Teenager’s First Time Reconfigures Brain

  • Calls experience “Hecka Rad, Way Cool and Profoundly Filthy”
  • Vows to repeat act to the exclusion of all else
  • College likely to be a six year plan
  • Tells parents,”Mom, Dad – I’m all about bullet points now” 
  • Parents to Kyle: “Get over it already.”

    Steubenville, OH

    Hyperventilation and a stopwatch marked the first sexual congress between Kyle Galvin (age unimportant) and Sara Chambers (age very unimportant). The premeditated act went off as planned last Sunday morning while Mr. & Mrs. Galvin were attending services at St. John the Baptist Church. “I’m just beside myself,” an excited Kyle gushed after gushing. “I’m like completely a convert to reproduction now. I mean I’d heard all about it and I’d spent a lot of time practicing alone, but I never thought it’d be like this. All the time you hear about the fraying of society and the loss of community and all this disintegration stuff, but this…this is like interstellar Superglue and will bind a society together faster than American Idol or any Groupon ever could. Boy Howdy, this thing looms large in my future and will naturally cause me to straighten up and fly…well straighten up anyway. Man, I’ve got to tell everybody how good this is, although I’m probably just preaching to the choir.” 

     

    When asked why his passion with Ms. Chambers was so transformative, Kyle got that far away look in his groin as he explained; “I’d always looked at sex as sort of a solo act because that’s the way I’d been doing it for the past (number of years unimportant), but when I was with sweet, sweet Sara, I found the more I thought about her, the more my universe compressed into an infinite singularity until va va voom – the Big Bang. My universe is still expanding. I’ve since developed an intense affection for her and plan to repeat the experience to the exclusion of all else. In fact it’s not even a plan. It’s just something I’m going to do.” 

    “It’s funny how perspectives can change. Until now I’ve always been vitally interested in Presidential history, but since I’ve made love to sweet, sweet Sara, somehow the Monroe Doctrine has lost some of its luster. No, this is a real game changer. Sara possesses telekinetic powers. She just looks at my pants and they begin to move. In the middle of our lovemaking it struck me how much unnecessary complaining people do when they should be down on their hands and knees doing exactly what I was doing. This is a free gift to mankind. You can even pay for it if you want to.” All this seemed to confirm Einstein’s famous quote: Sex is the only thing I know where, for just an instant, you live in eternity.

    “And Sara, sweet, sweet Sara. Like I say, I’m attached to her in ways I can’t explain. I want to have her children, buy her a house, protect her from evil and, if marriage charts are any indication, divorce her in 12 years and repeat the process with someone else. It’s that good!”  

    Kyle continued, “Anyway this is my calling. It’s all I want to do and although I may not be God’s gift to women, they sure are to me.” 

    Sociologist estimate this freakish hallucination occurs in American males somewhere around 5000 times a day, more so on weekends.

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