Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
2. My middle name is Bathsheba
3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV

The advent of Competitive Eating, where cuckoo contestants see how many hot dogs, pies or pancakes they can cram into their gizzards, has ushered in a new era of other dubious sporting events; usually sponsored by greedily aligned corporations and gaudily presented by ESPN 16 – a channel reserved for just such idiocy. I’ve taken the liberty of curating them for you and offer the following list of these supposed sports:

 

1. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – Chowboy Joey Chestnut won his 16^th hot dog eating championship despite suffering from pink eye. It had no effect on his performance, promoters just wanted to add drama to Mr. Chestnut’s insane scarfing of 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (true). In this one contest, nutritionist believe he consumed the equivalent of a 4-lifetime supply of animal lips. Sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
2. Naked and Catheterized – Naked contestants must conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro while holding their urine bag. First to the top is treated to all the hot dogs they can eat…in 10 minutes. If you like this sport, urine luck. I meant to say, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
3. Rolling in Attic Insulation – Sure it itches, but contestants can make 10 American dollars a day by sleeping in Johns-Manville’s prickly, pink insulation – if they can make it to 10 days. This sport may contribute to Pink Eye, as well as pink every place else.
4. Paula Deen’s Fried Cakes Murder Mystery “A Who-Donut!” – Contestants have to find who’s been killing all the donuts on her plantation. Whoever unmasks the evil dough-nutter is released from involuntary servitude. Sponsored by Hostess Indentured Services.
5. Solitaire Lollapalooza – All solitaire games are played by yourself in isolated and remote Zoom meetings. Most avatars are Eleanor Rigby, Henry David Thoreau or a Black Dog. The winner is shunned worse than an Amish heretic. Sponsored by Zoloft.
6. How Bald Can My Tires Get? – Car owners see if they can drive on just the steel belts. Sponsored by Rogaine.
7. Sentenced to the Crawl Space – Disturbed contestants see how long they can go over to the dark side in a creepy subterranean crypt of silverfish, spiders and scorpions. Sponsored by no one. Larry David says it’s, “Not a thing. And will never be a thing.”
8. How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet – Shouldn’t be “a thing” but it is. Homeowners risk the dreaded overflow, in a race to unseat their neighbors. Sponsored by Hoover Wet/Dry Vacuums.
9. I Can Eat Just Oatmeal for 2 Weeks – Open only to those who, on the advice of their physician, are complete idiots. It’s a rough sport. In fact, it’s the roughage of sports. Not recommended for people competing in How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet. Sponsored by Quaker Groats.
10. Eating Food 2 Months After Its Expiration Date – Lots of Risk with absolutely no Reward. Sponsored by the movie Jack-Ass 8.
11. How Much Salt Water Can I Drink Before My Kidneys Fail – Good to know in case you’re ever shipwrecked. Sponsored by Dialysis Solutions.
12. Let’s Become Siamese Twins – “Volunteers” gather at a safe, public space then are herded into vans and taken to a secondary location where they submit to being conjoined with people who lost on Paula Deen’s Fried Cake Murder Mysteries “A Who-Donut!” Sponsored by the movie Twins II.

If a letter makes it to your mailbox with any of the following phrases, acronyms or hieroglyphs on it, you may send this JUNK straight to recycle:

1. ECRLOT – ECRLOT stands for Enhanced Carrier Route Line Of Travel. This is an internal code used by the USPS and designates a discounted postal rate for junk mailers. Although if you’re interested in “commemorative” orangutan plates from the Kingdom of Siam, maybe this letter is for you.
2. Electronic Service Requested – Junk mailer wants this vital mail forwarded to the correct person. Screw them and the air mail they flew in on.
3. Time Sensitive Material Enclosed – Junk mailer is attempting to promote a sense of urgency in marketing Urology Today’s new streaming service
4. Hand Deliver Only – All mail is hand delivered (unless it’s email). It’s part of the job. Don’t bother with this method, unless you’d prefer a hand job.
5. Whoever knowingly and willfully obstructs or retards the passage of the mail shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both. (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat.) – This is supposed to legitimize and imbue the mailer with the imprimatur of authority by quoting a 75-year-old statute. Toss it.
6. You Poor, Dumb Sap. You Need to Buy this Crap We’re Selling – Points for honesty, but chances are you don’t need the elbow deodorant they’re peddling.
7. Doctors Without Bladders Fundraising Drive – Borders yes, bladders no.
8. From the Desk of Kanye West – Ye are not amused. Can it.
9. These Bible Foods Will Double Your Lifespan – Double your waistline maybe. Cast this mailer out into the darkness.
10. Resident, Occupant or Felon – Wouldn’t bother opening it. Of course if you are a felon, it might be of interest. Just sayin’.

1. What do you call fake Vietnamese soup? – Faux Pho
2. What do you call fake witchcraft? – Bogus Hocus-Pocus
3. Which craft is the source of sorcery? – Witchcraft
4. What do you call fake cold cuts? – Phony Bologna
5. What do you call silly chatter on a cell call? – Phone-y Baloney
6. What do you call the distance from the sun to the earth? – 1 Astronomical Unit (Not all of these are supposed to be funny folks)
7. When does a thing become a thing? – When Larry David says so
8. If Larry David was dyslexic, would he be David Larry? – Bropably
9. What would happen if everyone was named Otto? – Otto know.
10. Is it extra difficult for claustrophobic gay people to be closeted? – Otto know.

