davidhardiman.com

A List of Half-Baked Ideas Written By a Half-Wit, Making Them Only ¼ Ideas

  1. I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
  2. Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
  3. Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
  4. Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.

    I love my kitty. This picture has nothing to do with this list. I just love my kitty and I don’t care who knows.

  5. You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
  6. If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
  7. My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
  8. If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
  9. #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
  10. #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
  11. My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
  12. The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
  13. What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
  14. I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
  15. When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?

 

Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”

Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.

 

Peace and Love,

Ringo

What’s in Your Sleep App?

Top 10 (or so) Least Popular “White Noise” Ambient Sounds

  1. Rain falling on a corpse
  2. An endless loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed”
  3. Waves crashing on a Land Rover parked too close to the shore
  4. Nail guns operated by the Marine Drum & Bugle Corps
  5. Wind blowing through an orphanage
  6. An endless loop of “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911”
  7. Morgan Freeman slowly enunciating, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Heeeeere kitty.”
  8. A batter repeatedly hit on the ankle by a 95 mph fastball
  9. A continuous sound of rubber being punctured by one of those “Caution: Severe Tire Damage” spikes.
  10. The Gettysburg Address solemnly spoken in Pig Latin
  11. A quartet of Leaf Blowers playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”
  12. The sound of no hands clapping. AKA the Sound of Silence.

    Whatever get’s ya thru the night…It’s alright. It’s alright.

  13. Christopher Walken reciting “Rock-a-Bye Baby”
  14. The whoosh of toilets flushing
  15. A 15-round recording of Rock’em Sock’em robots boxing
  16. A veterinarian brushing Grover’s teeth. Grover is his assistant.
  17. The zipping sounds of aestheticians administering a bikini wax

And if this list doesn’t put you to sleep, nothing will.

The Breast Story Ever Told

In 1975 at the tender and horny age of 14 I spied with my little eyes a glimpse of 2 glorious female breasts. At the time they were heaving provocatively and bathed in the pink smoky light of the Palace-a-Go-Go Lounge on James Street in my hometown of Syracuse, NY. These breasts possessed my ideal demographic – human, female, and naked. Through the eyes of a lovelorn 14 year-old, these priceless ornaments were like 2 Crown Jewels perched regally on the chest of a royal subject. I took one breathless glance at those twin charms and sighed “God Save the Queen.”

 

In order to perpetuate whatever it is we’re doing here on Earth, God had to keep us reproductively interested in each other. He accomplished this with sex. Never underestimate the zeal of the organs for one another. They’re a powerful driver of action. Especially when you’re 14. But this is just a small part of the whole story. 

You may wonder what circumstances gave birth to a callow 14 year-old finding himself in a position to ogle a stripper gyrating onstage at midnight? Well the real story behind this wormhole into a forbidden dimension begins at the intersection of lust and wanderlust. Actually it began at the intersection of Wolf Street and 7th North Street where my sister Gail had an apartment.

 

And that’s where our story truly begins. But before we pick up things at the Danforth Arms Apartments, some background is needed so you may understand my journey from being a student with plenty of homework and chores to do on a quiet Sunday evening at home, to an outlaw truant drinking in a salacious eyeful of Gypsy Rose Lee strutting her fleshy stuff across a smoky stage. I don’t want to tell the story too quickly or you won’t appreciate the journey. Now that I’m 60 I know how to pace myself in elucidating a story so you’ll better appreciate it. No longer am I an excitable 14 year-old prone to premature elucidation. Read the rest of this entry »

I Just Want to Stop the World Here for a Moment to Say, “Wait, did that really happen?”

And I’m neither referring to NASA landing and operating 5 rovers on Mars (not to mention a helicopter), nor am I referring to the fact that an Airbus 350 weighing 620,000 lbs. at takeoff can stay airborne for 19 hours and fly 9700 miles. While I marvel at these stellar (and interstellar) achievements, what I am referring to specifically is something even more miraculous and decidedly earthbound. It’s probably the most miraculous feat of forever and for all-time. What I’m referring to is free soloist Alex Honnold becoming the first human to summit the 3200′ sheer granite face of El Capitan. And he improbably accomplished this without benefit of any mountaineering equipment except for a pair of really good rubbery shoes and a keen sense of which way is up.

