Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Today’s Bewilderment

The country of Holland is called the Netherlands and yet its people are called the Dutch. I guess 500 years of wearing wooden shoes will cause splinter groups.

They have a city called “The Hague.” No city should begin with the word “The.” OK, maybe The Big Apple – but you can’t look up “The Big Apple” on a map.

Can’t Dutch this.

Audience: Thanks Dave. That’s really more than we need to know.

Me: You’re welcome, however, I’m not done yet. And then in the adjacent country of Belgium, there’s an area called Flanders, and the people who live there are Flemish – they’re always blowing their noses. They’re also Dutch. Not only are they confused, but they’re covered in mucous.

And don’t get me started on Luxembourg, the last of these elfin kingdoms that comprise the Benelux triumvirate. What do you call these people? – Luxembourgers? Yes you do. I’ll have mine with a slice of Gouda.

This is how America would’ve developed had not Hamilton, Madison, Jay and others promulgated a federal constitution with a strong central government. You’d need a passport to drive from the nation of Georgia to the nation of South Carolina. Thank you Mr. Hamilton. Maybe someday you’ll be celebrated with a lavish Broadway musical.

Then again America is called the United States and its people are called Yankees.

In my next essay I examine whether imaginary lines should be made real.

 

Obscure Wars, Battles and Conflicts: What History Books Don’t Tell Us

  1. The Battle of Fallen Arches – The Crowfeet tribe discovered all too late that moccasins are not sturdy shoes. Once the Crowfeet’s arches collapsed the Sioux caught them flatfooted. Later the Crow sued the Sioux for a murder of Crows.
  2. The United States Drops the first F-bomb at the United Nations (1962) – While complaining about the Russians to an aide just prior to a speech before the General Assembly, poor Adlai Stevenson did not realize his microphone was on, and his F-bomb reverberated throughout the chamber. Damage was limited because most of the nations listening didn’t understand English. Mr. Stevenson deftly defused the F-bomb with an apologetic, “Pardon my French.” To which the French replied, “That wasn’t French.”
  3. ♫What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding♫ 

    Battle of Blood Pudding – Actually just a British baking show gone very, very wrong. Bad blood was generated when the culinary tasting panel rejected the Blood Pudding efforts of several bakers.

  4. The bakers felt they’d poured their blood, sweat and tears into their puddings. The panel said, “Sweat and tears yes. But not enough blood. Your blood puddings are anemic.”

    Bakers from Liverpool to Manchester united and took up arms. Brandishing vanilla cream-filled frosting bags with floral tips and uniformed in big puffy hats, irate pastry chefs attacked their scolding culinary critics who defended themselves with poison pens. They fought each other tooth and nail. And as expected, when the frosting cleared, everyone’s teeth and nails were a mess. What’s next, a gardening conflict – the War of the Roses?     

    1. The War of the Two Lips – A needless conflict. Deaf lip readers at Gallaudet University claimed their teachers were speaking ill of them in the cafeteria, when in actuality the professors were just chewing their food. 
    2. Battle of the Banana Republics – This battle was called off when the combatants kept slipping on the battlefield. 
    3. Appendomattox – Penultimate Civil War battle fought just prior to Appomattox. In the Battle of Appendomattox Gen. Robert E Lee lost both the battle and his appendix.
    4. Battle of the Bugle – Often confused with the Battle of the Bulge, more for its similarity in spelling than anything martial. The Battle of the Bugle was Taps for many servicemen.
    5. Water Lou – Cirque du Soleil’s extravagant reenactment of Napoleon’s disastrous Battle of Waterloo. The staging is very complex – Napoleonic Complex.
    6. Battle of Yettisburg – An abominable battle between snowmen from the North and South. The battlefield was streaked in yellow lines. Months later, when the snow cleared and the melting was evident, poet Robert Frost delivered his famously moving Yettisburg Address.
    7. WW½ – People have forgotten about this fairly benign hemispheric clash (1907-10) involving countries located below the equator. Some say they were protesting Rand-McNally mapmakers always putting them on the bottom of the globe and the older, more traditional countries on the top half. The Prime Minister of Australia said it was punishment for, “all our goofy Down Under animals. I knew those makeshift, spare-parts marsupials would give us a bad name. Kangaroos that box, platypuses with duckbills and Tasmanian Devils. Not to mention Waltzing Mathilda and Christmas in the summer.”

