Author Archive

***Star Wars in Scotland***

May the 4th in the Firth of Forth be with you.
May be an image of map and text that says 'Firth of Forth LEITH Edinburgh'

Books I’d Like to See Written

  1. The Extra Virgin Virgin – If Olive Oil Can be Extra Virgin, Why Can’t People Too?
  2. I Love Talking on the Phone to My Mother: And Other Lies
  3. Moby Richard: The Politically Correct Version of Moby Dick
  4. If You Won’t Trust Me with Your Emu, How Can I Trust You with My Ostrich?
  5. Madame Ovary…. Flaubert’s masterpiece (Madame Bovary) reimagined against a backdrop of menstruation
  6. The Ileum: Homer’s Reworked Epic Poem Takes a Heroic Journey Through His Digestive Tract
  7. Seriously, Is There Anybody Out There Who is Not on the Spectrum?
  8. Falling in Love with Your Type Face: Fonts I Have Cherished
  9. Feeling bookish and bike-ish.

    Hamlet and Eggs: Dr. Seuss Meets Shakespeare

  10. A Thrower in the Oats…. The less successful sequel to A Catcher in the Rye
  11. Sorry Earthlings, I’m Just Not that Evolved Yet: A Young Soul Apologizes for Being So Unenlightened F*cking Stupid
  12. How to Win Friends and Influence Cannibals
  13. Pretty, Pretty Good Expectations…. by Larry David not Charles Dickens
  14. Tommy Quixote: Don’s Little Brother Tilts at Pinball
  15. Can’t Count on Kant: Stories about Immanuel Kant’s Unreliability (May have inspired Better Call Saul)
  16. Catch-99 Luftballons… Even Joseph Heller can’t resist Nena’s “catchy” German song
  17. The Invisible Man…. I don’t see myself reading it
  18. Blades of Leaves…. Whitman’s follow-up to his Leaves of Grass
  19. The Miserables…. American version of Les Misérables
  20. The Very, Very Good Gatsby.… The lesser-known prequel to The Great Gatsby
  21. Sorry, I Thought it was a Drinking Fountain: And Other Bidet Mistakes
  22. The Poetry of Vlad the Impaler…. Such a misunderstood tyrant. The newly rehabilitated Impaler displays his rapier-like verse in pointed ways. The sensitive skewer-master evinces a piercing understanding of the human condition. A great read – why not take a stab at it?
  23. The Greatest Stories Ever Whispered: Pillow Talk at its Juiciest
  24. Someday It’ll be 50 years in the Future: Things I Said 50 Years Ago
  25. We’re All Non-Binary. We’re Just Choosing to Be Binary.
  26. Lit From the Inside: The Karin Hardiman Story (Best Book Ever – Still Being Written)


Cannibals: Harmless Humanivores or Evil Eaters?

Cannibal Quarterly (CQ), a taboo publication found on the Dark Web, is geared towards normalizing cannibalism. Its target market is primarily people concerned about overpopulation and those who view cremation as an unnecessary expense. CQ is a very esoteric and a very expensive publication. Although subscribers complain CQ costs an arm and a leg, most are very willing (almost enthusiastic) to pay it. Those who can’t afford an arm and a leg, instead pay through the nose, and they seem happy to cough it up.


In a poll of CQ readers asking what was their favorite TV show, 99.9% voted for the ghoulish Twilight Zone episode where the technologically advanced outer space aliens present humanity with a book purportedly designed to improve and advance their society. The title of this helpful book, written in an alien language, is roughly translated as “To Serve Man.” As the friendly aliens insinuate themselves into Earth’s society, everything is progressing wonderfully – until the macabre discovery is made that “To Serve Man” is in fact a cookbook. By then it’s too late and humanity has been reduced to livestock. Egad, ghoulish beyond measure.

As to the other 0.1%, they voted for that Hogan’s Heroes episode where Col. Klink is outwitted by Hogan and his band of brothers (wait, wasn’t that pretty much every episode?).  


