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Posts Tagged ‘sex’

What’s in Your Spice Rack? –  The Many Flavors of Sex

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

  1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
  2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
  3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
  4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy

    Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

    4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

  5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
  6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
  7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
  8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
  9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
  10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
  11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
  12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
  13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
  14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
  15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.

Forefathers: They’re Just Like Us

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

Would you believe George Washington slipped his new bride the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly or that he had a porno stash that would make Hugh Hefner blush? Well just like George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, neither can I because everything I’ve written is true. Yes, the Father of our Country was not only an intrepid patriot, but he was also a gentleman horndog. Let me explain. George Washington’s gallant passions are all spelled out in decidedly non-lurid fashion in Ron Chernow’s book entitled Washington. Upon marrying that plump little vixen Martha (the richest widow in Virginia) in 1759, George Washington took the same derring-do he brought to the battlefield, to the bedroom. For example, George Washington braved great risk in conquering the fleshy desires of his new bride with the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly because, at that time, colonial Virginia was a No Fly Zone.   Read the rest of this entry »

Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number

Mr. Hardiman, please get a clue.

Why Mr. Hardiman. Please get a clue. Don’t you know who this is?

As an inveterate New York Times crossword puzzle solver, I’d hit a dead end with 28 Across. 8 letters starting with d and ending in s. The clue read “Certain numbers.” Hmmm, I pondered; unable to shrink “denominators” or stretch “digits” into 8 letters. Having spent an embarrassingly long time ruminating over it and having exhausted every internet crossword site, I decided to call the New York Times Crossword Clue 976 number where I’d get the answer to my clue and the closure I so dearly sought. At $2 per minute though, I’d need to be quick about it or I’d rack up certain enormous numbers. Evidently in my haste to expedite matters, I misdialed (mis-poked really) and unknowingly called a phone sex number. I should’ve known something was amiss when the lady on the other end said, “Listen honey, do you know who you dialed? You haven’t got a clue do you?”

“No. I do have a clue,” I protested. “I do have a clue and it’s 28 across…8 letters…certain numbers. Any ideas?” 

“We get this a lot of this sweetie. You misdialed,” she instructed me. “This is 976-KISS, not 976-CLUE. You need to dial certain numbers to speak to the proper party.” I quickly hung up.

Yikes! I’d accidentally called a phone sex operator and it was now part of my permanent record. I was unclean. I wondered if I wouldn’t be allowed within 100 yards of Taylor Swift or locked out of the Disney Channel. But as the experience settled in and my curious mind began to consider this industry as an economic entity, I did some research and began an examination of this unique service from a labor management point of view. What I discovered was worth reading all the way to the end. Especially if you want to know the answer to the crossword puzzle clue.  I did not realize the industry was on the cusp of unionizing. You can learn a lot from doing crossword puzzles. Here’s my report:   Read the rest of this entry »

Teenager’s First Sexual Experience Reconfigures Brain

  • Calls event “Hecka Rad, Way Better than Gaming and Profoundly Filthy in a Good Way”
  • Vows to repeat act to the exclusion of all else
  • College likely to be a six year plan now
  • Tells parents,”Mom, Dad – I’m all about bullet points now” 

Parents to Kyle: “Get over it already, kid.”

Steubenville, OH

Hyperventilation marked the first sexual congress between Kyle Mahorn (age unimportant) and Sara Chambers (age also unimportant). This premeditated coitus went off as planned last Sunday morning when Kyle’s parents were praying at St. John the Baptist Church. “I’m just beside myself,” an excited Kyle gushed after gushing. “I’m like completely a convert to ‘strange’ now. I mean I’d heard all about it and I’d spent a lot of time practicing alone, but I never thought it’d be like this. All the time you hear about the fraying of society and the loss of community and all this disintegration stuff, but this…this is like interstellar superglue and will bind a society together faster than martial law or Costco coupons ever could. Boy Howdy, this thing looms large in my future and will naturally cause me to straighten up and fly right…well straighten up anyway. Man, I’ve got to tell everybody how good this is, although I’m probably just preaching to the choir.”

 

When asked why his passion with Ms. Chambers was so transformative, Kyle got that far away look in his groin and explained; “I’d always looked at sex as sort of a solo act because that’s the way I’d been doing it for the past (number of years unimportant), but when I was with sweet, sweet Sara, I found the more I thought about her, the more my universe compressed into an infinite singularity until va va voom – the Big Bang. I’ve since developed an intense affection for her and plan to repeat the experience to the exclusion of all else. In fact it’s not even a plan. It’s just something I’m going to do.”

 

“It’s funny how perspectives can change. Until now I’ve always been vitally interested in playing World of Warcraft, but since I’ve made love to sweet, sweet Sara, somehow whether the the Druids of Le Grange can storm the armory and retake ancestral Beulah Land just doesn’t seem so important now. No, this act, and it’s no act, is a real game changer. Sara possesses telekinetic powers. She just looks at my pants and they begin to move. In the middle of our lovemaking it struck me how much unnecessary complaining people do when they should be down on their hands and knees doing exactly what I was doing. This is a free gift to mankind. You can even pay for it if you want to. The point is this should be the headline everyday, everywhere:  Sex allows transcendence of space-time. Confirms Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity.”

“And Sara, sweet, sweet Sara. Like I say, I’m attached to her in ways I can’t explain. I want to have her children, buy her a house, protect her from evil and if marriage charts are any indication, divorce her in 12 years and repeat the process with someone else. It’s that good!”

Kyle continued, “Anyway this is my calling. It’s all I want to do and although I may not be God’s gift to women, they sure are to me.”

Sociologist estimate this freakish hallucination occurs in American males somewhere around 5000 times a day, more so on weekends.