Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Feeling Sorry for Kansans

They never get to say, “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore” unless they actually leave the state.

It’s even more confusing if someone from Arkansas says, “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore“ because “kansas” is actually within Arkansas.

And don’t get me started on the whole Prussian leader Friedrich the Great, upon leaving Moscow, saying, “I have a feeling we’re not in Russia anymore“ while the whole time “russia” is within Prussia.

I don’t know. This whole thing could’ve been avoided had Dorothy and Toto come from Delaware instead of Kansas. Damn you Frank Baum. But then again would we ever say, “I have a feeling we’re not in Delaware anymore?”

Put another way; Is Del aware? No. Del unaware. 

If this marginalia becomes anymore infinitesimal, I’m going to click my sneakers together and go home – wherever that is. 

Who Am I? – One Definition

Bodies don’t last forever. But while they do…

Preamble: As Danny DeVito once said to Shaquille O’Neal, “I’ll be short.” And in a similar way I’ll be, if not short, at least concise in this little amuse bouche of an essay seeking to define who I am in this Digital Age of torrential technology. This is a worthy pursuit if only because it’s another 3 hours until lunch and with that kind of existential hole to fill I turn my thoughts unto the nature of me and by extension, the nature of all of us (alright, maybe I won’t be that short, but I certainly won’t be uninteresting).

 

Amble: It was Socrates who said, “Know thyself.” He said it in ancient Greek so it sounded a lot different back then. But his larger point being that the unexamined life was not worth living. And when I say, “the unexamined life was not worth living” you all think, “Well that’s very true, but of course it doesn’t apply to me. I know what I’m doing. But for other people, whoa, they’ve got some serious examining to do.”

 

It’s always the other guy isn’t it? God forbid we should be self-reflective and see the faults within ourselves and do something to transcend them other than blithely observe, “Oh yeah…there they are again. Hey faults. What’s up?” How do we square that? We ignore it and kinda blame the rest of humanity for lack of “not seeing things as I see them” or maybe we depend on a God we barely acknowledge to, “Explain it all to me once I’m through with this life.” Some might say there are worse things to procrastinate about than endeavoring to “Know thyself.” And if you’ve ever tried to ignored a kidney stone you know what I’m talking about.

 

The Thing: In any event, and irrespective of my little indictment of the human race above, I’ve plumbed the depths and shallows of my being. I’ve discovered there are ample areas of shallowness and a few deep pools of cosmic connectivity. My self-definition is influenced by the Digital Age of technology which has relentlessly cascaded upon us like a newly formed and torrential waterfall (not bad writing, eh). I’ve designed this personal descriptor, as a reference book for all humanity. As if there were a dictionary whose content included every earthling who has ever existed, so that if you looked up the meaning of David Hardiman, the definition would appear thusly:

David Hardiman: A human platform streaming original content at no charge to interested end users. A multi-function app powered by both good intentions and bad choices. Like many born of mammalian parents, he’s a temporary flesh puppet occupying a renta-body that’s long, willowy and prone to excessive thinking. While not buying into the foolhardy view of life as pointless duality, he nonetheless contends with it like a parent does with a whiny child – he loves it immensely, but just wishes it would behave. Hardiman lived his life by Oscar Wilde’s maxim, “Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

Also see: Marx Bros, Einstein, Ram Dass, Lennon, Jesus and Steve Martin.

What Is Going On Here?

Image may contain: one or more people

  1. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Let’s just hope it’s consensual.
  2. It’s one of those English baking shows where they teach you how to use a rolling pin
  3. No money was exchanged, although a little later, phone numbers were exchanged
  4. Bottom guy to top guy: “Gees mister, your church sure has a weird way of praying. This is a church – right?”
  5. TSA “Pat Down” class…as taught by a substitute teacher
  6. This is from a Holistic Laxative Clinic where practitioners have found a kinder, gentler way to encourage movement. I’ve heard of “greasing the skids,” but this is ridiculous
  7. I think the guy on top is a recent immigrant who lives at the facility and owes traffickers thousands.
  8. Police Frisking Class: New method of ass-uaging the perpetrator
  9. That is one helluva suppository.
  10. Firemen getting in-service instruction in FST: Fart Suppression Training
  11. And in actuality it’s a pic from Syracuse University Football’s Strength & Conditioning operation

The Metastatic Advantage: Top 12 Good Things About Pancreatic Cancer

Silver Linings Where You Least Expect Them

  1. For the first time in your life, when someone says, “Hey dude, kept it real.” You can legitimately respond, “Don’t worry. I am.”

