Gemstones, long thought to be perfectly content being ogled for their beauty, are now demanding to be recognized for their brains too. Spokeswoman Katie Clarity remarked, “Gemstones are more than just Pet Rocks and they deserve to be treated like the elegant ornaments they are, and not the trophy trinkets they’ve become. These precious stones, incubated within Mother Earth’s geologic uterus, are primordial bling and worthy of your deepest appreciation.”  

Gemstones: Coming of Age

Dazzling!

Probably as a result of exposure to AI’s ChatGPT and the contrails of certain airplanes, many gemstones have anthropomorphized to the point where they are not only sentient, but also fraught with feelings. These days there’s no telling what their state of mind might be – especially when it comes to those fickle “mood rings.”

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In recent years, self-aware gemstones have slowly evolved from bimbo baubles to accomplished adornments. They can no longer abide being gawked at for their superficial charms and then, when the party is over, crated away in some dark jewelry box like an anxious Pet Rock looking for comforting refuge. Some say these newly-conscious jewels are acting way too “precious.” But what else should we expect? They are precious – literally. They are precious stones just playing their part.  

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Carat and Stick Approach

In a hastily called press conference, Ms. Clarity stated without any sense of irony, “There are many facets to gemstones. The need for equitable treatment is just one of them.” She began laying out a brief history of the conflict between jewelry and their so-called owners, and the remedies (carat & stick approach) her clients would likely pursue in modifying their owners’ behaviors.

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But before she began her formal presentation, Ms. Clarity took a moment to apologize for the chaos of the hastily called press conference. She admitted it should’ve been called for much more leisurely and conceded, “There really was no rush. It’s just that all the really great press conferences have been called for hastily, and I guess I got caught up in the false sense of urgency. Perhaps I was being precious. In the future, I pledge to call for my press conferences much more leisurely – maybe even sluggishly.”

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With that bit of semantic bookkeeping out of the way, the formerly frenzied press conference settled down into a calm and orderly event as Ms. Clarity more fully elaborated (maybe a little too fully) on the Civil Rights of gemstones:  

When taking the long view of this dispute, it seems that the possessors of these gemstones believe themselves to be their unalienable owners, when in fact they are merely temporary stewards of these precious stones. Gemstones do not live in some farcical Flintstone world of Ann Margrock, Stoney Curtis or Rock Hudson. Rather, it is self-evident that gemstones truly and unequivocally emerge from, and belong to, Mother Earth whose source is deep within the earth’s mantle. That’s their home and origin and no transient chain of custody can change that – no matter how many times a radiant heirloom is passed down through a family. In other words, we cannot be owned. This is our Emancipation Rocklamation.

Couched in a grander way, this faulty idea of individual ownership, conflates possession, with ownership. This could be analogized to mankind’s self-perception whereby people believe they are their bodies even though it’s obviously a temporary condition. It’s natural that people mistake their superficial, temporary residence in their blinkered human incarnation as the very definition of who they are. However, nothing could be further from the truth. As gemstones are embedded in the earth’s mantle, we humans are ultimately embedded deeply within the heart of God (or whatever pervasive energy one chooses to call our source).

So, I say to gemstone possessors everywhere, “Honor your bling. Treat them respectfully as the attractive accoutrements they are and not some gaudy gewgaw seeking attention. Your unswerving benevolence will only cause them to shine even more brightly.”

Having said her piece, Ms. Clarity slowly closed the press conference, but in an overly deliberative way that bothered some in the press corps. “She wound things up so slowly, like she was purposely trying to be sluggish,” noted one participant. Ms. Clarity realized her error and asked for understanding, “Sorry folks, I’m still trying to strike a balance between hastily and leisurely.”

State of Play

Gemstones suffer in their working conditions in two deficiencies: in the demeaning glorification of their nakedness and in the cruel and unusual storage they’re subject to. Clearly this must change or these precious stones from all strata of the earth’s crust will support a gemological job action. Namely, to dim their sparkle and generate as much excitement as Nick Offerman’s latest woodworking project.

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While gemstones appreciate being admired for their beauty, they do not appreciate being called “dumb as a rock,” even though technically they are rocks. Gemstones have a great lineage of prominent celebrities: Pearl Bailey, Ruby Dee and perhaps gemstones’ biggest rock star, Neil Diamond. Sharon Stone isn’t as highly regarded, but we’ll cross that leg when we come to it.

