Posts Tagged ‘never’


1. Watching Babe Ruth’s home run trot around the bases and wondering how his tiny little ankles didn’t break under the strain of his hulking torso
2. Where I was when I first heard the word “delicatessen.” I know. You too, right. And then I found out you could actually shorten it to “deli.” Wow!
3. The day my mom brought home Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. OMG. I mean Captain Crunch I got. I could wrap my mind around Captain Crunch. But the whole crunch berries thing was like pouring milk on the fire. And that singular event was pretty much the dividing line for everything in my life. Everything that happened before crunch berries and everything that came after crunch berries. You too right.
4. When Jan first said, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
5. That time our dog threw-up in my mouth:…/this-preposterous-anecdote…/
6. Seeing my grandmother naked. Well, how was I to know she pole-danced in her room for exercise.
7. My tea party playdates with my imaginary friends Little Debbie, Wendy and Waldo. Friends would ask, “Where’s Waldo?” And I’d say, “How can you not see him? He’s right there next to Wendy. There’s Waldo.”
I always invited Carmen Sandiego too, but she never showed. It’s like, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Incidentally: I’m still waiting for a reboot of “These Boots are Made for Walking”…listening Nancy Sinatra. If she can’t reboot “Boots” she can at least resole it. Then again, maybe I should just settle for “These Boots are Made for Walken.” Does the name Christopher Walken ring a bell – a cowbell.

Alright! We Get It.

You Never Have to Tell Us Again

  1. We no longer need to be reminded that “X” was formerly known as Twitter
  2. I’m not concerned if the book I’m reading was printed on equipment used in processing tree nuts
  3. Conversely you never needed to change Datsun to Nissan, Bombay to Mumbai or Betty Persky to Lauren Bacall
  4. Safety in the Wild: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by a Grizzly Bear you should start singing YMCA; it confuses the bear. Conversely, whenever I’ve been approached by an elephant I befriend him by saying, “How you got into my pajamas I’ll never know?”  
  5. Safety in the Wild II: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by an angry snail, you should make yourself look really big, so it’ll think twice about attacking you. Conversely, if you’re approached by an aggressive ground squirrel you should roll yourself up into a submissive ball and offer to hold its nuts.
  6. More Safety in the Wild: And how many times must we be told that if you’re out walking among Mormons you should make yourself look like you already have 2 wives, that way they’ll be less likely to propose. They say, when in Morm, do as the Mormons do – right? Conversely, if you’re ever confronted by a Jehovah’s Witness you should make it appear that you have poor powers of observation. That way they’ll avoid you because they know you’d make a very bad Witness.
  7. To all websites: Unless I’m at a bakery, I don’t want any of your damn “cookies”
  8. We all completely understand that if we’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency, we’ll call 9-1-1. We’re not going to call our optometrist or dentist after hours if we’re losing consciousness.
  9. No one except Julius Caeser has ever had to “Beware the Ides of March.” Retire the phrase please.
  10. Even though we know our call matters to you, no one will ever listen closely just because “some of your options may have changed.”
  11. No one ever needs to open any letter addressed to Current Resident. Or has ERCLOT or Electronic Service Requested printed on it. But especially if it has Personal and Confidential on the envelope. If I ever send something personal and confidential to someone, I’m never going to advertise that it’s personal and confidential to potential prying eyes.
  12. No one will ever, ever take a shower before getting into a pool unless it’s with a naked loved one, in which case who cares if there’s a pool



Mail You Never, Ever Have to Open

If a letter makes it to your mailbox with any of the following phrases, acronyms or hieroglyphs on it, you may send this JUNK straight to recycle:

