Posts Tagged ‘home’

There’s No Place Like Home

People never have to leave home now. They can be home-birthed, home-schooled and work from home. They can have meals and groceries home-delivered.

If they get sick – homeopathy.

All their friends – homies.

All their hits – homers.

They can even visit the Great Outdoors by sitting on their ovens where they’re Home, Home on the Range.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.

Home Improvement Ideas for 2021

  1. Mirror That Makes You Look 10 Years Younger – Not recommended for children under 10 who become frightened when they look into their past life.
  2. Riding Vacuum from John Deere – Don’t let those 8000 sq. feet of carpeting in your mansion gather dust. Keep them spotlessly clean with a Riding Vacuum from John Deere. Why not get one for each floor. You’ll find that Riding Vacuums suck a lot more than you think. And they practically disappear into the interior design when covered with their included Riding Vacuum Cozy.
  3. Peeing Sink – Once you try this new streaming device you’ll never go back to aiming
  4. This is your brain on cauliflower.

    Refrigerator that dispenses crushed ice, cubed steak and chipped beef

  5. Techno Doggy Door – A microchip-activated pet door that allows your chipped pet indoor/outdoor privileges. Works with husbands too, providing they’re also chipped. Even works with beef, as long as it’s chipped beef.
  6. Programmable Paint from Microsoft – Paint your room one time, then set it and forget it. Alter the color as you see fit, when you see fit. Note: Paint must be chipped, even though most people don’t like chipped paint.
  7. Detached Manger – No room in the house for the new baby? Not a problem with this biblically themed nursery. Raise your child like he’s the Second Coming or at least like the angel he is. Insulated manger comes with frankincense, myrrh and a straw floor. Great for out-of-town visitors come to pay their respects. One look at its simple straw-themed design and you’ll say, “Hay!”
  8. A 2nd Floor Above-Ground Swimming Pool – Classy and white trashy. Guaranteed not to collapse…unless it does. Then enjoy your new Staircase Waterfall at no extra cost. Comes with ethically-sourced, gluten-free water noodles.
  9. Aah-oo-Gah Doorbell Chime – This supersonic doorbell breaks the sound barrier and guarantees you get to your Amazon package at the door before a robber scoops it up. It’s sonic boom is said to cure people suffering from Shy Bladder.
  10. Crawlspace Catacombs – This one might be illegal. We’ll discuss it in person.
  11. Mirrored Toilet Seat – Popular in England where they tend to be a little cheekier. Some find its reflection confusing because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
  12. Random Desperate Bird Fluttering Inside the House, Way Up in the Vaulted Ceiling – Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re living in a Home Depot or an Airline Terminal. If the bird escapes, all guarantees are out the window.
  13. Walk-in Closet with 30 Foot Drop into a Foam Pit – Located in the guest room, this adrenalizing freefall gives the in-laws a gentle pause for thought about ever visiting you again.
  14. 48-Car Underground Garage – Or, for the more frugal, a 36-car above ground parking structure. Underground garage incompatible with the Crawlspace Catacomb.
  15. Nuclear Powered Doorbell Light – The last doorbell light you’ll ever buy. And probably the only one too. Always leaves a light burning in the doorbell – at 950° inside a transparent titanium containment vessel. Take great comfort in the manufacturer’s guarantee that it will stay illuminated eons after the sun explodes and vaporizes Solar System. Pairs well with Aah-oo-Gah horn option.
  16. Bidet/Hydration Station Bubbler – Proves that you can drink where you clean.
  17. Husband-proof Appliances – Designed especially for husband-proofing the house by ensuring that:
    1. The dirty clothes are not put in the dryer before they’re washed
    2. Laundry does not come out of the wash all one color
    3. Soap is put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    4. Dishes are put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    5. Food is put in the microwave before it’s turned on
    6. The electric toothbrush doesn’t shock you back to 2nd grade
    7. The remote is never lost because it’s attached to a can’t-be-misplaced kayak
    8. The freezer and the refrigerator are not both set to the same temperature
  18. Every Door in the House Operates Like a Garage Door – Make entering any room an event with this brawny option. Comes with a universal remote. Pet-safe…if their chipped.
  19. Hilarious Woman’s Shoe  Closet with Room for Only 4 Pair of Shoes– Prove that you have an unbounded sense of humor by showing visitors this ridiculously undersized storage closet specially built for your wife’s 4 pairs of shoes.
  20. Drone Ceiling Fan – Fly it to the room where it’s most needed
  21. Reverse Microwave that Makes Things Cooler – It’s finally here. By overcoming the primordial forces of nature the Reverse Microwave draws about 450 gigawatts of electricity per use. Therefore your Electrical Panel must be hooked-up directly to the Hoover Dam. A better option may be to just put whatever it is you want cooled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.
  22. Thinly Sliced Deep-Fried Potatoes – Note: In order to do this correctly, potatoes must be chipped.
  23. Chocolate Cookie and Card Playing Gaming Table – Note: The cookies and the table must both be chipped
  24. Favorite Son on the TV show My Three Sons – Gotta be Chip.
  25. Favorite 70’s TV Show – You guessed it: ChiPs



What do these last few entries about chips have to do with home improvement ideas?

Well, let’s face it folks. I’m off the rails here and I’m loving it. It’s fun to go nuts when you’re not driving a car, performing surgery or sitting in a church pew. I encourage y’all to do the same once in a while. In that way you’d be a chip off the old block.