In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:
1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver
2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India
3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”
4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore
5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures
6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda
7. Department of Energy: Abolished. Its remnants are now referred to as The Nuclear Deregulatory Commission
8. The Bureau of Printing and Engraving has been outsourced to the Hanseatic League somewhere deep in a Bavarian forest; where 6 magical roly-poly gnomes now do the work 1400 Americans once did. It’s located in a cozy little shoppe called Ye Olde Guild of Smudgers and Chiselers
9. Our Armed Forces are now referred to as The Palace Guard
10. ICE: Immigration and Customs Enforcement is now simply called Target Practice
11. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms was given to the Trump sons and has relocated to a 2nd floor after-hours party room in the family quarters of the White House
12. The Department of Agriculture has been reimagined as The Protectors of Agribusiness
13. Intentionally left blank. Bad luck.
14. The Department of Interior has become less inward looking and is now known as The Department of Extroversion
15. The Bureau of Land Management has thrown open its gates and is now called Land Grab Central
16. FEMA: Federal Emergency Management Agency’s reformulated philosophy is now reflected in its new name:
The Department of Stupid Victims Who Deserve Their Stupid Fate. Press Secretary Sean Spicer explains: “No one asked you to live in a Trailer Park or a Flood Zone or a place that has weather. And now somehow we’re responsible for sending in 10,000 port-a-pottys and 50,000 Lunchables. No. Period.”
17. The Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) has become Ben Carson’s Chew Toy
18. The venerable Peace Corps has been renamed to reflect the reciprocity expected of the host country. It is now called:
We Come in Peace, But We May Leave in Anger – It’s Up To You Poor, Ungrateful, Backward People. Additionally, the old Peace Corps is now an arm of the Department of War
19. The Public Service Commission is now the Private Service Commission
20. The GAO – The General Accounting Office has altered their accounting practices slightly and their Mission Statement is reflected in their new name:
The Office of the Second Set of Books
21. The Department of Brothel Security is a newly created position (if you know what I mean). It’s run by an appointed “Pleasure Czar” who literally serves at the pleasure of the President.
22. The Attorney General has been redesignated “General Attorney” and also made part of the Department of War.
23. The Bureau of Re-education is a newly instituted “policing” outreach effort designed to ensure we’re all on the same page, of the same book, written in one language and with only one interpretation. Expect a visit from its Webcam Installation Department soon. Their goal: a minder in every attic and 2 microphones in every crawl space.
24. The IRS is now more formally called The Office of Don’t Make Me Come There
25. Veterans Affairs, which has taken it on the chin for decades, is pursuing a new angle on veteran’s affairs – especially as it relates to civilians and their affairs – and will henceforth be called:
Veterans Affairs: What happens in Motel 6 Stays in Motel 6. The runner-up name was Veteran’s Affairs: Don’t Ask, Don’t Smell.
26. The Secret Service is now touted as The Prez Posse.
The Prez Posse (formerly The Secret Service) has formulated appropriate code names for various government & family officials. Through POIA the Payment for Information Act (formerly FOIA – the Freedom of Information Act) I obtained these code names and share them below:
The President: Agent Orange
The First Lady: Blue Steel
Baron Trump: Dauphin of DC
The Vice President & Family: Indiana Jones and the Hoosiers of Doom
Hillary Clinton: Who?
Alec Baldwin: Bullseye
Barrack Obama: Kenya
George W Bush: Pringle’s
And if you think the first few weeks were entertaining, wait till you see the closing credits – gonna be Huge. The director’s cut outtakes promise to make you laugh till you emigrate. In fact I’m binge watching the whole show right now. How can you not? It’s on all the time. It’s like the Barnum and Bailey’s Circus – It’s the Greatest Show on Earth.