  1. ECRLOT – ECRLOT stands for Enhanced Carrier Route Line Of Travel. This is an internal code used by the USPS and designates a discounted postal rate for junk mailers. Although if you’re interested in “commemorative” orangutan plates from the Kingdom of Siam, maybe this letter is for you.
  2. Electronic Service Requested Junk mailer wants this vital mail forwarded to the correct person. Screw them and the air mail they flew in on.
  3. Time Sensitive Material Enclosed Junk mailer is attempting to promote a sense of urgency in marketing Urology Today’s new streaming service
  4. Hand Deliver Only All mail is hand delivered (unless it’s email). It’s part of the job. Don’t bother with this method, unless you’d prefer a hand job.
  5. Whoever knowingly and willfully obstructs or retards the passage of the mail shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both. (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat.) – This is supposed to legitimize and imbue the mailer with the imprimatur of authority by quoting a 75-year-old statute. Toss it.
  6. You Poor, Dumb Sap. You Need to Buy this Crap We’re Selling – Points for honesty, but chances are you don’t need the elbow deodorant they’re peddling.
  7. Doctors Without Bladders Fundraising Drive – Borders yes, bladders no.
  8. From the Desk of Kanye West – Ye are not amused. Can it.
  9. These Bible Foods Will Double Your Lifespan – Double your waistline maybe. Cast this mailer out into the darkness.
  10. Resident, Occupant or Felon – Wouldn’t bother opening it. Of course if you are a felon, it might be of interest. Just sayin’.

Books That Should Never Have Been Published

  1. 50 Shades of Windows: The X-Rated Microsoft Office Story
  2. You Wouldn’t Know a Left Hook if It Hit You in the Face…and other Non-Sequiturs
  3. “You are what your record says you are”: The Collected Wisdom of Coach William Parcells
  4. Servant Gossip: How Laundry Hampers Hamper Help from Airing Their Dirty Laundry
  5. The Sequel to “How the States Got Their Shape” entitled “How William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry Got His Shape”
  6. They’re There to Bother You: Why the Prongs on a Plug are of Different Widths
  7. They’re There to Bother Ewes: Why Rams Exist
  8. Brilliant Insights That Will Completely Change Your Life…for About a Day and a Half, Then It’s Back to the Same Old Grind
  9. Never Leave #9 Blank, and Other Perilous Omissions
  10. How Can a 90° Angle be So Right When It Feels So Wrong?
  11. Say Yes to the Dress: How Can a Sarong Fit So Tight When It Feels Sarong?
  12. Orville and Wilbur Were Never Wrong Because They Were Always Wright
  13. “I know how a thermostat works”: Lies You Tell Your Wife when you wake Up and Its 83° in the Bedroom
  14. “I know what a right angle is”: Lies You Tell Your Math Professor when he Measures Your Right Angle and Its 83°
  15. I Never Watch Wheel of Fortune, Eat at McDonalds or Suck the Tip Off a Can of Whipped Cream After I Use It and Other Things I Lie About
  16. If the Fact That We’re All Going to Die, Lose Everything and Not Know Where We’re Going Afterwards Doesn’t Bother You, Then OK, I’ll Play Along and Not Panic Either: On Succumbing to the Peer Pressure of Healthy Coping Mechanisms
  17. I Don’t Care Who Matthew Broderick Thinks He Is, He’ll Always be Ferris Bueller to Me
  18. I Know I Shouldn’t Judge, But My God, You’re Just So Stupid
  19. All That Glitters is Not Gold: But It Might Be, So You’d Better Pursue It Just in Case

Bucket List…in Reverse: Things I NEVER Hope to Do Before I Die

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

  1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
  2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
  3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
  4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
  5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
  6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
  7. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
  8. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
  9. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
  10. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
  11. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
  12. Walk on Hot Coals
  13. Walk on Warm Coals
  14. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
  15. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
  16. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
  17. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
  18. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
  19. See any of my internal organs
  20. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
  21. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
  22. Be assigned a probation officer
  23. See Donald Trump naked
  24. See Kate Upton clothed
  25. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
  26. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
  27. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
  28. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
  29. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
  30. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
  31. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
  32. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”