Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression:
- Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
- Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
- Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
- Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy
4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger
- White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
- Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
- Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
- Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
- G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
- Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
- Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
- Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
- Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
- Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
- Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.