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“News of the Universe” Reports a Stunning Discovery in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that lesser publicized, but very enabling Little Bang got the whole singularity expanding in the year 3000 BBB (Before the Big Bang).

 

As one might expect, News of the Universe (NOTU) is a star-studded publication with a stellar reputation and an astronomical reach to its far flung, extra-terrestrial audience. It’s available everywhere except on Rigel-7, where Wi-Fi is spotty owing to disruptions in the space-time continuum courtesy of renegade Black Holes that simply refuse to play by the settled laws of physics. News of the Universe is a decorated periodical that has won a Parsec Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off unseen, hypothetical matter and exposing the truth about this invisible material in their spotlight series Dark Matter Matters.

 

The following article is the second most popular article from this week’s publication with over 38 X 1065 hits. In case you were wondering, the most popular and ogled section was the Alien Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 

 

From News of the Universe May 4th 2023:

 

 

Miracle in the Milky Way

 

~ Billions of Humans Found Alive on Planet Earth! ~

The planet earth, previously believed to be incinerated in the Milky Way’s supernova of 1054, has been found intact and teeming with 8 billion so-called humans, living unsupervised in something they call a “society.” The cosmic hierarchy was stunned to find these orphaned children of God mostly healthy and seemingly insensible to their predicament. The rediscovery was made quite by accident when heavenly accountant Coopers & Lybrand’s was performing their annual inventory of the 2 trillion galaxies for the Almighty. Read the rest of this entry »

Interesting Perspective

Earth’s Tourism Board Presents: Reasons for Visiting Earth

1. We’re a Class M planet. Always had oxygen. Always will. I’m looking at you Venus.
2. We pick up our garbage once a week and then bury it. Try getting that done on Neptune.
3. All our rings can fit on a finger. Listening Saturn
4. All our belts are custom fit. Take that Asteroid Belt.
4.5 We’ve dealt with our little “reptile problem.”
5. We’ve got Beatle music, 7-Layer dips and Steve Martin.
6. Almost all our steel is stainless – you couldn’t stain it even if you wanted to.
7. Our pajamas…Flame retardant. Light my fire baby, but not my PJ’s
8. Our people…Not so retardant proof, but we make up for it with 31 flavors of ice cream
9. We reproduce the fun way. None of this dainty dropping of seeds or gentle releasing of spores.
10. We have Mr. Pibb…and we’re working on a Mrs. Pibb if that lazy Dr. Pepper ever gets off his bubbly ass to help.
11. No one on Earth ever pays MSRP, so it’s fun to tell everybody about the screaming deal you got.
12. And finally and most importantly, the truth doesn’t require your approval.