Cremation: The Undertaking of a Lifetime

Cremation: The Undertaking of a Lifetime

Please Consider this Exciting and Eerie Career Featuring Killer Benefits and Lethal Clichés  

  • Urn while you Burn
  • Watch while your best work goes up in smoke
  • Compliant cadavers are never a pain in the ash
  • Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
  • Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people all the time.
  • As a frontline Cinder Chef, you’ll have a platform for making inappropriate jokes to bereaved families:
    1. Well, the good news is that Gladys now has a smokin’ hot body
    2. Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
    3. I’m sure Rupert will always carry a torch for you
    4. His ashes? Oh, that cremains to be seen

      This crematorium will ensure your final journey is well urned.

  • Recognition? Retirees are eligible for the CHF (Crematorium Hall of Flame)
  • Learn more by watching the Discovery series: Deadliest Match. Or the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-ins and Corpses
  • COVID Compliance? Now offering No Contact Drive-thru Incineration

 

Note to Applicants: We’re pleased to announce that business is dead. So much so that we are looking for self-starters to consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. Think of it as a different kind of Tinder. Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled. We look forward to hearing from you. We’ll keep a candle for you, burning in the oven.

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