Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was walking into the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Joe. Fatherless Joe (his mother Shirley never remarried) grew up longing for the father he never knew. Joe vowed that when he died, he would seek out his deceased father in the afterworlds.

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And one day, many years later, it came to pass that Joe did pass. Upon ascending to the vault of heaven (evidently he’d been a Good Joe) was pleased to find himself in the company of his long since deceased sister Kelly, his mother Shirley and a few family pets all gathered in a gorgeous iridescent meadow. But where was dad? He’d waited his entire life for this moment and dad was a no show.

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“What gives,” Joe exclaimed? “Where’s dad,” he lamented in the shimmering ethereal waviness of the afterlife?

Just then a Yoda-ish guardian angel appeared and explained to Joe that when his father George died (meteor to the head), George’s soul was placed in the body of his newborn son, Joe Grossman.

“You mean,” Joe gasped, “I’m a motherf…”.

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“No, no, no,” interrupted his guardian angel. “I wouldn’t use that term exactly. I mean yes, you did, but she was your loving wife at the time. Oedipal complexes aside, I’m here to tell you that you are your own father. That’s why he didn’t show up in the afterlife despite your lifelong yearnings. Now Joe, this rarely happens in the reincarnation business I superintend, but consider this snafu from my perspective. You had just been born and you had also just died, and there was no time to implement the usual Bardo protocols. To keep the supply chain moving, we took a short cut with the code of interdimensional reincarnation birthing procedures and placed your soul directly from your meteor-flattened body into your son’s newly born body. I hope you’re not too upset. We didn’t want to leave you in Limbo.

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“As a reward for enduring our production snafu, in your next lifetime we’re allowing you to get in line twice when they pass out brains – or any other organ you may want to double in size. You’re also scheduled to inherit the handsome gene from your mother’s side,” declared the angel. And with that crude gesture of frontier reincarnation justice, the little oracle evanesced into the ethers and returned to God’s After Party.

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Moral of the story: No matter how dirty you might be, never take a meteor shower.

 

Background: In one sense Carbon–14 dating is a forensic method of determining the age of organic matter by measuring the decay of the Carbon–14 atom. In another sense, Carbon-Dating is a method for unscrupulous professors to groom unsuspecting Carbon-14 atoms for personal gratification. In either case it’s a ready way for professors (be they studious or depraved) to gain access to, and fraternize with, Carbon-14 atoms.  

 

 

Dateline: Cambridge, MA — Harvard University’s Archaeological Board of Ethics has accused some tenured professors of engaging in unwelcomed Carbon-Dating, and that this so-called “Carbon-Dating” lacks proper supervision or safeguarding chaperones. In their defense, the Union of Concerned Scientists maintain that any Carbon-Dating has been completely consensual and absolutely necessary for carrying on their work in the field of dating antiquities. The board also accused the professors of dating antiquities without their consent, but that’s another story for another Age.

 

 

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More specifically the board has charged Prof. Adam Askew with some questionable Carbon-Dating practices. Professor Askew admits he’s dated hundreds, perhaps thousands of Carbon-14 atoms, but that in each case all his Carbon-Dating has been entirely consensual for both himself and the particle of matter in question – even going so far as to get permission from the molecule it was attached to. As expected the reaction of the atom community has been positive, negative and even neutral on the matter – isn’t that just like an atom.

 

 

One Carbon-14 atom declared, “This whole Carbon-Dating thing just doesn’t matter.” But then later admitted, “Well, maybe that’s just my anti-matter talking.” Several board members warned that humans engaging in any kind of merging or fusion with a Carbon-14 atom risk nuclear catastrophe in the form of one helluva a Big Bang, should they somehow manage to merge.

 

 

Professor Adam Askew admits that when he first looked at a Carbon-14 atom under an electron microscope it was, “love at first sight. Adam loved atom. And my affection is limited to the carbon atom and only the Carbon-14 isotope specifically. I could care less about sodium, strontium or antimony. Although I will admit, Cesium-137 looks quite fetching under the e-scope. You can read all about this in my book Up and Atom: Successfully Dating with Carbon-14.“ 

 

Pros and Cons of Carbon-14 Dating

1. It’s hard to tell if a particular Carbon-14 atom is male or female. Sometimes you find out after it’s too late.
2. Carbon-14 dating can determine the date of a 5000 year-old mummy within 3 weeks
3. It’s a cheap date: Carbon-14’s eat nothing and its favorite movie is Honey I Shrunk the Kids
4. They decay very slowly and generally have a mid-life crisis only about once every 22,000 years.