    A sliver of silver illuminates awl.
    Great, now I’ve got a light shining on my awl.

  2. On wrestling with “Tis better to give than receive”: Predicting what some distant family member will get you for Christmas and trying to buy them a gift of equal or lesser value…no longer an issue.
  3. Gun to Your Head Clarity: Without having to 2nd guess yourself, you finally see the true value of everything. Then you breathe easy and realize: “Aaaah, so this is what enlightenment looks like. I like it.”
  4. Some things will never change. Rap Music will still suck.
  5. The myth of feeling aggrieved, angry or contemptuous is obliterated forever. You realize your strong convictions merely made you a convict rather than a free thinker. And you shake your head and say, “Great. Thanks God. Thanks for the Stage IV metastatic pancreatic cancer. It took being on deaths door to prompt this life-affirming realizations. And now because time is so short I can’t even get a book deal.”
  6. You never again have to worry about your cat sneakily licking your armpits
  7. Beautiful Hallucinations of Fortune: “Am I near vanna yet?” “You mean Nirvana?” “No. I mean near Vanna. I just want to be near Vanna White.”
  8. You become relaxed and let things go. You come to know it’s OK to be bad, with both names and faces now. How liberating. Now when you see someone you’re vaguely familiar with, you can just point at them and say, “Woof.”
  9. You’ll get to see John Lennon soon. Of course you’ll also have to contend with Phyllis Diller and Tiny Tim, but not to worry; Einstein, Siddhartha and Jesus’ company easily outweighs Charlie Callas, Charlie Ponzi and Typhoid Mary’s.
  10. Peaceful, volitional suicide? Suddenly it’s not such a bad alternative. In this way you can go out on your terms and not some pre-programmed termination you never signed up for. This is where opioids have a legitimate place at the table.  
  11. You can now park in handicapped spots without a placard. And when called on it by the scolding parkinazis, you smile and say, “You’ll pardon me, but I’ve got Stage IV pancreatic cancer. So while I recognize the impropriety of my brazen action, I do say in all candor, F*ck you – deeply and vigorously.” It’s called playing the “I’ll be dead in 4 weeks card.”
  12. You will realize: “We have met the Lord…and it is us.” My God, how did I miss that? I’m as much God as anyone or anything else. Micro Macro. It all coalesces. How did I fail to realize it again – for the 6000th time? This reincarnation thing is getting tedious. Next lifetime, I’m going to participate, but at all hazard, I’m not going to forget this realization. Of course I said that last lifetime too. Oh well, it sure beats having to wait for an AT&T service man – 8-12 my ass. He showed up at 1:30!

