Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Least Useful Car Options

How to complicate life: Make it seem beneficial to fill your tires with 100% nitrogen instead of regular air which is already 78% nitrogen. Not a difference maker.

This list is inspired by real life events: My new Honda’s tires were filled with nitrogen. True. There are many advantages to this option they say, but the only one I can think of is as an inspiration for this list. I wish tires were filled with helium so cars would weigh less. Hmmm…must tweet Elon Musk about this. In any event, here are some other options of equal or lesser value:

  1. Ear-Piercing Back up Beeper – Back up with all the self-importance of a cement truck. With this “Can You Hear Me Now” feature they’ll make way for you even if you are driving a dinky little Corolla. 
  2. Urn Holders – More than just an ash-tray. Take your loved ones with you wherever you go. Perched just above the window, your cindered loved ones will appreciate peering out to see what they’ve been missing. Rhino horn holders also available.
  3. Intermittent Braking: This feature randomly disables the regular brakes thereby allowing drivers the heart-stopping thrill of trying to locate the emergency brake in a hurry.
  4. Rear Stabilizer Bar – Serves Beer and Wine to passengers in rear. If under 21 Rear Stabilizer Bar also serves Capri Sun juice pouches.
  5. Blackout Windshield – Available only to instrument-rated drivers driving in IFR conditions
  6. Self-Driving Miss Daisy Car – Driverless car answers commands in Morgan Freeman’s voice. At the end of each ride, we all understand each other more deeply.
  7. Glove Box Lobster Tank – Make every excursion feel like you’re going to the Red Lobster. Must have waterproof registration and waterproof of insurance.
  8. Frontview mirrors – The perfect companion piece to rearview mirrors. Allows driver to turn around, look behind into a mirror, to see what’s in front of them. Helpful when you tire of just sitting and looking straight ahead. Note: This option is more of a conversation piece than anything else. Must be a complete idiot to actually use it.
  9. X-rated Transmission Hump – Talk about racy. This adults’ only hump comes in two styles: Missionary and Doggy.
  10. Ice Bucket Challenge Seats – A different kind of bucket seat. When you least expect it a shower of ice cubes pours down from the headliner. Comes in handy when feeling drowsy. Also supports ALS sufferers, although no one knows exactly how.
  11. Phone Tree Announcement Changer – Ties in with iPhone and allows caller to erase the stupid part of the announcement that says, “If this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 9-1-1.” Also removes the “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.” Very satisfying.
  12. 130-gallon Windshield Washer Reservoir – Fill it once and forget it. Adds a road-hugging 1000 lbs. of liquid ballast while lowering the vehicle’s center of gravity. Even in the windiest of conditions, never again worry about tipping over.
  13. Heated Spare Tire – Some say it’s frivolous, but who doesn’t like a nice toasty donut.
  14. Glass-Bottom Car – AKA The Reverse Sunroof. Instead of a window on the world above, you can now get a window on the world below. A clear acrylic sheet across the floorboards allows you to watch the world rush by under your feet. This way you can drive and keep your eyes on the road.
  15. Pumpkin Spice Gas Cap – Who says petrol and squash aroma don’t mix?
  16. Oval Tires – Great for evening out the most obtrusive of speed bumps. Guarantees your kids will be born dizzy.
  17. Tom Carvel’s gravelly voice narrates the onboard GPS – Google him or substitute Harvey Fierstein if you’d like.
  18. Old School Anti-ABS – This Anti Anti-Lock brake System removes the ABS requirement and allows you to “Make Breaking Great Again.” No more “so-called” controlled stops with this feature. Once you slam on the brakes you’re skidding till you stop, just like God intended.
  19. Light Indicating Low Self-Esteem – The ultimate idiot light. If you’re insecure enough to purchase this option, then it deserves to stay on.
  20. Digestive Gas Gauge – This digestive aid tells you exactly how much gas is in your system, or if you’re just full of sh*t. Must purchase companion “Slim-Fit” anal probe.
  21. Fluid Level Cluster – Tells you exactly how much fluid is in your Bladder and whether you can make it to the next stop.
  22. Engine-mounted Panini Maker – Leave hungry and arrive at your destination with a grilled Ham & Brie sandwich courtesy this feature that smartly presses a sandwich between the bottom of hood and top of engine manifold. Grill marks are etched to perfection. Think of it as a huge carbon footprint Panini maker.
  23. Get the Option that never stops tinkling: Roof Mounted Wind Chimes. Make your vehicle a New Age Dreamboat. Who doesn’t like to tinkle?
  24. Specialized 20-speaker Audio system that just listens. Then it empathizes and eventually counsels you on ways to overcome life’s obstacles. Must combine with self-esteem gauge.
  25. Run Flat Goulash-filled Tires – Can substitute Tuna Noodle Casserole. Nitrogen not available.
  26. Seats Treated with FartGard – Drive comfortably with greater peace of cheeks with this TMI feature. If you fart into it, it farts back. It detects, calculates and displays total number of farts in all seats and their relative humidity upon initial discharge. Again, more than you want to know, and it might make you queasy, but please, if you are experiencing a medical emergency, stop reading and call 9-1-1.

