Posts Tagged ‘series’

1. The Butchelor – A meat cutter searches for romance amongst a pool of free-range carnivores. If the Butchelor is interested, he sends her a single long-stemmed short-rib. The Meat & Greets are fleshy affairs where competitors can get their pork-pulled or their chicken-jerked depending on whatever thrills your grill. It’s rare that a show in this medium, is so well-done.
2. Hogan’s Gyros – After the war Hogan and his heroes earn a fortune selling gyros. In a delicatessen spinoff, his brother returns from the Navy and opens a sub shop.
3. The original Broadway musical 7 Brides for 7 Brothers is reimagined in this Mormon TV version entitled 14 Brides for 7 Brothers. It’s double the fun. And it’s big’o me to say that.
4. The Vegelor – A bachelor vegetarian searches for romance amongst an assortment of hot tamales, sweet petunias and silky cheesecakes. But watch what you say in this Vegetable Garden of Eden, because one of the vegetarians may be a plant. The Beet & Greets allow us to get acquainted with this year’s crop. In keeping with the Garden of Eden theme, all the women’s girly parts are fig-leafed. In the final show, the Vegelor selects his prize vegetarian-ette by placing a blue ribbon on her melons and planting a big wet one right on her lips.

In The Golden Vegelor (a spinoff for older audiences), the produce is a little more puckered, so the entire show takes place in a crisper.