Although cannibalism has been gaining favor in some quarters, the LGBTQ community has turned down a request by the FYC (Fine Young Cannibals) to graft a “C” onto the LGBTQ acronym. When pressed for comment on the request, an LGBTQ spokesthem said, “Hard pass. We’re currently working our own acceptance issues and while we identify with the plight of minority groups, this one’s a bridge too far.”  



In the latest issue of CQ, it’s editor and cannibal-influencer Dred Taint writes in the introduction:

Cannibalism is something that’s always been eating at me. I never knew quite what that was until I realized…it was my wife. Gloria had been eating at me, behind my back – where I couldn’t see. By the time she told me to ‘get over it and turn the other cheek’ (because she hadn’t finished yet), I knew something was wrong.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you stay with her?” and all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say, “Eats me.” My wife…she’s a real maneater.

And while we at CQ recognize this long-proscribed topic is anathema to most sane people, it hasn’t prevented dispensaries from formulating specialized strains of cannabis. Cannibal cannabis is a boutique gummi designed to give users the munchies for humans. It creates an atmosphere where “consensual cannibalism” can be practiced by consenting and lunatic adults in a safe and insane asylum – Eat your hearts out normies.

This issue of CQ features an article on the lens through which fellow-cannibals view the world. It’s a fun and nourishing piece called How a Cannibal Sees Celebrities. Enjoy and bon Appetit.

~The Editor



How a Cannibal Sees Celebrities by Dredge Rivers

While the human race is a target-rich environment for us cannibals, celebrities are doubly prized for their tender feelings and tender thighs. Human carnivores have long run in my family. In fact, they run as fast as they can to get away from each other. That’s just the way that it was, growing up in a clan of cannibals (aka clannibals). I had 5 brothers and 3 sisters, but by the time I was 10 I was down to 3 brothers and one sister. We were a close clan. We ate together every night. Some at the table, some on the table.

The following is a list of cannibalized celebrity names as seen through the eyes of flesh-eaters. See if you can reverse engineer the cannibal name to determine their real name:

The Talk Show Hosts

  1. James Corden Bleu… One classy Brit
  2. Jimmy Kibble.… He’s gone to the dogs
  3. Jimmy Phallus…. Guy is such a dick
  4. Seth Meyer Lemon…. Tart humor
  5. Stephen Cold Beer…. Gotta wash it all down with something


  1. Edith Pilaf…. She’s quite the dish. A French side dish.
  2. Adelecatessan…. A tasteful English singer. A very tasty singer.
  3. Parmesean Connery…. I have a special Bond with this celebrity
  4. Drew MoreBerries…. Quoth the Raven, “Barrymore”
  5. Robert Donner Jr…. The Ironman and his party get stranded in the mountains
  6. Tom Cuisine…. He’s a Maverick
  7. BBQ Pitt…. Shoulda stayed with Angelina Jelly
  8. Robert Redfish…. When he’s deeply tanned, they call him blackened Redfish.
  9. Frank Sinbeans…. The Chairman of the Board likes simple fare
  10. Lin-Manuel Melba – He’s the “Toast” of Broadway



Epilogue: This entire story is just food for thought – so to speak. Don’t think about it too hard. It’s just a little something to chew on.

Full disclosure: I pieced this story together by cannibalizing other stories.

