Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Conversations You Don’t Hear Anymore:

1. Sea Captain: These dodo birds are delicious.

        First Mate:     Yeah, and there’s so many of them we’ll never run out.

 

2. The Skipper: Hey little Buddy, maybe you should spend more time in my hammock.

       Gilligan:  No and Hell No. I hope I’m never shipwrecked on a deserted island with you. Oh wait…damn it.

 

3. Are you still on the phone?
      No, you can use it now.

 

4. Boy, my iron lung really gets in the way when we go camping.

 

5. And when you meet Mr. Shakespeare, please, don’t call him Billy

 

6. No one is going to want to pay extra for airbags.

 

7. (Translated from Italian) Leonardo, there is no such thing as a heavier-than-air machine. That idea just won’t fly.

 

8. There’ll be a Big Bang and galaxies will form and life will arise from a Primordial Soup and it’ll be so cool.

         OK, but what would be the purpose of it all?

 

9. (Translated from Ectoplasm language) An amoeba feeling horny and coming on to itself: I’m up for a little mitosis. Are you? Let’s have a little fun and split.

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Addendumb

 Conjugating the Verb “Amtrak” and “Amish”

 

Standard English

I                 Amtrak                         I                 Amish

He/she       Istrak                            He/She         Isish

They          Aretrak                         They                  Areish

 

 

1. Antwerp…. Twerps

2. Jacksonville…. The Village People

3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits

4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees

5. Livermore…. Livermorons

6. Dubai…. Doobies

7. Auckland…. Awkwards

8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers

9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed

10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs

11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket

12. Las Vegas…. Vegans

13. Buffalo…. Carnivores

14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)

15. Budapest…. Budapestilents

16. Paris…. Snooty

16. Reno…. Renoites

17. Denver…. Denverites

18. Overb…. Overbites

19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy

20. Brussels…. Sprouts

21. Moscow…. Drunks

22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders

23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth

24. England…. Limeys

25. Lima…. Limays

26. Greece…. Slimeys

27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys

28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls

29. Liverpool…. Beatles

30. Helsinki…. Helfloati

31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers

32. Hanoi…. Hannoying

33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.

34. Eugene…. Eugenies

35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens

36. Seattle…. Satellites

37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites

38. Detroit…. Detroiters

39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters

40. Fargo…. Fargoners

41. Catville…. Pussies

42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers

43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst

44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes

45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)

46. The Hague…. The The’s

47. Rome…. Roamers

48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders

49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses

50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians

51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys

52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks

53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians

54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies

55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys

56. Lisbon…. Lisbians

57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes

58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets

59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns

60. Narnia…. Narnians

61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists

62. Sweden…. Sweetish

63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians

64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that

65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)

66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits

And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
2. You should see the other guy
3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

From the “Too Soon” Dept.