5. The School of Soft Knocks – 3 Trust Fund babies discover there are only 2 first class seats left on their flight to Aspen for a ski vacation. Odd man out, Reginald can’t cope with loss of privilege and goes berserk in coach, until he’s tased by an Air Marshal.
6. America’s Got Feces – Gastroenterologist Simon Colon hosts this outdoor paean to poopy where contestants must “go where no man has gone before” including outhouses, hollow tree stumps and port-a-pottys. I think the show really stinks and is a human waste of time.
7. Little House on Drew Carey – In this HGTV pioneer show, micro cabins are built on Drew Carey’s unoccupied body parts. They all sellout quickly because The Price Is Right.
8. M*O*I*S*H – A Jewish version of M*A*S*H where everything is the same except the mess tent is kosher. The breakfast special is usually “fakin’-n-eggs.” It served retail, but they can get it for you wholesale.
9. Who Wants to Be a Kidney Donor – So far the show has had no willing contestants. Those who have been shanghaied into donating are given free dialysis for life.
10. Homo, or No Homo – In this game show, a celebrity panel must use their intuitive gaydar, to determine if a contestant is straight or gay
11. Jewpardy – It’s a Hebrew version of Jeopardy. Better know your Torah from your Kabbalah otherwise you might end up wearing the dunce yarmulke.
12. Gilligan’s Clavicle – The Skipper’s little buddy disappears after going to the hospital to mend a broken collarbone. The hospital said it would be a 3-hour cure. A 3      hour     cure!
13. Perry Mason without Pants – New AI technology undercuts the authoritative arguments of Perry Mason by showing the humorless counselor parading around the courtroom in his boxers and sock garters. The whole premise wears thin until they do the same with his curvy secretary Della Street.
14. William Randolph Hearst Writes His Name in the Snow – To sell more newspapers, the egomaniac newspaper publisher tries to spark a war between Spain and the United States by writing saber-rattling messages in the snow. It’s Yellow Journalism at its worst.
15. Vern & Shirley – An updated reboot. This time Laverne is a transexual. Garry Marshall returns from the grave to direct.
16. Sign Felled – A show about municipal street sign repair featuring a kooky neighbor named Yield, an ex-girlfriend named Merge, a bald friend named George Costanza and a comic named Banksy. Try as the writers did to give the show some meaning, it’s really a show about nothing.
17. Naked and Unpaid – Hookers discuss getting stiffed by their Johns
18. DIY Colorectal Makeover – Membrane linings really pop in this mucousy look at real “interior” decorating. Gastroenterologist all agree, watching this show takes intestinal fortitude. Dr. Simon Colon really shines doing double duty in hosting this show and America’s Got Feces, although he says they’re both, “Sh*t jobs.”
19. My Cephalopod Has a Swell Head – An arrogant whale named Kanye thinks he’s “all that” till a kayak gets stuck in his blowhole. At one point he marries a whale with a really big tail – and that’s no fluke. Closed Captioning recommended since the whales speak only in sonar.
20. Simon & Simone – A reboot of Simon & Simon where Simon has “cut the cord” and is now Simone. Caitlyn Jenner runs the detective agency.
21. I Love Lipids – In this CGI generated reboot, a very chunky Lucy eats all the candy at the chocolate factory. Ricky, now ballooned to 330 lbs., loves her just the same, although he does say she has some, “Splainin’ to do.”
22. Money Laundering and Money Dry Cleaning – Available on the Criminally Tidy Network. The show gives the viewer a little too much information on methods of getting blood stains out of currency. In the pilot, Bruno’s unattended little daughter Sophie accidentally eats a Tide pod. Bruno takes his vengeance by putting a contract out on both Proctor & Gamble.
23. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program – After singing like canaries, stool pigeons must enter a witness protection aviary. What better place to blend in, than in a Jehovah community where everyone is already a witness.
24. Seventh Day Adventist Sing Eight Days a Week – Thrill to the cognitive dissonance when Seventh Day Adventists Caleb and Bathsheba try to sing Eight Days a Week. This show is a spinoff of The Fifth Dimension Plays 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
25. Third Trimester Adventist – Pregnant Adventists try to cope with an ever-darkening Linea Nigra late in their pregnancy.
26. Hi Gene – It’s the dirty story of a dirty man. One look at him will have you shouting, “Hygiene…for Christ’s sake.”
27. Obituaries of People Who Died a Timely Death – No untimely deaths in this punctilious show. This reality show celebrates the deaths of people who died an altogether proper and timely death, after a short and painless illness. Nobody lingers or has “good days and bad days.” Nope. Instead, your aged body becomes obsolete faster than tailfins on a Cadillac and then you’re off to see the wizard. This show has somehow managed to make death attractive and cool. Mortuary school applications are up 44%. The show is hosted by former Spice Girl, Hospice.
28. The Real Dental Hygienists of Orange County – The sexy underbelly of dentistry is penetrated as cavities are filled, implants are inserted and patients give their eye teeth for just a moment of ecstasy. Well-endowed hygienists get right in their patients faces for really close-up cleanings, and let them play motorboat in the cleavage of their scrubs. One watch of this steamy show and you’ll start to doubt whether enamel really is the hardest substance in the body.                                  Show Notes: A plaque on the wall shows plaque on the teeth. Hygienist Carrie discusses caries. The on-set Breath Mint Coordinator is a Greek named Halitosis. Disbelieving patients say their cavities are pulp fiction. The calculus is that this show is probably a bridge too far, although the rinse and spit scenes are truly cathartic. In S2 E3 there’s a mix-up at the office when Kyra goes in for a simple teeth bleaching and leaves with her anus white as a ghost.
29. 30 Minutes – A budget version of 60 Minutes. There may not be enough hours in the day, but there certainly aren’t enough minutes in 30 Minutes.
30. Talkin’ Studebakers and Mumbly Peg – You’d think these two wildly divergent topics would not be entertaining – one hasn’t been manufactured since 1966 and the other a stupid juvenile delinquent knife game – and you’d be right. But one has to remember it’s a spin-off of the wildly popular Vivisections of Jack Webb’s Pancreas. Hosted by Joe Rogan’s nephew, Bile.
31. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall Woodrow Wilson’s 14-Point Peace Plan with the comment, “I have always tried to wear pants,” then (and only then) can I call you my friend.
32. A Face Only a Prostitute Could Love – Boris Maliface did not get in line when they passed out good looks. He nonetheless parlays his facial misfortune into a highly successful radio career. And when people want their watches stopped, he is asked to look at them.
33. The Guy Who Keeps Saying, “Y’know 1820 wasn’t that long ago.” – A niche show for people on the spectrum (way on the spectrum) who delight in time banditry
34. Dance Like No One’s Watching – And no one was watching. But unfortunately, cameras were watching and we all get to see what a spaz you are. A cameo by Seinfeld’s Elaine character puts everyone at ease.
35. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My! – Austere religions go proselytizing in the land of Oz. A church lands on a wicked preacher and yada, yada, yada eventually they discover they were home the whole time.
36. A History of Back Up Lights – Before the advent of the telltale beep, beep, beep, this was the only way to know a vehicle was traveling backwards. Fittingly the show is run in reverse.
37. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians – Drier than a thousand desiccant packs, this is the kind of vanity show that is made when Moravian tycoon Uriah Jubilee dies and leaves his entire fortune to the Moravian AV Club.
38. No Really, Your Buck Teeth Make You Look Even Prettier – A scheming grifter tries to appeal to an heiress’s vanity. She’s on to him though. So she demands he form a friendship with singer Art Garfunkel. When he asks her why, the domineering heiress icily responds, “Simon says, form a friendship with Art Garfunkel.”
39. Vanilla Sex– A very mainstream show. People just can’t seem to get enough of Vanilla Sex. For example, at watch parties, traditional viewers watch the show in the missionary position. Passionless love scenes had the show’s Intimacy Coordinators encouraging the actors to be a little less Vanilla and little more Rocky Road.
40. If You’re Experiencing a Medical Emergency, Please Hang Up and Dial 911 – In this game show a panel of medical professionals must determine if a contestant is really sick, or just a Munchausen Syndrome addict seeking attention.
41. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms, Snickers really satisfies (yes, I’m starting to lose it here, not that the rest of this list is exactly cogent).

