davidhardiman.com

Earth Census Completed. Workers Dan & Jill Discuss the Results.

Dan: We finally finished counting all the terrestrials on earth and the numbers just don’t add up.

Jill: How’s that?

Dan: Well, there were a few extra.

Jill: Extra-terrestrials?

Dan: Yup.

Jill: So strange to think you’d find extra-terrestrials right here on earth.

Dan: Yeah I know. The idea of extra-terrestrials is so alien to me.

Jill: Me too. Sometimes counting people just doesn’t make census.

Nothing of Importance (here’s proof)

  1. Most popular machine at health clubs: The time machine. It takes years off your waist.
  2. A wage slave living from Pay Day Loan to Pay Day Loan says they have, “Great interest in him.”
  3. Prosthesis Magazine article: Amputee Plans Afoot
  4. Uncreative designer is said to be “Staid of the Art”
  5. Harvard History Department wants to “Have archaic and eat it too”
  6. That restaurant is a tough place. The coat check girl’s name is Bruno.
  7. Unruly lawn brought to Madame Wong’s Tips & Toes for tidying. It’s now a beautifully manicured lawn.
  8. Pamplona, Spain is now sponsoring the Running of the Mascara. It’s so sad.
  9. He’s so semantically aware, he’s been cut by sharp cheddar, rapier wits and pointed arguments
  10. Fear of driving through a passageway with coworkers is called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
  11. Overheard at a bowlers convention, “Yeah, I’m getting my ball drilled Tuesday.” “Interesting, that’s the same day I’m getting mine buffed.”
  12. Have you seen any fascists rolling 5 dice? No. I did not see a Nazi playing Yahtzee.
  13. My favorite fetishistic fantasization is polysyllabic alliteration
  14. Mature landscaping growing weary of immature landscaping in nearby development: “Gees, it’s out all night and won’t leaf us alone. Especially that Fraxinus. It’s such a pain in the ash. Oh well, life’s a birch.”
  15. Lament of the amnesiac whose PC won’t load any more software: “Now I remember. I forgot to buy memory.”
  16. I bet my Personal Injury attorney can beat up your Personal Injury attorney

Hardiman Just Doesn’t Understand Women

  • Until recently he thought Angina was a heart ailment only women suffered from

 

  • Until recently he thought a Vulva was a very safe Swedish car.

 

  • Until recently he thought a Menstrual Cycle was something schoolgirls rode from period to period

 

  • Until recently he thought a Clitoral Hood was a place where very sensitive people hung out

 

  • Until recently he thought Labia Minora and Labia Majora were constellations

 

  • Until recently he thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman. The O-zone.

 

  • Until recently he discovered people were actually saying “At your service ma’am.” when all along he thought they were saying “At your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Hymen was a greeting you might say to a bunch of workmen you’re walking by

 

  • Until recently he thought Urethra was the first name of the Queen of Soul. Urethra Franklin

 

  • Until recently he thought FallopianTube was a video-sharing service for women

 

  • Until recently he thought a Tipped Uterus was a gratuity given to a womb that provided really great cervix. “Thank you for your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Clitoris was a breath freshening chewing gum. Wrong. It was Clorets. The guy must be suffering from Cloret’s Syndrome.

 

  • Until recently he thought Estrogen was a citizen of Estrogenia

 

  • Until recently he thought a Hysterectomy was when you removed the laugh track from a sitcom

 

  • Until recently he thought an Ovary was that little accent mark atop the letter é. An over é. 

 

I’m not convinced Mr. Hardiman is even trying to clarify these misapprehensions. Sometimes I think he just pays them lip service. Meanwhile, for some reason, he refuses to eat at any Black Angus restaurant.

 

These Lists Seek Me Out. I’m Not Responsible for Their Content.

  1. Invisible people are so arrogant. They completely ignore me, so I just act like they’re not there.  
  2. I always thought angina was a heart ailment only women could get
  3. When someone in Vincent van Gogh’s family dies, are they referred to as Van Gone or Van Went
  4. Victoria Secret is being sued in a case of the Negligent Negligee whereby Victoria Secret’s lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
  5. “Anything new?”
    “Nope. You?”
    “Nope.”

    Since Cincinnati has no synonym for cinnamon, some assume Cinnabon is simply sinful.