Fight the Power: Americans Against Unwelcomed Name Changes of Major Cities

Good Bye Chicken Kiev, Hello Fowl Kyiv?

Sign of the Times

If you’re like me (which I doubt very highly) you’ve noticed a slow-building and insidious trend in the renaming of major global cities. Cartographers are calling this syndrome Global Conforming. This sop to the signage industry began with the ancient city of Peking, which overnight in the 70’s became Beijing, thereby eliminating Peking Duck as my go-to Chinese restaurant order (Under no circumstances will I ever order Beijing Duck). Then Bombay, India decided it couldn’t deal with its pleasingly exotic name and renames itself Mumbai. Mumbai – which sounds like you’re trying to say “Monday” with a mouthful of Novocain. Not a good look India. Or a good sound either. So now Bombay Sapphire becomes Mumbai Sapphire? Nope. I’m not drinking that jungle juice.

 

As an American against the unwelcomed name changing of major cities or (AAUNCMC), I propose we turn back the fonts of time to the way things should be. And that brings me to Kiev, Ukraine. Kiev was a national capital when dinosaurs walked the Earth (not really, but you get the point). Why in tarnation, or in any nation, has Kiev suddenly (and without permission) become Kyiv? Really? So long Chicken Kiev. Hello Fowl Kyiv. Johnny Cougar back to John Mellencamp – that I get. But this politically correct urban renaming is done with all the clinical sterility of a Stepford wife doing laundry. To me these unilateral name changes should be called what they are: The Signage Industry Full Employment Act. Read the rest of this entry »

New Year’s Resolution: To Transcend These Things that Bother Me

  1. Cut it out.

    I’m living in fear that Jeopardy! does not have a succession plan for Alex Trebek. I’ll take Worry for $2000 Alex.

