As my mother used to say, “David, sometimes your humor escapes me.” Well these escaped me…

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning

Regular Version:
     The tortoise taught us Tetris
 
Yoda Version:
     Tetris, the tortoise taught us
 
Palindromic in Nature
 
Regular Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Backwards Version:
     .amanaP lanac a nalp a nam A
Backwards Detangled and Reordered Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Yoda Version:
     Panama, a canal, a plan, a man
Van Halen Version:
     Panama
Lewis Carrol Version:
     An animap twas brillig panib
Pig Latin Version
     Amana aplana acanala aPanama
Bill Gates Version
     011010110010100111010101011001010 Panama
 
 
Extra Vagant vs. extravagant
Photo Graphy vs. photography
Ali vs. Frazier
Alternate methods for getting across the Potomac River: Roe vs. Wade
 
Papal bull gets loose sending St. Peter’s flock running for sanctuary.
 
I don’t know about you, but I feel better now.
And still I wonder:
     Do geese see God
Backwards Version:
     Do geese see God
 
Help! I’m caught in a loop. Which is perfect because I’m feeling a little loopy this Saturday morning.
 

Fight Club: Round 2

What’s the dumbest thing you can think of doing? And then make a movie about it.

The Officially Revised Rules to the Sequel to Fight Club

The first rule of the original Fight Club was:

You do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of the original Fight Club was:

You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

In this more charitable sequel, the rules have been updated to reflect a more tolerant pugilistic culture.

The first revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may obliquely refer to Fight Club.

The second revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may OBLIQUELY refer to Fight Club.

 

Other rules/observations to the sequel Fight Club Round 2 are as follows:

  1. If a participant is knocked out, the National Anthem is played so they will spring to their feet through patriotic peer pressure
  2. All jock straps will be equipped with air bags to protect against accidental kicks to the groin
  3. Chuck Norris is not allowed to compete in Fight Club (unless, of course, he wants to)
  4. If a defeated opponent yells “Stop”, taps out or goes limp, the victor must pull down the loser’s pants and yell “Olly olly oxen free.”
  5. Fight Club believes (contrary to whatever the American Society of Gastroenterologists might say) that the occasional roundhouse kick to the stomach is actually good for digestion. The same holds true for a right cross to the occipital lobe improving your vision. 
  6. Even if you’re a delusional and alienated white collar worker looking for kicks, Fight Club is a really, really stupid thing to do – especially if you’re as good-looking as Brad Pitt
  7. This list of rules doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you’re familiar with Fight Club. And even if you are familiar with it, the list still doesn’t make much sense.
  8. In Fight Club you may not use corncob holders as a weapon. However you may use armpit odor.
  9. You are not permitted to quote from the Bible while your opponent is in a chokehold. However you may quote from Chuck Norris’s autobiography
  10. The channeling of Bruce Lee is recommended. However the channeling of Brenda Lee…not so much
  11. If you enjoy fighting recreationally, you might also like our sister group: Colonoscopy Club. The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: You do not talk about Colonoscopy Club. The second rule is that, due to fumes beyond its control, Colonoscopy Club stinks.

Not Quite Medical Conditions

  1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
  2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
  3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
  4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
  5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
  6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
  7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
  8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
  9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
  10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
  11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
  12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
  13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
  14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
  15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
  16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
  17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
  18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
  19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
  20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
  21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
  22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
  23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
  24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
  25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Traces of George Washington’s Body Heat Discovered in Bed Where He Died

Startling discovery made in the hallowed bed where George Washington died at Mount Vernon.

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”

Newspaper Headlines from the 1930s

  1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
  2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
  3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
  4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
  5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
  6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
  7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
  8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
  9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
  10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
  11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
  12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
  13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
  14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
  15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
  16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
  17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
  18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
  19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
  20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
  21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
  22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
  23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
  24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
  25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
  26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
  27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
  28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

Disney Reinvents Vacation Bible Schools

Separation of Church and State – yes. But nowhere does it say anything about separation of Church and Mouse. Witness Disney’s all new Promised Land theme park.

These days most kids view Vacation Bible Schools as a sentence to endure rather than a vacation to enjoy. They hope to avoid the drudgery of Deuteronomy by kidsplainin’ to their parents, “C’mon mom, there’s an app for it now.” For many people, Vacation + Bible + School just doesn’t add up. While to some it’s a celebration of scripture, to others it’s a well-intentioned holiday in hell. Separately each word of Vacation Bible School has great merit.  

Vacation: Good. Who doesn’t like a nice long vacation?

Bible: Also Good. Even though today’s modern reader must factor-in the ancient mindset of the benighted authors of the day who had no idea Tater Tots would forever change the way we think about potatoes.  

School: Mostly good. It’s an educational place where you can learn important things like how to ask out girls without having your voice crack.  

So separately the words are all good. But put them all together and what have you got – a recipe for “Is my sentence up yet?”

