Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Ben & Jerry’s 31 Flavors of Christianity

  1. Half Baked ice cream meets half baked ideas for a wholesome experience. This is highly productive inefficiency!

    Chunky Catholic – It’s filled with tempting bananas, tantalizing walnuts and overwhelming chunks of guilt. Eating it is actually a confessable sin.

  2. Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin
  3. Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
  4. Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
  5. Episcopal Popsicles – Ideal for the Frozen Chosen
  6. Black Walnut Ice Cream Matters – Always has
  7. Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
  8. Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
  9. Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in tongues.
  10. Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream
  11. Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
  12. Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
  13. Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix. Also comes with a racy calendar – if you’re into bonnets.
  14. Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream
  15. Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
  16. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
  17. Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a crunchy waffle shoe
  18. Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
  19. Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
  20. 21 Thru 32 Flavors are still in the experimental stage
  21. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
  22. Jehovah’s Moustache
  23. Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
  24. Seventh Day Adventist
  25. Third Trimester Adventist
  26. Second Semester Dentist
  27. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please write the words “Dan is a Primate” on my wall and then post a picture of yourself with a multi-armed aquatic rescue animal on your page during an even-numbered minute with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head” then I’ll continue to wish you happy birthday when Facebook reminds me.
  28. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears Oh My!
  29. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.

Alright, 19 full-fledged flavors and 7 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.


Bulleted Notes on Things Kinda Religious

Ah swet bulet points. Creating the illusion of Ο Order Ο Harmony Ο Linear Perfection

Tidy little bullet points. Creating an illusion of:
Ο Order
Ο Harmony
Ο Linear Perfection



Ο     The sweet adage “Make love, not war” has been dismissed as an impractical pipe dream, but it does beg the question: Would we rather be at each other’s throats, or at each other’s gonads? And as I look around at my fellow man I think the answer is obvious. War it is!

Ο     It is often remarked by Culinary Anthropologists that some under-served populations do not have easy access to nutritious and affordable food. This condition is known as living in a food desert. For research-funding purposes however, this “condition” is sometimes rebranded as a “Food Desert Syndrome” – syndrome being a weighty term used by professors to in elevate “crappy grocery stores” to a social calamity so significant that they qualify for a National Science Foundation grant and can earn a 6-month sabbatical to study this self-created geography. Read the rest of this entry »

A Modest Proposal

Best seats in the house for free can't stem the tide of fan apathy. Above: The faithful showing up in drove for Sunday services.

Best Seats in the House for Free Can’t Stem the Tide of Fan Apathy. Above: The faithful showing up in drove for Sunday services. But wait! There’s hope.

Including the NFL, there are almost 1200 religions in the world. And except for the NFL, all are having difficulty filling their stadiums as disenchanted fans abandon their seats for more secular pursuits. Religions  are competing for an ever dwindling number of newcomers and are having a tough time with their sales pitch as potential recruits demand more than vague promises of security and rapture:

“The truth is ours,” says the Mennonite. And we immediately think, “Isn’t mennonite an element in the Periodic Table?”

“We desire nothing,” peaceably declares the Buddhist beautifully attracting us with their completion backwards principle.

“I am infallible.” The Pope decrees. And we immediately think, “That’s nice Mr. Pope, but I’m due back on the planet earth now.”

“Why am I even in this conversation,” sayeth the atheist. Read the rest of this entry »