  2. Same for “Wheel” and Pat. And don’t get me started on Vanna. That chick is 62 years old now. She’s been turning heads and letters for over 30 years now*. * I know, I know. She only touches the letters now.
  3. I’m bothered that in Spain they speak Spanish not Spainish
  4. I hear vegan Spaniards speak Spinach – at least those are the sounds they “produce.”
  5. In France they speak French when they should speak Franch
  6. In the Flemish region of Belgium they speak Mucous and the sidewalks are covered in it.
  7. Speaking of speaking; at Gallaudet University they speak sign language without saying a word. When they want to scream they wear all CAPS. I mean they all wear caps.
  8. I’m bothered that the Philippines is populated by Filipinos not Philippinos. How does Ph change to F?
  9. The original bother: The whole 2 Darrin’s thing on Bewitched is still fresh in my mind. They think they can just replace a husband and not say anything. Just twitch your nose Samantha and order up a new husband. I’m still scarred.
  10. I wonder if I lose my mind, what I’ll have left. This list probably. Hey wait a minute.
  11. We act like we know everything when we should be saying, “I know that I know nothing.” Pinched this gem from Plato and for this I’m not really bothered.
  12. Why is Peking now Beijing? Peking worked fine for 700 years. And yet restaurants still call it Peking Duck.
  13. Bombay has become Mumbai. And yet top shelf bottles are still called Bombay Sapphire.
  14. I only need 1 out of 10 letters sent to me. Maybe Vanna can turn back the other 9 letters.
  15. Realizing that we’re all living on just the “crust” of the Earth makes me feel insignificant. What will my epitaph be? “I trod around on the outside of a big piece of toast till I died. Now I’m buried in one of its nooks and crannies.”
  16. That Walter White is now just Bryan Cranston. That’s a really Bad Break.
  17. If there’s one prevailing force pervading everything, why are there so many religions trying to describe it? I wish people would stop practicing their religions and just perform them. With all the practice they should know what to do by now.
  18. Denali was Mt. McKinley now it’s back to Mt. Denali. What about the Nile? Will it now become Denial?
  19. John Mellencamp was a Cougar now he’s a fruit (a mellen?). Oh bring back my Johnny to me.
  20. These lists bother me. I think it’s preventing me from self-actualizing or something. Well at least I’m drawn to the unruffled sangfroid of Matthew McConaughey, so obviously there’s been some growth on my part.
  21. Jennifer Aniston was jilted by Brad Pitt and is now the world’s oldest 26 year old. Yeah I’m bothered why I age and she doesn’t. Note to self: Must start putting Aveeno on my Corn Flakes.
  22. Since we’re talking about Brad Pitt’s ex-girlfriends, I suppose I should now say something about Gwyneth Paltrow. But I won’t. I’m already knee deep in this Goop.
  23. And don’t get me started on Angelina Jolie – a restraining order already prevents that.
  24. The word “empty” should be spelled “mt”. There’s no clarity anywhere. I feel so, so, so mt.
  25. Pluto is no longer a planet. Who has the right to demote a planet? I understand Pluto has adopted a symbol and is referring to itself as “the planet formerly known as Pluto.” And yes, I’m bothered by this. Oh, like you’re not.
  26. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the absence of Mother Theresa enough
  27. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the presence of the Dalai Lama enough
  28. Bill Cosby seemed like such a nice man. But I should’ve known something was up when he shamelessly promoted New Coke.
  29. There are a lot of people who were never caught doing really bad stuff; and they may even be doing it now. Then again I hear God does sort them out later, so in some sense I’m not really too bothered by supposedly unpunished Earthly indiscretions.
  30. I’m bothered that everyone isn’t more like Mr. Rogers. If everyone was like Mr. Rogers, I could finally be a bad ass. Well, maybe not a bad ass, but at least feared more than PBS travel writer Rick Steves.
  31. I’m bothered that we’re not supposed to be distracted drivers and yet municipalities allow glitzy outdoor billboards to timeshare between (for example) SPCA warnings and Wheel of Fortune ads. Causing me to at first wince at the cruelty to animals and then (once the timeshare switches) turn my head back to see what Vanna is wearing. Oh, I can’t text (fair enough), but you can keep my eyes off the road in the name of commercialism.
  32. I’m bothered that I’m up to number 34 now and the Prozac is having absolutely no effect on me. I wonder why it was labeled “Lipitor.”
  33. <Putting myself in timeout. I need a break. You need a break.>
  34. I’m back and I’m running a temperature so now I’m hot and bothered.
  35. I’m bothered that I misunderstood what celibacy meant and so for 45 years I never played sax.
  36. And through this cathartic process of enumerating perturbations, discomfitures and whiny little misgivings, I’m cured. Thank you for listening. My New Year’s Resolutions are resolved. I’ll see you next year with a new, more elevated list: Why it’s All Good, Even When It Doesn’t Appear to Be All Good.

Epitaphs: They’re Killin’ Me

He’s in Jeopardy, but he’s wheely fortunate too.

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

  1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
  2. You should see the other guy
  3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
  4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
  5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
  6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
  7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
  8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
  9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
  10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
  11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
  12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
  13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
  14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
  15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
  16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
  17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
  18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
  19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
  20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
  21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
  22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
  23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
  24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
  25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
  26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
  27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

BREAKING News: Cowsills Say Moon Landing was Faked

“Just imagine, without us there would’ve been no Partridge Family.”

