Posts Tagged ‘funny’

These Mental Morsels are Quipilicious

Merry Chlistmas everyone!
I know. There’s Noel in Christmas
What’s New in Books?
Archivists have found an alternate manuscript to Amy Alcott’s “Little Women” titled “Very Little Women” where all the women are under 3 feet tall
Maybe Immanuel Kant, but Immanuel better. 
Who can ever forget 27 years and 42 days ago?
In case you did, it was May 17th, 1997. (written on June 28, 2024)
George Washington was asked if because of “urological” issues in the Revolutionary War, that instead of being known as the Continental Army, the troops were known as the Incontinental Army?
He answered, “Depends.”
Dave’s Life Hack #363:
Remember, you cannot email escargot.
Escargot can only be sent by snail mail.
People, this is no time for frivolity.
(wait for it, wait for it)
OK, now it is. 🥸
God tells underachieving teenager he must attend summer school and pass his Kidney class. Otherwise he faces Kidney Failure.
Just a heads up everybody – I’ve NOT been hacked.
It’s the same old goofy me, meeting the low bar of friendship we have.
How Gullible are You?
IF YU Kan Reed THS, Y’ve alreddy wasted 5 sekonds of yur Lyfe. Zeriously
What if…Oh never mind. Then again, maybe. Right?
Cuz, y’know, it could. In fact, it probably is.
This new Chinese restaurant is kinda glum. At the end of the meal, they give you an Unfortunate Cookie.
And, according to their website, you have to accept their cookies.
I visited the Oreos website and a pop-up asked me if I’d accept their cookies.
Of course. That’s why I’m there. For the cookies.
What am I missing here:
May the June 4th be with you?
I have nothing to say right now. And it shows.”
The above quip was written for David Hardiman by AI
Ho Hum.
Sitting around, doin’ nuthin’.
I am now Bored Certified. And qualified to practice being bored at any NV hospital. Yes!

Random Things That are a Kinda Funny and Mildly Provocative

Conversations You Don’t Hear Anymore:

  1. Sea Captain: These dodo birds are delicious.

        First Mate:     Yeah, and there’s so many of them we’ll never run out.


  1. The Skipper: Hey little Buddy, maybe you should spend more time in my hammock.

       Gilligan:  No and Hell No. I hope I’m never shipwrecked on a deserted island with you. Oh wait…damn it.


  1. Are you still on the phone?
       No, you can use it now.


  1. Boy, my iron lung really gets in the way when we go camping.


  1. And when you meet Mr. Shakespeare, please, don’t call him Billy


  1. No one is going to want to pay extra for airbags.


  1. (Translated from Italian) Leonardo, there is no such thing as a heavier-than-air machine. That idea just won’t fly.


  1. There’ll be a Big Bang and galaxies will form and life will arise from a Primordial Soup and it’ll be so cool.

         OK, but what would be the purpose of it all?


  1. (Translated from Ectoplasm language) An amoeba feeling horny and coming on to itself: I’m up for a little mitosis. Are you? Let’s have a little fun and split.





 Conjugating the Verb “Amtrak” and “Amish”


Standard English

I                 Amtrak                         I                 Amish

He/she       Istrak                            He/She         Isish

They          Aretrak                         They                  Areish



What Do You Call People From…?

1. Antwerp…. Twerps

2. Jacksonville…. The Village People

3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits

4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees

5. Livermore…. Livermorons

6. Dubai…. Doobies

7. Auckland…. Awkwards

8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers

9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed

10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs

11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket

12. Las Vegas…. Vegans

13. Buffalo…. Carnivores

14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)

15. Budapest…. Budapestilents

16. Paris…. Snooty

16. Reno…. Renoites

17. Denver…. Denverites

18. Overb…. Overbites

19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy

20. Brussels…. Sprouts

21. Moscow…. Drunks

22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders

23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth

24. England…. Limeys

25. Lima…. Limays

26. Greece…. Slimeys

27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys

28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls

29. Liverpool…. Beatles

30. Helsinki…. Helfloati

31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers

32. Hanoi…. Hannoying

33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.

34. Eugene…. Eugenies

35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens

36. Seattle…. Satellites

37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites

38. Detroit…. Detroiters

39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters

40. Fargo…. Fargoners

41. Catville…. Pussies

42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers

43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst

44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes

45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)

46. The Hague…. The The’s

47. Rome…. Roamers

48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders

49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses

50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians

51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys

52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks

53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians

54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies

55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys

56. Lisbon…. Lisbians

57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes

58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets

59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns

60. Narnia…. Narnians

61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists

62. Sweden…. Sweetish

63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians

64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that

65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)

66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits

And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.

Epitaphs: They’re Killin’ Me

He’s in Jeopardy, but he’s wheely fortunate too.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

  1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
  2. You should see the other guy
  3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
  4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
  5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
  6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
  7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
  8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
  9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
  10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
  11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
  12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
  13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
  14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
  15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
  16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
  17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
  18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
  19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
  20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
  21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
  22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
  23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
  24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
  25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
  26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
  27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

“Houston, We’ve Got a Problem.” And it’s Hurricane Harvey

From the “Too Soon” Dept.

Nothing but Big Prayers, Big Sponges and a little humor for our inundated Texas brethren


          <<<< FNI: Fake News International presents >>>>
10 Abominations for which Texas is incurring the torrential wrath of God in the form of Hurricane Harvey

1. 9 lb. belt buckles

2. Having a city named Texarkana. Not to mention: Texlahoma, New Texico and Louisiexcess.

3. Ignoring little Harvey’s symptoms when he was just a manageable Tropical Depression and allowing him to develop into a full-blown Category 5 Psychotic Event. “The only place he’s calm is in his one good eye,” says Harvey’s mother Katrina.

4. Rampant heterosexuality: Whether it’s in the Garden of Eden or performed bareback on a mechanical bull, sin is sin and will not be tolerated.

5. Not letting us forget the Alamo. Alright we get it! We remember the Alamo although we don’t know why anymore.

6. Having a panhandle. What self-respecting state allows its citizens to live in a panhandle? Where are we – in the housewares department of a Wal*Mart, or in the bad ass state of Texas?

7. Making diners try to eat a 72 oz. steak in an hour (technically not Texas’s fault, but they never should have offered in the first place).

8. Selling 10-gallon hats that only holds 8 gallons of my 10-gallon piranha tank (learned that the hard way).

9. Letting Austin have all the fun

10. A bad job of keeping undesirables from crossing the border. Should’ve started by not allowing Lee “Harvey” Oswald back into Texas when the Soviet Union kicked him out in 1962.


HST (Having Said That), Hurricane Harvey’s landfall could’ve been a mistake. Maybe this rain of Biblical proportion was meant for Flint, Michigan. Their water system could use a good flushing.

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