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Posts Tagged ‘museum’

Museums That Won’t Be Reopening Post-COVID

  1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
  2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
  3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
  4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
  5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.

    If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

  6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
  7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
  8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
  9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
  10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
  11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
  12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
  13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
  14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
  15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
  16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

Least Visited Museums and Halls of Fame

  1. Anyone can curate a sanely organized museum. It takes someone with a really tilted uterus (or whatever the male equivalent is) to curate one of these more avant garde museums. 

    Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.

  2. Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie experience. At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
  3. Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
  4. Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
  5. Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
  6. Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
  7. Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
  8. Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
  9. International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.

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