  6. An antonym for Anthony is Untony. Untony and Cleopatra – because opposites attract.
  7. People always talk about round numbers, but 0 is the only round number and it isn’t even a number and it isn’t even round. It’s an ellipse. Lips are an ellipse. A Sideway ellipse. Thounds like I’m lithping.
  8. Uncelebrated non-coincidences: Steve Martin and I have birthdays on different dates. Same with me and Jesus. No biggie.
  9. You crazy.///No, you crazy.
  10. Is a high knap blanket better than a high nap blanket?
  11. Enamel paint has made such a difference and yet nobody wants to talk about it
  12. You cray cray./// No you color with Crayola crayons
  13. What’s the plural of plural – plurals? If you strung them together would you have a plural necklace. I have 2 plural necklaces.
  14. I’ve given people plenty of Wedgies. Iceberg Wedge Salads that is. How I ever got them to fit in their ass crack I’ll never know, but that’s half the fun.
  15. I’m not sure if I like concepts or just the idea of concepts.
  16. Granite countertops have given purpose to so many people and you can’t take that for granite.
  17. No really, you nutty, you off the wall son./// OK, I guess that makes me a Walnut. So shell me.
  18. Stone fruit rocks./// No, it’s the pits.
  19. Leave us readers alone./// No, the ideas…they’re coming from inside my head. I’m not scared, I’m just letting them out
  20. And now a moment of silence for Kleenex and all it does for us with nary a complaint. Thank you martyred non-racial facial tissue. I kiss you and spew a slew of goo into your tissue. Quite the issue. Tis me or tis you? Probably tissue.
  21. If there was an elephant in the room, everyone, and I mean everyone, would be talking about it.

My Letter to the New York Times

after drinking way too much moonshine Kombucha. It’s in response to an article and video about Sarah Silverman Guest Hosting the Jimmy Kimmel Show and the letter goes like this – to the letter:

 

Hey NYT. Fit this to print,

My belligerency quotient is rising, but don’t worry. I’m still lovable.

I’ve been, for reasons unknown to me (and maybe it’s the kombucha talkin’), a little predisposed against Sarah Silverman. Maybe it’s her whoopsie-daisy tartness (a borrowed line). But I now find her funny, witty, present and confidently reactive – a thoroughly Modern Millie. Good for me. Wow, I can reassess and enjoy something I previously did not. Tremendous personal growth on my part. I’m to be congratulated, he said, soaking in the adulation from himself.

That Jimmy Kimmel allows guest hosts (and by an ex to boot) is a tribute to the show and his self-confidence in himself (if it’s in himself I guess that’s why they call it “self” confidence). It’s like the olden days when Johnny Carson had guest hosts so you could sample other entertainers. Feeling uninhibited and acting self-consciously is the best combination, don’t you think?

Based on this video. I’ll be taping the rest of her shows. I know, I said taping and not recording. SS is giving me a contact funny. She’s like a Gummy Silverman. Oh, how I love this world and everything in it, that I can afford. I just gotta say though, how things would be different if Ariana Grande was Venti. She’d be a Tall drink of coffee then.

So much more to say. You don’t need to hear it though. Alright. OK one more thiing (I know I misspelled “thing”); I actually made money from a Nigerian prince who was trying to scam me. Say my name Prince Djibouti.

And finally, I’d like to thank Pfizer pfor pfostering epffective farmaceuticals. And I know I spelled farmaceuticals wrong.

 

Best Moonshine Kombucha Ever,

David Silverman (no relashun) and I know I spelled somethang wrong, but I don’t care write now Mr. New York Times.

[ps: I really did send this to the NYTs]

 

 

YOUTUBE.COM

Guest Host Sarah Silverman on Giuliani Joining Cameo, Bad News for White People & Who’s Jewish!?

Sarah Silverman steps in as guest

 

 

 Class Action Lawsuits on the Docket

The People of America versus

  1. The People of America v. Victoria’s Secret – A case of the negligent negligee whereby Victoria’s Secret lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
  2. Has justice always been blind? Nope. Not since they invented money.

    The People of America v. Clumping Kitty Litter – Victims allege their lungs clumped-up and seized after cumulatively inhaling too much of the amalgamating litter dust when cleaning the box. The litter industry tried issuing protective masks, but the mask mandate was ruled illegal in Texas, where the governor said “There’s no proof where the clumping cat litter came from…could be China.” No word whether felines will launch a Cat Action Lawsuit. The entire affair is a catastrophe.

  3. The People of America v. God – For being an overly permissive parent. The people accuse him of making a mockery of personal responsibility by not charging for Free Will. Plaintiffs hope to compel God to charge a fee for Free Will, so people have to pay for their mistakes before they make them.
  4. The People of America v. Jeff Bezos – God himself is actually suing Mr. Bezos for having more money than he does. It seems God doesn’t want the humorous comparison to now be “<insert name here> has got more money than Bezos.” He just wants a little income redistribution and for that humorous comparison to be returned to “<insert name here> has got more money than God.” My opinion is maybe he should’ve thought about that before he tried to make himself popular by handing out Free Will. It’s like the guy was trying to be worshipped or something.
  5. The People of America v. Costco – Sue them? Never. The American public proposes to shower them with even more money so they can make their Big Box Stores Bigger and Boxier.
  6. The People of America v. Grub Hub/Uber Eats – Really. You need a hot meal delivered to your door at 4Xs the cost of making it? Unless you’re sick or something people should not have meals delivered at a frequency of more than once a month. How do they propose to stop these food deliveries? What else – a gag order.  
  7. The People of America v. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Discovery+, Paramount Plus, Disney +. Apple TV+, HBO Max, Peacock, Regularcock and All of the Other 3 million Streaming Services – Henceforth their shall be only ONE consolidated streaming service we all belong to, with no add ons, no Pluses or + after it and one fee. It shall be called Obama Streaming and it shall become the most popular, mandatory Socialist entertainment platform ever devised. You don’t even have to pay for any of it till you’re 26. Exceptions will be made for Board Certified Urologists who may offer unlimited streaming services, but only as it relates to urination.
  8. The People of America v. The People of America – An ongoing struggle between the righteous and the wrongus. If we didn’t identify so strongly with our egos it wouldn’t be a problem. But what do I know? Up until last year I thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman.

