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Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Senior Communities of Dubious Distinction

  1. Needless Falls at Harbinger’s Ferry

    Nothing is Real

  2. Varicose Vineyards
  3. Grave Errors at Dirt Nap Gardens
  4. The Mausoleum at Hospital Corners
  5. Blue Hair Acres at The Strand
  6. Flatline Terrace at Defibrillator Manor
  7. Distant Memories at Amnesia Acres
  8. The Golf Course at Soylent Greens
  9. Organ Harvest Farms
  10. The Preserve at Embalmers Square
  11. The Last Resort Resort
  12. The Heights of Absurdity at Strawberry Fields

Earth’s Tourism Board Presents: Reasons for Visiting Earth

1. We’re a Class M planet. Always had oxygen. Always will. I’m looking at you Venus.
2. We pick up our garbage once a week and then bury it. Try getting that done on Neptune.
3. All our rings can fit on a finger. Listening Saturn
4. All our belts are custom fit. Take that Asteroid Belt.
4.5 We’ve dealt with our little “reptile problem.”
5. We’ve got Beatle music, 7-Layer dips and Steve Martin.
6. Almost all our steel is stainless – you couldn’t stain it even if you wanted to.
7. Our pajamas…Flame retardant. Light my fire baby, but not my PJ’s
8. Our people…Not so retardant proof, but we make up for it with 31 flavors of ice cream
9. We reproduce the fun way. None of this dainty dropping of seeds or gentle releasing of spores.
10. We have Mr. Pibb…and we’re working on a Mrs. Pibb if that lazy Dr. Pepper ever gets off his bubbly ass to help.
11. No one on Earth ever pays MSRP, so it’s fun to tell everybody about the screaming deal you got.
12. And finally and most importantly, the truth doesn’t require your approval.

Ships You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

  1. Ship Happens.
    Keel with it!

    Sank You Very Much – Great ship but usually found at the bottom of the ocean

  2. Heroine On Board – The Coast Guard is always stopping this ship owned by Wonder Woman Gal Gadot
  3. The Lima, the Piñto and the Santa Garbanzo – Sailed by Christopher Legumebus
  4. LGBT QE2 – That is one royal party ship
  5. The USS Raymond Burr The other “Old Ironside”
  6. HMS Brawny – Sister ship to the HMS Bounty
  7. HMS Corgi – Sister ship to the HMS Beagle
  8. Andriadorable – Way cuter than the Andrea Doria
  9. The Lucidtania – A clearer thinking version of the Lusitania
  10. What’s Your Cap Size – Worst double entendre ever
  11. Titanic II – With Global Warming there are very few icebergs to avoid
  12. Listing Heavily – Corporate ship of Craig’s List

There’s No Place Like Home

People never have to leave home now. They can be home-birthed, home-schooled and work from home. They can have meals and groceries home-delivered.

If they get sick – homeopathy.

All their friends – homies.

All their hits – homers.

They can even visit the Great Outdoors by sitting on their ovens where they’re Home, Home on the Range.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.

Soup’s On…Least Favorite Soups

  1. New England Damn Chowder – Favorite soup of Tourette sufferers
  2. Cyrillic Alphabet Soup – It’s Greek to me
  3. Split Bee – It hear it gives you a buzz
  4. Chicken Poodle Soup – Made only from poodles who were euthanized
  5. Vicious-soise – A stone cold soup made from really mean potatoes
  6. Gaznacho – Another cold soup of congealed cheese and tomato
  7. Maxistrone – When minestrone just isn’t enough
  8. Italian Wedding Soup/Italian Divorce Soup – These soups have you coming and going
  9. Dense Onion Soup – It’s a French Onion Soup, you just can’t get through to
  10. Me So Soup – This soup is all about you. Also called Narcissisoup.
  11. No Alarm Chili – Chili for white folk
  12. Lobster Disc – A hard shell, hard drive programmable bisque

How the World Would Be Different If All Cities Were Name Stuttgart

  1. Walla Walla, Washington now Stuttgart Stuttgart, Washington
  2. Shakespeare’s birthplace now Stuttgart-upon-Avon
  3. Muslims would now make their annual pilgrimage to Stuttgart.
  4. Plane ticketing would be very tricky, but at least you’d never land in the wrong city
  5. More conversations would sound like this:

Where you from?

Stuttgart.

Really! Me too.

  1. Truth or Consequences, NM now Stuttgart or Stuttgarts, NM
  2. Bombay, India now Mumstuttgart, India
  3. The Sinatra hit New York, New York now New Stuttgart, New Stuttgart
  4. Conversation:

So where have you lived?

Well I was born in Stuttgart, but I was an Army brat so we pretty much moved from Stuttgart to Stuttgart

  1. Conversation:

We honeymooned in Stuttgart Falls.