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I’m not sure Alex Honnold  understands the gravity of his situation. Alex shown here defying every one of Isaac Newton’s Laws of Motion.

I use the term “the first human” advisedly because even though I’ve witnessed Mr. Honnold ascend El Capitan in the movie Free Solo, I still don’t believe it’s humanly possible to do what he did. Clearly his status as “human” is in question. Even hybrid human Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly” would have had difficulty traversing this unforgiving eminence. And Honnold made his ascent in only 3 hours and 56 minutes – or about as fast as it takes Elon Musk to manufacture 150 Teslas. So perhaps you can understand why, when I consider Mr. Honnold’s feat, I say, “Wait, did that really happen?”

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Yes, it really did happen and there is much to say about this superhuman achievement. But words will only conjure a mental dimension of this experience and that’s why I’ve provided some video: Free Solo. It is a worthy exploration to comment on and marvel at this spectacle of indescribable derring-do. And as I share my sense of unalloyed awe at Alex’s outrageous feat and his courageous feet, I realize this endeavor is just business as usual for our uniquely wired Alex. He is not doing this with feigned swagger and false bravado. To Alex, this anti-acrophobic act is not some kind of flashy derring-do. It’s just…do. Read the rest of this entry »

Article Excerpted from Preacher Times Magazine:

Such a nice missionary. Why would the Church not let him continue to use his missionary position to help people?

Evangelizing preacher Uriah Soderhouse hopes to maintain his missionary position despite differences with the Church. Elders have offered him other positions, but he insists his missionary position is his favorite.

 

Spokeswoman Jennifer Carlyle said, “the laity are 100% underneath him on this issue. We want Reverend Soderhouse to know that we have his back on this one – and of course his front too. The good reverend shouldn’t just roll over because the Church says so.”
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Elders say it doesn’t make sense to keep him in the missionary position, but that any movement must be consensual and pleasing to both parties. They maintain there are any number of positions he could at least try, and if he didn’t like them he could go back to his boring, old missionary position.

Disneyland Announces a New Addition to Its Theme Park: Cruella’s Tomb Town

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

Keep your friends close, and your Glenn Close too.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

  1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
  2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
  3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
  4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
  5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
  6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
  7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
  8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
  9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
  10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
  11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
  12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
  13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
  14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
  15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
  16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
  17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
  18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
  19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
  20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
  21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
  22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.

Turtle Snapping?

“Hey! Settle down Calista.”

If you think herding cats is hard, try getting five turtles to pose for you. Took forever. They kept moving, ruining the shot. Especially that free-spirited Calista! Well, in the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda 🎶I’m not giving away my shot🎶

I don’t even think they understand English. After all, this was in Mexico.

Finally, One Stop Mohair and Deer Pellet Shopping

I smell the pungent odor of musk behind this – Elon Musk.

Obviously I’m driving through a strange part of the country. Now if I could just figure out what country it is I’m driving through.

I do believe this company would take care of all my mohair and deer pellet needs. Take that Amazon!

PTSD – Post Traumatic Succulent Disorder

Dr. Hardiman extricating himself from a thorny situation.

Botanist Dr. David Hardiman suffering from PTSD – Post Traumatic Succulent Disorder – had his first outing with his new service cactus.

Dr. Hardiman remarked, “I’ve really learned a lot from Dino. He takes on all my prickly situations and makes them his own.
“I’ve really imprinted on him. Whenever he’s around I never have the urge to pee. He’s taught me how to hold my judgments and water.
“Happily there is no “i” in cactus. It’s just us… cact-us. I mean there is an “i” if there are cacti, but you know what I mean right?”
Although Dr. Hardiman is an ardent tree hugger, he warns it’s “not a good idea” when it comes to cacti.

Coxsackie is a Real City in New York State

It’s citizens are called Coxsackers. In fact every last one of them is a Coxsacker – whether they like it or not.
Of course some of the meaner Coxsackers are just plain pricks – which seems a little redundant.

Coxsackie is located just below Phallus, NY in Taint County.
And yes I’m very proud of this post.