Posts Tagged ‘least’

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. New England Damn Chowder – Favorite soup of Tourette sufferers
2. Cyrillic Alphabet Soup – It’s Greek to me
3. Split Bee – It hear it gives you a buzz
4. Chicken Poodle Soup – Made only from poodles who were euthanized
5. Vicious-soise – A stone cold soup made from really mean potatoes
6. Gaznacho – Another cold soup of congealed cheese and tomato
7. Maxistrone – When minestrone just isn’t enough
8. Italian Wedding Soup/Italian Divorce Soup – These soups have you coming and going
9. Dense Onion Soup – It’s a French Onion Soup, you just can’t get through to
10. Me So Soup – This soup is all about you. Also called Narcissisoup.
11. No Alarm Chili – Chili for white folk
12. Lobster Disc – A hard shell, hard drive programmable bisque

1. South Pole – It’s all there: The Tomb of the Unknown Penguin, Madame Tussaud’s Ice Museum and Roald Amundsen’s Craft Beer Emporium
2. North Pole – It’s all there: Pole Dancing Nightly (which at the North Pole lasts continuously from October to March). Visit Santa’s Workshop or Martha Stewart’s sweatshop.]
3. The Museum of Communicable Diseases – They’re all there: COVIDS 1-19, Pink Eye and Mono (also available in Stereo). Mask wearing is vigorously prohibited.
4. AmishLand Amusement Park – It’s all there: Purpose-driven Whittling, Wet Bonnet Contests and Barn Lowering (Not all barns are made to be raised. Sometimes they have to be lowered)
5. Lego Pyramids at Giza Reproduction – Faithfully built to 1:32 scale using real Lego pieces, it’s as much a waste of time and resources as the original pyramids. I think it sphinx, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure there are 3 sides to this story.
   

   To vacate, perchance to go on holiday – Bill S quoted from As You Like It

6. Syracuse, NY Fire Station #9. Two Light Bulb Attractions in one bulb. What a great idea:
   • The World’s Shortest Burning Light Bulb – First lit on April 3, 1972 it flashed for a barely perceptible half a nanosecond and has been dark for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of brevity and marvel, “Will you look at that. Just one fleeting flash – oh, when one thinks what might have been.”
   • The World’s Longest Unlit Light Bulb – After that same light bulb went out on April 3, 1972 it has remained screwed in, powered up and unlit for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of darkness and marvel, “Will you look at that – it’s still off.” Hopeful bulbers hold vigil for its return to illumination – probably just needs to be jostled.
7. The Gobi Desert – It’s all not there: sand, gravity, sand, air, sand, daytime, sand and nighttime. It’s like a great, uncrowded beach, but without water. The bonus part is it’s in Mongolia, so the barbecue is fantastic. And in an effort to promote tourism, the Mongolian government (whatever that is) doesn’t even require a visa. You can just show up. Zen Travel Guide gives it 0 Stars and yet also 5 Stars. Go figure.
8. The Equator – GPS tells you how close you are, “Warm…warmer…Warmer…HOT, HOT…You have arrived.” Remember, it’s not an Imaginary Line if you believe in it.
9. Game of Thrones Oat Maze – Like a corn maze, but only about 2 feet high. Fun for Corgis and maybe Peter Dinklage.
10. Bangkok – Really? There’s a place they call Bangkok. It wasn’t just a placeholder until they came up with a real name. Give me a break. Next thing you know there’ll be a lake named Titicaca.
11. Glasgow, Scotland – As I write this I’m actually motoring thru Glasgow on a tour bus or “coach” as they call it here in Scotland. Inspiration is where you find it. Fun Fact: People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians. The Beatles sang about this ♫Isn’t it good, Glaswegian Wood♫
12. Paris – 2 sister monuments to the venerable Eiffel Tower: The Eyeful Tower and The Awful Tower. The Eyeful Tower is really something to see while the Awful Tower features the kitschy Awful Falafel bistro.
13. The Crab Nebula – Best interstellar seafood this side of Pisces. It’s light-years better than the Red Lobster
14. Andromeda Galaxy – Place is absolutely out of this world
15. Bible Belt – Visit this shrine and get your truth on. Resolve all your issues by reading words chiseled by uncircumcised men whose barber and dentist were the same guy
16. The Boyhood Home of Chaz Bono – Visit Sonny & Cher’s offspring’s now genderless nursery of their daughter born Chastity Bono. It’s the non-binary experience of a lifetime.
17. Elizabeth Montgomery’s Broom Closet – What could be more bewitching than a backstage look at a TV witch’s broom closet? Plenty. Visitors take note, this broom closet was curated before the creation of the Nimbus2000. Be forewarned, any comment using the cliché “this broom closet has swept me off my feet” will result in immediate expulsion.
18. Bette Davis’s Laundry Hamper – See her unwashed memories as they were on the day she died Oct. 6, 1989. It’s all there: the size 1 cocktail dress she wore on her last Tonight Show appearance, lipstick stained sleeve where a nervous tic causes her to kiss her wrist, and for some reason Joan Crawford’s truss. Tour is hosted by a hologram of Roddy MacDowell. Movie-worn shoulder pads, cigarette holders and dress shields available for purchase in gift shop.
19. Three Corners Theme Park – Thrill to see where the states of Wyoming, Montana and Idaho share a common boundary. It’s all there:
    • • The Tomb of the Unknown Rancher – Don’t know who it is, but they’re pretty sure he died with his boots on
      • Native Americans with One Tear Streaming Down Their Cheek – Combine broken treaties, land usurpation and firewater intolerance and you’d be crying too. I have my reservations about visiting this reserv…I mean defined area where Indians must live.
      • Wyoming’s Stonehenge – 12 Plymouth Belvederes buried up to their tailfins, zodiacally arranged to align with the Summer Solstice
      • BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Administrator Hung in Effigy – Left dangling as a reminder to meddlers
      • Shrine to the Jolly Rancher – A celebration of the lighter side of ad hoc militias
      • Brokeback Mountain Roller Coaster – One trip on this dizzying ride and your orientation might be changed forever
      • .
20. The Museum of Recovered Memories – Make up a whole new past life or just think that you have. Remember, it’s not imaginary if you believe in it.