Oh, it’s beautiful there. That’s near Stuttgart isn’t it?

No, you’re thinking of the one on the Canadian side.

     10. A Gambler’s Complaint:

I’m so pissed off about the World Series. I can’t believe Stuttgart beat Stuttgart. I mean Stuttgart had all the players and yet Stuttgart still won. I hate Stuttgart.

      11. Reworked city of Rome phrases:

Well, Stuttgart wasn’t built in a day

When in Stuttgart do as the Stuttgartans do

All roads lead to Stuttgart

       12. And finally, Fairbanks, Alaska would still be a miserably cold place to live in

♫Take Me Out to the Ball Game♫

Slow-paced minor league baseball is vying to maintain fan interest with the Reno Aces offering a variety of dubious between inning events, challenges and competitions. Some are hits, but the following are swings and misses:
 
1. Batter Up – Contestants see how fast they can coat a loved one in a concoction of egg, flour and water. The winner gets a new coat.

2. The Seventh Inning Stretch of the Imagination – The entire stadium observes a reverent meditative silence until someone becomes self-actualized. Winner gets the usual: the ability to transcend space and time. If no one becomes self-actualized the meditation continues until someone starts crying because they’re bored to tears.

Two cartoonish figures to the right…Well 3 if you count me. 

3. Speed Embalming – This between inning game is designed for people 6 feet and under (or at least soon to be). UNR’s mortuary science class goes at it with certified cadavers. The competition is stiff. In fact, the winner is whoever has the stiffest stiff.
4. Amateur Veterinarian – Curious youngsters trying to take the temperature of uncooperative critters makes for an entertaining combination
5. Express Yourself – While artfully screened, lactating women vie to see who can be the first to pump 3 oz. of breast milk. Winner gets $500 in baby formula, which these days is one can.
6. Competitive Eating – Late inning fans who’ve “had a few” try to eat 8 oz. of mustard. Winners gets to compete in the next inning’s challenge…
7. …Projectile Vomiting – Contestant is judged on form, distance and artistry
8. Who Has the Most Stretch Marks? – The footprints of time upon my skin game. Winner gets a burqa.
9. Senior Pole Dancing – They say these geriatric gyrations around a pole are something you can never unsee. Viewers report cases of PTPD: Post Traumatic Pole Disorder
10. Distance Peeing – Another late inning showstopper. While tastefully shadowed behind a curtain, inebriated men and even some ardent women compete to see who can arch it the farthest. Winner gets an I-C-U-P mug.
11. Cat Tossing – Again, form, distance and artistry count in this game. Watch out for the cat’s claw or you’ll be saying, “Me ow!”
 
With apologies to all.
Now Play Ball!

Little Known Associations, Trade Groups and Organizations

  1. Imaginary Friends Support Group – It’s not who you know, but who you think you know
  2. Massagynist Anonymous – Support group for men who rub women the wrong way
  3. Leaf Blower Awareness Association – Just in case you weren’t aware enough
  4. Alcoholics Specifically Named – Life is too short for anonymity. Go public or go home.
  5. American Fart Association – This group stinks. However it’s very popular with 6-year olds
  6. The Why Are We Always 6th on the List Support Group – So predictable
  7. The Because We’re 7th On the List Support Group – So after the fact
  8. PTSD – Pre Traumatic Stress Disorder support group for worriers who are traumatized by things that haven’t happened yet
  9. 9¾-Step Recovery Program – For people who simply don’t have the time for a 12-step recovery program or just really like Harry Potter
  10. Agoraphobic Hermits LTD – This group pretty much keeps to itself. No meetings, no roster, no nothing. “Minding our own business” is their rallying cry.
  11. The Useless Thoughts and Prayers Support Group – This group really tries to be sincere
  12. Dealing with Real Depression – A self-help group for people who live below sea level
  13. The Club for Trying to Read the Tattoos on Black People – I think they’re getting ripped off. Maybe artists should use white ink
  14. Adventurers Who Plan to Conquer the North and South Pole – It’s the new bipolar
  15. Polar Bears Who Go Both Ways – It’s the even newer bipolar
  16. LGBTQ? with ADHD – Support group for people of letters – many letters
  17. Undereaters Anonymous – Not an organized group, but comprises about 25% of the world nonetheless
  18. The Alliance to Prevent Total Eclipses of the Heart – Only Bonnie Tyler is eligible

Fruit Noir: Stories from the Delinquent Produce Series

  1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
  2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
  3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
  4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
  5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
  6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
  7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
  8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
  9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
  10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
  11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
  12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

Highly Specific (and possibly dubious) Charities

  1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
  2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
  3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
  4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”

    They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

  5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
  6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
  7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
  8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
  9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
  10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
  11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
  12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
  13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
  14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
  15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
  16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.