Breaking their silence after spending over half a century deciding when was the right time to “go public” with their bombshell, the Cowsills decided now is the ime and have issued a coordinated statement splashed across all their social media platforms (AOL, Yammer, and MySpace) declaring: “The Cowsills firmly believe the moon landing was faked. Not all of them, just the second one.”

 

Drummer Bob Cowsill went on to explain why the band waited so long to detonate their lunar bombshell, “We didn’t want our public stance to interfere with our bookings. And since we haven’t had any since 1983, we felt that now was a good time.” Bob then further explained the essence of the statement by breaking into the band’s 1967 signature hit The Rain, the Park & Other Things: “♫And I knew. I knew, I knew, I knew, There wasn’t a moon landing, landing, landing ♫.  

 

This is Us.

Of the three remaining Cowsill members (Bob, Susan and Paul) only 2 of them actually believe the moon landing was a hoax. Cute little Susan Cowsill (now 60) is the lone holdout. She believes Apollo 12 did land someplace besides earth, just not on the moon. In a prepared statement she said: “Now I’m no astronomer, but the moon is a fickle thing. Heck sometimes you look up and it’s not even there. So how could someone land on it if it’s missing?”

 

And in an unprepared statement Susan said: “These rehab centers really help. Especially after the 20th stay.”

Meanwhile, in another part of the pretend world we sometimes inhabit, Partridge Family spokesman and former manager Reuben Kincaid referred all questions on the Cowsills’ statement to Partridge Family mother hen Shirley Jones who said, ♫C’mon get happy.♫

What’s next in the realm of eccentric announcements? Loretta Lynn claiming Dolly Parton wears a wig.  

 

Cowsills Proclamation Moves the Needle for Moon Landing Conspiracists.

There are a still a few Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters who have sent word through their Ham Radios that they “Received the Cowsill message and will adjust their lives accordingly.” Vegetarian Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters have been communicated similar messages through their Tofu Radios which they say sound just like Ham Radios.

 

“This is huge,” said an operator with the handle XTC4U. “We’ve been waiting for the Cowsills to weigh in on this issue for decades. When they talk, we listen. This just confirms everything we believed about NASA’s great Hoax – not on the first moon landing, just the 2nd.” When reminded that the Cowsills were a family rock band from the 1960’s who haven’t had a hit on the charts since 1970, XTC4U removed his homemade aluminum hat and responded with, “And you’re point is? My God, they’re the Cowsills. The COWSILLS damn it! Can you not hear me? They made this announcement on MySpace for Christ’s sake and now it’s gone larval.”

 

Other Ancient Rock Stars Late to the Party with Their Own Pronouncements

  1. Predictably the remaining Monkees have come out against animal research on all remaining monkeys.
  2. The Captain and Tennille released a rambling Manifesto (is there any other kind) deploring Daylight Savings Time: “Darryl and I find the imposition of enforced Daylight Savings Time oppressive and a promotion of Fake Time.” What makes their pronouncement all the more demented is that the Captain and Tennille live in Arizona where Daylight Savings Time is outlawed. They say they’re doing it for all the unborn children who could conceivably be late or early to preschool depending on whether it’s spring forward or fall back.
  3. The Sex Pistols have come out in favor of allowing cars the option of turning not right on red, but left on red. They’re English so it’s really no big deal. They drive on the left side of the road anyway and they practice left on red.
  4. Lead singer Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane/Starship is calling for the abolishment of slavery. The NAACP reminded Ms. Slick that slavery was abolished in 1865 saying, “That’s not too slick Grace.” While other more charitable members thanked for her insights saying “That’s Amazing Grace. Just Amazing Grace.”
  5. Engelbert Humperdinck piggybacked or humperdincked (as piggybacking is referred to in England) on the whole “aging rock star pronouncement thing” and issued this peculiar statement, “I’d just like to say that although I’m not at all homophobic, I am uncomfortable being around people who are bilingual. In fact, I don’t even like flying on Aer Lingus. Please release me. Let me go!”

America Reacts Swiftly to the Cowsill Bombshell: “Ummm…What the hell’s a Cowsill?”