 

And finally, this Pee Wee Herman quote sums it all up:

“There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand.”

1. The sound of a hummingbird that can’t quite find the tune
2. Gentle rain falling on a corpse (Once they tell you that, you can’t get it out of your head)
3. William Shatner singing the Beatles “Why………Don’t-We-Do-It-in-the-Road”
4. A recorded loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu items have changed.”
   

   Q. What’s your favorite color noise?
   A. White.

5. Another recorded loop of “No, YOU listen carefully. Nobody in their right mind had any of your stupid menu items memorized in the first place.”
6. The sound of watermelons dropped from the Leaning Tower of Pisa
7. A recording of the men’s bathroom stalls at Taco Bell after a biker rally
8. Repeated sound of a cat scrambling to escape a bathtub with only 2 inches of water in it
9. A symphony of leaf blowers playing “YMCA”

Maybe this list should be retitled: Annoying Sounds Keeping Me Up at Night

 

Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.

1. Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?

          A volcano chaser.

2. What goes well with a shot of lava?

          A volcano chaser.

3. The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
4. Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
5. Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
6. Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
7. Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
8. Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
9. Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
10. Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”

11. Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
12. I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”

         How did they know?

 

Addendumb

1. My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
2. News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
3. Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
4. I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.

1. The Extra Virgin Virgin – If Olive Oil Can be Extra Virgin, Why Can’t People Too?
2. I Love Talking on the Phone to My Mother: And Other Lies
3. Moby Richard: The Politically Correct Version of Moby Dick
4. If You Won’t Trust Me with Your Emu, How Can I Trust You with My Ostrich?
5. Madame Ovary…. Flaubert’s masterpiece (Madame Bovary) reimagined against a backdrop of menstruation
6. The Ileum: Homer’s Reworked Epic Poem Takes a Heroic Journey Through His Digestive Tract
7. Seriously, Is There Anybody Out There Who is Not on the Spectrum?
8. Falling in Love with Your Type Face: Fonts I Have Cherished
9. 

   Feeling bookish and bike-ish.

   Hamlet and Eggs: Dr. Seuss Meets Shakespeare

10. A Thrower in the Oats…. The less successful sequel to A Catcher in the Rye
11. Sorry Earthlings, I’m Just Not that Evolved Yet: A Young Soul Apologizes for Being So Unenlightened F*cking Stupid
12. How to Win Friends and Influence Cannibals
13. Pretty, Pretty Good Expectations…. by Larry David not Charles Dickens
14. Tommy Quixote: Don’s Little Brother Tilts at Pinball
15. Can’t Count on Kant: Stories about Immanuel Kant’s Unreliability (May have inspired Better Call Saul)
16. Catch-99 Luftballons… Even Joseph Heller can’t resist Nena’s “catchy” German song
17. The Invisible Man…. I don’t see myself reading it
18. Blades of Leaves…. Whitman’s follow-up to his Leaves of Grass
19. The Miserables…. American version of Les Misérables
20. The Very, Very Good Gatsby.… The lesser-known prequel to The Great Gatsby
21. Sorry, I Thought it was a Drinking Fountain: And Other Bidet Mistakes
22. The Poetry of Vlad the Impaler…. Such a misunderstood tyrant. The newly rehabilitated Impaler displays his rapier-like verse in pointed ways. The sensitive skewer-master evinces a piercing understanding of the human condition. A great read – why not take a stab at it?
23. The Greatest Stories Ever Whispered: Pillow Talk at its Juiciest
24. Someday It’ll be 50 years in the Future: Things I Said 50 Years Ago
25. We’re All Non-Binary. We’re Just Choosing to Be Binary.
26. Lit From the Inside: The Karin Hardiman Story (Best Book Ever – Still Being Written)

 

1. I’m so confused. The Temp Agency got me a permanent, parttime job at the Unemployment Office.
2. It is said that centuries ago when there were 2 Popes, they sometimes raced down the Nave to get to the pulpit first. Occasionally one Pope might cut off the other sparking a hellacious case of Pope Rage.
3. After taking way too many Southwest flights I tried to speak romantically to my wife. It didn’t go well: “I know you have choices when it comes to husbands and I really appreciate you flying David Hardiman. I was thinking maybe we could get my “tray table” in the upright and locked position before we take-off.”
4. Did you ever iron your money when giving it as a gift?    Yes, but just the change.  

5. I’m writing a new Vincent Van Gogh biography. It’s called “A Brush with Greatness.” I think you’ll find it kind of earry.
6. My proctologist says there’s a big difference between being involved in a morass and being involved in more ass. (Alright, that joke is not completely odorless. So sue me.)
7. Now you know. When a Sign Language Interpreter gets arthritis, they call it laryngitis.

1. What airport is Irish and hirsute…                                 O’Hair
2. What airport is the most boring and uninteresting…    Dullest
3. What airport is considered careless…                             Lax
4. What airport is careless and makes you poop…            Ex-Lax
5. Name a President you can land on…                               JFK
6. What airport has toffee candy bars lined-up…              Heathrow
7. Name an airport with a lot of nerve…                              Charles “De Gaulle” (the gall of that airport)
8. What do babies say when someone is leaving…             Dubai

I write this quiz on a layover in Frankfurt while grabbing a quick hamburg. I’m sorry, I meant to say I write this in Hamburg while grabbing a quick frankfurt. Anyway, they’re boarding my plane, so Dubai for now everybody.