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Hardiman Announces Opening of New Restaurant: The Pompous Ass

To all gastronomes, epicureans and foodies, I’ve finally put the finishing touches on my new restaurant (it’s so hard to find spittoons these days). And it is my pleasure to share with you its smashing new menu. Please remember that all foods and beverages at the Pompous Ass are ethically sourced, sustainably raised and processed by little people who are paid a living wage (if you consider a mud hut and a clay chamber pot a living wage). We will have a soft opening on Friday August 12th and a hard opening just as soon as the Viagra arrives. We look forward to seeing you. Please peruse the menu below: 

 

 

The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita    Sous Chef – Sue Scheff    Pastry Chef – Filo Dough

 

~ MENU ~

12th of August, 2022

Starters

  • Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Developmentally Challenged Turnips
  • Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 
  • Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water

 

Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? It’s the soup of the day.

  • Cornstarch Chowder: Thick and….well, just thick. No spoon. Served with a trowel.    
  • Cream of Salt: Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt, a tremendous amount of salt. Chef recommends “Salt to taste.”      
  • Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor

 

First Plate

  • Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut
  • Paula Dean’s Down Home Myocardial Infarction: Served with Hopkins’ Farms Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 
  • Gherkins Galore: Jerked Gherkins, Lammykin Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins

 

Secondi 

  • My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey: Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy
  • “I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)
  • Silverfish Risotto: Certified New York Public Library Raised Silverfish (fresh from the Philosophy stacks), India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  

 

Dessert

  • Livermore Labs Locally Enriched Sustainable Plutonium: Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. Served with a leaden codpiece.
  • Real Expensive Cheese: Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins
  • Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint
  • I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes: Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Angst

 

Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced based on my gambling losses. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  

Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the processing of peanuts and maybe just a little Crystal Meth.

Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

Alimentary My Dear

The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita                                        ~ MENU ~                                                       Sous Chef – Sue Scheff

12th of Never, 2044

Starters

Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Aborted Turnips

Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 

Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water

Botox Compote: Crow’s Feet, Hopkins’ Farm Goiter, Skywalker Ranch Gooseflesh

Non sequitir Farrago: Bandaged cheddar, Pictures of Jeff Goldblum’s Root Cellar, Extremist Homosexual Pine Nuts, Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt – a tremendous amount of salt all served on an Embarrassment of Doilies

Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? Why it’s the soup of the day.

1. Cornstarch Chowder      2. Cream of Salt      3. Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup – what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor

First Plate

Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut

Good ole Paula Dean’s Down Home Southern Coronary with Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 

Gherkins Galore – Jerked Gherkins, Lammykins Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins, Greg Kinnear’s Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins

Secondi 

My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey. Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy

“I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)

Silverfish Risotto: Classic New York Public Library Philosophy Stack Silverfish, India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  

Dessert

Livermore Labs locally enriched, sustainable plutonium, Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. With a leaden codpiece.

Real Expensive Cheese, Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins

Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint

I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes, Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Buckshot

Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the manufacture of Crystal Meth. Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

Tonight Featuring the Music of Barbara Mandrell and the Nashville Showstoppers