The Bible: If It was Written by…

 

… IT Technicians

Genesis: The Book of DOS

Inspiration is where you find it. Interpretation is quite another thing.

In the Beginning there were vacuum tubes. And from that darkness emerged transistors. And God swept over the face of these primitive semiconductors and lo, the silicon chip did appear. The Almighty, whilst toiling in his garage in the constellation of Palo Alto Minor, did build his Earthly platform from whatever he had laying around: chicken wire, roofing shingles and old Playboy magazines. Yea verily. He built it he did. And he saw that it was good. And on that first day of Build 1.0 he proclaimeth the Earth as an ethically-sourced, sustainably-produced, fair-wage platform suitable for populating with his children. And so it was. And he programmed them so that they were fruitful and multiplied. Some fruitier than others – especially in the area known as San Francisco.

But all was not kosher in Denmark. His vast design was soon deconstructed and copied by angels who had fallen from the vault of heaven and became known as “hackers.” They pirated his Will and twisted it into a gross caricature of his original intent. Thus was born Original Malware. And so the world grew, strewn with good and bad which was expressed as long strings of 1’s and 0’s. The once pristine World Wide Web, a platform of limitless potential, had become a saturated thicket of cat videos and ads for penis-hardeners. And mankind began to lose his identity and fall back into the illusion of his separateness from his source. So much so that when purchasing things online, he was required to tell Big Brother, “I am not a robot.” Man reminding his father he is not a robot – how poignant.

By the seventh day of this pitched struggle between maleficent hackers and innocent surfers, God called for a day of rest. This was known as the first Cold Start. And all were grateful for the Lord’s password protected munificence. Amen. All power to our creator. He is very big and he is very strong thereby earning the now copyrighted nickname “Microsoft©.”

Soon updates and patches began to inoculate God’s children, so that evil was confined to troll centers in Russia and royal Nigerians needing assistance in trying to cash very large checks. And thus technology delivered man from the clutches of Luciferian evildoers and into protective embrace of Big Data. Hallelujah and praise be to our benevolent data aggregators.

And our Lord saw that a reboot was needed so he placed his IP Address in a medically-induced coma for 40 days and 40 nights. And none could access it. And woe unto thee who tried, for they turned to salt and were blown away by nearby metaphors. The empty void of no connectivity and no bars weighed heavily on the distracted-dependent flock. His loyal subjects bemoaned their fate and beseeched their Overlord, “Why-Fi father? Why-Fi? Please. We need your network up and running otherwise it’s back to reading newspapers (whatever they are). Do not forsake us dearest Digital One.”

But the Lord was unswayed. His customers felt abandoned, but he had never left them. They had left him. He was merely reminding his tremulous flock to cool it with the streaming services as it was very taxing on his server. And so the seas dried up and a new more Edenic virtual reality was laid bare in the Fertile Crescent of Mesopotamia. And the Almighty praised his new citadel of peace in the Middle East. He proclaimed it shall herald a new age of cooperation and tranquility for centuries to come.

Build 2.0 can’t come soon enough.  

 

…Travel Agents

The Book of Exodus: Getting the Hell Out of Dodge (Egypt actually)

The Jews would’ve been better off visiting the Catskills, where they’ve always been welcomed, instead of stacking stones in that barren sandbox better known as Egypt. Pyramid-centric nation-states always make for poor getaways. But sometimes forced marches at spear tip make for awkward mandatory vacations. The visiting Jews were given low-skill jobs as pyramid builders paying only room and board. They’d hoped to earn enough Frequent Pharaoh Cubits to upgrade from Steerage to Resort Class. Clearly this was a miserable way to spend your holiday; especially as it was advertised enticingly as a Lego Land on the Nile. 

Conditions were appalling. The food was gritty (about 80 grit, thanks to the frequent sandstorms) and the accommodations were deplorable (sand mattresses with a single papyrus blanket). At least the loincloths were free and the easily dug sandscape made for a handy litterbox…if you were a sphinx. But really, for God’s sake, is this any way to spend a vacation? It was like these Jews were slaves to the Pharaoh or something. And Pharaoh Thutmose II even had the temerity to send out brochures calling proclaiming “Don’t be a square. Come to the Land of Triangles.”

Luckily the Jews’ intrepid tour guide Moses had downloaded a killer “Sea-Parting App” that allowed his tourists (or what he called, “My people”) to flee their vacation early. Usually, one should beware the single-named prophet, but Moses was an exception. He got them out of Dodge and escorted them hurriedly via a very roundabout route to safety. They didn’t walk so much walk on water as they walked through it. Moses described their destination as a Promised Land where he claimed a banquet of Milk and Honey awaited them – and all of it kosher. The Jews however paid dearly for this “trip interruption insurance” and wandered about the desert for years until they finally cleared Customs. The company running their junket heard their pleas and delivered unto them manna from on high. After years of a nomadic existence the Semites eventually settled in Canaan and this is where the legend of Barbra Streisand first begins.

 

…Nerds

The Book of Thessalonians

The veracity of this Biblical Book is in serious doubt since none of us poindexters have ever met a Thessalonian, or are we aware of any country named Thessalonia – unless you count that virtual kingdom in World of Warcraft. We also suspect a historical misspelling. We believe it’s The Salonians and not The Thessalonians. Thounds like I’m lisping.

There was a Star Trek episode (S3 E9, but who’s counting) entitled the Tholian Web, where Captain Kirk is caught between space-time dimensions while the crew of the Enterprise works to retrieve him. I mean we all are familiar with that? But do any Thessalonians appear in the episode? Or even Salonians? No. So we’ll take a pass on this particular so-called Book of the Bible. I mean the rest of the Bible readily conforms to objective reality. However this Thessalonian thing is a little far-fetched for our taste. 

 

Little Known Books of the Bible that have been Purged for Clarity’s Sake

  1. The Book of Genesis: All the parts before Phil Collins
  2. Supplement to the Book of Psalms: Better Call Psaul
  3. LDS version of Deuteronomy: MitteRomney
  4. LSD version of Leviticus: Psychideleviticus
  5. The Housewives of Nazareth
  6. The Book of John, Paul, George and Ringo
  7. Joshua’s Book of Wacky Stories after Smoking too Much Frankincense and Myrrh
  8. Dixie, the Patron Saint of Cupholders
  9. Dolly, the Patron Saint of Cup Fillers
  10. The Book of Diverticulitis
  11. The Book of Ruth (only removed the part featuring the sordid exploits of the Babe)
  12. Corinthians (just the part where they keep referring to “fine Corinthian leather”)
  13. Our Lady of the Perpetual Garage Sale

 

The Book of David. Alright, The Chapter of David. OK, A Flimsy Little Essay by David.

Epistemology demands and scrupulousness requires the vetting of all things conjectural and if I’ve been of any service in that realm I’ll take abundant satisfaction in knowing I’ve brought some much needed light into our benighted world. I thank you for allowing me to end with a backhanded compliment to myself.   

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