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You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…

  1. ABBA, IKEA, SAAB – It’s all Swedish to me.

    Foamed a runway

  2. Played Liars Poker with George Santos
  3. Foamed Katy Perry
  4. Heard a Latin Pig grunt in Pig Latin, “nkoi-a, nkoi-a”
  5. Misspelled ABBA: AHBBHA
  6. Seeded a cloud with loose change just to watch it rain pennies from heaven
  7. Visit Michealangelo’s sculpture studio to see all the people he got stoned
  8. Gazed adoringly into your lover’s yearning eyes and breathlessly uttered, “Darling, my generals are writing checks, only your privates can cash”
  9. Looked into a mirror and seen the back of your head
  10. Removed (or implanted) an IUD in an elephant – hopefully a female elephant
  11. Foamed a latte, then swirled a portrait of Mike Pence onto it

 

And one more dastardly one that should never have crossed my mind:

  • You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…Had your girlfriend pooh-pooh any talk of anal sex

“Memory Foam” Mattress Memorizes More than Contours

Memory Foam always makes a great first impression, but sometimes it absorbs a little more than you bargained for.  

I always knew my memory foam mattress would have a memory; what I didn’t realize is that it would have a consciousness too.

It was time for a new mattress. The old one had taken on the characteristics of its owner and had also begun to sag in the middle. It was spent from being flipped and rotated 9 ways from Sunday – the mattress and not the owner. The battered cushion had accumulated a decade’s worth of stains making it look like a bad tattoo that was slowly dissolving. So, the wife unit and I (wife unit being an old British colonial measurement of a female helpmate) visited The Illusion of a Bargain mattress store conveniently located at www.HappyMattress.com. Happy Mattress was a Chinese conglomerate affiliated with Sparkle Cleaners and Tasty Restaurant. BTW, be prepared for images unrelated to mattresses if you Google “happy” and “mattress.”

 

Because we didn’t care much for soft mattresses, we opted for a firm California King instead of a forgiving Martin Luther King. And because our bed was delivered during National Mattress Awareness Month (another Hallmark holiday I guess), they threw in some contour sheets and shams. I was beginning to believe the entire transaction was a sham until I laid down on the mattress. Holy Back-to-the-Womb Batman: it was like mother nature was caressing me in her arms.  Read the rest of this entry »