Jobs I’d Be Very Wary of Taking

  1. A Snowball in Hell – Not a chance
  2. Charlie Rose, Harvey Weinstein or Matt Lauer’s Robe Closure Coordinator
  3. BTW (and this is off topic) If you say the phrase “very wary” 4 times in rapid succession, you’ll know what it’s like to have smoked marijuana. OK, back to “Jobs I’d be very wary of taking”:
  4. Human Being – Can’t avoid this job. In fact we’re all in mid-career trying to find the right solution by thinking it out, even though thinking has nothing to do with any so-called solution. Everyone is “gifted” with this preexisting condition and it’s not covered by any insurance plan or religion. Even atheists have to deal with it.
  5. The guy at the zoo who determines if a female elephant is ovulating and thence “in the mood” for fertilization. Pass. I think I’d rather do this with female humans.
  6. I’d worry about working for a company called “Water Solutions” and not finding the irony in it.
  7. Yellow Snow Writing Analyst – Not for me. Too many contradictions. For example, you might identify a beautiful woman as the snow writer of a yellow message in the crystalline flakes and come to the conclusion, “That Snow Angel; that’s no angel.”
  8. Y’know when a zealot says, “Kill’em all. Let God sort’em out.” I don’t want to be the guy God hires to do the sorting.
  9. Bodyguard for Celebrity Groundhog Puxatany Phil – He’s really slipping. He’s just a shadow of his former self. Besides Feb. 2nd is the only day he needs security. Plus I hear he’s always inviting female Woodchucks back to his burrow to watch Groundhog Day.
  10. Washroom Attendant Siberian Gulag – Would much rather work in the Gulag Chapel.
  11. Police Groping Dummy – “Miss Jenkins can you please show the court on our living mannequin exactly where and how Mr. Weinstein touched you?”
  12. Mandarin Orange Skin Peeler – So many sectors. So little time. Oh, you say it’s automated now. OK then, well I don’t even want to make the machine that peels them.
  13. Laundry Hamper Wrangler at the Mustang Ranch – Pass. Too much DNA.
  14. A position in Trump’s Cabinet – Too much bending over
  15. Any Kind of Manuel Labor – Let Manuel do it.
  16. Online Moderator of Pfizer’s Medicinal Enema Chat Room – Hosting a “How to” instructional guide on the mechanics of internal cleansing? –No thanks. Sounds like a job for the guy at “Water Solutions.”
  17. Recycle Center Debris Sorter – C’mon people, bandages, banana peels and toothpaste are not recyclable.
  18. Pork Belly Stand, Jerusalem Food Court – (see snowball’s chance in Hell)
  19. Gong Show Contestant whose talent is being able to burp the alphabet.
  20. I know #19 is not really a job because you’d have to volunteer for it. I just wanted to get to 20 and ran out of ideas. So here I sit very wary. Very, very wary. Oh well, (In burp language) A B C D E… 

 

On Pranking 23andMe’s DNA Test

Cheer up Sleepy Gene!

I’ve always believed in the Native American notion that allowing someone to take your photograph is tantamount to letting them steal your soul. So you can imagine how I felt when I was forced (as a condition of employment) to submit a DNA sample (a small vial of saliva) to 23andMe for a complete genetic workup and public posting of my innermost helixes. I couldn’t avoid the molecular invasion fast enough. Not wanting to appear fickle, I sent them a sample – of my female cat’s saliva for DNA testing. Getting a thimble of cat saliva is no small feat in itself and perhaps worthy of a Nobel Prize for Expectorating.  

In any event I think the feline saliva sample may have skewed the results. The following is 23andMe‘s report:

 

Dear Mr. Hardiman,

23andMe has successfully processed the genetic material in your saliva sample and we can unequivocally issue the following findings; some of which are extremely surprising for a 57 year old Caucasion man. We are pleased to present the following results for David Hardiman – BA4956891376:

  • DNA evidence strongly suggests you possess at least 8 more lives
  • Genetic markers indicate your bathroom habits, while generally hygienic, are unorthodox to say the least.
  • In coding your spiritual identity, it appears you are monotheistic and not pantheistic i.e., you seem to worship one really big ball of yarn rather than several smaller ones.
  • You’re very needy. Well kneady actually. You tend to fluff your pillow for a full 30 seconds before settling into it.
  • Hippocampus genes indicate you’re very comfortable being referred to as a “pussy.” In fact you seem to prefer it.
  • DNA torsion modeling of your vertebrae indicates you are the only human ever able to lick the middle of his back
  • In addition to your 2 regular nipples, you seem to also have 4 superfluous one.
  • Based on tendon and ligament DNA, we estimate you should be able to long jump at least 94 feet.
  • Not sure where we’re getting this one, but it appears your favorite form of transportation is to be picked up by the scruff of the neck and deposited at your destination. 
  • Although you claim to be Irish-Italian, your ethnicity is definitely a combination of Persian and Siamese
  • While you’re not able to grab things with your tail, you do indeed have one.
  • Your 16th gene indicates you clean yourself by a process of self-bathing. Geneticists refer to this activity as “tongue-in-groove” hygiene.
  • Your facial hair is ample, as is your body hair. Your whiskers are few, but very long.
  • DNA evidence shows you’ve spontaneously climbed up drapes
  • Although at times it may be unasked for, you nonetheless tend to rub up against complete strangers. Unaccountably you seem to receive positive reinforcement for it. #Meowtoo
  • It is not advised you French kiss anyone due to the pointy spiracles on your tongue.