How to complicate life: Make it seem beneficial to fill your tires with 100% nitrogen instead of regular air which is already 78% nitrogen. Not a difference maker.

This list is inspired by real life events: My new Honda’s tires were filled with nitrogen. True. There are many advantages to this option they say, but the only one I can think of is as an inspiration for this list. I wish tires were filled with helium so cars would weigh less. Hmmm…must tweet Elon Musk about this. In any event, here are some other options of equal or lesser value:

1. Ear-Piercing Back up Beeper – Back up with all the self-importance of a cement truck. With this “Can You Hear Me Now” feature they’ll make way for you even if you are driving a dinky little Corolla. 
2. Urn Holders – More than just an ash-tray. Take your loved ones with you wherever you go. Perched just above the window, your cindered loved ones will appreciate peering out to see what they’ve been missing. Rhino horn holders also available.
3. Intermittent Braking: This feature randomly disables the regular brakes thereby allowing drivers the heart-stopping thrill of trying to locate the emergency brake in a hurry.
4. Rear Stabilizer Bar – Serves Beer and Wine to passengers in rear. If under 21 Rear Stabilizer Bar also serves Capri Sun juice pouches.
5. Blackout Windshield – Available only to instrument-rated drivers driving in IFR conditions
6. Self-Driving Miss Daisy Car – Driverless car answers commands in Morgan Freeman’s voice. At the end of each ride, we all understand each other more deeply.
7. Glove Box Lobster Tank – Make every excursion feel like you’re going to the Red Lobster. Must have waterproof registration and waterproof of insurance.
8. Frontview mirrors – The perfect companion piece to rearview mirrors. Allows driver to turn around, look behind into a mirror, to see what’s in front of them. Helpful when you tire of just sitting and looking straight ahead. Note: This option is more of a conversation piece than anything else. Must be a complete idiot to actually use it.
9. X-rated Transmission Hump – Talk about racy. This adults’ only hump comes in two styles: Missionary and Doggy.
10. Ice Bucket Challenge Seats – A different kind of bucket seat. When you least expect it a shower of ice cubes pours down from the headliner. Comes in handy when feeling drowsy. Also supports ALS sufferers, although no one knows exactly how.
11. Phone Tree Announcement Changer – Ties in with iPhone and allows caller to erase the stupid part of the announcement that says, “If this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 9-1-1.” Also removes the “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.” Very satisfying.
12. 130-gallon Windshield Washer Reservoir – Fill it once and forget it. Adds a road-hugging 1000 lbs. of liquid ballast while lowering the vehicle’s center of gravity. Even in the windiest of conditions, never again worry about tipping over.
13. Heated Spare Tire – Some say it’s frivolous, but who doesn’t like a nice toasty donut.
14. Glass-Bottom Car – AKA The Reverse Sunroof. Instead of a window on the world above, you can now get a window on the world below. A clear acrylic sheet across the floorboards allows you to watch the world rush by under your feet. This way you can drive and keep your eyes on the road.
15. Pumpkin Spice Gas Cap – Who says petrol and squash aroma don’t mix?
16. Oval Tires – Great for evening out the most obtrusive of speed bumps. Guarantees your kids will be born dizzy.
17. Tom Carvel’s gravelly voice narrates the onboard GPS – Google him or substitute Harvey Fierstein if you’d like.
18. Old School Anti-ABS – This Anti Anti-Lock brake System removes the ABS requirement and allows you to “Make Breaking Great Again.” No more “so-called” controlled stops with this feature. Once you slam on the brakes you’re skidding till you stop, just like God intended.
19. Light Indicating Low Self-Esteem – The ultimate idiot light. If you’re insecure enough to purchase this option, then it deserves to stay on.
20. Digestive Gas Gauge – This digestive aid tells you exactly how much gas is in your system, or if you’re just full of sh*t. Must purchase companion “Slim-Fit” anal probe.
21. Fluid Level Cluster – Tells you exactly how much fluid is in your Bladder and whether you can make it to the next stop.
22. Engine-mounted Panini Maker – Leave hungry and arrive at your destination with a grilled Ham & Brie sandwich courtesy this feature that smartly presses a sandwich between the bottom of hood and top of engine manifold. Grill marks are etched to perfection. Think of it as a huge carbon footprint Panini maker.
23. Get the Option that never stops tinkling: Roof Mounted Wind Chimes. Make your vehicle a New Age Dreamboat. Who doesn’t like to tinkle?
24. Specialized 20-speaker Audio system that just listens. Then it empathizes and eventually counsels you on ways to overcome life’s obstacles. Must combine with self-esteem gauge.
25. Run Flat Goulash-filled Tires – Can substitute Tuna Noodle Casserole. Nitrogen not available.
26. Seats Treated with FartGard – Drive comfortably with greater peace of cheeks with this TMI feature. If you fart into it, it farts back. It detects, calculates and displays total number of farts in all seats and their relative humidity upon initial discharge. Again, more than you want to know, and it might make you queasy, but please, if you are experiencing a medical emergency, stop reading and call 9-1-1.

1. 

   Anyone can curate a sanely organized museum. It takes someone with a really tilted uterus (or whatever the male equivalent is) to curate one of these more avant garde museums. 

   Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.

2. Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie experience. At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
3. Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
4. Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
5. Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
6. Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
7. Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
8. Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
9. International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.

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