Archives

Posts Tagged ‘crematorium’

Become a Crematorium Operator. It’s the Undertaking of a Lifetime.

If you have a burning desire to relieve the anguish of bereaved families, consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. If you value hefty profits, nifty puns and lethal clichés explore a career where your goal is to fire people every day.

These days crematoriums are hip and cool-ish for the ghoulish who wish to perish anguish.  

Crematorium Franchise Bullet Points

  • Experience the job satisfaction of watching your best work go up in smoke
  • Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
  • Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people regularly.
  • Urn while you Burn
  • Enjoy killer benefits and clients with smokin’ hot bodies 
  • Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
  • Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled

Crematoriums – They’re the toast of the town.

 

Consider the Crematorium Franchise that’s Your Best Match

 

  1. Return to Cinder – Is there a better way to say, “Elvis has left the building?” Than to say ♫Return to Cinder♫
  2. Bereaved, Bothered and Bewildered – Helps families to grieve against a backdrop of Cole Porter music. Reviewers say ♫It’s De-Lovely, It’s De-lightful♫
  3. Dust in the Wind Crematorium – Very popular in Kansas
  4. Good Humor Ice Crematorium – Maybe it’s in bad humor, but the cone-shaped urns are available in waffle or wafer
  5. Burning Man – Go out in a blaze of artistic self-expression in this final bonfire of the vanities. Ensure your funeral rite doesn’t go wrong by designing your own signifying pyre.
  6. Next of Kin-dling – Popular with kinfolk in Appalachia
  7. Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell – Have yourself anonymously cremated. What happens at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell, stays at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell.
  8. Char Ming – Dynastic Chinese families crematorium of choice. Cremains returned in a little to-go urn.
  9. Cremains of the Day – Designed to meet the funerary needs of literary aficionados
  10. Blackened Blue Fish – Designed to meet the funerary needs of fish afishionados who’ve lost a tropical pet fish
  11. The Uranus Society – Competes with the more established Neptune Society. As one might expect, the Uranus Society is a pain in the ash.

 

Don’t delay. Your future cremains to be seen.

If you’ve been carrying a torch for crematoriums, rekindle that old flame with a hot, new franchise. Again, in the words of Elvis: Crematoriums are Just a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love

Cremation: Think of it as a different kind of Tinder

We look forward to hearing from you (even though we haven’t mentioned how to get in touch with us).

We’ll keep a candle burning for you in the window.

Cremation: The Undertaking of a Lifetime

Please Consider this Exciting and Eerie Career Featuring Killer Benefits and Lethal Clichés  

  • Urn while you Burn
  • Watch while your best work goes up in smoke
  • Compliant cadavers are never a pain in the ash
  • Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
  • Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people all the time.
  • As a frontline Cinder Chef, you’ll have a platform for making inappropriate jokes to bereaved families:
    1. Well, the good news is that Gladys now has a smokin’ hot body
    2. Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
    3. I’m sure Rupert will always carry a torch for you
    4. His ashes? Oh, that cremains to be seen

      This crematorium will ensure your final journey is well urned.

  • Recognition? Retirees are eligible for the CHF (Crematorium Hall of Flame)
  • Learn more by watching the Discovery series: Deadliest Match. Or the Food Network’s Diners, Drive-ins and Corpses
  • COVID Compliance? Now offering No Contact Drive-thru Incineration

 

Note to Applicants: We’re pleased to announce that business is dead. So much so that we are looking for self-starters to consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. Think of it as a different kind of Tinder. Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled. We look forward to hearing from you. We’ll keep a candle for you, burning in the oven.