    The worst of it was when Australia invaded Chile armed only with unloaded didgeridoos that they just pointed at the bewildered Chileans and said, “Diddly, diddly-dow. Dow. Dow. Diddly, diddly-dow.” The only casualty from this hemispheric tantrum was the Tropic of Capricorn which was taken hostage by Paraguay but later released unharmed after another imaginary line – the International Dateline – negotiated successfully for its release. Historians now believe World War ½ was really a gateway World War.   Read the rest of this entry »

***Pubs and Clubs with Limited Appeal***

  1. Jeers – A place where nobody knows your name.
  2. The Porcelain Altar – A perfectly wretched place. It promotes both dwarf and cookie tossing.
  3. Friends Without Benefits – Formerly the Arm’s Length Tavern, this Debbie Downer club casts a curiously chilling effect on romance. Bar stools are 20 feet apart and “courting megaphones” are issued for yelling sweet nothings into the distant face of your friend – who shall likely remain a friend…without benefits.
  4. “Highballs are on me.”

    Where There’s Smoke There’s Cannabis – You know marijuana is much better for you than alcohol don’t you? At all levels. This sit down eat-in cannabis dispensary features hallucinogenically-activating comfort foods like Ham-murmurs, God Dogs and Wavy Gravy.

  5. The Elbow Room – A less chilling buzz kill than Friends Without Benefits, but alienating nonetheless. Bar stools are only 10 feet apart and instead of megaphones, sign language and winking is used to tantalize your future bumper of uglies.
  6. Dregs – Formerly the Bottom of the Barrel, this newly refurbished club of last resort is a haven for desperados who are one sad Amazon click away from ordering an inflatable “companion.”
  7. HyMen – A virginal Paradise for insecure, wealthy guys. This posh club allows affluent Oligarchs to cruise for the thing they most desire in a woman: tamper-evident vaginas. In courting virgins, these selfish men recognize that inexperienced women will never realize what uncaring lovers they are.
  8. Trés Cerebral – Too French. Too brainy and very complicated in a fussy way. Be careful not to contract MTDs – Mentally Transferred Diseases like egoism, Superiority Complexes and Misunderstood Prodigy Syndrome.
  9. Well Hung…Over – Normally a good thing, but not in this excessive case. In the morning you really regret being so well hungover.
  10. The Tilted Uterus – A large and expandable womb where customers feel so at home, that once they settle in, they assume a fetal position and never want to leave. Signature Drink: The Breech Baby Signature Dish: Placenta Helper. Upon exiting the embracing enclosure, many patrons feel reborn. And many Christians feel born again.
  11. “OK. You’re a Cab” – Answers the age old question drunks ask bartenders; “My good man, will you please call me a cab.”
  12. The Anal Pour – It’s a good thing the place is staffed by a bunch of ass wipes because the drinks taste like sh*t.
  13. Call Me a Cab Please – A classy joint where patrons refer to each other by well-known cabs (Cabernets). For example; “How do you do? My name is Sterling Vineyard and you must be Robert Mondavi.” Problems arise when drunk patrons ask the bartender to call them a cab. Usually the bartenders respond, “I can’t call you a cab, but I will give you a Lyft.”
  14. Christian Science Drinking Room – Who doesn’t want to become intoxicated by God? Apparently no one. It is however an opportunity to become one with the patron saint of blotto – Jack Daniels.
  15. Del Webb’s “Dilutions” – For active cruisers of a certain age. Also visit its sister saloons: the Papery Cheek and the Crepey Neck. This senior saloon serves watered down drinks to aging men with thinning hair and a fatting asses. Also popular with menopausal women who like to swing – their moods and not their bodies. Don’t miss the Blue Hair Happy Hour where formaldehyde-based cocktails will leave you completely em-bombed. Elderly pole dancers are doubly titillating with see-thru outfits to match their see-thru skin. Note this tragically hip joint is often fractured – especially when dancing the Bossa Nova. This happening place is absolutely lights out…at 8 pm sharp. Get deluded at Dilutions.
  16. The Repurposed Kidney – Run secretly by an underworld organ bank with ties to Doctors Without Scruples, this meat market syndicate surreptitiously anesthetizes its unsuspecting patrons with narcotizing drinks, then sets loose its in-house doctors without scruples to go a-organ-harvesting. Business plan is flawed because the franchises are not transplantable.
  17. Dingleberry’s – How do they even stay in business? I mean those are not olives in the martinis. And the little Goldfish they serve at the bar are, all floating belly up.
  18. Kraft Beer Hall – If you like Velveeta, you’ll love Kraft beer.
  19. Snickers Bar – Oops. Wrong kind of bar. It is however a Candy Bar where you might find a favorite sweetie to munch on.