 

 

Some say this basic building block of life lacks soul and shouldn’t have protections on how they’re treated, so if some academic-type chooses to get his rocks off with an inorganic, rocky mineral that’s his business. It’s not like minerals are woke or anything. In any event there have been some shenanigans going on in Harvard’s labs. Electron microscopes have been used indecently in ogling Carbon-14 atoms in the buff – clothed only in a scanty shell of electrons. Heck, some Carbon-14 atoms have had their shells knocked-up to Carbon-16 atoms. When professors were asked how this mysterious electron augmentation occurred they sheepishly said, “Hey…isotopes happen.”

“This is plain wrong,” board member Prudence Goodwater inveighed. “A Carbon-14 atom cannot give consent until it’s at least Carbon-18.”

 

 

Scientists concerned about the Union of Concerned Scientists say this Carbon-Dating scandal has given the entire scientific community a black eye. Well it is sooty carbon, so what else would you expect. Maybe this story is true or maybe it’s just Harvard lampooning us. Meanwhile, be happy that even though you can never have this 3 minutes back, you invested it very wisely. I mean I hope it generated plenty of interest for you.

Holy Sheet – Yes, It’s That Time of Year Already?

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This year’s 3K Race is a must for all you Racists out there. Racists from all sorts of backgrounds are welcomed: be they White, Caucasian, Aryan or just plain Anglo-Saxon. You see with the Klan, it doesn’t really matter where you’re from as long as you’re, y’know …melanin deprived. In the words of Matthew McConaughey, “All white, all white, all white.”  

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So come rally ‘round the cross.

When: Friday the 13^th January 2023

Where: Col. Judice’s Plantation in Ezra Swamp, Alabama

Length of Race: 3K – Run 1K at a time K-K-K

Activities: Run at 4, BBQ at 6. Cross burning to follow.

Note to Burning Man Fans: We know you like the cross burning, but we’re gonna ask y’all not to come this year until you better understand what we’re all about. As they say…not a good fit.

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Press Release from the offices of our leader and Grand Cyclops, Harmer Gullet:

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My Fellow Klan Members and Other Bigots,

If you love being a racist (and I’m pretty sure you do) have we got a 3K race for you. For obvious reasons 3K’s have always been the Klan’s sweet spot. It’s kinda like our Goldilocks distance.

 

Racists should note that for the first time our fundraising rally will be held at the Judice Plantation. Pre-Judice it was run at “Big” Ed Ott’s Manor aka BigOtt’s.

 

The Klan will use a portion of the funds raised to underwrite contour sheets for fashion-conscious Racinistas who don’t like to be seen in shapeless, billowing sheets. We try to keep up with the times and some of our snootier, Instagram Racinistas are quite particular in the sheets they wear. Heck some won’t even wear white after Labor Day. It’s a real problem at rallies.

 

The KKK reminds participants that anyone who runs in the race is, by definition, a racist. We will however, allow joggers – but they must be at least anti-Semitic. Participants are also reminded there’s a $35 entrance fee payable in cash or Confederate scrip.

 

New this year is the Marilyn Monroe “Seven Year Itch” station, where frisky lady Klanners can stand over a grate and have gusts of air blow their sheets above their waists just like naughty Marilyn did. Participants must wear show pants – no bareback and no men. 

 

A barbecue and cross burning to follow. As always, BYOC (Bring Your Own Cross). And please remember to have your sheets treated with flame retardant spray before the BBQ – we don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco.

 

Well, that’s as best as I can tell you. I mean that’s asbestos, I can tell you.

 

I’m 3 Sheets to the Wind,

Grand Cyclops, Harmer Gullet

1. Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
2. In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
3. Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
4. 

   Picture I always include in my resume. So what if I haven’t worked in 9 years. It’s who I am.

   In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke

5. A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
6. Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H²0 (“$5” = a fin and “@H²0” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
7. In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
8. Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
9. Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
10. An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.

While touring in Jerusalem, I got into a confusing conversation with my tour guides Said Abdullah and his brother Aviv.

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I asked Said if people from Yemen were friendly.

Said said, “There are no enemy Yemeni. Any enmity with the Yemeni is cockamamie.”

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Me: You’re sure there are no enemy Yemeni?

Said: Yemen, I’m Syrias.

