Judaism to be Shuttered as Jews Decide to “Throw in the Torah.”

We're doing what? Who knew?

We’re doing what? Who knew?

Judaism, a 4000 year old monotheistic religion whose deepest expression can be found in the music of Neil Diamond, has decided to call it quits citing: “Enough already.” It’s just the latest case of a major institution opting out of the global hierarchy in what some religious scholars are calling a “Jewxit.” Jews from holocaust the world…I mean Jews from all across the world decided to shutter their religion after almost 4000 years of unleavened success. It seems a slow-forming consensus had developed among Temple elders who advised followers to, “stop being so damn Jewish and get on with your lives already.” In a surprising show of solidarity, Zionists applauded the move by throwing in their yarmulkes and snipping off their curly little side ringlets as they began a process of moving to a new Promised Land where they hoped to buy lots wholesale – proving once again that old habits do indeed die hard. The closure becomes official once everyone gets back their deposits on the Bar Mitzvah halls.


It seems inconceivable that the entire Jewish population is only 16 million; with about 6 million in Israel, 6 million in the US and the rest in retail (I couldn’t resist). The Jewish population has only recently reached pre-Holocaust levels (71 years after the event). Juxtapose those numbers with the population of Christians (2.2 billion), Muslims (1.6 billion) and Hindus (about 1 billion) and you begin to understand the outsized impact Jews have had on world events and culture. It begs the question: Why would such a conspicuously high-functioning people voluntarily surrender their identity?


llaW eht no saw gnitirwdnaH ehT (Read it Right to Left – after all it is Hebrew)

Interest in maintaining the sometimes cumbersome and outmoded tenets of Judaism had begun to weigh on the institution. Jews began to look elsewhere for cultural expression prompting the Israeli government to partner with the Disney Corporation to open a Hebraic-themed amusement park called Dreidel Land featuring: The Hall of Animatronic Shiksas, Semites of the Caribbean and The Shtetl of Tomorrow. That Judaism was receding became apparent when you couldn’t find a decent schmear or a nice egg cream in all of Galilee. The final confirmation came when several Jews were observed paying full retail.  


The Jewish Tent Folds: 3 Views

Reform Jews barely batted an eye at the turn of events, since most are Jews in name only. They aren’t really full-fledged Jews, they’re just Jew-ish. Y’know, all of the mazel with none of the tov. Upon learning of the closure, Reform Jews were agog with sin; in a condition known as syn-a-gogue. Most realized that except for eating a little less brisket, their lives wouldn’t be any different. As Chaim Levitz explained, “Religion is like a dentist – everybody’s got one, but nobody wants to visit until there’s a problem.”

Rabbi Herschel Mankiewicz speaking on condition of anonymity for Orthodox Jews remarked, “It was a great 4 millennia run, but I think we carried this ‘tradition’ thing a little too far. I mean maybe it’s fine for Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, but nowadays who needs a bunch of ZZ Top long-beards in black suits rocking back and forth like they’re Motown backup singers. And that’s just the religious side of the house. Matzo balls and gefilte fish I can also do without. Reform should’ve come to our kitchens before it came to our religion.”

The Ultra-Orthodox Jews or Torah-thumpers, were unfazed by the shuttering saying, “What is that our business? We can transfer our extremism to any organization, be it Model Railroading, the Aerosol Cheese Association or a religion. It doesn’t matter to us. We just need a framework and we’re zealously there to fill it.” Incidentally the ultra-orthodox rabbi who gave me this information dearly wanted his name added to this quotation, but I chose to keep him anonymous – now who’s being extreme?  


On a More Practical Level

The unexpected announcement came on the Sabbath, lending further proof of Judaism’s sincerity to self-surrender before the High Holidays. Synagogue elders prepared to sell Temple assets immediately; providing, of course, they could get a good price for them – otherwise why should they sell so cheap? Shutting down an enduring organization is no easy feat. There are some deeply ingrained behaviors that must be redirected and the voluntary abolition of Judaism is not without consequences. For example, world markets were bracing for a spike in the demand for pork citing almost 4000 years of pent up demand. Concerns have also been voiced that the entertainment industry might suffer from a glut of Gentiles and a lack of chutzpah (pronounced khoot’-szpuh, hutz’ pah…any way you’d like). Geopolitical markets were similarly roiled when Strife Futures hit a 40 year low as traders withdrew their blood money from the always combustible Middle East and began investing it in more strife-torn flash points like Baltimore and Dallas. Arms merchants now believe that, in the absence of Jews, the Middle East will finally return to the Edenic citadel it was biblically prophesied to be.