If you have any questions about this comprehensive report please contact the 23andMe team. Just send us a note on a scratchpad. Based on our findings we’re sure you have many scratchpads scattered throughout the house.

Thank You for Participating,

Sheila Mangrove PhD

Executive Spit Geneticist

 

The entire adventure ended ironically. Based on 23andMe’s report, DOW Chemical thought I’d make an ideal account executive in the mouse extermination division of their rodent control department. 

 

Today’s Bewilderment

The country of Holland is called the Netherlands and yet its people are called the Dutch. I guess 500 years of wearing wooden shoes will cause splinter groups.

They have a city called “The Hague.” No city should begin with the word “The.” OK, maybe The Big Apple – but you can’t look up “The Big Apple” on a map.

Can’t Dutch this.

Audience: Thanks Dave. That’s really more than we need to know.

Me: You’re welcome, however, I’m not done yet. And then in the adjacent country of Belgium, there’s an area called Flanders, and the people who live there are Flemish – they’re always blowing their noses. They’re also Dutch. Not only are they confused, but they’re covered in mucous.

And don’t get me started on Luxembourg, the last of these elfin kingdoms that comprise the Benelux triumvirate. What do you call these people? – Luxembourgers? Yes you do. I’ll have mine with a slice of Gouda.

This is how America would’ve developed had not Hamilton, Madison, Jay and others promulgated a federal constitution with a strong central government. You’d need a passport to drive from the nation of Georgia to the nation of South Carolina. Thank you Mr. Hamilton. Maybe someday you’ll be celebrated with a lavish Broadway musical.

Then again America is called the United States and its people are called Yankees.

In my next essay I examine whether imaginary lines should be made real.

 

Obscure Wars, Battles and Conflicts: What History Books Don’t Tell Us

  1. The Battle of Fallen Arches – The Crowfeet tribe discovered all too late that moccasins are not sturdy shoes. Once the Crowfeet’s arches collapsed the Sioux caught them flatfooted. Later the Crow sued the Sioux for a murder of Crows.
  2. The United States Drops the first F-bomb at the United Nations (1962) – While complaining about the Russians to an aide just prior to a speech before the General Assembly, poor Adlai Stevenson did not realize his microphone was on, and his F-bomb reverberated throughout the chamber. Damage was limited because most of the nations listening didn’t understand English. Mr. Stevenson deftly defused the F-bomb with an apologetic, “Pardon my French.” To which the French replied, “That wasn’t French.”
  3. ♫What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding♫ 

    Battle of Blood Pudding – Actually just a British baking show gone very, very wrong. Bad blood was generated when the culinary tasting panel rejected the Blood Pudding efforts of several bakers.

The bakers felt they’d poured their blood, sweat and tears into their puddings. The panel said, “Sweat and tears yes. But not enough blood. Your blood puddings are anemic.”

Bakers from Liverpool to Manchester united and took up arms. Brandishing vanilla cream-filled frosting bags with floral tips and uniformed in big puffy hats, irate pastry chefs attacked their scolding culinary critics who defended themselves with poison pens. They fought each other tooth and nail. And as expected, when the frosting cleared, everyone’s teeth and nails were a mess. What’s next, a gardening conflict – the War of the Roses?     

  1. The War of the Two Lips – A needless conflict. Deaf lip readers at Gallaudet University claimed their teachers were speaking ill of them in the cafeteria, when in actuality the professors were just chewing their food. 
  2. Battle of the Banana Republics – This battle was called off when the combatants kept slipping on the battlefield. 
  3. Appendomattox – Penultimate Civil War battle fought just prior to Appomattox. In the Battle of Appendomattox Gen. Robert E Lee lost both the battle and his appendix.
  4. Battle of the Bugle – Often confused with the Battle of the Bulge, more for its similarity in spelling than anything martial. The Battle of the Bugle was Taps for many servicemen.
  5. Water Lou – Cirque du Soleil’s extravagant reenactment of Napoleon’s disastrous Battle of Waterloo. The staging is very complex – Napoleonic Complex.
  6. Battle of Yettisburg – An abominable battle between snowmen from the North and South. The battlefield was streaked in yellow lines. Months later, when the snow cleared and the melting was evident, poet Robert Frost delivered his famously moving Yettisburg Address.
  7. WW½ – People have forgotten about this fairly benign hemispheric clash (1907-10) involving countries located below the equator. Some say they were protesting Rand-McNally mapmakers always putting them on the bottom of the globe and the older, more traditional countries on the top half. The Prime Minister of Australia said it was punishment for, “all our goofy Down Under animals. I knew those makeshift, spare-parts marsupials would give us a bad name. Kangaroos that box, platypuses with duckbills and Tasmanian Devils. Not to mention Waltzing Mathilda and Christmas in the summer.”