Calling this 50 years after-the-fact assessment from a long-forgotten band and “act of the utmost inconsequentiality,” America breathed a collective sigh of “We’d be more dismissive if this pronouncement thing even registered with us. It does not. This will never be one of those ‘do you remember where you were moments’ when the Cowsills announced they thought the moon landing was faked. What we need is less Cowsill and more cowbell.”

On Taking Granite for Granted – Stone Cold Stupid

I would imagine that in God’s eyes we’re a lot like dogs: noble and companionable, but let’s face it – cosmically speaking we’re still drinking from the toilet bowl. My particular weakness is my singular inability to look at a buffed granite countertop and simply say, “I appreciate your bright and shiny stoniness.” Instead I become verbose and overly celebratory in my praise of granite.

 

“Don’t take me for granite!”

I’m reasonably intelligent (I’ve never owned a pet rock), but I’m unable to feel just a simple appreciation and normal regard for granite. I fuss over, and am awed by granite. My point is, for whatever reason, I cannot take granite for granted. I’ll grant you taking granite for granted rarely impacts my everyday life and thankfully was not part of my mortgage application – “Mr. Hardiman in the essay portion of our application you seem to imply that you are unable to take granite for granted. I’m afraid your lack of normalcy in the realm of granite appreciation is both unnatural and, in this case, disqualifying. We cannot in good conscience lend money to someone as dumb as a rock.”

 

And the bank would be justified in my exclusion because it’s not just granite countertops I cannot take for granted, but also granite rock formations. I admit I’m so awed by granite that I’ve recently moved to New Hampshire for no other reason than to be in the Granite state.

Well so what. Maybe for you it’s Dancing with the Stars or that caramelized crusty corner of homemade macaroni & cheese that you cannot take for granted, but for me it’s granite. And I’m not alone either. As Abraham Lincoln said about his favorite Civil War general: “I’ll grant you Grant doesn’t take granite for granted even though I hear Stonewall Jackson does.”

***I Knew I Should’ve Kept This as Part of My Inner Dialogue***

However, this is the kind of obscure minutia that haunts me:

 

I worry that if I ever met Dick Cavett, he’d be able to sprinkle our conversation with more relevant Norma Desmond quotes from “Sunset Boulevard” than I ever could.

 

An unreasonable fear? Maybe.

 

My condition has been diagnosed as Normaquotaphobia and I believe I’m its only sufferer. There’s a vaccine for it, but the side effect is it makes you think like Jenny McCarthy.

 

In any event, I try to remain a Big Picture guy. After all, “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.”

 

And finally, “Tell Mr. Toothpaste, I’m ready for my Close-Up.”

 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled life already in progress.

Well These Won’t Be Easy on the Brain

  1. My new book “Ventriloquism for Dummies” just arrived. For some reason I can’t read it without moving my lips.
  2. God’s majesty is ineffable…so are women wearing chastity belts.
  3. It was just a prank when Debra Messing said her mother, Mrs. Messing went missing. Messing was just messing with us.
  4. He exercised his Free Will. He had no choice.
  5. He drank the prune juice with “aplomb.” He had no choice.
  6. He was allowed only to pick between Prime Beef or Select Beef. They had no Choice.
  7. There is no #7. I had no choice.
  8. Try not to get into acute depression, because there’s nothing cute about depression.
  9. A prisoner on Death Row had the foresight to order a 112 ft. long submarine sandwich for his last meal. The warden complied. The inmate lived for another 14 days while slowly eating the lengthy sandwich, but died of food poisoning on the 15th day.  

    Submarine Sandwich Forever 

 

