Museums That Won’t Be Reopening Post-COVID

  1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
  2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
  3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
  4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
  5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.

    If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

  6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
  7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
  8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
  9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
  10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
  11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
  12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
  13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
  14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
  15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
  16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

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