Incredible Edibles: Stoner-Friendly Dishes Served at Medical Marijuana Eateries

  1. Wavy Gravy – A stoner classic. It’s a regular gravy lake you stare at, and then you swear it becomes wavy.
  2. Ham-murmurs and Hot Gods – A hallucinogenic take on America’s favorites. Dyslexilicious. Laminated menu with glossy pictures makes it easy for space cadets to point and order.
  3. Sue Nami’s Tsunami of Tzatziki Sauce – Who cares how it looks. It spells great.
  4. ♫Take a sad brownie, and make it better♫

    Smorgasbord of Marshmallow S’mores – As good tasting as it is hard to say

  5. Limp Biskit Infused with Viagra – With this special batter you can now pour yourself a stiff one.
  6. Endless Loop of Froot Loops – One simply cannot eat it alone, but toucan.
  7. Kraft Mellowroni & Cheese – Talk about your comfort food. This soothing dish is a favorite with low budget college kids.
  8. The Candy Man Did – We always knew the Candy man could. Well, now he has: Everlasting Gobstoppers.
  9. Lobster with Mother Jones Special Herbs – So good you’ll swear you’re molting.
  10. MC Escher’s Bottomless Bowl of Tiny Cookies: A  jar full of increasingly Tiny Cookies that gradually dissolve into imperceptible granules. Then almost undetectably the cookie crumbs coalesce and start to grow progressively larger as the process repeats itself you come to realize you’re confined to a crummy oscillating universe.
  11. 22/7 of a Pizza Pi – An irrational, irreducible pizza. In theory it can never be eaten, but it’s fun to try.
  12. Who Cares What It Is, I’ve Got Serious Munchies – Just know that it’s chewable and non –toxic.
  13. Beer Battered Bear Balls – You’ll never actually eat one. You’ll just convulse in laughter trying to say, “Please pass the Beer Battered Bear Balls.”
  14. Kentucky Fried Corn – Makes a kernel proud. You’ll appreciate the play on words in your mouth even if it is kinda corny.
  15. Tears in My Eyes Maui Onion – Hotter than Kilauea magma, this onion will bring tears to your already red eyes both for its chemical irritant and its superlative, layered beauty.
  16. Cake – Just generic cake. Eat the whole thing and shut up. You know you love it. Simple carbohydrates will have you chasing prey on the Serengeti like a cheetah. Comes in chocolate and Wildebeest flavor
  17. Peanut Butter and KY Jelly Muffwich – Again, just eat it and shut up. You know you love it. Comes with a side of Benadryl.
  18. LGBTQ Rainbow Sherbet – So stunning in its colorfully icy plumage that most just stare slack-jawed until it melts.
  19. Bacon Grease with Dippy Bread – Artery-hardening liquid joy. Must make out Will prior to eating.
  20. Denny’s Slam Bam Grand Slam Ham & Clam Jam – Filthily spreadable. Comes with hairless buns.
  21. Dinfast – That thing when you need to eat continuously from dinner to breakfast. We call it Dinfast. Depending on the time of day we also serve Fastlun and Lunner. Note: Brunch not available

Least Visited Museums and Halls of Fame

  1. Anyone can curate a sanely organized museum. It takes someone with a really tilted uterus (or whatever the male equivalent is) to run one of these more avant garde museums. 

    Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.

