Posts Tagged ‘urn’
Please Consider this Exciting and Eerie Career Featuring Killer Benefits and Lethal Clichés
- Urn while you Burn
- Watch while your best work goes up in smoke
- Compliant cadavers are never a pain in the ash
- Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
- Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people all the time.
- As a frontline Cinder Chef, you’ll have a platform for making inappropriate jokes to bereaved families:
- Well, the good news is that Gladys now has a smokin’ hot body
- Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
- I’m sure Rupert will always carry a torch for you
- His ashes? Oh, that cremains to be seen
- Recognition? Retirees are eligible for the CHF (Crematorium Hall of Flame)
- Learn more by watching the Discovery series: Deadliest Match. Or the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-ins and Corpses
- COVID Compliance? Now offering No Contact Drive-thru Incineration
Note to Applicants: We’re pleased to announce that business is dead. So much so that we are looking for self-starters to consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. Think of it as a different kind of Tinder. Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled. We look forward to hearing from you. We’ll keep a candle for you, burning in the oven.
I think it’s always preferable to die of natural causes. Unnatural causes are so unhealthy and dying of supernatural causes is so Hollywood. Anyway I died of natural causes – too much bacon grease in the blood – and I’m here to give a quick report from the other side. I expired in the early morning hours of Saturday March 14th just missing the unlucky Friday the 13th by only a few hours – dodged that one. The non-alarmist hospital conveyed my expiration with subtle understatement by gently explaining to my wife Loretta, “It appears your husband has embarked on a nap from which there is no awakening.” Read the rest of this entry »