Author Archive

Top 10 Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

  1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
  2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
  3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
  4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
  5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
  6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
  7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

  1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
  2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

  1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

  1. Frank Briscoe
  2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
  3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
  4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

  1. #MeToo
  2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
  3. Early Onset Cellulose
  4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
  5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

  1. Kelly Williams
  2. Caitlyn Wilmore
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

  1. No one wants to see that.
  2. Carpet Layers
  3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

  1. Really?
  2. No c’mon man, really?
  3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
  4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
  5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

  1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
  2. Good Year blimp
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
  4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
  5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

  1. Something
  2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

Least Inspiring Restaurant Franchise Names

  1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
  2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
  3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
  4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
  5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
  6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
  7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
  8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
  9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
  10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
  11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
  12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
  13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
  14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
  15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
  16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
  17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
  18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
  19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

As my mother used to say, “David, sometimes your humor escapes me.” Well these escaped me…

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning

Regular Version:
     The tortoise taught us Tetris
 
Yoda Version:
     Tetris, the tortoise taught us
 
Palindromic in Nature
 
Regular Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Backwards Version:
     .amanaP lanac a nalp a nam A
Backwards Detangled and Reordered Version:
     A man a plan a canal Panama.
Yoda Version:
     Panama, a canal, a plan, a man
Van Halen Version:
     Panama
Lewis Carrol Version:
     An animap twas brillig panib
Pig Latin Version
     Amana aplana acanala aPanama
Bill Gates Version
     011010110010100111010101011001010 Panama
 
 
Extra Vagant vs. extravagant
Photo Graphy vs. photography
Ali vs. Frazier
Alternate methods for getting across the Potomac River: Roe vs. Wade
 
Papal bull gets loose sending St. Peter’s flock running for sanctuary.
 
I don’t know about you, but I feel better now.
And still I wonder:
     Do geese see God
Backwards Version:
     Do geese see God
 
Help! I’m caught in a loop. Which is perfect because I’m feeling a little loopy this Saturday morning.
 

Fight Club: Round 2

What’s the dumbest thing you can think of doing? And then make a movie about it.

The Officially Revised Rules to the Sequel to Fight Club

The first rule of the original Fight Club was:

You do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of the original Fight Club was:

You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

In this more charitable sequel, the rules have been updated to reflect a more tolerant pugilistic culture.

The first revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may obliquely refer to Fight Club.

The second revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

  1. You may OBLIQUELY refer to Fight Club.

 

Other rules/observations to the sequel Fight Club Round 2 are as follows:

  1. If a participant is knocked out, the National Anthem is played so they will spring to their feet through patriotic peer pressure
  2. All jock straps will be equipped with air bags to protect against accidental kicks to the groin
  3. Chuck Norris is not allowed to compete in Fight Club (unless, of course, he wants to)
  4. If a defeated opponent yells “Stop”, taps out or goes limp, the victor must pull down the loser’s pants and yell “Olly olly oxen free.”
  5. Fight Club believes (contrary to whatever the American Society of Gastroenterologists might say) that the occasional roundhouse kick to the stomach is actually good for digestion. The same holds true for a right cross to the occipital lobe improving your vision. 
  6. Even if you’re a delusional and alienated white collar worker looking for kicks, Fight Club is a really, really stupid thing to do – especially if you’re as good-looking as Brad Pitt
  7. This list of rules doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you’re familiar with Fight Club. And even if you are familiar with it, the list still doesn’t make much sense.
  8. In Fight Club you may not use corncob holders as a weapon. However you may use armpit odor.
  9. You are not permitted to quote from the Bible while your opponent is in a chokehold. However you may quote from Chuck Norris’s autobiography
  10. The channeling of Bruce Lee is recommended. However the channeling of Brenda Lee…not so much
  11. If you enjoy fighting recreationally, you might also like our sister group: Colonoscopy Club. The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: You do not talk about Colonoscopy Club. The second rule is that, due to fumes beyond its control, Colonoscopy Club stinks.

Not Quite Medical Conditions

  1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
  2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
  3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
  4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
  5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
  6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
  7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
  8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
  9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
  10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
  11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
  12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
  13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
  14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
  15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
  16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
  17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
  18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
  19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
  20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
  21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
  22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
  23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
  24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
  25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Traces of George Washington’s Body Heat Discovered in Bed Where He Died

Startling discovery made in the hallowed bed where George Washington died at Mount Vernon.