  2. Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
  3. Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
  4. Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
  5. Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
  6. Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
  7. Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
  8. Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
  9. International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.
  10. Read the rest of this entry »

Airlines Take Advantage of Lax Oversight During Government Shutdown

  1. Airlines to start charging people for carry on. Damn it! That’s going to cost me a fortune. I’ve been carrying on for decades.
  2. Not only carry on, but now umbrella charges are in effect making it very expensive for Mary Poppins to fly.
  3. Congregating near the front lavatory not only allowed, but encouraged – as long as the congregation is led by a clergyman
  4. Hey senor airlines. You’ve got some ‘plaining to do.

    It’s lax at LAX. LAX to screen passengers with one question: “Has anyone else had access to your underwear today?”

  5. New policy for passengers with service dogs: Dogs must be on a short leash. Humans must be crated.
  6. In the event of an “unplanned depressurization” overhead oxygen masks will still drop down, but they can only be activated by agreeing to a Reverse Mortgage
  7. Same holds true for a “planned depressurization”
  8. During cart service, some drinks may be poured by pilots performing barrel rolls
  9. Inflight movies must now include both the William Shatner and the John Lithgow versions of Twilight Zone’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”
  10. Bathrooms now equipped with webcams so airlines can verify people who’ve joined the Mile High Club: A commemorative certificate and a moist towelette are issued for couples achieving the event. Nothing is given for those soloing.
  11. Seat backs and tray tables must now be kept in the downright and opened positions during take-off and landing. They must be upright and locked during the cruise portion.
  12. All air sickness bags now pre-filed with yogurt.
  13. Pants – optional
  14. Boeing to introduce “Glass bottom fuselages.”
  15. All inflight magazine must feature a buff centerfold of shirtless Orville and Wilbur Wright riding a bicycle built for 2
  16. As long as you look disinterested, you may pet the person next to you
  17. Special seating area in the back for people possessing wide child-bearing hips. Only 2 seats per row instead of 3.  
  18. At their option people may exit via the jet way corridor or a passenger-deployed slidey chute.
  19. All galleys now equipped with a Walk-thru Starbucks.
  20.  

Maritime Madness: Strange Ships, Bizarre Boats, Ditzy Dinghies and Crazy Canoes

  1. The USS Air Guitar – A USO ship where servicemen can practice their air-guitar playing skills far from the prying eyes of civilian landlubbers. All types of invisible air-instruments: air-tubas, air-triangles, air-kazoos, air drumsticks (chicken and the invisible wooden kind). Kindly note: Playing of the Skin Flute is prohibited.
  2. The Chantix – Captained by Ray Liotta, this Big Pharma “Safe-Boat” is a place where smokers can go when suffering from the brutal side effects of Chantix. Whether you want to harm yourself or others, The Chantix is a free-floating safe haven for nicotine-deprived desperados. And all in a secure and welcoming environment free from the unforgiving sharpness of metal eating utensils.
  3. Why is the “ch” silent in yacht? Very confusingch. 

    The Conversion Therapy – Sail away a Christian and return a Jew. This is just one example of the transformative power of this specialty ship. It works on all types of individuals who want to change their affiliations. Note: Does not work on Gay men. In fact it tends to reinforce the orientation what with all those guys crammed into close quarters on a steamy ship with too few bunks and too many disco balls.

