Least Visited Museums and Halls of Fame

  1. Anyone can curate a sanely organized museum. It takes someone with a really tilted uterus (or whatever the male equivalent is) to curate one of these more avant garde museums. 

    Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.

  2. Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie experience. At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
  3. Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
  4. Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
  5. Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
  6. Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
  7. Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
  8. Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
  9. International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.

Note: This museum is not affiliated with the International House of Pancakes, but is affiliated with the Waffle House.

  1. Phlegm Museum – Shaped like a giant spittoon, the brain trust of this carefully curated mucous was slow to respond when visitors said the place left a bad taste in their mouths. Critics said the curators were phlegmatic in the face of phlegm. Its spin-off museum, “The Museum of Silent G’s,” was even less successful – visitors didn’t give a gnat’s ass about silent G’s.
  2. Death by It’s a Small World After All – A hospice-sponsored euthanasia alternative for terminally ill patients looking for a quick and peaceable final exit courtesy of Disney’s sweet, but lethal ride. One trip around the display in the infuriatingly slow boat to nowhere, while listening to verse after verse of ♫It’s a small world after all♫ and you’ll want to check out too.  
  3. The Museum of Irony – It’s iconic, ironic and absolutely moronic. Comments of a ferrous and non-ferrous iron-y define this museum whose employees are all named “Rusty.” I mean is this ironic or just stupid? At the entrance a hurdle reads: Must be able to get over yourself to enter. The gift shop doesn’t sell gifts – it only buys them. Ridiculously ironic.
  4. Rat’s Ass Museum (Le Musèe du Rodentia Derrière) – Fittingly, nobody seems to give a damn about this French museum. Attendance has been hurt by some of the #metoo rats claiming the entire museum is just an exploitation of female rats’ asses. Generally speaking though, visitors just don’t give a rat’s ass about a Rat’s Ass Museum.
  5. Death by Astonishment Museum – Visitors are exposed to boundary-dissolving, absolute truth; upon which their paradigm shift is so abrupt, they immediately vaporize, only to rematerialize in the White Light where they behold God and yada, yada, yada. It doesn’t help that it fragments its market by competing with “Death by It’s a Small World After All.”
  6. Museum of Intermittent Wipers – Open every other day. You go in, then you stop and wait. It gets misty. Then you go some more and wait again. Too punctuated. Restroom etiquette encourages you to urinate in Morse Code.
  7. The Museum of Enunciation – Although the museum’s architecture was rather pronounced, you couldn’t understand a thing the tour guide said.
  8. Bone on Bone Museum – If you can’t open a pickle jar, admission is free. The place is kinda creaky. Arthritis sufferers flock there for the Rheumatoid Lounge that serves up Cortisone Shots with copper bracelet chasers.
  9. Museum of Memes – Too many “m’s.” Was folded into the M&M Museum
  10. Museum of Musty Odors – This place stunk from the get-go. Most say you simply must smell its must smell. Located near the old rendering factory, the museum became known as the old factory for the olfactory. GPS guidance simply directs you to “Follow your nose.”
  11. The Museum of Walking on Eggshells (Le Musèe du Promenade en Coquille d’oeuf) – Replaced the old Museum of Walking on Hot Coals Museum whose many lawsuits doomed it to bankruptcy and whose lax coal-tending practices doomed it to incineration. Once inside, visitors complain they can’t say anything without being criticized. “It’s like walking on eggshells in there.” All visitors are provided a symbolic snap-on egg tooth to assist in breaking out of their shells.
  1. Museum of Least Visited Museums – Dioramas of poorly attended museums
    1. The Museum of Unnatural History – Ever see a St. Bernard impregnate a Chihuahua?
    2. The Museum of Dioramas – Very, very meta   
    3. Benedict Cumberbatch/Engelbert Humperdinck Museum of Polysyllabic Names – A mouthful people didn’t want to bother with.   
  2. Hall of Intestines – Understand firsthand what it was like for Jonah. You enter this moist museum at the mouth and exit in the rear. For those too squeamish to make it all the way through, there’s an emergency exit at the appendix. People complain that once they exit, they feel like sh*t.
  3. Madame Tussaud’s House of Cheese – Celebrity figures sculpted from government surplus cheese. The Pope is sculpted from Swiss (it’s Holy), the President from Cheetos, Hansel-n-Gretel from Cottage Cheese and the Blue Man Group from Bleu Cheese. You get the idea – appropriately-themed cheeses were used in the making of specific figures. For those who find people formed from animal products abhorrent, there’s also an entire vegan floor with tofu based likenesses.

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