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”

Newspaper Headlines from the 1930s

  1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
  2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
  3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
  4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
  5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
  6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
  7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
  8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
  9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
  10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
  11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
  12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
  13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
  14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
  15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
  16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
  17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
  18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
  19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
  20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
  21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
  22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
  23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
  24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
  25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
  26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
  27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
  28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

Disney Reinvents Vacation Bible Schools

Separation of Church and State – yes. But nowhere does it say anything about separation of Church and Mouse. Witness Disney’s all new Promised Land theme park.

These days most kids view Vacation Bible Schools as a sentence to endure rather than a vacation to enjoy. They hope to avoid the drudgery of Deuteronomy by kidsplainin’ to their parents, “C’mon mom, there’s an app for it now.” For many people, Vacation + Bible + School just doesn’t add up. While to some it’s a celebration of scripture, to others it’s a well-intentioned holiday in hell. Separately each word of Vacation Bible School has great merit.  

Vacation: Good. Who doesn’t like a nice long vacation?

Bible: Also Good. Even though today’s modern reader must factor-in the ancient mindset of the benighted authors of the day who had no idea Tater Tots would forever change the way we think about potatoes.  

School: Mostly good. It’s an educational place where you can learn important things like how to ask out girls without having your voice crack.  

So separately the words are all good. But put them all together and what have you got – a recipe for “Is my sentence up yet?”

I doesn’t matter what you call it: Bible Boot Camp, a Vacation with God or a Holiday in Heaven, the words Vacation, Bible and School just don’t fit together – kind of like Reasonable Attorney Fees or Non-Stop Flight. So what is to be done about Vacation Bible Schools’ sagging attendance by an increasingly secular audience? As you might expect, the Walt Disney Company has an answer.   Read the rest of this entry »

St. Peter Reissues CC&Rs for the Gated Community Known as Heaven

“Just let me check your credentials and I’ll let you right in. You do have your credentials, right?”

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of the gated community, our Almighty Lord, was at a loss to explain the misunderstanding – especially since he thought he’d been preaching to the chorus the whole time. Through his chosen emissary and longtime Pearly Gate bouncer St. Peter, the Lord reminded us that, “The laws of the Cosmos are unbending and universally applicative. There isn’t some ‘Yeah, well Heaven’s requirements might apply to faceless masses toiling in the fields, but surely not to sophisticated, self-aware souls like me who were into the whole craft beer thing before it became mainstream’.” 

St. Peter went on to explain: “There is no work around for entitled souls that will catapult their privileged asses into the vault of Heaven. Your karmic résumé must reflect balance, otherwise you’ll be catapulted back into another birth till you wake up and smell the karma. Sometimes it stinks to high heaven and other times it’s your best friend to break you out of the illusion of separateness. It will even out. It must. It does. These are not my laws inasmuch as they are the laws. Don’t blame the messenger. I’m just passing it on. This link may be of aid: Paths to God (not preachy) Read the rest of this entry »

A Laplander’s Lament

No Joke: This is Lapland’s Coat of Arms. Why he’s almost naked is beyond comprehension as is the cold up here in “The Land that Heat Forgot.”

Hallå, my name is Dàvvet Østend and I live in Lapland – the frozenest place on earth. Actually “live” might not be the operative word to describe existence here. “Survive” might be a better word. Lapland is an icy and forbidding landscape located on the fringes of Scandinavia, well north of the Arctic Circle, where nothing should be located except imaginary lines and Norse mythologies. Lapland is not a God forsaken land. It’s just a forsaken land – God doesn’t even bother with us. Neither does Google. They won’t even map us. Then again, aren’t God and Google really the same thing, except Google knows more about you than God does?  

 

Lost in Frost

Growing up here in “the land that heat forgot” my body temperature never rose above 95°. Hypothermia was the norm and 95° was the new 98.6°. I lamented the depths of my frozen plight to wise old Uncle Anders. And this esteemed tribal elder bestowed upon me his Nordic wisdom, born of years of frigid deprivation: “You see Dàvvet, up here in Lapland, we’re all just in between bowel movements. No more, no less.” As I slowly backed away from my dear old uncle I realized that the constant cold had left both his philosophies and his potatoes half-baked. Read the rest of this entry »