Archive for November, 2018

Tranquilizing Tubular Tabbies: Furry Sedatives for the Airborne

Forget about Snakes on a Plane. Cats on a plane is where it’s at.

Air travel can be fraught with lengthy TSA lines, final boarding calls and piddling little snacks even the Donner party would refuse. And that’s why after a whole minute of careful consideration, I propose the FAA reduce stress levels to the flying public by mandating that at least one highly trained service cat be placed aboard all domestic flights of over 2 hours. These soothing service kitties will go a long way toward tranquilizing a fuselage full of jittery passengers. I mean who among us would not be comforted to board a plane full of calming cats and watch the fur fly?

 

If boutique bookstores can have cats lolling languidly about the hardcovers, reminding us of our tranquil nature, why shouldn’t 737s have cats on seat backs and tray tables reminding us that maybe humans were meant to fly after all? What better way to soothe a fuselage full of fidgety fliers than to have a serene service cat entertain and relax them just by their presence. Each cat would be fully trained and tailored to their mission. For example, on overseas flights to Asia the airlines would employ Siamese Cats. In flights to Transylvania, Air Romania would use Scaredy Cats and in flying to San Francisco they’d use cats suffering from gender dysphoria. You get the idea. Heck, in Egypt, whose culture lionizes cats already, Egypt Air has actually qualified cats to fly in the 2 seat. And while lionizing cats may seem redundant, it’s more sensible than hero worshiping at a deli.  

 

Much like service dogs, these specially trained cats would be very companionable and instead of wearing vests that read “Service Dog, Do Not Pet”, they’d wear vests saying, “Service Cat, Do Not Lick.” That is, except when they’re in Ireland flying on Aer Lingus. On Aer Lingus using your tongue is not only acceptable, but is actually encouraged. As you can probably sense, the rollout of this “Flying Tigers” program will be problematic – littered with litter and filled with fur balls. 

 

Not just any cat would be allowed to join this litter box version of the mile-high club. Qualified fuselage felines would be composed, mature cats who’d pitter-patter down the aisle with their tails high and their dander low. Vetting these little flying tigers would be rigorous. But who would do the vetting? Why veterinarians of course. But not just any veterinarians. Retired military veterinarians. In other words, veteran veterinarians would vet. Read the rest of this entry »

Another Mass Shooting at Walgreens Pharmacy

At least 25 senior citizens were believed to have been shot this morning at a downtown Reno Walgreens Pharmacy. What we know so far is that they were all shot in the same appendage at close range and that miraculously every one of them has survived. Well no group has yet taken credit for the assault, no one is really disowning it either. This shooting seems to have been months in the planning. At a slowly arranged press conference, a Walgreens spokesman reminded everyone that each of these senior citizen voluntarily signed-up for their shot, just as they do every year during flu season: “We always shoot the old people first because they’re the most vulnerable population. Maybe ‘inoculate’ would be a better word to use than ‘shoot.’ ”  

 

As reports of the immunization circulated President Trump tweeted: “Had I known these senior citizens were in danger I would’ve stepped in and taken their shots for them.” The NRA had no comment on the latest in mass shootings except to say: “If hypodermic needles are outlawed, only outlaws will have hypodermic needles.”

 

Even in the wake of this mass shooting, Big Pharma is planning more nationwide shootings in order to protect the public from God-given pathogens. And the public seems willing to go along with anything that will shield them from the ravages of Cold & Flu season. A Big Pharma spokes-enabler said: “We firmly believe in shooting citizens for their own good. And that it’s vital to adhere to that portion of the 2nd Amendment facilitating these shots – The right to bare arms.”

As usual, our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who were shot.

Osgood Stickler: Modern Day Truant Officer

A fresh, young face in the exciting field of Truancy Enforcement. Don’t be late. Start your career today. But seriously, be on time. It’s one of the requirements. 

Hello everyone, my name is Osgood Stickler, and in case you haven’t guessed by now, I’m a stickler. My father was a stickler and his father was a Stickler. He’d better be. He was born Johann Stickler in Bavaria. Well, in Munich actually. In fact he was born in a second floor back bedroom on 1352 Manheim Strasse in Munich at a latitude of 48° 8′ 13.7544” N and a longitude of 11° 34′ 34.0464” E. See, I really am a stickler. So is it any wonder I’d gravitate toward the not-quite-a-policeman field of a Truancy Enforcement – a profession to which my persnickety nature and exacting expectations are well-suited? Some might argue that if my last name was Vlasic I’d gravitate to a job in the field of cucumbers. But it’s not. So I’m a Stickler, not a pickler. 

 

Now there’s a vast difference between a stickler and a person who suffers from OCD. I’m the normal one. I don’t nitpick. Oh sure I might enjoy coloring inside the lines more than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about average bears, let alone how they might color something. It has always been my tenet that if you do your duty and keep your nose clean, you’ll succeed. And it’s not just the nose. It’s other body parts too. But I think it’s important to start with the nose…and maybe include the ears. Basically you should keep clean any uncovered body part another person can see. The hidden parts, not so much – unless they start to smell worse than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about the smell of average bears?  

 

My interest in enforcing truancy laws began in the early 80’s when Dr. Stephen Hawking’s less cosmic brother Ralph, published his groundbreaking book A Brief History of Truancy. Alright, it was groundbreaking to me at least. In this special interest book Ralph Hawking deconstructs the salient epochs of truancy and brilliantly relates the enforcement of attendance requirements to the universe as a whole. In this masterly tome, Ralph Hawking traces a general history of absenteeism, enforced attendance and just plain being AWOL. It’s broken down by distinct Truancy eras:

  1. Truancy in Later Hominids: 40,000 BC-10,000 BC
  2. Truancy Before the Beatles: 10,000 BC-1963
  3. The Beatles: 1964-1970
  4. Truancy, Truancy, Truancy: Truancy in the time of Marcia Brady: 1971-1974
  5. Truancy in the time of Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors: 1975-present

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