  4. The Leakey Lucy – This is the aging yacht of the famous family of anthropologists – the Leakey’s. Friends are reluctant to sail on her because they say, “It’s a Leakey boat.” The Leakey family calls these frightened little hominids nothing more than “Neanderthals.” Dr. Richard Leakey has examined the ship from stem to stern and says (not surprisingly), “Even though she’s showing some age, she has really good bones.”
  5. The STD – Flagship for the CDC (Center for Disease Control). This floating Petri Dish is usually under quarantine, however, the STD and her sister ship the Gonorrhea, are still popular with risk-taking bareback sailors. A word of advice: Stay topside and avoid plunging into the murky world “below decks.”
  6. HMS Regicide – A killer of a ship. Not very popular with the royal family. Princes check in, but they don’t check out.
  7. Holy Ship – Thee choice of seafaring Popes and retired Popes too! The Vatican knows it would be easier for Popes to simply part the seas and walk to their destination, but that would be too Holy-wood.
  8. Holey Ship – Swiss-flagged ship used in transporting their cheese.
  9. Wholey Foods Ship – Jeff Bezos, pleasure craft/hobby horse. The view is free, but the food is g-astronomical.
  10. HMS Foreskin – Under no circumcision should men of an uncut disposition board this ship.
  11. The Lady Marmalade – Party boat for booze cruising
  12. The Lady Marmalade Light – For those boats, who on the advice of a certified Shipwright, are on a sucrose-restricted diet
  13. USS Bilge – A service convoy ship. Sailors stay pumped-up while listening to Mary J Blige. Not being glib, but Bilge’s blaring of Blige, obliges all to stay motivated.
  14. Listing Heavily – What else? The corporate yacht of Craigslist.
  15. The Bloody Vessel – A Red Cross Hospital Ship, true to its name. Transfusions galore – most of them voluntary.
  16. The Capsized Challenge – The upside down brainchild of the Escape Room people, this inverted floating tomb is straight outta the Poseidon Adventure. You mission is to restore her to right side up in less than an hour or join Davy Jones in his locker. ♫There’s got to be a morning after♫
  17. The Metastatic – Owned by the American Medical Association. The ship grows on you very quickly, although everyone is in complete denial about it.
  18. “My Other Ship is a Cadillac” – A simple fishing trawler. For those who aspire to greater vehicles
  19. The #metoo – She’s a beautiful and worthy ship. Advised you don’t touch anything on board without permission.
  20. Frigate, I’m Angry – An ideal vessel for offloading your unmitigated hostility into international waters where it belongs
  21. The Yellow Submarine – Very popular with cartoon characters and piloted by Captain Crunch.
  22. The Border Wall Avoider – An unregistered speed boat. The crew of 2 is capable of cramming 15 “passengers” into the “cargo hold” designed for a set of golf clubs. Ideal for one way trips.
  23. Can-do Canoe – The size of a Swiss Army knife, this multi-function Can-do Canoe can open beer bottles, clean teeth and shock telemarketers from a distance. Must have a gung-ho, fired-up, can-do attitude to operate.
  24. Crawling Trawler – Powered by snails, this slow moving Trawler travels at (you guessed it) a snail’s pace. We don’t know why, but the company literature warns: “Do not get it wet.”

Today’s International Civics Lesson

 Types of Legislatures by Locale

1. Washington DC – Bicameral Legislature: 2 Legislative Bodies. The House of Representatives and the Senate
2. Nebraska – Unicameral: One Legislative Body
3. Hershey, PA – Chocolate Caramel: Caramel Center enclosed in a House of Chocolate
4. Egypt – Bactrian Camel: Single Hump Legislature operates only on Wednesday (Hump Day)
5. Saudi Arabia – Dromedary Camel: Two Hump Legislature. Elected officials will walk a mile for them.
6. Old Soviet Union – Polit Bureau: The Bureau where apparatchiks gathered to use their rubber stamp
7. Russia – Put In Bureau: I’m sorry, it’s Putin Bureau. Where elected officials put in what Putin says.
8. Japan – The Japanese Diet: I’m not kidding. It’s actually called the Diet. And when Japan needs to rein in spending it’s called the Austerity Diet.
9. Germany – The Bundestag: Again, actual name. The Bundestag. German is such a beautiful language.
10. Iceland – The Frigidaire: Alright so I made that one up. So sue me.

Pharmaceutical Commercials: The Last Refuge of an Aging Actor

Ray Liotta’s agent is getting him some choice parts these days like the smoking cessation commercial for Chantix.

Chantix Warnings: 
1. Chantix may cause urine to form swear words in the toilet. 
2. If you’re not currently a communist, you will be after taking Chantix. 
3. Chantix is not recommended for aging actors hoping to spawn new careers.
4. After your 4th dosage you’ll realize Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin’ You” is about her daughter Maya Rudolph.
5. Whether you take Chantix or not you will Google #4.

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An Equilibrious New Year

What is this a countdown: 20,19,18,17 etc.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

 

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

 

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things.