Me: You’re Syrias? OK. Does your brother know about all this?

Said: No, but I plan to Tel Aviv.

Me: Interesting. Well allow me to Babylon. Did you know that when you tell a lie it’s “instant bull?”

Said: No. Istanbul is in Turkey.

Me: It is? I can’t keep my Bosporus Strait. Do you remember that Beatle song where they sing ♫Strawberry Fields Nothing Israel ♫?”

Said: Iraq my brain, but I don’t know that song. However I do know the Beatle song where they sing, ♫You say Dubai and I say Hello ♫.

Me: After this can we visit the pyramids in Egypt?

Said: Well we could go, or we Kuwait.

Me: What do you think of the pyramids at Giza?

Said: The pyramids are perfect, but the Sphinx stinx. See the thing of it is is israel wants us to stay.

Me: Is it true that when in Jerusalem you do as the Jerusalemanians do

Said: This Israeli true.

Me: What Israeli true?

Said: That we are not going to the pyramids. We went once and got ripped-off by a fellow tour guide – Egypt us.

Me: OK. I’m just glad the COVID scare is over. Da masks were Syria-sly bad.

Said: Yes. Damascus, Syrias.

Me: Oman. That Israeli true. Hey Said, what do you call someone’s father who works for Ziploc?

Said: That’s easy. Baghdad.

1. 

   Self e-face-ing?

   The birth rate would drop to 0

2. You’d hear a lot more “Y’know, you remind me of somebody”
3. People would be a lot nosier
4. 10 Most Wanted Posters would generate a lot of false positives
5. It would’ve been a lot easier to chisel Mount Rushmore
6. Spice Girls a lot less popular
7. In the TV show Streets of San Francisco, it’d be real hard to tell Karl Malden from Michael Douglas
8. Stunt doubles would no longer have to hide their faces
9. There’d be no cute Beatle
10. Christianity in jeopardy. Worshipers would find it hard to pray to Karl Malden.
11. We’d all have faces only a mother could love
12. Porn industry would come to a screeching halt
13. The Phantom of the Opera wouldn’t bother with a mask
14. 90% of doctors would go into rhinoplasty.
15. Stocks of facial recognition companies would tank
16. The movie Titanic would definitely lose its edge
17. Police sketch artists…out of business
18. Interest in Kate Upton would drop significantly.
19. And of course, Chuck Norris would still look like Chuck Norris

Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:

 

1. Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
2. Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
3. Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
4. Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
5. Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
6. Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
7. The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
8. The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
9. Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
10. In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
11. The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
12. Bjórk…Ebénézér
13. Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
14. That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
15. Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
16. While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
17. All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
18. GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.

The point is we’d all be Scrooged.

 

1. State Flower – The Orange Traffic Cone
2. State Flour – Durum Semolina
3. Number of Museums Dedicated to Rock & Roll – 1
4. Number of Museums Dedicated to the Partridge Family – 0
5. Scariest Lake – Lake Eerie
6. State Joke: Q. What do young Stags see out of? A. Buckeyes.
7. State Electrical Unit – The Ohm
8. State Chanting Unit – The Om
9. City That is Most Thanked – Cleveland. As in “Thank you Cleveland! You’ve been great.”
10. State Fly – The Zipper
11. State Zipper – The Fly
12. State Bird – Roadrunner (Yes, the one the Coyote is after)
13. State Fragrance – Kumquat Spice
14. State Flag – Pennant-shaped. Technically a “burgee” shape. Flag has 17 stars because it was the 17th state when admitted in 1803
15. State Candy – M&M
16. State Rapper – Also Eminem
17. State Motto – Ohio: First in Lubrication
18. State Cannabis Motto – “Ohhh, High, Ohhh”
19. State Capitol – Ɏ (This is the symbol for the state capitol formerly known as Columbus, who’s not too popular these days)

 

 

Ohio is still annoyed by those little Dayton bicycle makers – the Wright Bros. – who had to go all the way to Kitty Hawk, NC for the world’s first flight. What, they couldn’t spend those 11 seconds on the shores of Lake Erie?

 

Q: What state is Ohio in?

A: Ohio is a state.

Q:  I mean what state…is Ohio in?

A: Oh, you mean like flux or ignorance.

1. Yeah.
2. Well I’d say Ohio was in a state of Denali.
3. You mean denial.
4. No. Denali. They want to be Mt McKinley, but they’re about 18,000 ft short.