Bucket List…in Reverse: Things I NEVER Hope to Do Before I Die

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

  1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
  2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
  3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
  4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
  5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
  6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
  7. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
  8. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
  9. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
  10. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
  11. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
  12. Walk on Hot Coals
  13. Walk on Warm Coals
  14. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
  15. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
  16. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
  17. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
  18. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
  19. See any of my internal organs
  20. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
  21. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
  22. Be assigned a probation officer
  23. See Donald Trump naked
  24. See Kate Upton clothed
  25. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
  26. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
  27. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
  28. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
  29. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
  30. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
  31. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
  32. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

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