Trove of Long Lost Detective Stories Discovered

  1. Magnifycent!

    Caitlyn Jenner and the Case of the Very Mistaken Identity

  2. Sherlock Holmes is hopelessly constipated in this predictably slow-moving case entitled “No Sh*t Sherlock.” The author, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, has our quirky genius, Sherlock Holmes, suffering heroically from constipation. And although our brave Sherlock exudes great fortitude, that’s about all he manages to exude for a week. The ordeal ends when he accidentally sees Queen Victoria naked and it scares the sh*t out of him.
  3. Miss Marple’s “April Papal PayPal Caper” – Spring is in the air and the Vatican is awash in intrigue when the Pope is tricked into sending money to a needy Nigerian prince whose request for funds seemed perfectly legitimate – at least initially. The church goes to court for redress, but the case is thrown out on the grounds it’s just too damn hard to pronounce (April Papal PayPal Caper).
  4. Redrum, She Wrote – Cabot Cove’s Jessica Fletcher is back, and backwards this time in “Redrum, She Wrote.” In this ass backwards episode, Jessica reverses the detective process and solves a murder before it even happens. Ironically, the perpetrator, a hilarious comedian, is found guilty of the crime even though he hasn’t killed anyone yet. It seems the prosecution got him on a technicality when they duped the arrogant comedian into bragging “I murdered’em last night” while performing onstage.
  5. Perry Mason and the Case of the Shy Bladder – When his wife shows up missing, the District Attorney warns the husband, “Urine trouble.” But the husband turns the tables on the DA by asking one simple question: “Oh really Mr. District Attorney. Tell me then, how can one be ‘missing’ when they ‘show-up’?” On the basis of this single unanswerable question he’s released on his own recognizance. We still wonder how his wife was hiding her shy bladder problem. Depends…on what she was wearing. In any event, critics everywhere agreed – the case was an absolute pisser.
  6. Charlie Chan and the Chocolate Factory in “The Case of No Tickee*, No Entry.” – Well, how did little Willy Lo Mein gain entrance to the fabulous chocolate factory without the Golden Tickee? I mean Willy Lo Mein was liked, but not well liked. *Note: This story was written in 1934 so using the word “tickee” was not racial stereotyping. I mean it was racial stereotyping, but no one cared.
  7. “Hairdresser Hairassment?” Was it a case of non-consensual hair-sniffing in this Vidal Sassoon story of unwelcomed inhaling? Opening sentence reads: “Gee lady, your hair smells terrific, and I bet the hair on your head smells good too.”
  8. From the creators of Wil & Grace comes a mystery so stupid you’ll drool. The plot involves the kidnapping of Debra Messing’s mother in a drama named: “Debra Messing’s Mom, Mrs. Michelle Messing, is Missing.” Actually this isn’t true, I’m just messing with you.
  9. In a similar vein, a recently discovered short story by Yogi Berra was entitled: “Baseball Missing. Foul Play Suspected.”
  10. And in another mystery that should’ve stayed undiscovered, Frank Perdue’s unpublished story: “Chicken Missing. Fowl play suspected.”
  11. “Nancy Drew and the Case of the Smoked Salmon” – A serial murderer leaves his calling card, a smoked salmon at his murder scene. Law enforcement is perplexed because they didn’t think you could smoke a salmon, let alone get it lit.
  12. Agatha Christie served-up a delicately layered mystery about a power hungry family titled “A Sinful Helping of Filial Piety” – The story has many flavors to it including Apple and Blueberry Piety.
  13. “Triple Indemnity” – Identical to the classic “Double Indemnity” in every way except the indemnifications are adjusted for inflation. Ho-hum. This is an updated version only a bean counter could love.
  14. A Charlie Chan Mystery: “General Tsao Chicken is Missing…from the Menu.” When Chan investigates the good general’s disappearance, he solves the case by discovering Tsao was demoted to Colonel, and that diners were only willing to eat colonels if they were corn.
  15. Dashiell Hammett’s unpublished and impolitic tale of a mysterious speech impairment entitled: “Tham Thpade Tholves the Mythtery of Bogie’s Lisp.” It’s thuch a thilly thtory. Theriously.
  16. A Dunkin’ Donut Who-Done-It. These kind of mysteries are referred to in literary detective parlance, not as a whodunit, but as a whodonut. This newly discovered story asks the titled question – “Who Drowned Cinnamon Cruller?” Cinnamon had always been a little twisted. After all, she descended from a long line of cinnamon twists. But surely the young and curvy Cinnamon deserved a better fate then turning up half-eaten and coffee-logged on a crumby old plate, where her once beautifully braided body was now distorted and savagely illuminated by the eerie intermittent glow of Dunkin’ Donut’s strobing neon light. She was so young, having only been fried that morning, and now here she was, bloated, bitten and cast aside like a pellet from an owl’s gizzard. Ms. Cruller held such promise. Just 20 minutes ago she sat perky, puffy and wonderfully glazed in the incubating display case, hoping some nice family would make her the pick of the litter and take her home in a little pink box like a rescue donut. But no. It was not to be as ghoulish and vulgar things would be perpetrated against her deliciously flaky body. Who would do such an obscene thing to such a delicate and promising piece of pastry? Whodonut? A nearby cup of Joe was implicated in the drowning, but he had no motive. He was just unlucky enough to be a black…cup of Joe. The real culprit, we discover, was a regular customer named Henry Givins who explained, “It’s no big deal. I do this 3-4 times a week. I like dunking my crullers. Devouring a freshly made donut is not an issue for me because I don’t personify donuts like you all do. Y’know the song ‘These Boots are Made for Walkin?’ Well the same holds true for donuts, except these donuts are made for eating. And that’s just what I’ll do. My conscience is clear on the matter although sometimes my eyes glaze over.” Clearly Henry Givins had no misgivins about his actions. Critics have called this long lost story: The apotheosis of Gut Bomb Noir cinema at its Edward Hopper Nighthawks
  17. Colombo and the Case of “No More Things” – Astonishingly Peter Falk’s rumpled character solves a case without once having to resort to saying, “Aaaah, just one more thing sir.”
  18. Breakfast on the Orient Express – Murder is out and foodies are in, in this case of the missing 3-minute egg that’s solved in 2 minutes when Detective Poirot cracks both the case and the egg.
  19. Edgar Alan Poe’s “The Murders at the Rue Loony Bin”: A jealous lover kills 3 of his mistresses 6 personalities. It gets complicated when the 3 that survive admit they are still in love with the murderer and refuse to press charges. In a kangaroo court held in Australia, her defense attorney asks the charges be reduced from a single count of murder in the 1st, to a ½ count of murder in the 3rd since only 3 of the 6 personalities died. The judge throws out the case stating, “I was told there wouldn’t be math.”
  20. “Joe Mannix and the 35th Time He Gets Shot in the Same Spot of the Same Arm While Pursuing Washed-up Actors Whose Agents Can Only Get Them Special-Guest-Crook Appearances on TV Shows.” This long-winded title presents yet another case whereby good ole Joe brings a bad guy to justice, while being shot in the same spot, of the same arm, once again, for the 35th time in only 66 episodes. That is one resilient arm. When Joe’s faithful secretary Peggy (played by the lovely Gail Fisher) expresses concern for her boss’s health, and her utter amazement at both the frequency and location of the wound, Mannix modestly brushes off the injury and responds, as he always did, “I’m OK Peggy. Yeah, he winged me, but he’ll do time.”  

