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Posts Tagged ‘B’

Newly Discovered Vitamins & Minerals

  1. Vitamin B3.14 – This appetite-suppressing vitamin reduces the desire for pi
  2. Vitamin B911 – This newly synthesized B-Complex memory-blocker, helps a person to live a normal life after accidentally seeing their grandmother naked.

    10 year-old boy after ingesting these newly discovered vitamins and minerals.

  3. Vitamin Bat Sh*t – This Common Sense Logic-blocker allows the weak-willed to attach themselves to any number of discredited conspiracy theories and believe them as gospel. Vitamin Bat Sh*t is found in abundance in the South’s municipal water systems.
  4. Xanthan Gum – Not a necessary nutrient. I just like to draw attention to words that begin with X, but are pronounced as “Z.” Do you copy what I’m saying? – Xerox. My son Xavier, who plays the xylophone, feels similarly. Note: Xanthan Gum is chewy. I’m sorry. I meant to say that Xanthan Gum is available at Chewy.
  5. Plutonium – Scientists are unclear as to the function of this unstable, fissile element. The PAL (Plutonium Advisory League) recommends a daily nano-dash of this radioactive material to help build patchy hair and bulging goiters. Note: Plutonium supplements should only be taken with a glass of heavy water
  6. Mother Marium – Not a significant source of solace. Studies show it may lessen the severity of hammertoe.
  7. Copper – Also not a significant source of solace. In fact it’s really just a slang underworld term for a 1930s policeman.
  8. VitaminD – Not Vitamin D, but VitaminD. This cerebral accelerator allows the consumer to see through walls and even meet their inner child. Note: May contain LSD. Note to the note: Probably is LSD. Note to the note to the note: Alright, it is LSD – now go and enjoy.
  9. Vita Vini Vidi Vici – Allows unsophisticated rubes to sound like they know how to speak Latin
  10. ItaminVa – Same a Vita Vini Vidi Vici, but with Pig Latin
  11. Vitamin See – Promotes superior vision. Some anti-vaxxer types avoid it, but it prevents scurvy if you’re nervy.
  12. Frolic Acid – Sister compound to Folic Acid. Frolic Acid is reported to make older couples friskier. In Mayberry, it was the go-to supplement for Aunt Bea whenever Mr. Whipple visited.
  13. Iron-E – A placebo iron supplement contains neither Iron nor Vitamin E, hence the irony of Iron-E
  14. Molybdenum – No known benefit for this rare earth element. I just like to celebrate a word that contains the consecutive letters l-y-b-d. It’s remarkable that those random consonants “l-y-b-d” could somehow be a connective bridge for an actual word. This alphabetic kink of mine is not unlike the Xanthan Gum “Z” thing in #3. My Holy Grail of alphabetic curiosities however, is to find a naturally occurring word that contains the consecutive letters L-G-B-T-Q. Maybe Molgbtqenum? – a rare gender-identity element. It is theorized that people with too much Molgbtqenum could impregnate a statue.       And you’re right – It’s not easy being me, but it is a whole lotta fun.
  15. Love Beam – Get on it. Stay on it. Don’t look back. Duality may be gaining on you.