Chex Mate?

Glutton Free also available.

Strange, Little Known Coincidences You and I Share

  1. I’ve written something you’ve read.       See, told ya.
  2. We’ve both gazed upon the vast cosmos and wondered, “Is the pizza guy ever gonna get here?”
  3. We’ve assembled brand new BBQs using just the Spanish instructions. Now the only thing it grills well is Carne Asada.
  4. We have overheard show dog breeders say, “Looks like we’ll need to anal bleach the Rottweiler.”
  5. We both wonder if instead of giving GEICO 15 minutes to save 15%, we could give them 50 minutes and save 50%
  6. We do more with less, but at campfires we do s’mores with s’less
  7. We believe there’s a God someplace…probably in the Witness Protection Program
  8. We believe Chevy Chase is no longer funny and is probably in the Witless Protection Program
  9. Whenever we eat alphabet soup it seems to only contain the letters LGBTQ
  10. Growing up we believed that Noble Gases were something emitted by royalty
  11. We believe in Global Warming, but not in Global Parming. For example, no one should ever eat Liver Parmesan.
  12. We’ve picked our friend’s seat – but only at a baseball stadium
  13. By combining song lyrics we’ve both managed to ♫look at clouds in our coffee from both sides now♫
  14. We forget the all-encompassing truth about…ummm…y’know…that thing…about love…y’know…c’mon, I know you know it

Van Gogh’s Severed Ear Reportedly Found in Provence

“How could it be found?” declares Mademoiselle De Lune. “It was never lost.”

This self-portrait conveys a world-weary soul with a still integrated ear.

I’d heard the quaint whispers: “They found Van Gogh’s ear.” Heard they found an ear – funny stuff. But this improbable discovery was no laughing matter. Rumors were rife and flew around like so much paint onto a Jackson Pollock canvass –  that the fabled ear of perhaps the art world’s most influential Impressionist had been found. These rumors did not demonstrate explicitly that the ear had been found, but created an impression that the ear had been found. Was this just an eerie case of life imitating art?

 

To dispel this absurd rumor required some sly sleuthing. Only then could it be relegated to the clickbait trash heap of e-history. But what if it wasn’t dispel-able. What if this cockamamie tale was true? It would turn the art world on its…oh what’s the word?

 

And that’s where I enter the painting. My name is Dr. Ellison Archibald Jones (of the Canterbury Jones’s) and I’m an untouchably tenured Art History professor at Balliol College at Oxford University in England. My lofty perch in academia allows me to indulge my deepest passion – locating, retrieving and otherwise restoring lost appendages to dis-armed or defaced sculptures.

 

Balliol College had always been very generous in rewarding me with sabbaticals due in large part to my prodigious fundraising skills and my popularity among art patrons. My recently published book Art: The 4th R, has added to my fame and is now in its 3rd printing (the first two printings being smudged).

To convey a sense of my expertise and qualifications in spearheading this caper, I’ve provided a brief résumé of my achievements: Read the rest of this entry »

And We Shall Know They are ex-Military by the Whites of Their Scalps

Is this purposeful or an oops?

Be it known to all men far and wide. Whether they be newly discharged from the military or just civilians on forever furlough; do not, I repeat, do not keep your hair so short that we can see the whiteness of your scalp. I’m telling you – it’s not a good look. It’s not a high and tight haircut. It’s more like a high and uptight haircut. It makes you look like your head is suffering from drought – like your skull is a chia pet experiment gone very, very wrong.

 

The buzz on buzz cuts ain’t good. Some of you ex-military types look like you’ve been using Crest Teeth-Whitening Strips on your head? Some of you guys look albino from the neck up and the face back. You look like you got your hair cut in a pencil sharpener or they’re prepping your skull for an operation.

 

Those of us who have no choice but to bare our balding pates get a pass on scalp exposure, but for the rest of my hirsute brothers, don’t be hair impaired if you’re follicle-advantaged. Don’t be scalp proud unless there’s no choice. Friends should not be able to see their reflection in your chrome dome.

 

Remember: If you must get a haircut, please trim responsibly or use a DH – a Designated Hairstylist.

 

I wanna be a monk.

Sung to the tune of the Moody Blues “Nights in White Satin”

Knights in white scalped heads

Never reaching for combs

Toupees with thick threads

Covering our chrome domes 

 

Cuz I’m Mop Topped

Yes I’m Mop Topped

Ooooh Mooop Tooopped