Indians | davidhardiman.com

Cleveland Indians to Change Name

December 13th, 2020 |

Private email between Cleveland’s front office and Politically Correct Consultants LLC was intercepted and is presented below:

Dear Cleveland Indigenous Peoples’ Baseball Team,

As per our $2 million contract to provide you with a comprehensive list of appealing, yet inoffensive nicknames for the team, we’ve listed below prospective cognomens you should consider. And precisely because you’re paying us $2 million we used the word cognomens instead of the more appropriate word nicknames.

Before each nickname below, please say to yourself: “The Cleveland <insert nickname>”.

1. Cuticles – Where all the games are nail biters
2. Make the Indians Great Again – We know. It has the words “Indians” in it, but it’s appeal to a certain group is undeniable. We see MIGA hats everywhere.
3. Eeries – The scary mistake by the lake
4. COVIDS – We think it’s an infectious little nickname. Too soon? Let’s find out.
5. Grovers – They hope to win 2 non-consecutive championships
6. Plain Dealers – Sponsored by the local newspaper. BTW, a newspaper is that big papery thing with print on it.
7. The Baseball Team Formerly Known as the Cleveland Indians – And we’ll use Prince’s symbol in place of “Indians”
8. Savages – Not Indian savages. Just generic savages. Yeah that’s what we’ll tell’em.
9. Ohioans – A stupid name, but if Houston can be the Texans, then why not the Cleveland Ohioans. Up next: The Red Sox become the Boston Massachusettsans
10. Quid Pro Quos – Give as good as you get. For every run you score, you’ll surrender one in return.
11. Indianans – Wrong state, but we could kinda sneak in the Native American flavor while maintaining plausible deniability
12. Not-so-Cavaliers – They take things more seriously than their NBA brothers
13. We Honor All Primates No Matter How Much More Advanced We Are Than They Are – A little wordy, but sure to receive the approbation of the Animal Kingdom