September, 2022 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for September, 2022

JK Rowling Releases Chronological Bootleg Versions of the Harry Potter Series

  1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stove – Foodies rejoice. Harry and Co. hold you spellbound while conjuring magical dishes on Dumbledore’s hot plate
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions – Pubescent Harry locks himself in the bathroom and wrestles with the forces of acne
  3. Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan – The widow Taskin asks a conflicted Harry to materialize a few Euros to tide her over till her Social Security check arrives

    It’s not me. It’s my agent that’s the wizard.

  4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Egg Yolks – Harry and the Gang hop on the bodybuilding band wagon through liquid supplements. He gets so buff his Nimbus 2000 can barely move under the newly acquired weight.
  5. Harry Potter and the Ardor of the Penis – Sometimes a young wizard’s best friend is his other magic wand
  6. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Sausage – A botched breakfast order at an Ipswich Denny’s unleashes a cascade of evil breakfast meats Harry must contain
  7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows – When several young wizards are found drowned in a 6” wading pool, Harry has to get to the bottom of it – the case and not the pool

 

Comping soon: Harry Potter and the Very Profitable Sequel

Conversations I’ve Had in 2022

Me:    So what do you do for a living?

Them: I’m a typesetter.

Me:    Really. They still have those? Where do you work?

Them: In the 1700s.

Me:    OK. Well that’s a long way from here. How do you get there?

Them: Time machine.

Me:    Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?

Them: Because they don’t have these type jobs here.

 

Conversations I’ve Had in 1722

Me:    So what do you do for a living?

Them: I’m a word processor.

Me:    Hmmm. Never heard of that. Where do you work?

Them: In the 2200s.

Me:    Really. And how do you get there?

Them: Time machine.

Me:    Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?

Them: Too much of a process.

Me:    I know a guy you could job share with. Maybe you’ve met him on your commute.