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Posts Tagged ‘harry’

JK Rowling Releases Chronological Bootleg Versions of the Harry Potter Series

  1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stove – Foodies rejoice. Harry and Co. hold you spellbound while conjuring magical dishes on Dumbledore’s hot plate
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions – Pubescent Harry locks himself in the bathroom and wrestles with the forces of acne
  3. Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan – The widow Taskin asks a conflicted Harry to materialize a few Euros to tide her over till her Social Security check arrives

    It’s not me. It’s my agent that’s the wizard.

  4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Egg Yolks – Harry and the Gang hop on the bodybuilding band wagon through liquid supplements. He gets so buff his Nimbus 2000 can barely move under the newly acquired weight.
  5. Harry Potter and the Ardor of the Penis – Sometimes a young wizard’s best friend is his other magic wand
  6. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Sausage – A botched breakfast order at an Ipswich Denny’s unleashes a cascade of evil breakfast meats Harry must contain
  7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows – When several young wizards are found drowned in a 6” wading pool, Harry has to get to the bottom of it – the case and not the pool

 

Comping soon: Harry Potter and the Very Profitable Sequel

Make-Believe Fiction

The real fictional characters.

The real fictional characters: Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Living in the shadow of a more illustrious brother is never easy. Just ask Jesus’s baby brother James of Nazareth. Sibling rivalry is one thing but try being in competition when your brother is the Son of God – “Hey mom, here’s an ashtray I made at school.” “That’s very good Jimmy.” vs “Behold Mother Mary, here are 5000 loaves of bread I made out of thin air.” A brother could develop an inferiority complex living in the shadow of such an overachiever.

Sibling rivalries run deep – sometimes even into the lives of fictional brothers. Case in point; Harry Potter’s younger and less publicized brother, Clarence. This black sheep wizard of the family was no miracle worker. The best he could do was transform a loaf of bread into 15 pieces of toast. It was difficult following in the broom exhaust of his high-flying brother Harry. For example Clarence was not admitted to Hogwarts due to low test scores on his WAT (Wizard Aptitude Test), so instead of Hogwarts, he attended Hogwash. Whereas Harry took advanced classes in Charms and Potions, Clarence took remedial classes in Pull-my-finger and Got-your-nose. It was very demeaning. At one point he even blew-up the Alchemy Lab trying to transform ice into water. This kid was limited. He couldn’t get a Bunsen burner straight. Some even suspected he was a Muggle and had no magical powers at all except for writing his name in the snow with his magic wand. Read the rest of this entry »