funny | davidhardiman.com

Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Epitaphs: They’re Killin’ Me

He’s in Jeopardy, but he’s wheely fortunate too.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

  1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
  2. You should see the other guy
  3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
  4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
  5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
  6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
  7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
  8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
  9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
  10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
  11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
  12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
  13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
  14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
  15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
  16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
  17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
  18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
  19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
  20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
  21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
  22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
  23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
  24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
  25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
  26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
  27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

“Houston, We’ve Got a Problem.” And it’s Hurricane Harvey

From the “Too Soon” Dept.

Nothing but Big Prayers, Big Sponges and a little humor for our inundated Texas brethren

 

          <<<< FNI: Fake News International presents >>>>
10 Abominations for which Texas is incurring the torrential wrath of God in the form of Hurricane Harvey

1. 9 lb. belt buckles

2. Having a city named Texarkana. Not to mention: Texlahoma, New Texico and Louisiexcess.

3. Ignoring little Harvey’s symptoms when he was just a manageable Tropical Depression and allowing him to develop into a full-blown Category 5 Psychotic Event. “The only place he’s calm is in his one good eye,” says Harvey’s mother Katrina.

4. Rampant heterosexuality: Whether it’s in the Garden of Eden or performed bareback on a mechanical bull, sin is sin and will not be tolerated.

5. Not letting us forget the Alamo. Alright we get it! We remember the Alamo although we don’t know why anymore.

6. Having a panhandle. What self-respecting state allows its citizens to live in a panhandle? Where are we – in the housewares department of a Wal*Mart, or in the bad ass state of Texas?

7. Making diners try to eat a 72 oz. steak in an hour (technically not Texas’s fault, but they never should have offered in the first place).

8. Selling 10-gallon hats that only holds 8 gallons of my 10-gallon piranha tank (learned that the hard way).

9. Letting Austin have all the fun

10. A bad job of keeping undesirables from crossing the border. Should’ve started by not allowing Lee “Harvey” Oswald back into Texas when the Soviet Union kicked him out in 1962.

 

HST (Having Said That), Hurricane Harvey’s landfall could’ve been a mistake. Maybe this rain of Biblical proportion was meant for Flint, Michigan. Their water system could use a good flushing.

Image may contain: one or more people and textImage may contain: 1 person, smilingImage may contain: text