Mexican Cuisine ‘Splained

Mexican “cuisine” is one simple dish known by 34 different names. It’s some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a plate so hot it can melt the bones in your hand. Let me splain some more by analogizing this peasant fare to the Winter Olympics. Mexican cuisine is a lot like the Winter Olympics which purports to be a showcase of winter sports, but is really just an excuse to slide something (pucks, sleds, skates, skis and even rocks) on frozen water in 34 different ways. So just as the Winter Olympics is basically glorified sliding (wheeee!), Mexican food is a simply a glorified rearrangement of meat, beans and rice onto or into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a scorching plate so hot you’d think it had just been removed from the containment vessel of a nuclear reactor.

What’s in a Name

Yet another in the myriad ways of rearranging meat, beans and cheese in a tortilla – brilliant.

There are all sorts of designations of burritos. You’ve got your basic burrito, your super burrito (so big that illegal aliens have gotten across the border hidden inside one) and wet burritos (one hopes the wetness does not contain any human DNA). There are even transgendered burritos – where one is never sure which gender the burrito is currently identifying with, until you bite into it and then…Surprise!

There are tacos, taquitos (formerly called dwarf tacos) and tacolas (meat in a cane sugar Coca-Cola sauce). And if you don’t want your dish too spicy that’s no poblano.  

You’ve got your chimichangas, chilaquiles, ching-a-lingas and Chitty-Chitty Bang Bangs. There’s no end to the names for this simple farmer food. But know this: no matter what you order, you’re eating a rearrangement of the same thing – some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into or onto a tortilla and sprinkled with queso! You’re just sliding on frozen water while sitting on a tortilla.

All Nachos Are Created Equal

And of course there’s Nachos – just an unorganized pile of chips, beans, cheese and meat. I mean c’mon. They’re not even trying with this one. If you can make a mud pie, you can make nachos. And they come in a wide variety depending on how high and how deep you want it piled: There’s the Nacho Supreme. The Generalissimo Nacho, the Fine Corinthian Leather Nacho and of course the Nacho, Nacho Man. There are even Nacho Diploma Mills in Mexico where you can get a PHD in Nacho making – PHD: Piled Higher and Deeper. In addition to the diploma mills in Mexico, there’s also a Donna Mills in Hollywood whose starlet days have long since passed. But those eyes. Those Donna Mills eyes. She had 2 brothers you know. They were known as the Mills Brothers.


The People Want to Know

What’s the difference between a chalupa, a tostada and a gordita? Answer: about $1.20 at Taco Bell.  

When ordering Chile Relleno, always pronounce the 2 “l”s in Relleno – especially if you live in Reno.  

Did you know Enchiladas were the 14th iteration of the dish till they perfected it? Yup. There was the A chilada, the B chilada, the C chilada until they finally got it right with the N chilada.

Which reminds me of a politically incorrect joke you’ll not be offended by: What do they call Cinco de Mayo in China? – Chinko de Mayo.

Do you wave good bye to wavos rancheros, or do you huev good bye to huevos rancheros? Eggsellent question.

Let us not forget the lowly quesadilla. The grilled cheese of Mexican food. If you can get cheese to melt, you can make a quesadilla. There are 2 kinds of quesadillas: the regular one and the Special Needs Quesadilla. The Special Needs Quesadilla is when you smear a tortilla with Cheez Whiz and microwave it for 20 seconds.

OK there’s fajitas. Wow, they added onions and peppers to the usual suspects. How’d they ever come up with that? Fajitas come on an audibly sizzling plate that has only recently been warming in volcanic magma. Of course, with fajitas, some assembly is required. I mean you have to put the thing together yourself. Hmmm let’s see, what you do is put on your asbestos gloves, and shlopp your meat, beans and rice into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and serve. And just in queso you run out of queso, there’s cheese.  

Guacamole Is Extra…Funny

The best thing about Mexican food is that they’ve legitimized the word “guacamole.” It’s the only time you’re allowed to say “gwok” or “molay” without getting laughed at. If mashed avocados never existed and you said “gwokamolay” people would think you were a drunken caveman. Think about how many times you’ve been asked, “Would you like gwokamolay.” And you’ve said, “Yes. I want gwokamolay.” You’ve agreed to eat gwokamolay. Anyway I probably shouldn’t do edibles when I write this stuff…but gwokamolay…really?

Flan: An Unfinished Word

I’ll grant you it’s a fine Mexican dessert, but it should rhyme with “plan.” It doesn’t. It rhymes with Juan. Do you realize if Juan wasn’t feeling well he might look wan? I just don’t have a plan for flan? I do not like green eggs and flan. Let me splain, it should be plain that flan should be spelled flane, then it wouldn’t be such a pain.

Enjoy all the Mexican food you want, but remember: the plate may be muis caliente.



Comments are closed.