attractions | davidhardiman.com

Posts Tagged ‘attractions’

Under Appreciated Tourist Attractions (and for good reasons)

  1. South Pole – It’s all there: The Tomb of the Unknown Penguin, Madame Tussaud’s Ice Museum and Roald Amundsen’s Craft Beer Emporium
  2. North Pole – It’s all there: Pole Dancing Nightly (which at the North Pole lasts continuously from October to March). Visit Santa’s Workshop or Martha Stewart’s sweatshop.]
  3. The Museum of Communicable Diseases – They’re all there: COVIDS 1-19, Pink Eye and Mono (also available in Stereo). Mask wearing is vigorously prohibited.
  4. AmishLand Amusement Park – It’s all there: Purpose-driven Whittling, Wet Bonnet Contests and Barn Lowering (Not all barns are made to be raised. Sometimes they have to be lowered)
  5. Lego Pyramids at Giza Reproduction – Faithfully built to 1:32 scale using real Lego pieces, it’s as much a waste of time and resources as the original pyramids. I think it sphinx, but that’s just my opinion. I’m sure there are 3 sides to this story.

    To vacate, perchance to go on holiday – Bill S quoted from As You Like It

  6. Syracuse, NY Fire Station #9. Two Light Bulb Attractions in one bulb. What a great idea:
    • The World’s Shortest Burning Light Bulb – First lit on April 3, 1972 it flashed for a barely perceptible half a nanosecond and has been dark for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of brevity and marvel, “Will you look at that. Just one fleeting flash – oh, when one thinks what might have been.”
    • The World’s Longest Unlit Light Bulb – After that same light bulb went out on April 3, 1972 it has remained screwed in, powered up and unlit for over 50 consecutive years. Visitors flock to this shrine of darkness and marvel, “Will you look at that – it’s still off.” Hopeful bulbers hold vigil for its return to illumination – probably just needs to be jostled.
  7. The Gobi Desert – It’s all not there: sand, gravity, sand, air, sand, daytime, sand and nighttime. It’s like a great, uncrowded beach, but without water. The bonus part is it’s in Mongolia, so the barbecue is fantastic. And in an effort to promote tourism, the Mongolian government (whatever that is) doesn’t even require a visa. You can just show up. Zen Travel Guide gives it 0 Stars and yet also 5 Stars. Go figure.
  8. The Equator – GPS tells you how close you are, “Warm…warmer…Warmer…HOT, HOT…You have arrived.” Remember, it’s not an Imaginary Line if you believe in it.
  9. Game of Thrones Oat Maze – Like a corn maze, but only about 2 feet high. Fun for Corgis and maybe Peter Dinklage.
  10. Bangkok – Really? There’s a place they call Bangkok. It wasn’t just a placeholder until they came up with a real name. Give me a break. Next thing you know there’ll be a lake named Titicaca.
  11. Glasgow, Scotland – As I write this I’m actually motoring thru Glasgow on a tour bus or “coach” as they call it here in Scotland. Inspiration is where you find it. Fun Fact: People from Glasgow are called Glaswegians. The Beatles sang about this ♫Isn’t it good, Glaswegian Wood
  12. Paris – 2 sister monuments to the venerable Eiffel Tower: The Eyeful Tower and The Awful Tower. The Eyeful Tower is really something to see while the Awful Tower features the kitschy Awful Falafel bistro.
  13. The Crab Nebula – Best interstellar seafood this side of Pisces. It’s light-years better than the Red Lobster
  14. Andromeda Galaxy – Place is absolutely out of this world
  15. Bible Belt – Visit this shrine and get your truth on. Resolve all your issues by reading words chiseled by uncircumcised men whose barber and dentist were the same guy
  16. The Boyhood Home of Chaz Bono – Visit Sonny & Cher’s offspring’s now genderless nursery of their daughter born Chastity Bono. It’s the non-binary experience of a lifetime.
  17. Elizabeth Montgomery’s Broom Closet – What could be more bewitching than a backstage look at a TV witch’s broom closet? Plenty. Visitors take note, this broom closet was curated before the creation of the Nimbus2000. Be forewarned, any comment using the cliché “this broom closet has swept me off my feet” will result in immediate expulsion.
  18. Bette Davis’s Laundry Hamper – See her unwashed memories as they were on the day she died Oct. 6, 1989. It’s all there: the size 1 cocktail dress she wore on her last Tonight Show appearance, lipstick stained sleeve where a nervous tic causes her to kiss her wrist, and for some reason Joan Crawford’s truss. Tour is hosted by a hologram of Roddy MacDowell. Movie-worn shoulder pads, cigarette holders and dress shields available for purchase in gift shop.
  19. Three Corners Theme Park – Thrill to see where the states of Wyoming, Montana and Idaho share a common boundary. It’s all there:
      • The Tomb of the Unknown Rancher – Don’t know who it is, but they’re pretty sure he died with his boots on
      • Native Americans with One Tear Streaming Down Their Cheek – Combine broken treaties, land usurpation and firewater intolerance and you’d be crying too. I have my reservations about visiting this reserv…I mean defined area where Indians must live.
      • Wyoming’s Stonehenge – 12 Plymouth Belvederes buried up to their tailfins, zodiacally arranged to align with the Summer Solstice
      • BLM (Bureau of Land Management) Administrator Hung in Effigy – Left dangling as a reminder to meddlers
      • Shrine to the Jolly Rancher – A celebration of the lighter side of ad hoc militias
      • Brokeback Mountain Roller Coaster – One trip on this dizzying ride and your orientation might be changed forever
      • .
  20. The Museum of Recovered Memories – Make up a whole new past life or just think that you have. Remember, it’s not imaginary if you believe in it.