Posts Tagged ‘animal’

Least Practical Service Animals

  1. I have a sponge on my head …and I’m happy to see you.

    Service Mermaid – Upside: They always laugh when you say, “There’s something fishy about you.” Downside: They tend to flop around a lot on the couch.

  2. Service Beaver – Be careful. There are 2 kinds. One has a much sought-after pelt, and the other one builds dams.
  3. Service Psoriasis – At first you’ll resist them. But eventually they’ll get under your skin.
  4. Service Giraffe – It’s true they can adjust a roof antenna, but you need a scissors jack just to put a collar on them
  5. Service E. coli – Problem is, you bring one home and an hour later you’ve got 10 million mouths to feed. And PetSmart charges a fortune for a bag of E. Coli Chow. And don’t forget E. Coli Puppy Chow (till he’s full grown).
  6. Service Grinch – ♫He’s a mean one. Service Grinch. He’s got garlic in his soul. He’s as cuddly as a cactus. He will find new ways to tax us. Service GRRRRinch! ♫
  7. Service Dogs Named Pavlov – They’re very well-trained but they have one drawback – they drool all over the floor
  8. Service Hyena – Upside: They’ll laugh at anything. Downside: If the least bit hungry, they’ll often rip out their owner’s carotid artery.
  9. Service Monkey – Although a sympathetic primate, they tend to throw feces at inappropriate moments. Not that there’s an appropriate moment to throw feces, but you get the point.
  10. Service Dust Bunny – Upside: Low maintenance. Downside: One sneeze and it’s $900 down the drain.
  11. Service Gnats – A word of caution: They’re not much in the way of comfort and they usually vanish by getting accidentally inhaled

What Distinguishes Man from Beast? – It’s Laughter.

~ Sharing laughter with someone is a very intimate experience. But with benefits. The benefit being you don’t have to call them the next day. It’s only laughter. You shared a joke, not a membrane. ~

~Robin Williams~


Who needs words? I’ve got laughter.

I had gone to the pool simply to enjoy the gravity-defying magic of our buoyant friend water. I anticipated my usual routine: swim for a bit then imagine the pool drained of water while I floated in space, insensible to the gravity of my situation. I hoped to make this body of water not so much a sensory deprivation tank as a sensory augmentation tank. In other words I was crafting an out-of-body experience on the cheap. You see, it’s still fun to play make-believe – even at 60.


An Unbidden Epiphany

While I pursued this ersatz meditative experience, little did I expect the epiphany that would soon visit me. No one expects an epiphany. You can’t. That’s why they’re epiphanies. They’re designed to materialize without warning – kind of like my Uncle Leo. Epiphanies are unscheduled wormholes to understanding that don’t telegraph their presence – they shower it on you like a coach’s Gatorade bath. And it is this aforementioned unexpected insight which prompts this essay.


The Epiphany

I began my watery meditation ritual by laying out my towel on the chaise and trying to put my iPhone down so I could read my book which, in 3 weeks of lugging it to the pool, I managed to get past the Table of Contents and deep into the Introduction. As I finished my 4th game of online solitaire, a young couple with a baby entered the pool area and took up residence at the far end amidst a menagerie of water wings, beach towels and mini-coolers. They settled in, set up shop and the daddy lovingly introduced his baby girl to the wonders of liquid water. As the attentive father began dipping the legs of daddy’s little chicken pot pie (his words not mine) into the water, the tiny girl squealed in sheer delight. Each dip was a little deeper and more revelatory than the previous. And each squeal was now followed-up by cloud bursts of thunderous little baby giggles. She was experiencing indescribable joy.


I would’ve gladly traded places with her if only society didn’t frown on a 56-year old man squealing in delight while being dipped in the water by a guy half his age sporting an Eminem tattoo. As I bore witness to the little chicken pot pie’s celebratory peals of laughter, I experienced an epiphany: that this humorous faculty the baby girl so uninhibitedly demonstrated is what separates us from the animals. We’re the only specie that laughs. Read the rest of this entry »

Suicide Balloon Animal Self-Detonates in Crowded Menagerie

Balloon animal explodes, terrorizing Quincy Market. Creator says it's all a misunderstanding.

Balloon animal goes boom at Quincy Market. Random event or part of a greater menace?

2 Horseys Missing and Presumed Popped

Giraffe’s Lost Limbs Quickly Reattached

Little Brittany in Tears


Boston 5/4/13 – A self-radicalized balloon animal blew himself up at Quincy Market on Saturday, causing a millisecond of panic amongst bomb-sensitive Bostonians who collectively flinched at the report of a piercing thunderclap emitted by the suicide ballooner. The 2 foot long dachshund took with him 2 multi-colored horseys as well as briefly popping off the gangly legs of a nearby Shi’ite giraffe. The giraffe was quickly repaired and released into the protective custody of Sara Shanahan whose father paid $5 for the privilege. Read the rest of this entry »