A Potpourri of Observations that are Completely Odorless

  1. I’m so confused. The Temp Agency got me a permanent, parttime job at the Unemployment Office.
  2. It is said that centuries ago when there were 2 Popes, they sometimes raced down the Nave to get to the pulpit first. Occasionally one Pope might cut off the other sparking a hellacious case of Pope Rage.
  3. After taking way too many Southwest flights I tried to speak romantically to my wife. It didn’t go well: “I know you have choices when it comes to husbands and I really appreciate you flying David Hardiman. I was thinking maybe we could get my “tray table” in the upright and locked position before we take-off.”
  4. Did you ever iron your money when giving it as a gift?    Yes, but just the change.  
  1. I’m writing a new Vincent Van Gogh biography. It’s called “A Brush with Greatness.” I think you’ll find it kind of earry.
  2. My proctologist says there’s a big difference between being involved in a morass and being involved in more ass. (Alright, that joke is not completely odorless. So sue me.)
  3. Now you know. When a Sign Language Interpreter gets arthritis, they call it laryngitis.

Holy Cow! Catholic Church Elects Elsie as New Pope

Pleased as Punch to be Pope

In a stunning turn of events at the Papal Conclave in Vatican City, the College of Cardinals has displayed bovine passivity in shunning more religious candidates and instead electing Elsie the Cow as the new Pope. For her papacy, Elsie will take the name of Lactose the Tolerant.


Groan Appetit Pilgrims: Punnery in the Nunnery

When asked to comment on Elsie’s selection, church spokesman Bishop Elihu Borden remarked, “We knew the Church was looking to moooove in a new direction, but this is udderly amazing.”


Long after the white smoke emanating from the Sistine Chapel indicated a new Pontiff had been elected, church officials delayed the announcement of the cow Pope in order to really “milk the moment.” The Church hierarchy can’t seem to figure out how the cow lobby managed this historic election, and they don’t expect any insider explanation either because nobody likes a cattletale.


Lactose the Tolerant is expected to take up in the Vatican with her husband Red Bull. By all accounts “Red” sleeps very little, and when he does, he keeps Elsie up with all his snorting. We’re told he’s requested decorators to remove all the red curtains in the Pope’s bedroom which seem to enrage the papal consort.


The new Pope is a brown Guernsey from Britain. At her investiture a reporter from the inhouse publication L’Osservatore Romano was allowed one question.

Reporter:    How now brown cow?

Lactose the Tolerant:    How now brown cow? Do you know how many times I’ve been asked that? Next. Oh, that’s it then. OK. Well, I’d just like to say I’m looking forward to the new Popemobile.        



Vati-cans and Vati-cants: Do’s and Don’ts in the New Bovine Papal Order


  1. In keeping with the spiritual ascendancy of foraging livestock, the Church’s supreme hymnal has been changed to “Amazing Graze.”
  2. In a sign of things to come, it was reported that Elsie’s milk (Lactose the Tolerant’s milk) will not be homogenized due to sensitivities within the Church about anything with the word “homo” in it. Her milk shall be pasteurized only and referred to as EVMM (Extra Virgin Mother’s Milk)
  3. Henceforth, during communion, sacramental milk will replace sacramental wine as the blood of Cheesus Christ – the True Dairy Savior.
  4. Traditionally a papal bull is a type of public decree issued by a pope through the organ of the Vatican Press Office. Lactose the Tolerant however, is expected to issue her first Papal Bull (a baby papal bull) through her own personal organ.
  5. Cow-tipping is now a venial sin and instead of meatless Fridays, Lactose the Tolerant has mandated meatless lifetimes.
  6. In deference to the herding instinct of the Pope’s new flock, she has instituted a new university of higher learning called Flock U. So, if you’re a beast of prey in search of salvation, the Church heartily suggests you go Flock yourself.
  7. The Vatican kitchen will no longer serve veal (unless the life of the mother is at steak). Conversely, the kitchen will now begin serving cow pies, cud spuds and gummi grass.


Some critics are forecasting that Lactose the Tolerant’s papacy will be “all mitre and no cattle.” Other more charitable observers believe the Church has chosen well and that placing a herding animal at the head of the Church will only make shepherding the flock that much easier.

Hay, you herd it here first folks. The good news is that there is a new wind blowing through St. Peter’s Basilica. The bad news is that it’s filled with methane.

