2 Horseys Missing and Presumed Popped
Giraffe’s Lost Limbs Quickly Reattached
Little Brittany in Tears
Boston 5/4/13 – A self-radicalized balloon animal blew himself up at Quincy Market on Saturday, causing a millisecond of panic amongst bomb-sensitive Bostonians who collectively flinched at the report of a piercing thunderclap emitted by the suicide ballooner. The 2 foot long dachshund took with him 2 multi-colored horseys as well as briefly popping off the gangly legs of a nearby Shi’ite giraffe. The giraffe was quickly repaired and released into the protective custody of Sara Shanahan whose father paid $5 for the privilege.
Balloonland Security officials could find no motivation for the act, although they said the investigation was still in the early stages and clean up would take at least another 4 minutes. What is known is that the balloon animal was a disgruntled dachshund that went by the name of Al Ka-Blooey and was born about 3 minutes before his infamous act. Special Agent Don Colbert of the Boston Balloonland Security Office who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “This sinister activity is difficult to accept because, according to his fellow stable mates, in the 3 minutes of his existence he’d been a model balloon animal. This is the sort of behavior you’d expect out of a balloon weasel, who’s technique is to just benignly sit around and lull you into a false sense of security and then – pop goes the weasel. We will drain the swamp to discover the perpetrator’s handlers.”
Geppetto, owner/operator of Geppetto’s Balloon Animal Solutions, said this thing happens all the time and complained his booth was being unfairly singled out by authorities. Geppetto (whose real name is also Geppetto) was surprised at the attention focused on his station. “They’re balloon animals,” he said in an unidentifiably thick accent from some place where dentistry is unknown. “Sometimes they just pop. Look at that invisible dog leash booth over there and that human statue dressed like Paul Revere. They put nothing at risk, but I create things for the children and now they’re calling me an enemy combatant. They say they might need to interrogate me at Guantanamo Bay. I don’t need this. I can go back to monkey grinding.”
Balloon animal psychologist Dr. Kelly DeForrest, who spoke only on condition we publicize her name and advertise her practice said, “Although this was an atypical event. It is not without precedent. Sometimes these creatures explode due to the rough handling they receive at the hands of unruly children; or as it’s more commonly referred to: Shaken Balloon Animal Syndrome.” Dr. DeForrest, who considers herself more a balloon animal whisperer than anything else, explained the sequence of events in the life of a healthy balloon animal. “The normal maturation process of a balloon animal begins when a larval stage pufferbaby starts self-identifying with other balloon animals and then grows from a proto-dirigible into a full-fledged zepplinaut and finally to an adult balloon animal who brings minutes of bloated joy to wide-eyed youngsters. In the case of Al Ka-Blooey, the calculus changed. It seems after Gepetto blew life into him, he developed an inflated view of himself. And when his expectations of becoming a cruise ship captain were dashed, he literally self-destructed. He knew early on – probably within the first 30 seconds of his existence – that being a skeletally-challenged balloon animal, he’d never be given the opportunity to develop the skill set necessary for captaining a cruise ship.”
She went on. Oh she went on alright, “It’s tough for these creatures. Not only do they lack a skeleton, they’re also very thin-skinned and consequently unable to absorb any criticism. I could divine more insights for you, but I’d have to spend more quiet time communing with his smithereens.”
Others thought Al Ka-Blooey’s motivation was differently sourced. “Right from the start you could see he’d be trouble” said Fifi a slowly deflating French Poodle. “I think Geppetto stretched him out too much prior to inflating him. It took almost 3 lungsful of his notorious garlic breath to fill Al Ka-Blooey and Geppetto had just polished off a heavily seasoned gyro from Dmitri’s Gyro Solutions stand. Not that Geppetto’s regular breath is any bonus either. It was like a cloud of garlic raining down on Quincy Market. With this lethal combination of in utero stretching and cumulo-nimbus garlic breath, Al Ka-Blooey just couldn’t handle the stress and decided to take his own life. Yes the collateral damage was unfortunate, especially Sea Biscuit and Black Beauty, but when you’re in this line of work you know spontaneous combustion is only a pin prick away. And don’t forget; Al was thin-skinned to begin with.”
Five year old Brittany Huggins of Sussex was reduced to tears by the incident and shared her feelings with a Quincy Market Balloon Animal Grief Counselor: sobbing “We just came over from the Face Painting Solutions booth. That’s when I saw him. He was so cute. Then I pointed at him and he went ka-blooey and just wasn’t there anymore. Waaa. Waaa.”
Cruella, a snarky black widow balloon spider was more pointed in her comments, “Oh like the rest of them, he was just trying to impress Marie Osmond.”
As you might expect, Queen Beatrix, who was fashioned into the shape of a balloon tiara commented, “We are not amused.”
According to his half-brother Luther (they briefly shared the same tail) Al Ka-Blooey had always wanted to be a horsey. “Yeah. He wanted to be a horsey but somehow his life got all twisted around and the next thing you know we’re both wiener dogs. Heck we all want to be the horsey. Who wouldn’t? It’s like Monopoly. Everybody wants to be the race car. But Geppetto, he’s got a business to run. He’s got to diversify. We know that. As far as religion goes my brother Al didn’t know a Sunni from a Shi’ite. In fact I think he was Lutheran like me. Of course that’s a question between him and his maker, whom I believe was Shenyang Fun Toy of Shanghai.” Forensic balloon DNA evidence of the various body smithereens seemed to confirm Luther’s accounts.
Geppetto, who was fitted with an ankle bracelet and told not to leave his tenement, believes Al Ka-Blooey is in wiener balloon dog heaven now with 77 virgin wiener balloon dogs. It remains to be seen if this is a reward or a punishment. Balloonland Security special agent Don Colbert, who now spoke on condition of celebrity, assured market goers, “This is an isolated incident and nothing like the sleeper cell of self-aware hand puppets that terrorized the Cedar Rapids Harvest Festival in 2011.”
Six minutes after the event things had gotten back to normal at Quincy Market. Within an hour some hastily made commemorative t-shirts appeared at the T-Shirt Solutions booth reading “Boston 5/4/13. Freedom is not dumb.”