Archive for December, 2019

“Global Boring” Threatens Social Cohesion

Global Boring thwarts throats from warbling small talk. Can we survive it?

A United Nations report warns that Social Climate Change is drying up reservoirs of small talk faster than they can be refilled. This drought of amiable conversation has forced some chit-chat-challenged countries to opt out of small talk altogether, leaving their muzzled citizenry speechless. As more nations begin pulling the plug on small talk, it has created an unsustainable social climate of too many tight-lipped wallflowers clamming-up at too few social events. Anthropologists have named this dreary and dangerous planetary condition Global Boring. What was once an easy and friendly, “Hey, what’s up? How you doin’?” has morphed into a pained and stilted “Your separateness disturbs me. Please leave.” 

A worldwide drought of basic chit-chat has landed small talk on the endangered speechies list. It’s sad to think homo sapiens have devolved from erect and engaging conversationalists into slack-jawed text monkeys. If the current rate of stilted conversation continues, social scientists predict small talk will be extinct by 2050 and will be replaced by a few symbolic emojis expressing everything from “Excuse me good sir, may I use your chamber pot” to “Y’know a lint trap is just Banana Republic’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a new shirt.”

The only place small talk remains unchanged is in the bedroom, where the immortal exclamation of “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” is still breathlessly expressed as “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” This time-honored pledge of allegiance to each other, is indivisible; with liberty and just-ass for all. Read the rest of this entry »

Epitaphs: They’re Killin’ Me

He’s in Jeopardy, but he’s wheely fortunate too.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

  1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
  2. You should see the other guy
  3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
  4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
  5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
  6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
  7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
  8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
  9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
  10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
  11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
  12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
  13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
  14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
  15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
  16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
  17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
  18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
  19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
  20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
  21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
  22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
  23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
  24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
  25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
  26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
  27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”