Posts Tagged ‘service’

Least Practical Service Animals

  1. I have a sponge on my head …and I’m happy to see you.

    Service Mermaid – Upside: They always laugh when you say, “There’s something fishy about you.” Downside: They tend to flop around a lot on the couch.

  2. Service Beaver – Be careful. There are 2 kinds. One has a much sought-after pelt, and the other one builds dams.
  3. Service Psoriasis – At first you’ll resist them. But eventually they’ll get under your skin.
  4. Service Giraffe – It’s true they can adjust a roof antenna, but you need a scissors jack just to put a collar on them
  5. Service E. coli – Problem is, you bring one home and an hour later you’ve got 10 million mouths to feed. And PetSmart charges a fortune for a bag of E. Coli Chow. And don’t forget E. Coli Puppy Chow (till he’s full grown).
  6. Service Grinch – ♫He’s a mean one. Service Grinch. He’s got garlic in his soul. He’s as cuddly as a cactus. He will find new ways to tax us. Service GRRRRinch! ♫
  7. Service Dogs Named Pavlov – They’re very well-trained but they have one drawback – they drool all over the floor
  8. Service Hyena – Upside: They’ll laugh at anything. Downside: If the least bit hungry, they’ll often rip out their owner’s carotid artery.
  9. Service Monkey – Although a sympathetic primate, they tend to throw feces at inappropriate moments. Not that there’s an appropriate moment to throw feces, but you get the point.
  10. Service Dust Bunny – Upside: Low maintenance. Downside: One sneeze and it’s $900 down the drain.
  11. Service Gnats – A word of caution: They’re not much in the way of comfort and they usually vanish by getting accidentally inhaled

The Dog Days of Summer…and Winter and Spring and Fall

(First paragraph to be read in a disbelieving Jerry Seinfeld voice) What’s the deal with dogs? They’re not family pets anymore. They’re more like cultural accessories their owners wear like Fitbits or tattoos. Except these tattoos bark, pee and hump. People have a right to self-expression, but couldn’t they express themselves without sniffing my crotch – and from behind while I’m in a checkout line. I mean who’s checking out who here? I don’t think the 2nd Amendment says anything about the right to bear dogs.

We Hold These Truths to be Self-evident

This should raise a few eyebrows. Humans have moved down a notch on the food chain. Increasingly sophisticated dogs are beginning to rule.

We all understand that dogs are man’s best friend. They’re loyal, companionable and mercifully uncomplicated. Their presence reminds us of who we’d all like to be – in the moment and unaware of consequences. Their job is to sit around and wait for our next great idea. And talk about exuding unconditional love – dogs do that in spades (and sometimes other suits). Dogs are playing with a full deck. Who isn’t enriched by the boundless enthusiasm for life dogs so heartily radiate? But there is such thing as too much of a good thing. And based on my sampling, I think we’ve reached that tipping point.

August 26th has been set aside as National Dog Day. Now every dog truly does have its day. We’ve grown too dog-centric. Dogs belong at home or at a dog park or in a car anxiously looking out the window, believing they’ve been abandoned again, for the 437th time. You’d think by the 436th time they’d get it. Dogs don’t have to be seamlessly incorporated into the lifestyle of their owner, but they permeate everything now – like bad cologne. Isn’t going bye-bye enough for these canines. Do they have to be in the delivery room too? – “Breathe honey. It’s going to be OK. Now come over here Daisy girl and lick mommy’s face. Oh, this will make an epic Instagram post.” Read the rest of this entry »