 

Thank You for your attention to this mostly humorous analgesic. If you didn’t experience temporary pain relief from life’s travails, please do not hesitate to return it all to Costco for a full refund.

 

 

 

 

Author’s Cut. Edited Out:

 

• Thinking Outside the Box: You’re Just in a Bigger Box Because You’re Still Thinking – Turns out thinking is limited and concepts aren’t where it’s at, and that boundless, ineffable experience is our natural state…sponsored by Nvidia
• Please Listen Carefully, As Some of Our Options Have Changed – Married for 45 years, hilarity ensues when Sadie shocks Milton with some of the new things she wants to do to spice-up their sex life. You’ll laugh till you plotz.

 

As a savvy and demanding public of cord cutters continues to fragment the entertainment industry, Netflix has attempted valiantly to reconnect these fragments with prestige shows featuring ever more obscure premises. For example my neighbor Sam is actually in contract with Netflix for a show called Guess What I had for Dinner Last Night? And although the shows thin premise will appeal to a demographic limited to the people in Sam’s immediate household, apparently Netflix’s business model has found a way to make it profitable. These are shows you’ll never see on network TV because, ummm, who sees network TV anymore. Well that and the gratuitous use of swear words.

As a man of serious leisure and humorous disposition, I’ve taken the time to catalogue and review this year’s offerings from Netflix so you may more productively spend your hard-earned discretionary time. Incidentally, if Netflix finds this presentation entertaining, they say they’ll finance a series called It’s Fun to Play Make Believe Featuring David Hardiman and His Imaginary Friends.     

And so it is with lightly-bridled joy and many grains of salt I take great pleasure in presenting my review of new Netflix series.   

 

I Married an Eggplant

After matrimonial laws are changed in Massachusetts, vegetarian Trudy Lessing marries a very special eggplant from her secret garden. All is not well however in the Garden of Trudy when Roger (the eggplant) develops second thoughts about their marriage when he discovers Trudy is a vegetarian and is eating all his brothers and sisters. In an effort to improve their relationship Trudy becomes a strict carnivore, but then runs afoul of her militant PETA friends. It’s just one thing after another as no good deed goes unpunished in this odd couple romance. In Season 2 Episode 8 Trudy discovers Roger spooning with a curvy cucumber which leads to a very awkward threesome. In the season finale the Animal and Plant Kingdom become one when Trudy gives birth to a well-adjusted baby “egg man.” And when a teary-eyed Roger first holds his little sprig of joy he sings, “You are the egg man, goo goo g’joob.”       Read the rest of this entry »