How the World Would be Different if the Only Last Name Ever Allowed was Briscoe

How the World Would be Different if the Only Last Name Ever Allowed was Briscoe

  1. This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

    There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

  2. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
  3. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
  4. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
  5. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
  6. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
  7. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
  8. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
  9. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
  10. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
  11. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
  12. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
  13. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
  14. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
  15. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
  16. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
  17. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
  18. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
  19. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1st.
    • I thought Who was the 2nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1st and Briscoe’s on 2nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.

Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel.

  1. Victoria’s Secret? Still Victoria’s Secret. After all, Victoria is a first name. Although Victoria’s Briscoe does kinda make you wonder where her Briscoe might be located.
  2. Former Buffalo Bills wide receiver Marlon Briscoe would remain Marlon Briscoe and he would immediately be made our leader (my list, my rules).
  3. Cher would be known as Bris
  4. The Marx, Jonas and Everly Brothers would all be known as the Briscoe Brothers making it difficult to tell which Briscoe Brothers you were referring to. The Olsen Twins…The Briscoe Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Briscoe. The Dionne Quintuplets (points if you know who they are). The Briscoe Quintuplets.
  5. All law firms would henceforth be known as: Briscoe, Briscoe, Briscoe and Whatever
  6. Jeopardy! would be a lot easier.
  7. Everyone could name all the Presidents in order: Briscoe, Briscoe, Briscoe…
  8. Adolph Briscoe and Genghis Briscoe would still be very unpopular names.
  9. The Kardashians would be known as the Big Ass Briscoes.
  10. The TV shows Starsky & Hutch and Cagney & Lacey would both be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Of course the same is true with Simon & Garfunkel. So the question, “Do you like Briscoe & Briscoe?” would be a very confusing question.
  11. In fact, TV listings would have a lot of shows named Briscoe. Seinfeld for example would be Briscoe. Similarly Magnum PI would become Briscoe PI. The Briscoe Bunch. You get the picture. Hogan’s Heroes however, would not change their name at all (again my fantasy world, my fantasy privilege)
  12. Most people would drive a Briscoe or perhaps a 4WD Briscoe or even an electric Briscoe.
  13. Movies would never be the same. My Netflix cue might look like this:
    • Indiana Briscoe and the Temple of Doom
    • Saving Private Briscoe
    • Harry Briscoe and the Chamber of Secrets
    • Who Shot Liberty Briscoe?
    • Briscoe & Briscoe: The Concert in Central Park
    • Ferris Briscoe’s Day Off
    • Briscoe’s List
    • Forrest Briscoe
    • Briscoe of Arabia
    • When Harry Briscoe Met Sally Briscoe

Well that’s it gang. Those would be the only differences if everyone’s last name was Briscoe. Everything else would be absolutely norbal.


 Bonus Feature:

Quick List of Historical Personages if Everyone’s Last Name was Briscoe:

  1. Elvis Briscoe
  2. Mao Tse-Briscoe
  3. Briscoe the Hun
  4. Briscoe the Elder
  5. Briscoe the Younger
  6. Briscoe the Impaler
  7. Briscoe (Buddha)
  8. The Dalai Briscoe
  9. William Briscoe (Shakespeare or Shatner)
  10. Ringo Briscoe
  11. John Wilkes Briscoe
  12. Sigmund Briscoe
  13. Olive Briscoe (Olive Oyl)
  14. Mickey Briscoe (Mouse or Mantle)
  15. Briscoe (Charo)

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