their one-word names.

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5. In elementary school, if I was really hungry mid-morning, I occasionally pinched a sandwich from the brown baggers who’d stored their lunches safely in the cloak room. Usually Phillip Picciotti’s. His mom Alice made such a nice sandwich. Thanks Phil.

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1. Believe me, my head is screwed on straight. It’s my body that’s crooked.
2. My world would be nothing, without the Undo button. Thank you Microsoft.
3. I wish I had something more enlightening to say about life. But I don’t right now. And I’m ashamed to admit it.

 

 

 

1. On a dare I once swallowed a quarter. And next morning, in the toilet, were 2 dimes and a nickel.
2. There are times I’ve let my cat lick my head for way too long
3. I’ve used a blood pressure cuff…but not just on my arm
4. That of all the 10 Commandments, I’m compliant with maybe 2½ of them
   

   Not so fast “Uncle” Ben.

5. I once had to blackmail a black male. I really had no choice. After all, I came into possession of documents proving that Uncle Ben didn’t have any nephews. He was no uncle, and the whole kindly uncle thing was just a starchy, corporate scam. I was just following one of the Commandments: I did not bear false witness. I just told the truth until Ben cried, “Uncle.” And here’s the kicker: the proof that Uncle Ben had no nephews was given to me by a niece of Aunt Jemima.
6. Probably 85% of the music I’ve listened to has been Beatle music (actually I’m not really ashamed, I’m proud {Actually I’m not proud or ashamed I just love charting/imagining the creative process that led to so many lush and fully formed songs. Their inventive journey if you will. Even if you won’t….I Will [Get it? – I Will]})

 

Reset: Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

 

7. I once held up a picture of Raquel Welch for almost 10 minutes…and with only one hand
8. On more than one occasion, we went back through a Wendy’s Drive-thru to tell them they forgot our French fries…even though they didn’t forget our French fries. What can I say? Back then we were hungry and poor, and we wanted more French fries damn it.
9. I’ve peed in one of the oceans. I don’t want to spoil that ocean for you, so let’s just say it was a very Specific Ocean.
10. This is a tough one to admit, but when I’m all alone, I like to wear men’s underwear (thank you Steve Martin)
11. I don’t know if I’m choosing to be heterosexual or that I’m simply heterosexual {That Herb Alpert cover convinced me}.
12. I’ve never once showered before getting into a pool. And I never will. I will, however, shampoo after my cat licks my head for 15 minutes as purr the 11^th Commandment: Thou shalt not allow thine feline to preen its owners head for a period not to exceed 12 cubits without lathering, rinsing and repeating. Yea verily, let it be so.
13. One time I picked my friend, and then I picked my seat, and then (even though I knew you weren’t supposed to do it) I picked my friend’s seat. Oh the shame.
14. I’m neither binary, nor non-binary. It’s just the way I am and they are. So there.

1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
4. 

   Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

   Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on

 

Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

19. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
20. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
21. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
22. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
23. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
24. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.