The worst of it was when Australia invaded Chile armed only with unloaded didgeridoos that they just pointed at the bewildered Chileans and said, “Diddly, diddly-dow. Dow. Dow. Diddly, diddly-dow.” The only casualty from this hemispheric tantrum was the Tropic of Capricorn which was taken hostage by Paraguay but later released unharmed after another imaginary line – the International Dateline – negotiated successfully for its release. Historians now believe World War ½ was really a gateway World War.   Read the rest of this entry »

***Pubs and Clubs with Limited Appeal***

  1. Jeers – A place where nobody knows your name.
  2. The Porcelain Altar – A perfectly wretched place. It promotes both dwarf and cookie tossing.
  3. Friends Without Benefits – Formerly the Arm’s Length Tavern, this Debbie Downer club casts a curiously chilling effect on romance. Bar stools are 20 feet apart and “courting megaphones” are issued for yelling sweet nothings into the distant face of your friend – who shall likely remain a friend…without benefits.
  4. “Highballs are on me.”

    Where There’s Smoke There’s Cannabis – You know marijuana is much better for you than alcohol don’t you? At all levels. This sit down eat-in cannabis dispensary features hallucinogenically-activating comfort foods like Ham-murmurs, God Dogs and Wavy Gravy.

  5. The Elbow Room – A less chilling buzz kill than Friends Without Benefits, but alienating nonetheless. Bar stools are only 10 feet apart and instead of megaphones, sign language and winking is used to tantalize your future bumper of uglies.
  6. Dregs – Formerly the Bottom of the Barrel, this newly refurbished club of last resort is a haven for desperados who are one sad Amazon click away from ordering an inflatable “companion.”
  7. HyMen – A virginal Paradise for insecure, wealthy guys. This posh club allows affluent Oligarchs to cruise for the thing they most desire in a woman: tamper-evident vaginas. In courting virgins, these selfish men recognize that inexperienced women will never realize what uncaring lovers they are.
  8. Trés Cerebral – Too French. Too brainy and very complicated in a fussy way. Be careful not to contract MTDs – Mentally Transferred Diseases like egoism, Superiority Complexes and Misunderstood Prodigy Syndrome.
  9. Well Hung…Over – Normally a good thing, but not in this excessive case. In the morning you really regret being so well hungover.
  10. The Tilted Uterus – A large and expandable womb where customers feel so at home, that once they settle in, they assume a fetal position and never want to leave. Signature Drink: The Breech Baby Signature Dish: Placenta Helper. Upon exiting the embracing enclosure, many patrons feel reborn. And many Christians feel born again.
  11. “OK. You’re a Cab” – Answers the age old question drunks ask bartenders; “My good man, will you please call me a cab.”
  12. The Anal Pour – It’s a good thing the place is staffed by a bunch of ass wipes because the drinks taste like sh*t.
  13. Call Me a Cab Please – A classy joint where patrons refer to each other by well-known cabs (Cabernets). For example; “How do you do? My name is Sterling Vineyard and you must be Robert Mondavi.” Problems arise when drunk patrons ask the bartender to call them a cab. Usually the bartenders respond, “I can’t call you a cab, but I will give you a Lyft.”
  14. Christian Science Drinking Room – Who doesn’t want to become intoxicated by God? Apparently no one. It is however an opportunity to become one with the patron saint of blotto – Jack Daniels.
  15. Del Webb’s “Dilutions” – For active cruisers of a certain age. Also visit its sister saloons: the Papery Cheek and the Crepey Neck. This senior saloon serves watered down drinks to aging men with thinning hair and a fatting asses. Also popular with menopausal women who like to swing – their moods and not their bodies. Don’t miss the Blue Hair Happy Hour where formaldehyde-based cocktails will leave you completely em-bombed. Elderly pole dancers are doubly titillating with see-thru outfits to match their see-thru skin. Note this tragically hip joint is often fractured – especially when dancing the Bossa Nova. This happening place is absolutely lights out…at 8 pm sharp. Get deluded at Dilutions.
  16. The Repurposed Kidney – Run secretly by an underworld organ bank with ties to Doctors Without Scruples, this meat market syndicate surreptitiously anesthetizes its unsuspecting patrons with narcotizing drinks, then sets loose its in-house doctors without scruples to go a-organ-harvesting. Business plan is flawed because the franchises are not transplantable.
  17. Dingleberry’s – How do they even stay in business? I mean those are not olives in the martinis. And the little Goldfish they serve at the bar are, all floating belly up.
  18. Kraft Beer Hall – If you like Velveeta, you’ll love Kraft beer.
  19. Snickers Bar – Oops. Wrong kind of bar. It is however a Candy Bar where you might find a favorite sweetie to munch on.