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Ben & Jerry’s 31 Flavors of Christianity

  1. Half Baked ice cream meets half baked ideas for a wholesome experience. This is highly productive inefficiency!

    Chunky Catholic – It’s filled with tempting bananas, tantalizing walnuts and overwhelming chunks of guilt. Eating it is actually a confessable sin.

  2. Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin
  3. Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
  4. Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
  5. Episcopal Popsicles – Ideal for the Frozen Chosen
  6. Black Walnut Ice Cream Matters – Always has
  7. Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
  8. Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
  9. Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in tongues.
  10. Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream
  11. Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
  12. Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
  13. Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix. Also comes with a racy calendar – if you’re into bonnets.
  14. Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream
  15. Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
  16. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
  17. Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a crunchy waffle shoe
  18. Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
  19. Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
  20. 21 Thru 32 Flavors are still in the experimental stage
  21. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
  22. Jehovah’s Moustache
  23. Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
  24. Seventh Day Adventist
  25. Third Trimester Adventist
  26. Second Semester Dentist
  27. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please write the words “Dan is a Primate” on my wall and then post a picture of yourself with a multi-armed aquatic rescue animal on your page during an even-numbered minute with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head” then I’ll continue to wish you happy birthday when Facebook reminds me.
  28. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears Oh My!
  29. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.

Alright, 19 full-fledged flavors and 7 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.