From the “Too Soon” Dept.
Nothing but Big Prayers, Big Sponges and a little humor for our inundated Texas brethren
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10 Abominations for which Texas is incurring the torrential wrath of God in the form of Hurricane Harvey
1. 9 lb. belt buckles
2. Having a city named Texarkana. Not to mention: Texlahoma, New Texico and Louisiexcess.
3. Ignoring little Harvey’s symptoms when he was just a manageable Tropical Depression and allowing him to develop into a full-blown Category 5 Psychotic Event. “The only place he’s calm is in his one good eye,” says Harvey’s mother Katrina.
4. Rampant heterosexuality: Whether it’s in the Garden of Eden or performed bareback on a mechanical bull, sin is sin and will not be tolerated.
5. Not letting us forget the Alamo. Alright we get it! We remember the Alamo although we don’t know why anymore.
6. Having a panhandle. What self-respecting state allows its citizens to live in a panhandle? Where are we – in the housewares department of a Wal*Mart, or in the bad ass state of Texas?
7. Making diners try to eat a 72 oz. steak in an hour (technically not Texas’s fault, but they never should have offered in the first place).
8. Selling 10-gallon hats that only holds 8 gallons of my 10-gallon piranha tank (learned that the hard way).
9. Letting Austin have all the fun
10. A bad job of keeping undesirables from crossing the border. Should’ve started by not allowing Lee “Harvey” Oswald back into Texas when the Soviet Union kicked him out in 1962.
HST (Having Said That), Hurricane Harvey’s landfall could’ve been a mistake. Maybe this rain of Biblical proportion was meant for Flint, Michigan. Their water system could use a good flushing.