Incredible Edibles: Stoner-Friendly Dishes Served at Medical Marijuana Eateries

  1. Wavy Gravy – A stoner classic. It’s a regular gravy lake you stare at, and then you swear it becomes wavy.
  2. Ham-murmurs and Hot Gods – A hallucinogenic take on America’s favorites. Dyslexilicious. Laminated menu with glossy pictures makes it easy for space cadets to point and order.
  3. Sue Nami’s Tsunami of Tzatziki Sauce – Who cares how it looks. It spells great.
  4. ♫Take a sad brownie, and make it better♫

    Smorgasbord of Marshmallow S’mores – As good tasting as it is hard to say

  5. Limp Biskit Infused with Viagra – With this special batter you can now pour yourself a stiff one.
  6. Endless Loop of Froot Loops – One simply cannot eat it alone, but toucan.
  7. Kraft Mellowroni & Cheese – Talk about your comfort food. This soothing dish is a favorite with low budget college kids.
  8. The Candy Man Did – We always knew the Candy man could. Well, now he has: Everlasting Gobstoppers.
  9. Lobster with Mother Jones Special Herbs – So good you’ll swear you’re molting.
  10. MC Escher’s Bottomless Bowl of Tiny Cookies: A  jar full of increasingly Tiny Cookies that gradually dissolve into imperceptible granules. Then almost undetectably the cookie crumbs coalesce and start to grow progressively larger as the process repeats itself you come to realize you’re confined to a crummy oscillating universe.
  11. 22/7 of a Pizza Pi – An irrational, irreducible pizza. In theory it can never be eaten, but it’s fun to try.
  12. Who Cares What It Is, I’ve Got Serious Munchies – Just know that it’s chewable and non –toxic.
  13. Beer Battered Bear Balls – You’ll never actually eat one. You’ll just convulse in laughter trying to say, “Please pass the Beer Battered Bear Balls.”
  14. Kentucky Fried Corn – Makes a kernel proud. You’ll appreciate the play on words in your mouth even if it is kinda corny.
  15. Tears in My Eyes Maui Onion – Hotter than Kilauea magma, this onion will bring tears to your already red eyes both for its chemical irritant and its superlative, layered beauty.
  16. Cake – Just generic cake. Eat the whole thing and shut up. You know you love it. Simple carbohydrates will have you chasing prey on the Serengeti like a cheetah. Comes in chocolate and Wildebeest flavor
  17. Peanut Butter and KY Jelly Muffwich – Again, just eat it and shut up. You know you love it. Comes with a side of Benadryl.
  18. LGBTQ Rainbow Sherbet – So stunning in its colorfully icy plumage that most just stare slack-jawed until it melts.
  19. Bacon Grease with Dippy Bread – Artery-hardening liquid joy. Must make out Will prior to eating.
  20. Denny’s Slam Bam Grand Slam Ham & Clam Jam – Filthily spreadable. Comes with hairless buns.
  21. Dinfast – That thing when you need to eat continuously from dinner to breakfast. We call it Dinfast. Depending on the time of day we also serve Fastlun and Lunner. Note: Brunch not available