Posts Tagged ‘ice cream’
Chunky Catholic – It’s filled with tempting bananas, tantalizing walnuts and overwhelming chunks of guilt. Eating it is actually a confessable sin.
- Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin
- Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
- Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
- Episcopal Popsicles – Ideal for the Frozen Chosen
- Black Walnut Ice Cream Matters – Always has
- Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
- Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
- Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in tongues.
- Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream
- Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
- Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
- Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix. Also comes with a racy calendar – if you’re into bonnets.
- Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream
- Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
- Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a crunchy waffle shoe
- Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
- Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
- 21 Thru 32 Flavors are still in the experimental stage
- Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
- Jehovah’s Moustache
- Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
- Seventh Day Adventist
- Third Trimester Adventist
- Second Semester Dentist
- Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please write the words “Dan is a Primate” on my wall and then post a picture of yourself with a multi-armed aquatic rescue animal on your page during an even-numbered minute with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head” then I’ll continue to wish you happy birthday when Facebook reminds me.
- Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears Oh My!
- The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.
Alright, 19 full-fledged flavors and 7 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.
While others write graphically about their soft-serve escapades in steamy lick and tell exposés, my soft-serve affair involves more telling and less licking. Ice cream holds no special place for me. And what little ice cream I do consume is of the rock hard, scoopable variety. Although my preferred ice cream might be a high-cost, high-butterfat product, I’m not a snobby connoisseur of craft ice creams served at micro-creameries. In my world lactose is not something you enjoy. Lactose is something you tolerate – like that thick and sour Greek-style yogurt which has become all the rage with hipster Milklennials. They “partake” of the grassy, Grecian yogurt to inject a little culture into their colon – 6 billion lactobacillus acidophilus cultures.
I’ve always thought cow’s milk should be for baby cows. That’s what nature seems to have intended for mother’s milk. It’s for baby whatever’s; and not meant for race car drivers who’ve just won the Indianapolis 500. But what if the nipple was on the other teat. Suppose there were entrepreneurial cows who froze human breast milk, ground Oreos into it and then served it to their calves? Read the rest of this entry »