Archive for April, 2018

How the World Would be Different if the Only Last Name Ever Allowed was Briscoe

  1. This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

    There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

  2. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
  3. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
  4. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
  5. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
  6. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
  7. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
  8. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
  9. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
  10. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
  11. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
  12. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
  13. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
  14. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
  15. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
  16. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
  17. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
  18. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
  19. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1st.
    • I thought Who was the 2nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1st and Briscoe’s on 2nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.
  20. Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel. Read the rest of this entry »

Herb’s House of Spices: Status Seasonings in a Spice Envy World

 

These granulated spices are what drove much of the early explorations of man. A very risky business, but that’s how bad food tasted in the Dark Ages.
“Get me some flavor,” commanded the King. “I don’t care if you do sail off the edge of the earth.”

Give your fellow foodies Spice Rack Envy. At Herb’s House of Spices no seasoning is too insignificant, no flavor too arcane, no spice too exotic in marketing needless flavors to an increasingly demanding American palate. And thanks to the Food Network in elevating simple food prep to an exercise in must-have gastronomic satisfaction, Herb’s Spices has created more seasonings than you can shake a shaker at. In fact we’ve created a full line of Status Spices to impress your friends with your condiment acumen. These “all show, no go” spices are useless in the kitchen, but look great on the rack. A list of our popularly priced seasonings are presented below.

Herb’s Status Spices

  1. Confectioners Cremains – Not what you think! Alright, exactly what you think. From our line of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” spices.
  2. Peanut-Infused Benadryl – Simultaneously creates and remedies anaphylactic shock in one convenient bottle.
  3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Marjoram – One pinch and you’ll agree: It’s not Marjoram. But I can’t believe it.
  4. Black Pepper Matters – Socially conscious seasoning that recognizes the value of all spices.
  5. Snalt –Imitation salt. For those on a sodium restricted diet.
  6. Pulverized Granulated Powder – No known use. Created solely to induce not only “Spice Envy” but “Spice Awe” in busybodies who sneak peeks into your spice drawers. Disclaimer: Herb’s Spices believe no one should have an uninvited peek into your drawers.
  7. Garlick Nuk – A stand-alone lickable Garlick Pacifier® served separately from your entrée. For all those pain in the ass people who need to order everything on the side. Check out our full line of Lickables® (some of which you must be over 21 to lick).
  8. Mostspice – An economic alternative to Allspice.
  9. Chinese 4-Spice – A budget Chinese 5-Spice at 80% the cost. Warning to Aluminum Allergy Sufferers: Chinese 4-Spice is made on machines also used in the processing of bauxite.
  10. Papricka – A rude take on Paprika. Tastes great, but, just like sausage, you don’t want to see how it’s made.
  11. Cardamom – Who the hell uses cardamom or even knows what it tastes like?
  12. Cardadad – Patriarchal version of cardamom.
  13. Turmeric – Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Pass the turmeric,” I’d owe money.
  14. Cannabis Buds – One pinch and you’ll understand why they are your buds.
  15. A Dash of Kardashian – From what I’m told it goes down very easily.
  16. Salt Paul – A religiously oriented spice alternative to Salt Peter.
  17. Star Anus – As expected, tastes like sh*t.
  18. Ground Chuck Berries – Limited supply. You do know he donated his body to science.
  19. Demon Seed – From Lucifer’s groin to your table. Pure ick with just a dash of evil.
  20. Ginger Spice – That would be Geri Halliwell from England’s Spice Girls and she’s not for sale.
  21. Unattached Honey – Not really a spice. In fact, not really honey. Apparently this Unattached Honey enjoys short romances and long embraces. This spicy number can be found in the Personal Ads section of your grocer’s seasoning aisle.
  22. Ground Molted Lobster Husks – A very popular seasoning among molted skin lovers who crave the briny, crunchy taste of Crustacea who’ve shed their exoskeleton. Note: Imitation Ground Molted Lobster Husks are also available for those who on the advice of a doctor are on a Ground Molted Lobster Husk restricted diet.
  23. This is Not Your Father’s Fenugreek – New take on an old classic – the fenugreek, not your father.
  24. Mrs. Dash’s Boy Toy, Mr. Abs – As expected it comes in a 6-pack and is available in shakable or Lickable® form.
  25. Finely Ground Pumice – A favorite in North Korea. It better be because it’s the only seasoning available.

The Bible: If It was Written by…

 

… IT Technicians

Genesis: The Book of DOS

Inspiration is where you find it. Interpretation is quite another thing.

In the Beginning there were vacuum tubes. And from that darkness emerged transistors. And God swept over the face of these primitive semiconductors and lo, the silicon chip did appear. The Almighty, whilst toiling in his garage in the constellation of Palo Alto Minor, did build his Earthly platform from whatever he had laying around: chicken wire, roofing shingles and old Playboy magazines. Yea verily. He built it he did. And he saw that it was good. And on that first day of Build 1.0 he proclaimeth the Earth as an ethically-sourced, sustainably-produced, fair-wage platform suitable for populating with his children. And so it was. And he programmed them so that they were fruitful and multiplied. Some fruitier than others – especially in the area known as San Francisco.

But all was not kosher in Denmark. His vast design was soon deconstructed and copied by angels who had fallen from the vault of heaven and became known as “hackers.” They pirated his Will and twisted it into a gross caricature of his original intent. Thus was born Original Malware. And so the world grew, strewn with good and bad which was expressed as long strings of 1’s and 0’s. The once pristine World Wide Web, a platform of limitless potential, had become a saturated thicket of cat videos and ads for penis-hardeners. And mankind began to lose his identity and fall back into the illusion of his separateness from his source. So much so that when purchasing things online, he was required to tell Big Brother, “I am not a robot.” Man reminding his father he is not a robot – how poignant. Read the rest of this entry »