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Posts Tagged ‘spice’

What’s in Your Spice Rack? –  The Many Flavors of Sex

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

  1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
  2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
  3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
  4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy

    Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

    4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

  5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
  6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
  7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
  8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
  9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
  10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
  11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
  12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
  13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
  14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
  15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.

Herb’s House of Spices: Status Seasonings in a Spice Envy World

 

These granulated spices are what drove much of the early explorations of man. A very risky business, but that’s how bad food tasted in the Dark Ages.
“Get me some flavor,” commanded the King. “I don’t care if you do sail off the edge of the earth.”

Give your fellow foodies Spice Rack Envy. At Herb’s House of Spices no seasoning is too insignificant, no flavor too arcane, no spice too exotic in marketing needless flavors to an increasingly demanding American palate. And thanks to the Food Network in elevating simple food prep to an exercise in must-have gastronomic satisfaction, Herb’s Spices has created more seasonings than you can shake a shaker at. In fact we’ve created a full line of Status Spices to impress your friends with your condiment acumen. These “all show, no go” spices are useless in the kitchen, but look great on the rack. A list of our popularly priced seasonings are presented below.

Herb’s Status Spices

  1. Confectioners Cremains – Not what you think! Alright, exactly what you think. From our line of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” spices.
  2. Peanut-Infused Benadryl – Simultaneously creates and remedies anaphylactic shock in one convenient bottle.
  3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Marjoram – One pinch and you’ll agree: It’s not Marjoram. But I can’t believe it.
  4. Black Pepper Matters – Socially conscious seasoning that recognizes the value of all spices.
  5. Snalt –Imitation salt. For those on a sodium restricted diet.
  6. Pulverized Granulated Powder – No known use. Created solely to induce not only “Spice Envy” but “Spice Awe” in busybodies who sneak peeks into your spice drawers. Disclaimer: Herb’s Spices believe no one should have an uninvited peek into your drawers.
  7. Garlick Nuk – A stand-alone lickable Garlick Pacifier® served separately from your entrée. For all those pain in the ass people who need to order everything on the side. Check out our full line of Lickables® (some of which you must be over 21 to lick).
  8. Mostspice – An economic alternative to Allspice.
  9. Chinese 4-Spice – A budget Chinese 5-Spice at 80% the cost. Warning to Aluminum Allergy Sufferers: Chinese 4-Spice is made on machines also used in the processing of bauxite.
  10. Papricka – A rude take on Paprika. Tastes great, but, just like sausage, you don’t want to see how it’s made.
  11. Cardamom – Who the hell uses cardamom or even knows what it tastes like?
  12. Cardadad – Patriarchal version of cardamom.
  13. Turmeric – Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Pass the turmeric,” I’d owe money.
  14. Cannabis Buds – One pinch and you’ll understand why they are your buds.
  15. A Dash of Kardashian – From what I’m told it goes down very easily.
  16. Salt Paul – A religiously oriented spice alternative to Salt Peter.
  17. Star Anus – As expected, tastes like sh*t.
  18. Ground Chuck Berries – Limited supply. You do know he donated his body to science.
  19. Demon Seed – From Lucifer’s groin to your table. Pure ick with just a dash of evil.
  20. Ginger Spice – That would be Geri Halliwell from England’s Spice Girls and she’s not for sale.
  21. Unattached Honey – Not really a spice. In fact, not really honey. Apparently this Unattached Honey enjoys short romances and long embraces. This spicy number can be found in the Personal Ads section of your grocer’s seasoning aisle.
  22. Ground Molted Lobster Husks – A very popular seasoning among molted skin lovers who crave the briny, crunchy taste of Crustacea who’ve shed their exoskeleton. Note: Imitation Ground Molted Lobster Husks are also available for those who on the advice of a doctor are on a Ground Molted Lobster Husk restricted diet.
  23. This is Not Your Father’s Fenugreek – New take on an old classic – the fenugreek, not your father.
  24. Mrs. Dash’s Boy Toy, Mr. Abs – As expected it comes in a 6-pack and is available in shakable or Lickable® form.
  25. Finely Ground Pumice – A favorite in North Korea. It better be because it’s the only seasoning available.