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Posts Tagged ‘change’

Cleveland Indians to Change Name

Private email between Cleveland’s front office and Politically Correct Consultants LLC was intercepted and is presented below:

Dear Cleveland Indigenous Peoples’ Baseball Team,

As per our $2 million contract to provide you with a comprehensive list of appealing, yet inoffensive nicknames for the team, we’ve listed below prospective cognomens you should consider. And precisely because you’re paying us $2 million we used the word cognomens instead of the more appropriate word nicknames.

Before each nickname below, please say to yourself: “The Cleveland <insert nickname>”.

    1. Cuticles – Where all the games are nail biters
    2. Make the Indians Great Again – We know. It has the words “Indians” in it, but it’s appeal to a certain group is undeniable. We see MIGA hats everywhere.
    3. Eeries – The scary mistake by the lake
    4. COVIDS – We think it’s an infectious little nickname. Too soon? Let’s find out.
    5. Grovers – They hope to win 2 non-consecutive championships
    6. Plain Dealers – Sponsored by the local newspaper. BTW, a newspaper is that big papery thing with print on it.
    7. The Baseball Team Formerly Known as the Cleveland Indians – And we’ll use Prince’s symbol in place of “Indians”
    8. Savages – Not Indian savages. Just generic savages. Yeah that’s what we’ll tell’em.
    9. Ohioans – A stupid name, but if Houston can be the Texans, then why not the Cleveland Ohioans. Up next: The Red Sox become the Boston Massachusettsans
    10. Quid Pro Quos – Give as good as you get. For every run you score, you’ll surrender one in return.
    11. Indianans – Wrong state, but we could kinda sneak in the Native American flavor while maintaining plausible deniability
    12. Not-so-Cavaliers – They take things more seriously than their NBA brothers
    13. We Honor All Primates No Matter How Much More Advanced We Are Than They Are – A little wordy, but sure to receive the approbation of the Animal Kingdom

Should you have any questions or comments we’re available for video conferencing on ZOOM or CAUGHTMASTURBATING

All Seriousness Aside,

Politically Correct Consultants LLC

Fight the Power: Americans Against Unwelcomed Name Changes of Major Cities

Good Bye Chicken Kiev, Hello Fowl Kyiv?

Sign of the Times

If you’re like me (which I doubt very highly) you’ve noticed a slow-building and insidious trend in the renaming of major global cities. Cartographers are calling this syndrome Global Conforming. This sop to the signage industry began with the ancient city of Peking, which overnight in the 70’s became Beijing, thereby eliminating Peking Duck as my go-to Chinese restaurant order (Under no circumstances will I ever order Beijing Duck). Then Bombay, India decided it couldn’t deal with its pleasingly exotic name and renames itself Mumbai. Mumbai – which sounds like you’re trying to say “Monday” with a mouthful of Novocain. Not a good look India. Or a good sound either. So now Bombay Sapphire becomes Mumbai Sapphire? Nope. I’m not drinking that jungle juice.

 

As an American against the unwelcomed name changing of major cities or (AAUNCMC), I propose we turn back the fonts of time to the way things should be. And that brings me to Kiev, Ukraine. Kiev was a national capital when dinosaurs walked the Earth (not really, but you get the point). Why in tarnation, or in any nation, has Kiev suddenly (and without permission) become Kyiv? Really? So long Chicken Kiev. Hello Fowl Kyiv. Johnny Cougar back to John Mellencamp – that I get. But this politically correct urban renaming is done with all the clinical sterility of a Stepford wife doing laundry. To me these unilateral name changes should be called what they are: The Signage Industry Full Employment Act. Read the rest of this entry »