Non Binary Lyrics to the Beatles “I Am the Walrus”


♫ I am they, as you are they, as you are them
And they are all together♫


Airport Quiz

  1. What airport is Irish and hirsute…                                 O’Hair
  2. What airport is the most boring and uninteresting…    Dullest
  3. What airport is considered careless…                             Lax
  4. What airport is careless and makes you poop…            Ex-Lax
  5. Name a President you can land on…                               JFK
  6. What airport has toffee candy bars lined-up…              Heathrow
  7. Name an airport with a lot of nerve…                              Charles “De Gaulle” (the gall of that airport)
  8. What do babies say when someone is leaving…             Dubai

I write this quiz on a layover in Frankfurt while grabbing a quick hamburg. I’m sorry, I meant to say I write this in Hamburg while grabbing a quick frankfurt. Anyway, they’re boarding my plane, so Dubai for now everybody.

Things I’ve Overheard at the Marijuana Dispensary

  1. I’m organizing a 2-Mile Run to promote Metric System Awareness
  2. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no safe word
  3. They asked the Marquis De Sade’s wife why she stays with him.

What did she say?

Beats me.

  1. They asked the married cannibals why they stayed together.

What did they say?

Eats me!  

  1. Remember what Narcissus said to himself before bed: “You had me at me.”
  2. What are you reading?

Oh, it’s the poorly selling sequel to The Little Engine That Could

Really? What’s it called?

The Little Engine That Threw a Rod

  1. Do you know he was never sick a day in his life. Nope, he did all his puking at night.
  2. That little girl scout out front selling her cookies– she sure knows her market
  3. I’m jittery, like a squirrel, about ready to cross a busy highway. If only I remembered where I buried my nuts.
  4. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no bucket list items
  5. I never feel quite right watching a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football. Those are weak days.
  6. I have it on good authority that when you die, they ask you to take a brief “How did we do?” survey. And I didn’t think they cared.

My Aging Body: Recent Observations

  1. I don’t know how it happens, but nowadays, no matter where I am, whenever I get naked, light bulbs automatically dim
  2. To hell with aiming. When I get up to pee during the night, I sit on the pot.
  3. My dermatologist says I have old-growth skin tags that are so ancient, they’ve become UNESCO World Preservation sites and, by law, cannot be removed
  4. I must be slipping. Whenever I play catch, and my partner fakes the throw I wonder…where did the ball go? It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out they still have the ball.
  5. I try to maintain a positive body image, but when I look in a mirror these days, I’m mostly pixilated.
  6. You know those stupid 2 ½ minute pharmaceutical commercials? I record them.
  7. I guess I’m non-binary now. Instead of seeing the world as a series of 1’s and 0’s, now I see it as a series of business and non-business days
  8. I’m very proud of my well-formed nostrils. I’m just a Nostril-positive person. Although most people just think I’m nosey.
  9. I’m already so “out there,” that if I take a Gummy, I actually get more sober
  10. Even though I’m mostly bald now, I have the same amount of total hair I had when I was 20. It’s just redistributed amongst my ears, nostrils, eyebrows and back.
  11. Nowadays when people point at something, I just look at the end of their finger
  12. And finally, I realize I’m getting older because I don’t know any of the hosts on Saturday Night Live

Dr. Seuss Announces New Children’s Potty-Training Books

  1. The Cat in the Scat
  2. Poop on Pop
  3. Horton Hears a Fart
  4. The Lorax Makes a Gift for Daddy
  5. Oh, the Places You’ll Poop
  6. A Pinch for the Grinch

And there’s the latest potty-friendly book:

Rumpty Dumpty.


The chief characters in Rumpty Dumpty are Cheek 1 and Cheek 2. It’s a sequel to Green Eggs and Ham where “Sam I am” has eaten his strange breakfast and now it’s time for his morning Rumpty Dumpty


Bonus Book: Dr. Seuss’s young adult pregnancy prevention book: Beware! That Yertle is Fertile