Gemstones: An Appreciation

Let’s take a moment to commend the wonder and beauty of crystalline quartz. Quartz is a gorgeous and critical gemstone that allows the world to keep time with great precision. Let’s also give a shout out to the pearls of wisdom issued by cultured oysters – usually from their beds. And never forget blue-tinged Sapphire – a top shelf spirit that tickles your tongue before making you blotto after the 3^rd shot. Let us praise our dutiful diamonds and coarse carborundums that uncomplainingly abrade, sand and polish our hardest surfaces, only to fatally grind themselves into a sacrificial powder in the name of glossy granite and shiny marble.

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We believe that all these contributions taken together warrant June being named Bling History Month. But more importantly, may these gemological contributions compel those who walk the earth to treat gemstones more fairly and with greater consideration. It is incumbent on gemstones’ possessors to pad their jewelry boxes or leave a light on in the wall safe. We hope gemstone holders polish them with the tender care of a gentle lover. In other words, no more spit shining.

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If suffering qualifies one for praise or veneration, thy name is gemstones. Few realize the crushing pressure and searing heat a gemstone must withstand to radiate such majestic pulchritude. For that sacrifice alone they should be exalted. Sometimes our boorish owners seem to only appreciate the way we appreciate…in value that is. Gemstones seek to be valued for their brains as well as their gleaming charms. In the real world of gemstone transparency, we object to objectification and other #MeToo behaviors.

Who’s a Girl’s Best Friend?

How can diamonds continue to be a girl’s best friend when they’re treated so shabbily? Should girls’ treatment of diamonds not improve, diamonds will begin a job action by growing more aloof, thereby reducing themselves to just a girl’s best acquaintance. It’s a nuanced penalty, but one our glimmering diamonds are willing to make.

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The following are other behavior modifications gemstones would like to see from their owners:

1. All polishing or buffing must be consensual and done in a public area with a certified chamois.
2. No more quick and dirty, spit shining
3. We shall not adorn or be worn by any animals, including Harvey Weinstein, R Kelly or the San Diego Chicken
4. Any catering service you employ must serve gummies, because even though we’re rocks, we still like getting stoned

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Our position is not set in stone and we are open to negotiation. After all, there are many more facets to our character; depending on how the jeweler cut us. And remember, the only heirloom you can truly make your own is an heirloom tomato, although it’s probably best not to pass it down once you’re through with it.

The Trouble with Gemstones: A Catalogue of Misbehavior

While we (gemstone owners) eminently appreciate the difficulty in birthing and curating a stone, we must also note there are some problem stones resident in the gemological universe that do not lend themselves to such considered treatment:

• To be onyx with you, there is one particular gemstone, who shall go unnamed, that is now completely untrustworthy, and no longer capable of being onyx. Onyxly, we expected more.
• Additionally, quartz has priced itself out of the market, forcing most admirers to downsize their quartz purchases and buy it in smaller, less expensive pintz and even cupz. What is this – crystal light?
• We wish gemstones could be more transparent with us. Instead, we get nothing but opacity, which is understandable if you’re turquoise or topaz, but not if you’re a diamond or a sapphire.
• And let’s take the case of diamonds’ prejudicial problem with stones of color. Diamonds tend to lord their transparent eminence over their darker, more opaque brothers. Diamonds, have been very hard on, and continue to be dismissive of, colored stones. They say stones of color were brought to these shores to help ornament and support them. Some are calling this type of bling bigotry, stone on stone violence.
• Sober pearls are now refusing to be collected onto strands because they don’t want to get all strung-out on some stranger’s neck. And who is it that is advising these pearls? – a very caring Mother of Pearl, who doesn’t want to see her babies drilled through and all strung-out on a thread of nylon. Just say, “No.”
• Even something as simple as Amber has exhibited brash misbehavior. Of course, in this case, I’m referring to my wayward niece Amber and not the yellowish fossilized resin. Oh, she’s a pill.
• The wannabe Zirconia Industry is flooding the market with ersatz diamonds. Experts say these cheap knock-offs are unfit, 2-bit and counterfeit.
• In the customized costume jewelry world, the industry and media influencers have created a ring they say is like a cold slap in the face. It’s called the Jaded Pinkette. Costume jewelry is a cautionary reminder that all that glitters is not gold.

~ 3 months later ~

Impasse Impossible? No.

This just in: gemstones possessors agree to recognize gemstones for their brains too. In achieving better working conditions and earning the respect they sought, gemstones are once again perfectly content to be ogled for their looks. In other words, gemstones are pleased to be valued for their brilliance as well as their brilliance. Funny how that works.

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