I doesn’t matter what you call it: Bible Boot Camp, a Vacation with God or a Holiday in Heaven, the words Vacation, Bible and School just don’t fit together – kind of like Reasonable Attorney Fees or Non-Stop Flight. So what is to be done about Vacation Bible Schools’ sagging attendance by an increasingly secular audience? As you might expect, the Walt Disney Company has an answer.   Read the rest of this entry »

St. Peter Reissues CC&Rs for the Gated Community Known as Heaven

“Just let me check your credentials and I’ll let you right in. You do have your credentials, right?”

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of the gated community, our Almighty Lord, was at a loss to explain the misunderstanding – especially since he thought he’d been preaching to the chorus the whole time. Through his chosen emissary and longtime Pearly Gate bouncer St. Peter, the Lord reminded us that, “The laws of the Cosmos are unbending and universally applicative. There isn’t some ‘Yeah, well Heaven’s requirements might apply to faceless masses toiling in the fields, but surely not to sophisticated, self-aware souls like me who were into the whole craft beer thing before it became mainstream’.” 

St. Peter went on to explain: “There is no work around for entitled souls that will catapult their privileged asses into the vault of Heaven. Your karmic résumé must reflect balance, otherwise you’ll be catapulted back into another birth till you wake up and smell the karma. Sometimes it stinks to high heaven and other times it’s your best friend to break you out of the illusion of separateness. It will even out. It must. It does. These are not my laws inasmuch as they are the laws. Don’t blame the messenger. I’m just passing it on. This link may be of aid: Paths to God (not preachy) Read the rest of this entry »

A Laplander’s Lament

No Joke: This is Lapland’s Coat of Arms. Why he’s almost naked is beyond comprehension as is the cold up here in “The Land that Heat Forgot.”

Hallå, my name is Dàvvet Østend and I live in Lapland – the frozenest place on earth. Actually “live” might not be the operative word to describe existence here. “Survive” might be a better word. Lapland is an icy and forbidding landscape located on the fringes of Scandinavia, well north of the Arctic Circle, where nothing should be located except imaginary lines and Norse mythologies. Lapland is not a God forsaken land. It’s just a forsaken land – God doesn’t even bother with us. Neither does Google. They won’t even map us. Then again, aren’t God and Google really the same thing, except Google knows more about you than God does?  

 

Lost in Frost

Growing up here in “the land that heat forgot” my body temperature never rose above 95°. Hypothermia was the norm and 95° was the new 98.6°. I lamented the depths of my frozen plight to wise old Uncle Anders. And this esteemed tribal elder bestowed upon me his Nordic wisdom, born of years of frigid deprivation: “You see Dàvvet, up here in Lapland, we’re all just in between bowel movements. No more, no less.” As I slowly backed away from my dear old uncle I realized that the constant cold had left both his philosophies and his potatoes half-baked. Read the rest of this entry »

Costco’s New Product Showcase

  1. Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

    Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

  2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
  3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
  4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
  5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
  6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
  7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
  8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
  9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
  10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
  11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
  12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
  13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
  14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
  15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
  16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
  17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
  18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
  19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
  20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
  21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
  22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
  23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
  24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
  25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
  26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
  27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.
  28.  

Bumper Stickers from Antiquity (as seen on the backs of ancient chariots and medieval wagons)

  1. Bumper sticker seen at a Renaissance Faire.

    Make Sparta Great Again!

  2. You Have to Admit, Vlad the Impaler does make some good points
  3. Pyramids are for Squares
  4. Serf Lives Matter
  5. Sodom is for Lovers
  6. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
  7. It’s all Olaf’s Fault
  8. Eating Rotten Apples Contributes to Global Worming
  9. I got my rocks off at Stonehenge
  10. My other wagon is a Cadillac
  11. OK Renaissance…we’re waiting.
  12. Enough with the spices already. Maybe we could spend less than 95% of our GDP in the search for seasonings and invest a little in sewage control.
  13. DaVinci Fondled Me. #Et tu Leonardo
  14. Question Charlemagne
  15. Robin Hood is a Socialist Income Redistributor
  16. Galileo thinks He’s the center of the universe
  17. I visited BarbarianLand. The happiest place on God’s flat Earth.
  18. I got debauched at Pirates of the Mediterranean.
  19. All We Are Say-ing, Is Give Huns a Chance
  20. If blunderbusses are outlawed, only outlaws will have blunderbusses
  21. I never sleep alone…thanks to my bedbugs
  22. May your fireplace always be sooty and your stool forever compacted
  23. Make Soap, Not War
  24. We really need the soap, what with all the soot and everything
  25. Occupy King John! You try eating turnips 11½ months out of the year. No more tubers…Magna Carta now!!!
  26. Occupy Valhalla! It’s almost 1063 and to date only a total of 3 Vikings have had any fun at all. Being Norse sucks.
  27. The Plague is Gods Way of Punishing Free Thinkers
  28. Does the concept of “germs” mean anything to you Neanderthals?
  29. If blow darts are outlawed, only outlaws will have blow darts
  30. Pat Paulsen for President
  31. A heavier than air machine? It’ll never fly.
  32. Queen Elizabeth the 1st is a Royal pain in the arse
  33. Guillotine has lost his head
  34. When it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on the table, table, table.
  35.