Rabbi Rufus Mendelbaum Explains What’s Really Behind the Shuttering

Reaction to the remarkable announcement was swift as the global applecart was upset by a group resolved to just walk away from their ancient identity. Revered Yeshiva University scholar Rabbi Rufus Mendelbaum was asked to explain the abrupt about face of a people noted for tenacity of character:

First of all I’ll ask everyone to settle. Settle. Nice. Now Judaism is just an identity. Most are born into it and therefore discount other ways of communing with God. A few convert to it so they can have regular sex with someone they really love. Either way it’s an adopted identity worn like any piece of fashionable clothing and once you put it on you’re covered by it. Well we Jews no longer want to be defined by what we wear however stylish, comfortable or adaptive it may be. We choose to be defined not by what we wear, but by who we are. And by removing our clothes we can finally see our true selves. Of course we might get one look at our true selves and want to be Jews again. Still it’s very liberating to get beyond what you think you are – everybody with me? If you want a stereotypical Jew go visit Dreidel Land because the rest of us are done with it. Not out of rancor but out of getting on with it already. Me, I’m going to God in a lighter more revealing garment – my birthday suit.

Also, since we’re surrendering Judaism back to the constellation of religious philosophies where it came from (thank you very much Abraham), we’re also giving up the state of Israel. I know. Can you believe? And we fought so hard for it too. But to tell you the truth the soil is kind of flinty and the neighbors, not so pleasant. A Promised Land should be more than one big archaeological dig. And who needs a sacred Wailing Wall to lament your problems to, when you can pretty much kvetch anywhere you’d like?

Yes it’s time for another Jewish diaspora. And for those of you who don’t know what a diaspora is, picture 10 million Jews standing in a TSA line. We’re a successful, sober and directed people so we should be welcomed any place, although we’re not too excited about moving to Germany. We contribute to society and care for our children. I mean rarely are we stopped for DWJ (Driving While Jewish). We didn’t create the world. We just live in it and we choose to live in it as unlabeled participating citizens of Earth. Who doesn’t want a fresh start? We encourage other hidebound institution to follow our example of renunciation thereby setting themselves free. This is not some Kum-bi-ya moment. It’s about removing obstacles to awareness. If you want to remain a slave to your attachments, enjoy your next 100 incarnations until you get over them. I say again, if you enjoy immersing yourself in enduring manmade institutions whereby you become a heretic if you were to question them; well have at it. Enjoy watching your wheels spin in an echo chamber. We’re not interested in spinning our wheels anymore. We’re looking for traction.

If I sound a little preachy, well, I probably should. I am a preacher. A trained rabbinical preacher. But I’m through with that label. Now I’m just a guy going to God via the express route which means leaving behind as much baggage as possible and that means you; sweet religion of Judaism. Thank you from all of us for all you did and taking us to the next level.   

Many believe the bridge-to-God aspect of Judaism (and all religion for that matter) has become obsolete. For example the entire impenetrable mysticism found in the ancient texts of our Kabballah can now be easily accessed and coolly deciphered with one toke of powerful “Head Cheese” marijuana from the Santa Cruz Mountains…ahem – I’m told. One toke of its God-given illuminating oils, and the once opaque contradictions of the universe become clear as Zima. It’s all bracingly self-evident like Mt. Everest or Cindy Crawford’s mole. And although drugs are an artificial and impermanent manner of visiting God, what’s the alternative? Are spiritual aspirants supposed to secret themselves away in a room and study turgid ancient texts for a few measly crumbs of wisdom? I don’t think so. After all, these were texts written by well-intentioned but primitive men whose concept of live-steaming dealt more with relieving themselves than watching Netflix. What was well-suited for an era when death, famine and pestilence were known as Tuesday, is ill-suited for an age when you can buy Cheez-Its over an iPhone.  

Admittedly our people provided some very beneficial contributions to the world – Einstein and cream cheese come to mind – but we also brought the world Bernie Madoff and chopped liver. And when we tried to convince those demented Nazis to stamp out something worthwhile like goiter or boll weevils, the bastards just laughed at us. But we had the last laugh. How ironic their blind Nazi bigotry caused a brain drain of Jewish physicists from Germany that not only stunted their war effort, but may have proved decisive in its futility.

We Jews have done great things. Great things. Moses freed his people from Egyptian bondage and brought us to the Promised Land. Jesus bestowed upon us perhaps the best moral philosophy ever known. And Don Rickles practically invented the Insult Comic genre. But it’s time for a clean break.  We’re freeing ourselves from the strictures of Judaism. I mean we love Judaism and everything, but it’s just another religious template. Another form purporting to encompass the eternal awesomeness of God. We want to go beyond ancient scripture and instructive myths and get on with it already. And we encourage others trapped in their models of how it is, to do the same – listening Muslims, Christians and Fantasy Football enthusiasts? And to anyone else who has chosen up a side – give it up or at least seriously reassess it. You’ll have to eventually anyway.

And to those who are baffled or outraged by the self-surrender of our supposed Jewish identity, let me offer one final thought – Shalom baby. See ya later.”

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